A decidedly more hawkish UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan today unveiled a “detailed, five-point UN strategy to combat terrorism.” Annan presented what he called his “five D’s” to the International Summit on Democracy, Terrorism and Security in Madrid.

They are as follows:

1. Debate. Debate first. Debate last. Debate while the explosions are going off. We must try to keep an open dialogue with those who want to kill you us. Would we stop talking with the noble cobra simply because it has killed our friends and lashes out insanely at our legs?
2. Democrats. American Democrats have a far more sophisticated understanding of world affairs and they realize, as Neville Chamberlain before realized, the importance of not offending your our enemies. If they are not offended by your our words then they will start to gain self-esteem. If they gain self-esteem they will no longer wish to blow themselves up.
3. Denial. As my father told me when I was a young boy: “Kofi, why should we kill the brave lion when we can just close our eyes and pretend he doesn’t exist? ” After he was eaten by a pride of lions I swore I’d live by those words.
4. Dancing. Why? Because everybody loves dancing.
5. Duct-tape. If we cannot solve the problem with the other ‘D’s then we will use duct-tape. If we cannot solve it with duct tape then Mufasa help us all.

When approached for comment Annan repeatedly praised the UN for being “proactive” with regard to fighting terror.

Annan carried his proactive theme to the next level when he announced two new UN initiatives that deal with violence in the world: The Problem With Pirates: What Can Be Done About Them? and Why Genghis Khan Must Be Stopped Now.

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