Guest Editorial-

by Ike Turner

Cindy Sheehan, Cindy Sheehan, Cindy Sheehan. Everywhere I turn it’s Cindy Mother-f—ing Sheehan with her loud mouth and big hunger striking ass. Who gave this trick a microphone and media access? Better yet, who’s been slipping her the feed bag filled with gravy-soaked bacon double cheeseburgers?

A hunger strike? I ain’t never seen a hunger strike have the sort of effect on a woman like Cindy’s has had on her. If she wasn’t able to explain away those propeller marks on her back as a childhood incident that occurred when her daddy ‘accidentally’ threw her under an outboard motor, I’d swear to God she was a manatee. I’m still suspicious about that alibi. Girl, a little more fasting and I can get you some work as a stunt double in the Fahrenheit 9/11 sequel. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice thick woman, but I’d have to put an end to all that yapping pronto. I know it’s supposedly a ‘new era’ where women are allowed to speak their minds and learn things, and all that junk, and I think that’s sort of cute. In small doses.

Believe me when I tell you, if she was my woman, I’d have her in check. No travelling around the country to protest the president (last time I checked, the president is a man and where I come from ain’t no woman gonna protest a man). No more going on television and giving her opinion on foreign affairs, politics or anything else. Period.

However, just to show her that I am somewhat of an enlightened individual, I am willing to make some concessions. She can still pitch a tent in the back yard of the house and invite her lady friends to sleep over. As many as she’d like and as often as she’d like. Provided, of course, that they get on the Cindy Diet and not Saddam’s version (he’s still my man, but the boy is starting to look a bit gaunt).

Thanks to: Point Five, Wizbang, Samantha Burns

Technorati tags: Cindy Sheehan, hunger strike, Saddam Hussein, conservative, satire, humor 

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