It is not every day that you have the opportunity to sit down with a true cultural icon and get inside of his head. We at The Nose On Your Face had the honor of chatting with a man whose television show, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, has touched the lives of many children around the world: Mr. Fred Rogers.

TNOYF: Hello neighbor!

Mr. R (standing up): That’s it. I’m walking.

TNOYF: Mr. Rogers wait! Where are you going?

Mr. R (exiting the room): First of all, it’s ‘Fred’ pissface. Second, my publicist made it clear that there was to be none of that ‘neighbor’ bulls—! I do one little children’s show and I’m typecast for life.

TNOYF: Mr. Rog… err… Fred, please come back. That was my fault. I apologize. Please… have a seat.

Mr. R (sitting back down): Okay. But don’t push me. No ‘neighbor’, ‘neighborly’, ‘neighborhood’- none of it! You got it? People think I’m soft just because I hang out with puppets.

TNOYF: Well, the sweater probably doesn’t help that either.

Mr. R: What?!?

TNOYF: Nothing. Shall we begin?

Mr. R: Sure, sure. Sorry, I lost my head for a minute. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.

TNOYF: No problem. It happens. Fred, if you were a tree what type of tree would you be?

Mr. R: Hmmm… I would have to say a weeping willow. They are so flowing and graceful.

TNOYF: Oh, I love those. When I was growing up we had a bunch of those in the neighbo… Next question. What is it like being loved by so many children?

Mr. R: Who squealed?!?

TNOYF: Fred I don’t…

Mr. R: It was Timmy wasn’t it?!?

TNOYF: What are you talk…

Mr. R: That little son of a b—-!

TNOYF: I meant loved by children because of your tv show.

Mr. R: I knew that. I was just, uh, practicing for a role that I’m going to be playing in a new movie.

TNOYF: Oh, what movie is that?

Mr. R: What movie is it? Umm, they haven’t titled it yet. How about another question there?

TNOYF: What three things would you bring with you if you were trapped on a desert island?

Mr. R: Good question. My hamster. Cat Fancy magazine. And a jar of Nutella.

TNOYF: Why Nutella?

Mr. R: Why not?

TNOYF: Okay. What is in your CD player right now?

Mr. R: Snoop Dogg: Live From Yo’ Momma’s Izzass, Volume I.

TNOYF: Is there a Mrs. Rogers?

Mr. R: Oh boy. Let me put it this way: Was there a Mrs. Liberace?

TNOYF: Got it. Finish this sentence for me. “The hardest thing I have ever had to do was…”

Mr. R: “… get the blood stains out of my trunk after that incident with the drifter.”

TNOYF: Care to elaborate on that.

Mr. R: No.

TNOYF: Fred I know this is ridiculous, but there is a rumor out there that as a boy you were involved in a street gang. I know this is not true, but could you help us to understand where this nonsense came from?

Mr. R: 12th Street Marionettes fool. But that was a long time ago. A long, long time ago.

TNOYF: Wow. Well that was my last question. On behalf of The Nose On Your Face I would like to thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

Mr. R: Marionettes in the hizz-ouse!

(Sadly, Mr. Rogers Fred died shortly after this interview.)

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