ANNOUNCER: Welcome to another edition of The Islamic Rage Boy Show, where the world’s most famous Islamic fundamentalist brings together key thought-leaders from around the world to address the issues that affect you. This week, Islamic Rage Boy will lead a discussion on the recent “Teddy Bear” crisis in Sudan, where British teacher Gillian Gibbons was sentenced to two weeks in prison for allowing her students to name a teddy bear “Mohammed.” Here’s your host, Islamic Rage Boy!

 

IRB:Thank you for that most kind introduction. Today we are joined by Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who has been acting as steward of the new caliphate’s nearly completed British acquisition.

 

Gordon Brown: It’s an absolute pleasure to be here. I’m a big fan of your work.

 

 

IRB: Hold your tongue, dog. As I said in the Green Room earlier, your sycophancy will only expedite the brutal death I have planned for you. Also joining us are the justifiably upset Sudanese chapter of the Arab Street. My heart goes out to all of you at this most difficult time, my brothers.

 

MDS: It has been a very trying time. One that has tested all of our faith. You just never think these things can happen to you.

 

 

IRB:I do not pretend to comprehend your pain. Stay strong, you are in every single one of my seventy-nine daily prayers. Let us begin. Mr. Brown, after initially expressing “disappointment” at this “teacher’s” imprisonment, today you announced that you are “delighted” by her release, and that “common sense had prevailed.” I must confess, I agree with your initial feeling of disappointment. However, for the life of me I cannot understand why they broke from protocol and failed to gut the whore on sight. But what did you mean by “common sense had prevailed?”

 

GB: Excellent question, my culturally equal friend. What I meant is that by pardoning Ms. Gibbons, the Sudan has not only taken the moral high ground, but they have also demonstrated their willingness to work within the framework of international diplomacy and has emerged much the stronger for it. My guess is that you will see a large uptick in tourism to that country in the near future.

 

IRB: Interesting perspective…for a weak-kneed, Western she-kitten. Perhaps my Sudanese brothers can provide the correct answer?

 

MDS: Common sense was prevailing until the meddling British and the cowardly government of Sudan conspired to allow the whore to slip through our grasp! Tell me, how are we supposed to stone her to death now? Ahmed has a great throwing arm, but even he cannot reach her. What is the purpose of having laws if they aren’t going to be enforced?

 

 

 

IRB: Well said. Tell me Mr. Brown, why have you aided and abetted this criminal in subverting our laws?

 

Gordon Brown: Let me start by saying that by no means do I presume that the outcries for Ms. Gibbons death by enormous throngs of Sudanese citizens is in any way representative of the nation as a whole. Much in the same way that the protests calling for her death and dismemberment throughout the Muslim world are in any way representative of the peaceful religion of Islam. That being said, I think we can all agree that sentencing a woman to death over a teddy bear is a bit…harsh.

 

Islamic Rage Boy: Harsh?!? You are off to a poor start puppet-man. You have evaded my question. Tread lightly today…I have not yet had my fill of infidel blood and would gladly drink my fill from your lifeless skull.

 

MDS:You see? This is why we didn’t want to come on the show today. How do you reason with someone who is incapable of reason? Hear us infidel! The. Whore. Broke. Our. Law. We didn’t write it, we are just trying to enforce it. How Islamophobic can you get?

 

Gordon Brown: Islamophob…? Me? Why that is preposterous! Utterly preposterous. I am one of the best friends Muslims have in the entire United King…err…new caliphate. Why, some of my best friends are regular flag burners. I’ve even been the first assist in a female genital mutilation. I would also like to go on the record as saying that although my children do have stuffed animals, they have all been given culturally sensitive names like “Piss-Jesus Panda”, “Bishop Bartholemew Boy-Buggerer Bunny III”, and “Joshua the Jew-nosed Elephant.”

 

MDS: Typical. Every time an Islamophobe is called to the carpet for his insensitivity they always trot out the “some of my best friends mutilate labias all the time” argument. It’s sad really.

IRB: Now hold on a minute. Perhaps we should cut Mr. Brown some slack. After all, he did call this affair a misunderstanding. I would have used “travesty” or “blood-curdling outrage,” but we must bear in mind that he is a simpering, gutless Euro-weenie. Mr. Brown, perhaps you can explain to our Sudanese guests exactly what you misunderstood and how you’ll avoid a repeat of these mistakes in the future.

 

Gordon Brown:Well, a misunderstanding really requires two parties, don’t you think? Can’t we collectively admit that both the United Kingdom and America bear some of the responsibility for the unfortunate escalation of this crisis? On our part, we should have been more aware of the intricacies of sharia law, a mistake I intend to rectify as soon as possible. And on the part of the United States, I know we can all agree that President Bush’s reckless cowboy diplomacy has only served to exacerbate the multitude of offenses to Muslim dignity the world over.

MDS: Well…he does have a point.

IRB:You see? It is possible for all of us to come to an understanding. I would like to thank our guests for coming on the program tonight. Please be sure to join us tomorrow when our guest will be world-renowned chef Osman the Opulent, who will be showing us how to make some of his favorite holiday treats including his famous Jews-in-a-blanket.

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