Guest Editorial by Grand Kleagle Jackson

I can honestly say that I never thought I’d find myself agreeing with a colored, but danged if that Whoopi Goldberg fella doesn’t make a boatload of sense. Now, I don’t know too much about Mr. Goldberg, and he’s not the type I’d typically have over for a social visit, although I have to admit that I rooted for him in that movie where he hunted down Arnold, that cross-dressing wrestler, and the negro fighter from the Rocky films. So when I heard him speak out in support of Michael Vick by saying that dogfighting is a tradition among the coloreds from the Deep South that should be respected, my first instinct was to reach for my trusty lighter, a gallon of gasoline, and a length of rope. But then I got to thinking. Tradition. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Now, there are many types of traditions involving coloreds here in the South. Speaking as someone who has seen his own personal traditions and viewpoints stomped on by out-of-control political correctness, I certainly agree with Mr. Goldberg that tradition must be protected at all costs.

Take the term “coloreds” for instance. This is an innocuous, traditional Southern term used to describe savage African beasts of burden. Unfortunately, in a cruel break with my people’s custom, this word is now considered offensive by many and is taboo in most circles. And unless you’re one of them gibberish-spewing, latter-day minstrels they call “rappers”, you can’t use the word n***** at all. (See? The chicken-shit editor just blocked it out.) If you do, you’ll have to apologize on national tv while wearing a “World’s # 1 Al Sharpton Fan!!” t-shirt. That’s not all, they also garnish 85% of your wages for the rest of your life. It happened to my friend Hank’s cousin. I’m not even kidding.

The madness does not end there. Did you know that in most Southern states it is now considered a “hate crime” to draw and quarter a negro? Oh yeah, it’s true. Don’t even think about setting them on fire any more. Heavens no. And just try advocating for the traditional Southern custom of slavery at a dinner party nowadays. You’ll be standing alone on one side of the room with people pointing at you faster than if you were Rosie O’Donnell with a bowlful of hot wings and a misfiring gastrointestinal tract. Whatever happened to protecting the white man’s traditions?

That is why I was so heartened to hear a black man talking sense for a change, even though protecting my traditions will likely have an adverse affect on him personally. Mr. Goldberg clearly understands that a larger issue is at stake here. We could all learn a thing or two from him.

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