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The TNOYF Time Travel Machine Presents The First Meeting Of U.S. President Barack Obama And Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmahdinejad
After a brief stint in the repair shop, the TNOYF Time Travel Machine is up and running again. Today we present the first meeting of U.S. President Barack Obama and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, October 13, 2009.
President Ahmadinejad, it is an honor and a privilege to finally meet with you sir. And let me personally guarantee that you will not be treated as an international pariah on my watch, as you were under the previous administration.
You are a man of honor. But first things first. Did you bring the red M&M’s wrapped in a well-worn oven mitt?
As promised. You’ll find them tucked neatly inside the Israeli-skin valise, per your request. And may I add that you were correct, Hebrews do indeed make fine suitcases.
Yes, soft and durable. The only problem is whenever I try to take money from one, the damn bag won’t let go of it!
Bwa ha ha ha! Stop it! You’re killing me here, Mahmoud!
Sorry. It’s an old joke, but one of my favorites. Anyhoo. Where do we stand on the list of diplomatic concessions I have requested? Delaware?
Let me say that I found your requests to be quite reasonable and I don’t foresee any problems. And yes, I have asked Congress to fast track your proposed “Islamic State of Delaware” bill. We should be looking at a red crescent on the state flag by end of calendar year 2009. And as I anticipated, Senator Biden will be thrilled to serve as Sultan.
Great. Burt Reynolds?
I have personally seen to it that you will have round-the-clock access to Mr. Reynolds’ personal mustache groomer starting a week from this Monday.
Splendid. What of the gays?
Of course. I have issued an executive order that provides for the liquidation of Provincetown and San Francisco, and prohibits Elton John concerts on U.S. soil. However, I do expect some pushback from the less enlightened of our citizens.
Sorry to be such a stickler on this one, and I do sympathize with your plight. It can be quite difficult to change ingrained habits, especially in a recovering democracy, but it is for the best. As we discussed, I’m just trying to bring you guys up to speed on the whole homosexual thing.
I understand. We are also working feverishly to work out the details on the female insubordination bill you recommended. We are way behind, or perhaps I should say way ahead, of the times on this one. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the final version of the “No Cranium Left Unstoned” act. And may I note that I have thoroughly enjoyed discovering more about your rich culture. The ancient rites and traditions are beyond fascinating.
Ah yes, and there is so much more.
Color me eager to learn. You know, Mahmoud, it occurred to me that we have a great deal in common. We both have Arabic middle names. We both draw enormous crowds to our rallies and– I didn’t know this about you earlier–it turns out we are both huge Ted Rall fans as well. Which actually reminds me…I have a surprise for you.
You didn’t.
I most certainly did, Mahmoud. Your favorite Rall cartoon, mounted and signed by The Ted himself.
The one about the average American IQ rising because soldiers are dying?
The same. It’s a favorite of mine too.
I don’t know what to say. I only hope that one day I will be able to return the favor.
Well actually, there is one thing you could do to help me out.
Name it.
You recently referred to the state of Israel as a “stinking corpse” on their 60th anniversary. While I can appreciate the intended metaphoric context of the phrase, many in my country are stubbornly insisting that you actually meant a fragrant carcass. I was hoping you might be able to work with me and perhaps adjust your rhetoric a bit. Just to give me a bit more wiggle room at home.
Certainly. It’s the least I can do to show my appreciation for your extreme generosity, welcoming demeanor, and, may I add, keen diplomatic skills. Which do you prefer: rotting cadaver? maggot-riddled stiff?
I was thinking more along the lines of noxious crowbait or putrid spindleshanks.
Hmm. I’d like to work with you, but I’m not feeling any of these. Tell you what, why don’t we split the difference and go with miasmic tenement of clay?
Done. I was just telling my wife this morning, “You know sweetie, this is a man I can work with.”
We have so much in common. I, too, spoke to one of my wives this morning.
Uncanny! About my visit?
Yes, I consulted a woman about a matter of international diplomacy.
…
…
BWA HA! HA! HA! HA!
Seriously, Barack, your woman has a lot of– how do you say– spunk.
Yes, Michelle is a spirited woman.
In my country, we’ve found it is more…difficult…to be spirited when your tongue is in a jar of formaldehyde on the bureau. But that’s a topic for our next meeting.
I look forward to it, Mahmoud.
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I was going to post a comment about this as if I had read it in the future but then I realized…in that future posting a clever witty and sarcastic comment about this exchange would likely place me in a single celled prison where I would be subjected to daily “clockwork orange-like” techniques designed to teach me never to speak out against the Obamamessiah so in the off chance that this post is re-played in the future I will simply say: “Well put O’ masterful one.”
I await, with “noxious crowbait(ed)” breath, the details of “No Cranium Left Unstoned”. Can you steal a draft the next time you venture into future?
“Putrid spindleshanks”? You guys are too much.
Murphy, I believe you’ve just created a glitch in space-time continuum. There could be significant fallout.
I will worship the ground you walk on until November 4, 2008. No. Wait. I can do it until January 20, 2009. Hurray!
Color me eager to learn.
You have the unmitigated gall to say this about the first really well-spoken (ht: Biden) black guy to come along since MLK?
Why don’t you just throw his grandmother under the bus and be done with it??!!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: There is one other small matter I would like to discuss with you.
President Barack Obama: A thousand pardons effendi. What is it?
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: It’s your Spiritual leader Jeremiah Wright. Although, I enjoy his “God damn America” rants but shouldn’t that be “Allah damn the Great Satin?” or “Allah will fry the Great Satin on Atomic Coals of Fire?”
President Barack Obama: Hum, that could have some negative repercussion with those Bitter White People who cling to their religion and guns – but, I am sure it can be worked out.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Speaking of religion, I notice that Rev. Jeremiah Wright is head of the Trinity United Church of Christ. Is not that a church of Unbelievers? Should he immediately convert to Islam?
President Barack Obama: Good point Mahmoud! I’ll get right on Wright. Some “Change” is in order.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Great! I’ll send my best clerics to convert him with the latest eye plucking methods should Allah’s helpers need it. And, may I also send my favorite construction crane to string up his wife and daughters on the White House Lawn. It makes such an impression on those stinking female Christians.
President Barack Obama: You got it. Anything else…
Funny post, I could see that meeting going “something” like that.
Law of Politics