The discovery that the famous Saratoga Spa State Park’s “natural mineral water” baths have been diluted with ordinary tap water has been met with outrage by scores of people around the nation. However, it is the bathhouse community itself that is most upset.

“I’m not happy about this, I’ll tell you that,” said San Francisco resident Daniel Pearson, proprietor of ‘Sweaty Dan’s Rinse ‘n’ A Reach Around’. “It’s hard enough trying to combat the stereotypes that go with owning a bathhouse. Like, ‘Ooh, ooh, bathhouses are where all the gays go to have gay sex.’ It’s not like that and frankly, I get tired of having to defend the industry. Now we have to add fraud to the list of… hey… with the camera there… do you work out?”

Other bathhouse owners echo Pearson’s sentiments.

“This is going to bring down more heat on those of us who run clean, honest, heterosexual, bathhouses,” said ‘Hiding Nemo’s Man-On-Man-Emporium’ owner Jake Tilson. “Do I want the feds coming in here running tests on my water? Hell no. Not that I have anything to hide, it just gives the wrong impression about my establishment. My customers come here to take a nice, relaxing bath, strike up a conversation with other muscular, tattoed fellas, and maybe listen to the soundtrack from Cats!. Why is that so wrong?”

Others feel that the name “Saratoga Springs” is misleading and constitutes fraud on the part of the spa.

In a related story, a class-action lawsuit has been filed against Lay’s potato chips. The suit maintains that the fast-food giant has “deliberately misled customers into believing that eating their product will actually increase their chances of ‘hooking up’.”  

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