“The truth is not something that one can just be allowed to uncover for ones self. It must be properly shaped and molded by those that know best what the truth ought to be and how things ought to be presented so that it is perceived that way by the maximum number of people possible. This is why the mainstream media exists, to be the gatekeepers of news and information. You can’t just have people going around undermining a carefully crafted meme with inconvenient facts!”

-Harry Reid on a lawsuit filed by the DNC that seeks to prevent Republicans from using  Democrats own words against them.

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“This is common ground between our peoples. This action has shown that we have more in common than the conventional wisdom says.”

-White House spokesman Scott McClellan reacting to Iran’s decision to ban Kenny G and George Michael.

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“The box is over there, you miserable piece of human waste. Get your own damn doughnut.”

-Jack Bauer to a terrorist subject in the new, more realistic, season of “24″.

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“And don’t get me started on General Otman. You’d think a famous centaur like that would have his choice of lady centaurs, and even horses, ‘fer Christ’s sake, but he has a taste for the Jersey, if you get me meanin’.”

- Transplanted Jersey Cow “Betsy of Narnia” on the milking practices in her adopted land.

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“Having lost my soon-to-be-ex-husband to the Republicans, I decided to infiltrate their society with the intent of ultimately subverting it toward more noble, liberal ideas. I carefully executed my strategy. First, I purchased some new conservative clothes. Next, using my dog clippers and a couple of disposable razors, I shaved my armpits and legs for the first time in over 30 years and sold the sacks of hair to a company that makes wigs, netting enough money to pay for the clothes and a DVD player I’ve been wanting.”

- Peace Moonbeam

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5. Red Sox Should Provide Instant Email Notification for Player Hair Style Changes

“The last thing we need is to terrorize conquered French citizens. After all, the French army should be doing that, and they would be were they not still traumatized from the blitzkrieg ass-beating that the Germans put on them. I actually did support liberating France… before I didn’t. But anyway, we don’t expect a time line… but we do expect a ‘line of time’ for success. Did I mention I served in World War I?”

- John Kerry’s grandfather Kashen Kerry criticizing Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s decision to enter World War II.

Submitted by Jonathan Leffingwell at Crush Liberalism

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“He was always accusing me of stuff like ‘masticating in public’. I know I’ve never done that.”

- Jessica Simpson on her break-up with Nick Lachey.

Submitted by Rodney Dill.

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“Mr. Berger has often stuffed things down me, but this time I just feel that I cannot, in good conscience, keep my zipper shut!”

-Sandy Berger’s pants.

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“Debate first. Debate last. Debate while the explosions are going off. We must try to keep an open dialogue with those who want to kill you us. Would we stop talking with the noble cobra simply because it has killed our friend and lashes out insanely at our legs?”

-U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan on his five point plan for combating terrorism.

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“If I was gay or a Frenchman I wouldn’t be sleeping too soundly just now.”

- President Bush after being asked about major policy initiatives for his second term.

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