Faced with the difficult prospect of not being black enough to receive endorsements from Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and many other leaders in the African-American community, Senator Barack Obama has decided to take action. Obama has unveiled a detailed plan that, some experts feel, will boost his street cred by a minimum of 125 percentage points and thus increase his chances of becoming this nation’s second ever black president.

“I am very pleased to see that Senator Obama is addressing his black deficiencies,” said Jackson. “The esteemed group of advisors that he has in place are more than qualified to assist him in getting in touch with his African-American roots.”

A study that Obama recently commissioned (conducted by notable black experts including rapper Snoop Dogg, singing legend Ike Turner, and Crips member Dontrell “Dookie Bear” Williams) has produced some fascinating and specific suggestions to improve his electability in the black community. 

The recommendations of the commission include:

• Lose the Volvo. A Volvo?!? A black man driving a Volvo?!?! Man, you might as well get “I love Dick Van Dyke” tatooed on your face. Are you out your damn mind?
• Demonstrate pimp-hand strength. Pick a trick at random. Rattle that melon. Rinse. Repeat.
• Punk down John Edwards during a nationally televised debate.
• Talk about the time you spent in “juvey.”
• Demand integration. Proceed to form exclusively black clubs, colleges, and organizations.
• Subtle language changes. When speaking about President Bush, change the wording from “this administration” to “them mother-f***ers right there.” 
• Threaten to “rip that damn weave” off of Hillary’s head.
• Downplay your voting record; play up your criminal record.
• More attitude. Tilt your hat sideways. Pull pants down to your knees exposing your boxer shorts, butt-crack, and lower sigmoid colon. Demand to be referred to as “Spoonie B.”

Jackson went on to say that Obama’s gains may be hard to detect via polls in the black community.

“We really try to discourage reading and other forms of fancy white man’s learning,” said Jackson. “In my experience I have found that asking black folks for their own opinion just clouds the issue. I have graciously offered to lend my own viewpoints instead.”    

 

 

 

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