Famed chef and TV personality Emeril Lagasse has drawn the ire of anti-gun groups over the use of his trademark catchphrase, “Bam!” TNOYF has received credible reports that the ACLU will be filing a lawsuit on behalf of these groups against Mr. Lagasse citing the “zero tolerance” policies that many schools employ as a precedent for the suit.

“Guns don’t kill people, TV hosts who make gun noises kill people,” said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “Mr. Lagasse has the audacity to go on national television and make money with this violent, gun-related language? My clients have had their feelings hurt because of Mr. Lagasse’s wanton disregard for human life. And as we all know, when feelings get hurt, you have to pay. Cash money.”

The lawsuit seeks the following:

• Change of the catchphrase “Bam!” to either “Bunny Hugs!” or “Snuggle!”
• Lagasse’s participation in public service announcements denouncing: guns, gun owners, fake guns, invisible guns, people named Gunther and those sticks that sort of look like guns that little boys pretend are guns
• 50 million dollars in punitive damages
• Mr. Lagasse’s recipe for Chilean Sea Bass
• The standard acknowledgment of the ACLU’s bravery for filing this suit
• Mr. Lagasse to write “I am sorry,” 5,000 times

Mr. Lagasse was unavailable for comment as he was busy working and otherwise being a productive member of society.

                                                                                                                       

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