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ACLU Crosses Party Lines, Backs Craig
The American Civil Liberties Union recently filed a brief citing a ruling in Minnesota Supreme Court thirty-eight years ago, that found that individuals who have sex in public restroom stalls “have a reasonable expectation of privacy.”
To the shock of some, this brief was entered on behalf of a Republican: Senator Larry Craig of Idaho.
“I know, I know,” said ACLU spokesman Sandy Vazheen. “We’ve been catching a lot of flack for representing ‘one of them.’ I’m a little bit uncomfortable with it myself. But the ACLU prides itself on advocating for anyone who has had his or her rights trampled on. Do the majority of victims fall on the liberal side of the political spectrum? By definition, yes. However, when mainstream behavior like Senator Craig’s comes under fire, the ACLU will step up to the plate regardless of that person’s party affiliation. Unless, of course, that person is a Jesus-freak, a Southerner, or someone who voted for Reagan.”
Critics have questioned Vazheen’s categorization of coital relations in public restrooms as “mainstream.”
“This defies belief,” said Conservative Party spokesman James Grezner. “Not only is the ACLU working feverishly to destroy any last shred of decency in this country, and to redefine ‘mainstream,’ but they are also creating an incredibly hostile work environment for right-leaning satirists. How do those poor folks top this? Who will stand up for their rights?”
For his part, Vazheen stands by his statement.
“It’s very easy for people like Mr. Grezner to criticize others while he sits there in his Big-Oil-funded, 50,000-square-foot mansion that was built on top of a spotted owl sanctuary. He is obviously a gay-bashing, Christian bigot. But back to the issue at hand. There is a legal precedent from 1970 that addresses this exact situation. Does that mean nothing? I think my mentor, ACLU legend Bernie Hokum, put it best when he said, ’I may not agree with the particular stall you choose to perform extramarital, homosexual sodomy within earshot of children in, but I will defend with my life your ability to exercise your Gaia-given right to do so.’ Powerful words indeed.”
Grezner remained unmoved.
“Let’s not forget what other precedents the ’70s brought us. Platform shoes, disco music, feathered hair, and the Carter presidency. Furthermore, I’ve read my Constitution and I can’t seem to find the part where it says that we have the right to turn public restrooms into fellatio-riddled, AIDS-incubators. I’m just sayin’…”
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It is about time the ACLU stood up for something of real merit. After all–there are hundreds of people that want to have sex (whether straight or not) in retail store dressing rooms but have been denied this right for years. Now, maybe if this precedent is established we can all get lucky in more quasi-public locations like dressing rooms, cars with tinted windows, confessionals, private dining rooms in restaurants and under a big blanket at professional and college sporting events. I’m finally feeling as “free as a barn swallow.”
I am suprised McGreevey didn’t push something like this through in NJ. He wasn’t stupid enough to solicit a federal agent though. His code word was, “tap your foot three times if you are proud to be a Gay American.”
Smell ya later!
Either you misquoted Mr. Vazheen or he misstated “someone who voted for Reagen”, when he clearly meant “someone who voted for Bush”, or someone who expressed the opinion that Bush is only slightly worse than Hitler.
So would you guys say that the ACLU is BEHIND HIM all the way?
I typed in capitals because the intrinsic subtlety of the joke may be hard to detect for some.
I am somewhat skeptical about the ACLU motives. I would guess that the ACLU’s defense would be about as strong as a wet noodle. Or a limp…
Sandy Vazheen: “We did our best – but you don’t win them all. This is one we did not win. Oh well, we will have better luck with the next client.”
The ACLU the ATHEISTS.COMMUNISTS and LAWYERS.UNDERGROUND one of the best supporters of terroristts illegal aleins,extermists,radicals,rapists,child molsters and other assorted anarcists
Lawl. Get it? “LAWl” instead of “lol”?
…*groan*
Good article, anyway. The ACLU’s very presence still irks me.
ACLU crossing over to the other side to push for the right to have gay sex in men’s rooms. They must be PROUD.