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The Case For Having Jack Bauer Annex Mexico
Editorial-
The debate over our lax border control policies and the subsequent flow of illegal immigration that accompanies them, continues to rage. Thus far a plethora of solutions have been offered, but none that is truly feasible in and of itself.
One of the more intriguing ideas is building a giant, Mexican-proof retaining wall that spans our southern border. Although this might prove effective, there are some major copyright issues with the Chinese that would need to be worked out.
Others have suggested that we deploy the National Guard along the border. Although they could no doubt handle the situation, political pandering has prevented this from happening up until this point.
What to do then? The way I see it the answer is straightforward and simple. We take over Mexico and make it our 51st state.
“How?” you may ask. Simple again. We tell Jack Bauer that the Mexican government has kidnapped his daughter Kim and that the only way to save her is to secure the country. If my estimates are correct we should have Mexico in our control between the hours of 7:00 am and 8:00 am on the day he is sent in.
Sure, there are some logistical concerns that need to be hammered out. Foremost being that we will need to build a ventilation duct that reaches across the border into Mexico to enable Bauer to infiltrate that country. But details aside, the plan is sound.
The benefits of annexing Mexico are numerous, but I have outlined a few of the more obvious ones:
- Less border to defend. Our new southern border would be 696 miles long as compared to the 2,000 miles that we currently must defend. Bauer’s kill count from this mission will no doubt provide enough bodies to build a 696 mile long human wall, with enough left over to create watchtowers at regular intervals. This should plug any potential gaps along the Belize/Guatemala border and at the same time sidestep the Chinese trademark issue.
- Holiday consolidation. We will finally be able to combine Mexico’s Day of the Dead with America’s Halloween to form the super-holiday to end all super-holidays.
- Tijuana et al. No need to stop at those annoying border patrol checkpoints when you feel the need to head down south for a bit of Tequila and Mexican lovelies. After waking up in a pool of your own piss and vomit with your wallet missing and a burning sensation when you urinate, the last thing you want to do is wait in line to get home.
- Mexican television. No more creepy, sombrero-wearing, Spanish-speaking clowns playing “La Cuccharacha” to a group of grown men and women pretending to be children while the live studio audience laughs hysterically. Enough.
- Cynthia McKinney dilution factor. With so much more square footage added to the country we should be able to “water down” her race-based oral diarrhea (so to speak).
- Monsters in my closet. I am unaware of a single incident where a Mexican household has had monsters in their closet. Perhaps upon annexation they can help me with mine.
I expect that this proposal will be well-received and that we can soon begin the task of assimilating the estimated 15-20% of Mexican nationals who are reportedly still in Mexico.
Thanks to: Mudville, Conservative Cat, OTB, The American Princess, The Anchoress, Public Eye, Wizbang, Samantha Burns
Technorati tags: immigration, Mexico, Bush, border, Jack Bauer, conservative, Republicans, humor, satire
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“the super holiday to end all holidays” Great, great stuff.
It would have been nice to have mentioned Larry Elder. He has been pusing this solution for over a year. Since the illegals first started beating Americans up in LA - err “demonstrating”- over a year ago.
Not that I think it is a very good idea. But it is better than any my liberal President has come up with. But that is like saying the Chargers are a much better team than the Raiders. While it is true, neither is any good.
Not to piss on your parade…but what would we call New Mexico once we add Mexico as the 51st state?
I agree
http://tdaxp.blogspirit.com/archive/2006/04/05/james-madison-wants-union-with-mexico-to-avoid-being-like-fr.html
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“what would we call New Mexico once we add Mexico as the 51st state?”
“Mexico-la Classic”.
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With ya all the way…..we change the name of New Mexico to Mexico Lite and have Kraft sponsor it.
Funny how we hit the same idea same morning. It’s either a case of great minds or you need help.
http://kendersmusings.blogspot.com/2006/04/i-have-solution.html
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“It’s either a case of great minds or you need help.”
Or both.:)
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