While reviewing our e-mail as we do from time to time here at The Nose On Your Face, we came across a thought-provoking tidbit from a reader in Amsterdam, Holland who identifies himself simply as “a Muslim.” (Editor’s Note: The writer did not not in fact mention his gender. We took the liberty of assuming that he is a male since the use of any post-4th century technology by Muslim women is punishable by a vigorous genital caning followed by a slow, painful death).

His note:

to the maker & creator of this website & all those posting stuff thinking they are funny somehow, the only good thing you are doing here is that you are confirming your reservation tickets (inshallah) to HELL, where you well be hung by your tongue, found humilated on the ground, noone to rescue you, you will say: i wish i was a muslim & i wish i can go back in time to do so.

if i could live millions of years & die & live again & die & live again & keep dieing & coming back to life again, i will always want to be a muslim believing & worshipping only one God (Allah), & following the techings of his last prophet Mohmammed Peace Be Upon Him.

look & stare at your inner self & think deeply about what are you doing here, be human enough & save yourself, no one will save YOU.

As you can imagine, we were quite disturbed by some of the content of Mr. Muslim’s e-mail. It caused us to do a good deal of painful soul-searching. Have we been thinking we are funny somehow? Do we really want to confirm our reservation tickets to HELL at this time? And more importantly, do we have to give a wide range of travel times and live with non-refundable tickets the way Priceline used to make you do? Neither of us are exactly “morning people” so we’d hate to get jammed up with a 5:00 a.m. flight to HELL, all caps or not.

No offense intended to Mr. Muslim, but after we looked at his note again we began thinking that maybe HELL wouldn’t really be so bad compared to reading the e-mail we had just struggled through for a second time. Then we got really introspective and deep (which gives us pounding headaches) and Potfry looked at me and said, “But if it’s really HELL, wouldn’t that mean that this guy would be there every day reciting his writings to us over and over and over again?” That thought really blew us away, so we quietly ate Cheetos for a while in silence.

Next we contemplated this statement from Mr. Muslim:

you will say…if i could live millions of years & die & live again & die & live again & keep dieing & coming back to life again, i will always want to be a muslim

This one had us flummoxed. Living for millions of years and then dying and then living again doesn’t make you a Muslim, it makes you Highlander. Well, this perked us up because we are both HUGE Highlander fans, but we couldn’t seem to recall any Muslims in either the movie or the TV series. Then I remembered that the only way to kill Highlander is to chop his head off. Since no one has been able to do this yet, we were sure that there hadn’t been any.

Mr. Muslim really lost us at this point though:

…think deeply about what are you doing here,…

Look, if we wanted to think deeply we wouldn’t be sitting around making up fake stories at all hours of the day and night. We decided Mr. Muslim sounds an awful lot like our wives* so we sort of tuned out the rest of his message. (*That’s just one wife each. I don’t know how you guys do it with seven or eight wives. I mean, I guess it helps that you can just bury them up to their necks in the town square and then huck stones at them if they displease you. We aren’t quite that progressive here yet.)

Even though Mr. Muslim was a bit put off by our efforts to engage the Islamic community, it’s still great to see that we have such a diverse group of readers throughout the world. We have everything from irate Muslims in Yemen, to splenetic followers of Islam in Indonesia, to cantankerous disciples of Mohammed in the Netherlands. Our Sitemeter geography reports have become a veritable tapestry of far-flung Islamic nationalities.

One last thing. The post that caused him such discomfort has been republished below in its entirety.

The news that a British teacher in Sudan was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her students to name a Teddy Bear “Mohammed” reflects more than simply a clash of religious beliefs and cultures– it also reveals that the Muslim world fails to see the amazing untapped potential of the Mohammed brand.

It’s our belief that American marketers would be thrilled to create Mohammed-licensed products that generate new revenue opportunities and build bridges to the Islamic community. Conversely, this represents a unique opportunity for Islam to communicate the tenets of its belief system to the traditional American community.

It’s a win-win situation.

We’ve taken the liberty of creating some prototypes that reflect the amazing potential of this co-marketing relationship. CLICK ALL TO ENLARGE.

BABY MOHAMMED WETS-A-LOT

 

Be the envy of your entire madrassa with the new Baby Mohammed Wets-A-Lot doll from Haraamboro Inc.! 3 Realistic Action Settings — diaper-wetting, binky-sucking, and indiscriminate-stabbing– add to the fun of this terrific toy!

 

“MUTILATION” BOARD GAME

 

Does your youngster dream of getting his medical degree, setting up a practice in a Western nation, and then plotting the death of scores of infidels? Does he have a talent for genital mutilation that far outstrips his chronological age? Then Mutilation with Mohammed is the game to help harness his precocious energies!

 

METRO-MALIBU MOHAMMED AND HIS LIFE-PARTNER BARRY

 

Tired of the Q’aran’s archaic attitudes towards homosexuality? Do you find yourself answering “b” when the other junior jihadis ask you the question: Is that a suicide belt around your waist or are you just happy to see me? Then Metro-Malibu Mohammed is the doll for you! Comes in: Tramp Stamp; Reach Around; and Full Body Wax (pictured) editions. (Life-Partner Barry and Glory-Hole Allah sold separately.)

 

MOHAMMED 8-BALL

 

Unsure of the proper protocol for addressing insults to the Prophet? Have a question as to why the Q’aran refuses to follow the “q-u” rule? Just need another opinion on which country’s flag to burn at the demonstration this evening? Then the Mohammed 8-Ball is your choice! You and your friends will be treated to a variety of answers that include: “My sources say burn an American flag.”; “Slit the pig’s throat.”; and the very popular, “It was the Jews fault.”

 

“MOHAMMEDOPOLY”

 

 

Visit Papyrus Place. Take a stroll down the mean streets of Islamabad Avenue. Just be sure to avoid a detour to Israel! It’s capitalism-meets-genital-caning in the great new game Mohammedopoly that is sure to provide hours of fun for the whole family*. (*By “whole family,” we mean heterosexual males of violence-producing age)

 

PROPHET MINI-WHEATS

 

Plotting the new caliphate is difficult enough without having to worry about the functionality of your colon. Stay regular in an irregular world with new Prophet Mini-Wheats!

 

UPDATE: MOHAMMED BRAND CONDOMS! CLICK TO ENLARGE.

Now call us naive, but what we found particularly upsetting was the fact that we attempted to reach out and build bridges to the Islamic community and roundly had our hand slapped away by Mr. Muslim. Since neither one of us does particularly well with rejection, we aren’t likely to open ourselves up to other people anytime in the near future.

 

 

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2. More Greetings From Amsterdam
3. Attempting to Calm Islamic Anger, New York Times reprints Dung-Covered Madonna Picture
4. ABC quietly shelves plans for Islamic Prophet Reality TV Show
5. Saudi Prince, Terrorists Outed