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Ask Islamic Rage Boy: Volume I
Dear Islamic Rage Boy,
My first daughter has come of age for genital mutilation and as you can imagine, I am quite nervous. She is the apple of my eye and I want to make sure that everything goes smoothly. Any suggestions?
Perennially Pacing in Pashtun Province
Dear Perennially Pacing,
Ah yes, I too remember well the labial maiming of my firstborn female. It is a very special occasion indeed. Here are a few tips to help with your big day:
- Do not use anything sharp for the ceremony such as a well-honed scalpel or a new razor blade. This will produce too clean of a cut and render the entire “mutilation” moot. I recommend a broken conch shell or a rusty fan blade. In a pinch you can simply gnaw off the offending organ, but this is not as desirable an option in my opinion.
- As the proud father just remember that everyone will want a piece of you on this day. Make sure to slow down and enjoy the moment. It will fly by quicker than you realize.
- Except for the obvious need during the ceremony, make sure her skin is completely covered. A genital mutilation can quickly turn into death by stoning; let’s focus on one rite of passage at a time!
- Be sure to have enough food. I still recall with horror a mutilation I attended in the mid-90s. Everything went off beautifully during the ceremony, but at the after-party all they had was a six-pack of chick pea cola and a single tray of “Jews-in-a-blanket.” To call this “poor form” would be an understatement of the first order.
I hope I have been of assistance. Enjoy your day!
Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar usage, homeopathy, and animal grooming.
- Ask Islamic Rage Boy: Volume VIII
- Ask Islamic Rage Boy: Volume VI
- Ask Islamic Rage Boy: Volume IV
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on Wednesday, June 27th, 2007 at 7:01 am and is filed under ASk Islamic Rage Boy, Conservative satire, Islamic Rage Boy, Islamofascism.
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Dear I.R.B.
I am a retired USMC with some remorse for the dastardly deeds we perpetrated in Iraq and Afganistan. My question is this:
In the hope that our current apologies are adequate for the mistakes we have made, I would like your opinion on where to bury the next 500,000 civilians who will die next year in those countries under president elect Hillary Clinton.
I am further concerned that the poppies we harvest in Afghanistan to be fed to the current 18,000 “rendition” prisoners will cause them to talk for such a lengthy time that they may expire at old age telling us all the sordid details of their own past mistakes. Would you accept a gift of these prisoners after we terminate them pre-maturely by O.D. opium reg. MIL-21B-40c?
Thirdly, your mother has given birth to a healthy young baby girl who very appropriately looks like me, and I can’t wait till she becomes a teenager so I may have my way with her! My question is, I fell guilty about burying your mother in the local garbage dump so I do find it difficult to follow your lead in mutilating the genitalia of my new daughter. Since she is a half grand daughter of yours I humbly ask your permission to not mutilate her….so I can screw her to the dirt till she’s 30 years old!
With your best interest in mind, and those of your fine family, I praise Allah and all things he has created large and small. praise be his name! Peace be upon him!
Solomiloka, Semper Fidelity!
Hal
There is still time, Brother!
Dear Islamic Rage Boy (PBUH)
How do you get your teeth so sparkling white?
I understand you use the crushed bleached bones of infidels for toothpaste. Is that true?
Also, do you have a sister named Flat Fatima and is your cousin Adan Hajj?
Algore Akhbar!
Laika
How do you get your teeth so sparkling white?
I understand you use the crushed bleached bones of infidels for toothpaste. Is that true?
Partially. I also floss regularly with the sinews of freshly slaughtered beagle puppies.
Also, do you have a sister named Flat Fatima and is your cousin Adan Hajj?
This is urban legend. However, I do have a partner by the name of Hsim bin Farook with whom I have made several hit records including the inimitable “I’m Not Sure Why I’m Aroused By These Things” which can be seen by the following the links here…
http://www.thenoseonyourface.com/2007/06/23/tnoyf-presents-the-islamic-rage-boy-retrospective/
Hey should,nt ROSIE O,DONNELL be is a burka instead of running around acting so upitty?
IRB has sound advice to offer to his fellow “believers.” What a hoot! Can you convince him to saw another politician’s head off anytime soon?
Hey, dude, congrats on the mention in Kathleen Parker’s latest column at Town Hall.
Thanks for the heads-up Jeff. That was nice to see. Now if any of our fans has any access to Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, or Rush, IRB is available for interviews….
Dear Islamic Rage Boy,
Have you ever considered medication for that little anger problem?
Also, who is your agent? Surely you have one, since you’ve become so well-known and are a photographer favorite!
Islamic Rage Boy Photoshops…
Funny. The Nose On Your Face has a coup of its own — the Islamic Rage Boy advice column. And more here. He’s also selling Islamic Rage Boy t-shirts and knicknacks through Cafe Press…….
[…] humour, mirth Are we Lumberjacks? (Schöne Kariakturen) The Nose On Your Face: Ask Islamic Rage Boy, Volume I & Volume II Cafepress: Islamic Rage Boy […]
Brother in Allah!
I see you have been posting under an assumed name on a talkback on the Economist website. You are to be congratulated on carrying the Jihad into the very heartland of decadent infidel lying western propaganda.
One question, though. Why do you use the name Nut Head?
http://www.economist.com/world/mideast-africa/displaystory.cfm?story_id=11893537&mode=comment&intent=readBottom