Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I need some guidance. My husband is the jealous type, and it is beginning to cause problems in our marriage. When we first started dating, I thought it was sort of cute that he would threaten other guys if they talked to, or looked at, me. You know, like it meant he really loved me. However, after being married just a brief time (six months next Friday), it is really starting to put a strain on the relationship.

For example, we were at the beach the other day and he got totally mad that I was wearing what he calls my “whore-wear.” It’s just a modest one-piece suit! He even yelled at me in front of some people and called me a slut! On top of that, he punched one of the lifeguards in the neck just because he said “hi” to me. My friend Jenny said that he is abusive and that I should leave him.

I really love him, but am rapidly being pushed over the edge. Help!

Jealously Guarded In Jacksonville

Dear Jealously,

Never have I before encountered such a selfish, ungrateful cur as yourself. “Oh, Islamic Rage Boy, my husband is mean to me! Wahhh, he yelled at me! Boo hoo hoo!” Enough!

Let me tell you what I see. I see a man who has taken tolerance, multiplied it by Gandhi, and then added ridiculous plus ten to the sum. Count your blessings you simpering harlot, were you my property, your overindulged American genitalia would feel the sting of my switch even as we speak. Tell me, do his other wives complain in a manner such as yours?

However, there is plenty of blame to go around in this dysfunctional coupling of which you are a part.

To your cowardly husband I ask the following: Why have you allowed your chattel to have Internet access? Can you honestly say you are surprised at her insolence given the radical ideas to which she has clearly been exposed? While I appreciate the fact that you reacted violently to her sporting uncovered skin at the beach, why was she allowed out of the house in the first place? And why was the object of your aggression this lifeguard and not the truly guilty party? It is as my father used to say, “If you hit them with a large stone, they ask for a medium. If they are thus pelted with a medium stone, they pine for the small.” Set about putting your house in order, boy.

Also, please forward me the address of this “Jenny” you spoke of. She has much to say, this one. I should very much like to speak with her regarding her tragically misguided dispensation of marital advice.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of fields including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, anti-Semitic behavior, and the making of hit records.

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