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New Poll Shows Americans Favor Direct, Honest Holiday Greetings
A new poll released by Rasmussen Reports shows that while 26% of Americans like stores to use “Happy Holidays” in their seasonal advertising, the remaining 74% prefer that the businesses simply tell them to “F*** off and give us your money.”
“We are clearly seeing a shift in Americans attitudes,” said Rasmussen pollster John 
Garwin. “When I look at these numbers I see that people want a more straightforward approach from the companies they deal with. I strongly suspect that the businesses that pick up on this trend, and really begin to tell their customers to get f***ed, are going to see a strong increase in holiday sales.”
Interviews with random U.S. citizens tends to back the findings in the report.
“I have to be honest–I like the no-nonsense, in-your-face approach,” said Melissa Constantine of Peoria, Illinois. “But then, I also tend to date guys who treat me like crap. Anyways, I don’t really believe that businesses care about Hanukkah, Christmas, Ramadan, or Kwanzaa unless it helps their bottom line. If they could make a few extra sales by saying ‘Merry Idi Amin Day’ I don’t doubt they’d do it.”
Eager to cash in on the new polling data, savvy businesses like McGinley’s Department Store in Bennington, Vermont have taken things a step further.
“We are still using Santa’s,” said store manager Brie Tarlan. “But we’ve instructed them to take a more direct approach with the children [see photo]. Not only have we seen an increase in sales of major appliances, but our customers seem genuinely happy to have everything out in the open. No one is putting on airs in McGinley’s.”
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This is so refreshing to hear–finally some honesty in the world. I’ve set up a new business this year that I invite you to try. I have a 1-800 number. First you call it and tell me what your kid did wrong–then have the kid call, tell them I’m Santa and I’ll say something like, “Hello Billy, this is Santa–I’m checking my list and what do ya know–you are not on it. Apparently you have been pulling your sister’s hair and wetting your bed–if this doesn’t stop immediately–you will be placed on the naughty list forever–ha ha ha haaaaaaaa” And then I hang up–It isn’t approved by Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family yet–but I’m working on it.
What Murph? You own stock in a pharmaceutical company pushing anti-depressants? Cuz something like that will totally f**k a kid up.
See, I’m watching my mouth during the Merry Idi Amin Day season.
I know-I was just kidding–I love kids–I mean “my” kids. But seriously I do have stock in Upjohn and Merck.
Quit all this PC Secular nonsenes its getting rediclous as if their afraid of offending some atheists idiots