Comrade:

This is a simple test we use at The New York Times to ensure that our employees reflect a variety of social, political, and economic beliefs. Please read each question thoroughly, and then select your answer with a number 2 pencil. When you complete the exam, please place it in the box marked “Politburo” at the front of the room.

Remember, there are no wrong answers (except on questions 2,5,7,8,13 and 17).

If at any time you feel that you are being pressured in absentia by George Bush and his cronies, please notify a test monitor immediately.

1. Which of the following statements best describes your political leanings:

a. I consider myself a far more progressive Nancy Pelosi.

b. Bush lied, people died!

c. I have George Soros on speed dial.

d. I feel Stalin never really took it to that “next level.”

2. Complete the following: “Bush is to Hitler as…”

a. Jeffrey Dahmer is to Clay Aiken.

b. A serial rapist is to a benign snuggler.

c. Full-blown AIDS is to a hangnail.

d. A skyscraper is to Lincoln Logs.

3. The War in Iraq can best be described as:

a. An unmitigated disaster. And illegal.

b. The Mesopotamian Vietnam. And illegal.

c. Illegal. And Illegal.

d. Started by Bush on a dare from one of his “Skull & Bones” buddies after a week-long cocaine bender. And illegal.

4. You are a reporter in the field in Iraq. You come across a scene where you witness members of the resistance movement detonate an empty building, scatter teddy bears and children’s toys throughout the rubble, and douse the entire scene with goats’ blood. After a brief make-up session, they begin to wail at the sky while holding an unexploded shell casing that has “Infudell Xplosifs” written on the side in crayon. What do you do?

a. There are teddy bears in the rubble for goodness sake! I must set aside my training as an unbiased newsman and help dig the children out, although they were probably evaporated by the force of the blast.

b. Report the American soldiers’ war crimes to the proper authorities. In this case, the AP would have jurisdiction.

c. Apologize profusely for America’s punitive foreign policies that have forced these noble freedom fighters into such desperate measures, and then help to burn George Bush in effigy.

d. Immediately remove my Che Guevera t-shirt and replace it with an Osama bin Laden one to demonstrate my unity with the cause.

5. Why are conservatives so stupid?

a. Because if they were brilliant, they would then be called “liberals.”

b. Studies show that over time, repeatedly running over spotted owls in an SUV and then drinking their blood from your personalized “frat mug” can lower IQ’s by nearly 65%.

c. That is a patently unfair statement. It is not right to stereotype an entire ideology like that. I am deeply offended… almost had you! Actually, I think it’s because of lead exposure from their weekly oil baths.

d. Why is Rosie O’Donnell so reasonable? Why does Bush hate black people? I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.

6. Why do you think the victim in the Duke lacrosse case changed her story and lied for her white rapists?

a. Have you ever been cornered in an alley by ten college boys in full lacrosse gear?

b. Bush’s hit squad got to her.

c. Stockholm Syndrome.

d. It’s due to her low self-esteem resulting from Bush’s failed economic policies, which in turn forced her to earn her living as an exotic dancer.

7. Why is Europe so much better than America?

a. Because they drink espresso.

b. Because they do that cool thing with their pinkies when they drink their espresso.

c. Because they do that cool thing with their pinkies when they drink their espresso in chic little cafes with their legs crossed while exhorting mobs of disenfranchised Muslim youth to stand up against the evils of their intolerant Western oppressors.

d. Because they recognized the genius of Hasselhoff and Jerry Lewis when the Cro-Magnonesque American public could not.

8. Which best describes your feelings on abortion?

a. Hey, you have a bad tooth, you get it pulled. What’s the difference?

b. Abortion is necessary because condoms prevent mind-blowing orgasms.

c. The partial-birth abortion is the best of both worlds: it lets the mom see her baby briefly before it is brained.

d. Why the abortion option stops at birth is beyond me.

9. What do you see in this image?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a. Sanctified ovaries recently purged of a fetal infestation.

b. George Bush raping a baby harp seal while Ann Coulter holds it down and Karl Rove plays the harmonica.

c. A prenatal Che Guevera t-shirt.

d. The baby harp seal receiving a partial birth abortion.

10. Karl Rove leaves Washington DC in an over-sized, gas guzzling SUV traveling west at 1:30pm EST. Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld departs from San Francisco heading east in a fully armed Blackhawk helicopter that receives even more dreadful gas mileage at 2:25pm PST. Assuming there is a 15 mph wind blowing north to east, where will they meet up to plot the rape and destruction of yet another defenseless Third World country populated entirely by brown-skinned people?

a. This is a trick question. Rumsfeld was declared illegal in San Francisco back in 2002. The only remaining gun in that town has been kept in order to shoot him on sight if he ever attempts to return.

b. This is a trick question. Karl Rove is not a real person. He was invented by the right in order to strike fear into the hearts of liberals. Sort of like the Werewolf, Jesus Christ, and the Dread Pirate Roberts.

c. This is a trick question. There is no way to know where or even if they would meet up, since Rove’s SUV driver would clearly be operating under orders to run over any Mexicans, African-Americans, homosexuals, and Muslims on the way, thus causing innumerable stops. And Rumsfeld’s Blackhawk would be diverted to gun down spotted owl sanctuaries a minimum of several dozen times.

d . I hope Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld get gang-raped by a pack of Cape Buffaloes with elephantitus of the genitalia, while Susan Estrich sings an a cappella version of “Camptown Races” from atop the horns of the dominant male.

 

 

11. Your flight from San Francisco to New York is diverted due to the scaremongering tactics of the neo-con pilot who was concerned about the behavior of four Middle Eastern students in the back of the plane. These culturally-equal individuals were merely sanitizing their box cutters with a Bic lighter in preparation for an emergency cliterectomy they were set to perform on a whorish flight attendant who had offended their religious sensibilities by showing too much ankle. Your flight is forced to land in a red state. What do you do?

a. After soothing the wounds of the four Middle Eastern students with your All Things Are Possible Through Allah speech, you report the pilot’s completely unjustified, Islamophobic actions to the proper authorities. In this instance, CAIR has jurisdiction.

b. Consider the possibility that the plane slipped through a rip in the time-space continuum, and you are now in a neo-con parallel universe called “Ocla-home-a.”

c. After consulting your Red State Survival Guide, you immediately purchase a flannel shirt, put in a chaw of tobacco, tongue kiss your sister, and hold your hand over an open flame until your fingers become webbed, in order to blend in with the natives.

d. Reach into your carry-on and pull out your unabridged copy of The Complete Chomsky Companion, and ask the passenger in the next seat to beat you to death with it.

12. You are at your desk and you receive a call from one of the top U.S. commanders in Iraq with an exclusive story he wants to give to you, and only you. He claims he has irrefutable evidence (backed by video, extensive documentation, and eyewitness accounts from a wide variety of sources), that Al Qaeda in Iraq are being routed and the tide has turned strongly in favor of America and her allies. How do you handle the situation?

a. You say, “BEEP. You’ve reached the Compulsive Liar Hotline. All of our operators are currently busy assisting other neo-con warmongers.”

b. Ask him for his name to see if it would rhyme well with anything for the next discounted Moveon.org ad.

c. You say, “Nice try Mr. Rove, but I’d know that piercing, bloodthirsty voice anywhere.”

d. You respond to every single thing he says with, “I know you are, but what am I?” until he hangs up.

13. True or Not False: As a boy, Ronald Reagan shaved baby squirrels with a rusty straight razor and then Super-Glued them to the holster of his six-shooter for decorative purposes.

a . True

b. Not False

14. True or Not False: “Cheney” is an old Cherokee word that literally translated means “he who slaughters innocents, while his daughter munches squaw-wampum.”

a. True

b. Not False

 

15. Every time a civilian is killed in Iraq…

a. Their face is tattooed to George Bush’s back, under the heading “Don’t mess with Texas.”

b. Dick Cheney’s loins stir.

c. A lock of their hair is added to Donald Rumsfeld’s commemorative “Dead Iraqi” pillow.

d. A dead Republican gets his wings.

16. On your way to Starbucks, you witness what some less enlightened people might call “rape.” You, however, see the scene for what it is: a slightly under-documented immigrant who, exhausted by a full day of picking peaches for the man, has accidentally tripped, lost his pants, and is falling repeatedly into the orifice of a woman whose hair accidentally became entangled in his hand in the supermarket parking lot. What action do you take?

a. Tout the benefits of your short hair-do to the woman as the noble immigrant tries to extricate himself

b. Run back to the supermarket to purchase some detangling hair spray.

c. Ask the woman if she has better things to do than keep an exhausted field hand from his family with her Medusa-like hair and treacherous girl-parts.

d. In a spontaneous moment of camaraderie and respect, lick the dirty peach juice off the back of Jose while singing “La Cucuracha.”

 

17. Complete the following sentence: The drunk, trench-coat clad Catholic priest lured the young boy with promises of ____________.

a) Jolly Ranchers.

b) A limited edition “Mecha John the Baptist” card with 1,000 extra hit points from the Pokegod collection.

c) A “Get Out of Hell Free” card.

d) A very special “Sit and Spin” ride.

18. If George Bush has the heads of six Iraqi children, and trades two to Paul Wolfowitz in exchange for three kitten heads, what is the proportionate value of an Iraqi child to an American kitten on the Neo-Con Severed Head Exchange (NCSHE)? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

19. What does G. Gordon Liddy put on his cereal in the morning?

a. Ashes of ACLU lawyers.

b. Gunpowder.

c. Thin slices of spleen from a baby albino rhinoceros.

d. All of the above

20. Given the following information, select the best lead-in for your column today.

“It is a sunny, slightly breezy Tuesday.”

a. Leading scientists say that a series of Category 5 hurricanes are set to demolish upwards of 75% of U.S. port cities within the month. One meteorological expert noted that this looming catastrophe is directly linked to President Bush’s failure to ratify the Kyoto Treaty.

b. While many Americans bask in the unseasonably warm temperatures, poverty-stricken citizens in coastal communities work day and night sandbagging their homes against a rising ocean fed by glacier melt.

c. Lured by the promise of a better life, a dozen document-challenged Mexicans roasted to death under a hot sun in Southern Texas after getting trapped in a sandstorm generated by today’s breezy conditions.

d. American imperialism appears to be at its apex on this sunny, slightly breezy Tuesday.

____________________

Don’t forget to visit the TNOYF store soon, before Cafe Press rejects all the Islamic Rage Boy gear due to “political sensitivities.”

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