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Vermont Put On Suicide Watch After Attempts To Secede From US
Beautiful yet exceedingly troubled Vermont has been put back on twenty-four-hour guard after declaring their intentions to secede from the United States of America. This new development comes on the heels of other exhibitions of self-destructive behavior by the Green Mountain State.
“This is as clear a cry for help as any I can recall,” said psychiatrist Daniel Wicklacz. “They have been abusing themselves for years and we watched and did nothing. Civil unions. Socialist senators. Naming Todd Bridges as their tourism spokesman. At least now it looks like Vermont might finally get the help it needs.”
Some citizens, however, are quite pleased with Vermont’s decision which they say will end up benefiting the country as a whole.
“This is our big chance to take back Vermont and rebuild it from the ground up,” said Utica, New York native Mark Ferguson. “Once you get past the VW Bugs laden with anti-Bush bumper stickers driven by balding, ponytail-clad asshats, it’s a pretty place to visit. The way I see it, declaring secession is tantamount to declaring war and I certainly like our chances in a straight-up fight with the 51st Yummy Ice Cream Brigade. What’s the point of having lax gun laws if you only use them to make taxpayer funded gay snuff films?”
On the whole, most Vermonters back secession from the nation they feel is hindering their progress.
“Vermont has plenty to offer its citizens and our association with the America is holding us back,” said Burlington citizen Solara Maizeworth. “We are on the cutting- no, the bleeding- edge of the progressive movement; ahead of our time if you will. Did you know that we were named as the state ‘Most Friendly To Child Predators’ for the seventh straight time by Pedophile Fancymagazine? Probably not. Are you aware of the fact that we have the highest density of homosexual bed ‘n’ breakfasts west of Provincetown? I didn’t think so. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you also have no clue that over the last twenty-three years, 85% of the medal recipients at the highly regarded International Granola Games have been Vermonters. We demand respect, and forming our own nation is the first step in that direction.”
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