On this date in 1994, homosexual cannibal and necrophiliac Jeffrey Dahmer was bludgeoned to death with a broomstick by fellow inmate Christopher Scarver while Dahmer was cleaning the prison bathroom. Dahmer was serving fifteen consecutive life sentences for various murders he had committed through the years.

In honor of the 11th anniversary of his death, we here at The Nose On Your Face hoped to contact Mr. Dahmer for an interview.

With the assistance of our Senior Clairvoyance Correspondent, we were able to do just that.

TNOYF: Thank you for consenting to this interview Mr. Dahmer. With temperatures there reaching upwards of 5,000 degrees it must be quite uncomfortable so we do appreciate you taking the time.

JD: Oh, it’s really not a bother.

TNOYF: So. Bludgeoned to death by a broomstick in a prison toilet. Is that the way you pictured yourself going out?

JD: Actually, it’s not far off. I was leaning towards “sodomized with a chair leg while being simultaneously choked by two large Hispanic men in the weight room”, but we don’t always get to choose the way we die.

TNOYF: Those are the two most bizarre death scenarios that I have ever heard.

JD: Did you read your own intro? I’m a gay, cannibalistic necrophile. Did you see me going quietly in my sleep at a ripe old age?

TNOYF: Point taken. Is there anyone out there that you wished that you had gotten the chance to eat while you were still alive?

JD: Oh there are quite a few. Brad Pitt. John Travolta. From his Welcome Back Kotter days, not with that foolish Pulp Fiction look. Shatner of course. Umm… You know who else I always wanted to eat? Someone from that rock group Korn. Just so I could say to my friends “hey guys check out that chunk of Korn in my stool”. Sorry. That’s a terribly cliched cannibal joke. You’d have to eat people to get it.

TNOYF: I see. Were there people that you wouldn’t have eaten no matter the circumstances?

JD: My word, yes. Paris Hilton. If I’m going to get a burning sensation in my genitals, I want it to be because there is a bound and gagged young Asian boy holding a candle with his neck beneath my scrotum while he begs for his life with his pathetic, pleading stare. Not from eating bad skank meat.

TNOYF: Hmm. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

JD: If you ask me another question like that again I swear I will come back from the dead just to eat you.

TNOYF: Sorry. Mr. Dahmer, thank you for your time and hopefully we will get the opportunity to speak with you again sometime.

JD: The pleasure was all mine.    

Thanks to Wizbang!, Point 5, OTB, Basil.

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