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Where Are All Of The Moderate Farm Combines?
Editorial by Buckley F. Williams
I read with great dismay, although no surprise, a story this morning about another innocent farmer whose arm was viciously mauled by a bloodthirsty farm combine: a phenomenon known in combine circles as a “homicide mangling.” By my count, that makes seventeen such attacks in calendar year 2007 (and that’s not including one so-called “accident” in Iowa where a farmer, clearly fearing combine reprisal, told police his cat bit his arm off). As this pattern of violence by these machinated extremists continues, those in the mainstream media do their level best to ignore the facts and present this trend as a common occurrence in all gas-powered machines.
Indeed, if such organizations as The New York Timesand CNN are to be believed, you would be under the impression that you are just as likely to have your arm ripped from the shoulder in a snow plow, leaf blower, or street sweeper as in the farm combine’s whirling blades of death. This is patently false. Moreover, such equivocation merely detracts from the problem at hand and gives a de facto pass to the true aggressors.
The question then remains: Why do combines get a free pass? Well, for starters, the PC mentality that riddles our national discourse has greatly contributed to the special treatment–some would say coddling–that combines have enjoyed from most in the political and media establishments. On top of that, there are those in the combine community who protest loudly and vigorously at any perceived slight or instance of combine-profiling, claiming that the fundamentalist combine organizations are fringe groups and not reflective of the combine population at large.
Take the words of Ibrahim Cropper, spokesman for the Council of Combine Anti-defamation, Independence, and Reparations (CCAIR). When presented with irrefutable facts regarding the extent of farm combine violence, Mr. Cropper immediately dismissed the information as suspect.
“Rhetoric such as this smacks of intolerance and combinophobia at their basest levels,” said Cropper. “Since their creation by the Most High John Deere–Wheat Be Upon He–combines have been known as the Farm Implements of Peace. That anyone would question this speaks volumes about the depth of hatred in their hearts, and the low moral fiber within their souls.”
To say that Mr. Cropper misses the point would be an understatement of the first order. Any serious-minded person would see his arguments for what they are: transparent attempts to skirt the issue and convince the American farmer that the combine is his friend when all evidence suggests otherwise. But the angry, fundamentalist combine invective is the dominant voice in the combine community. A recent poll of combines showed that most felt mangling was justified under certain conditions. What are we to think?
To date, most of the attacks have taken place in the traditional combine enclaves of the Midwest. However, this most recent mangling occurred on the east coast–South Carolina to be exact. As the wave of violence spreads out across the land, we must ask ourselves: Where are all of the so-called moderate combines that we keep hearing so much about?
Chillingly, the combine that attacked in South Carolina this weekend was described by other farm machines as an upstanding piece of the harvest apparatus, well-liked by all and even good-humored. It wasn’t until after the attack, as the rogue combine was being disassembled, that police discovered the fundamentalist combine literature under the hay.
We’ve grown weary of the platitudes: Most combines don’t agree with these attacks; combines are under a great deal of stress at harvest time; they are only reacting to George Bush’s failed agricultural policies. As long as Mr. Cropper and his ilk continue to present weak excuses, it will be left to the rest of us to keep the pressure on our government to address this growing wave of combino-fascism.
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- HELLO NEW POTFRY VISITORS…
- Frist Silences Helen Thomas
Could this give rise to John Deere Rage Boy?
What about the new militant group, Hamas-see Ferguson?
I’ll stop now before I behead myself.
Yep, raised among farmers, then went to college–deadly combination.
LK
I grew up in a farming community and as a result was subjected to generations of built up anti-combine jokes and rhetoric. I tried to displace my bigoted ideas about combines but often after a couple of drinks I find myself slipping into racial slurs and jokes. As an act of rebellion my daughter announced recently that she is going to the Winter Harvest Dance with a green combine. I’m so upset but I’m trying to be all “everyone is the same, differences in culture don’t matter and blah blah blah.” I write this as a warning to all–your kids are listening so be careful.
Farm-Allah be praised.
Just in “Case” you’re wondering, this is not an “International” problem my “Deere”. As you drive the American heartland, you’ll notice the signs posted along roads in front of fields at harvest time. When the combino-fascists are on the move, they look for those signs, and when seen, they spare the farmer. Those signs are code for how many virgins have been sacrificed in the name of Allah.
You know Laurie, Murphy, John, and Stacy,
You have all been regular visitors/commenters/friends of our site for quite some time, and we have always appreciated what each of you brings to the table. However, the lot of you seem to know just a bit too much (and appear just a tad on the sympathetic side) when it comes to the growing problem of combino-fascism.
Not making any accusations, simply pointing out the facts. You are all still welcome here, but I feel I should let you know that we will be watching you with a great deal more scrutiny.
Except for Stacy. We’ve had her under double-secret surveillance ever since she first purchased some IRB gear.
Look, this is America and I’m…well…I’m just going to say it. I hate those pinko, obese, hideous-looking good for nothing combines. There I’ve said it–they are a blight on our Country, they always have their “hands” out and they have nothing but an entitlement mentality. Further, they hang with themselves and shun others but God-forbid we shun them,then all hell breaks loose. Thanks for letting me vent. I guess the letters will start coming in now. Well for those of you that are staging sit-ins in protest of all of us “combinists” as you call us–go ahead and write–you can send your letters to my attention at 123 Eat Wheat, at Kiss My Ass, Texas.
That explains that tingling sensation I feel when I drink from my IRB mug while wearing my TNOYF t-shirt.
Murphy, if nothing else I respect your honesty regarding your beliefs.
Stacy, I can neither confirm nor deny our role in the “tingling sensation” that you feel when sporting officially licensed TNOYF gear. I can, however, report that your experience is not atypical of the average consumer of our merchandise. So much so that we are contemplating changing our tagline to:
“The Nose On Your Face: Come for the poorly crafted humor, stay for the full-body tingling sensation.”
Mr. Williams,
I welcome the scrutiny. Keep on watchingp–seriously. That only means Dennis Hastert is in good company.
Huh?
Just so you know, I made a meat wad effigy of Harry Reid for dinner last night. Ate it some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
LK
For the umpteenth time Ms. Kendrick, WE KNOW YOU WELCOME THE SCRUTINY!! However, we are simply not…staffed…to perform the extensive cavity searches that you have repeatedly requested.
What’s more, we don’t even know what the “Spelunk-ometer 3000″ is, nor do we care to know exactly where it goes.
Okay, you’re not adequately staffed. But perhaps there is some sort of waitng list for these cavity searches of which you speak?
There is. It seems that slots 1-356 are occupied by a fellow of Hispanic ancestry–a certain Senor Potfry. I’ll fit you in at 357 John.
Don’t let Rage Boy near one of those things!
Maybe they could be all be fitted with large gum shields, the combines not the farmers. If the famers wore them they would have severed heads, but wonderfully perfect teeth.
Maybe they should start putting the warning in letters instead of those dumb pictures like they do now screw this biliguial poppycock