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Retro Nose: The New Pocket Casualty Counter From The Associated Press
An Exclusive TNOYF advertisement….
Are you freakishly obsessed with the daily casualty count in Iraq? Do you find yourself disappointed when a day or two goes by and no American soldiers die? Have you ever been at a cocktail party and said, “How can we be so damn jovial when George Bush is responsible for a death toll in Iraq that is approaching one-tenth the total of British dead in the Second Boer War?”
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need the new Associated Press Pocket Iraq Casualty Counter! Now the information you need to make bizarre, extraneous points about the Iraqi War is at your fingertips, 24 hours a day! The Pocket Casualty Counter uses satellite technology to wirelessly provide instant updates on casualties, as they happen. And the Pocket Casualty Counter links the death toll with a historical database to provide you with the factual ammunition you need to battle those crazy neo-cons, on the go! So you’ll be able to say, “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but George Bush has now murdered 10 times the number of people who are eaten alive in an average decade by the Spotted Siberian Tiger.” Imagine the look of shock on their Christian fundamentalist faces!
Still not convinced? What if we told you the Pocket Casualty Counter can be personally customized, so the latest information can be delivered by your favorite anti-war celebrity? That’s right! Who better to tell you that a U.S. soldier has died than Cindy Sheehan? Or Michael Moore? Imagine the dulcet tones of John Kerry echoing from your pocket against a funeral dirge. You’ll be the envy of everyone at Starbucks!
But wait, there’s more! Act now, and we’ll include a free software upgrade to get real-time WOUNDED statistics as well. And since the Pocket Casualty Counter counts SAD and SLEEPING soldiers as WOUNDED, you’ll get the robust numbers you need to make killer anti-war points that will leave your opponents speechless!
How can this get any better? Order in the next 30 minutes, and we’ll send you, free of charge, the AP Abacus of Dead Iraqi Civilians. Now you can count the murdered innocents of Iraq like an old Babylonian, wailing and crying as you slide the beads of death!
So that’s the Pocket Casualty Counter, the free WOUNDED software upgrade, and the AP Abacus of Dead Iraqi Civilians! And you can have it all for just $199.99! But you must act now! Sympathetic operators with multiple piercings are standing by! CALL NOW!
- Retro-Nose: The Iraq Pocket Casualty Counter From The Associated Press!
- Retro-Nose: The New Pocket Casualty Counter From The Associated Press!
- The New Pocket Casualty Counter From The Associated Press!
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I’m old enough to have taked to people here in the UK who were involved in WW2 before their memories went. And they all of it as if it was the best time of their lives; “oh yeah, down in the bomb shelters we used to have such a laugh,” so maybe we need wars sometimes to unite us.
A wonderful idea, but it doesn’t go far enough. The counter should also report how much the war has cost us so far. Lefties love to toss around these numbers: “The war costs 2$billion a day,” “Ten million an hour!” Who’s to dispute them? I need to have these figures at hand instantaneously!
Also, in the best tradition of television advertising, it should cost only five payments of $29.99 and if you act NOW you receive a potato peeler as well!
Ian,
I agree with you and hit the nail on the head; we do need wars sometimes to unite us. However, we should all unite against the Bilderberg’s who control the world including China, the Middle East, the EU, and the US.
Their aim is to reduce the population to around 500 million. The US patriots thought they were free from operative tyranny…but its coming back, you can see its ugly head rising up out of the ashes in the North American Union.
Once again and because of the 2nd Amendment, all Patriots here in the USA will need to answer the call to arms someday. Watch the United Nations will try to take our guns away but they will fail. Remember, the revolutionary American, fighting the Kings Armies developed guerrilla warfare.