Not content to rest after her star-turn as American diplomat extraordinaire, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi returned from Syria and announced that she will immediately begin negotiations that will end the decades-old feud between Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner.

“I don’t understand what all the fuss is about,” said Pelosi. “People said peace would never come to the Mideast, and now, after three days of the Pelosi magic, the Israelis and Syrians are practically spooning each other. So imagine what I can do for a couple of angry cartoon characters.”

Pelosi said she has already engaged in preliminary talks with both parties.

“Mr. Runner told me that he was ready to talk peace with Mr. Coyote, unconditionally,” said the House Speaker. “Well, there might have been some conditions, but who really cares? As I learned in the Mideast, details are the problem. Everybody wants to bicker about history, when what you really need is some good, old-fashioned cultural groveling.”

Pelosi said that Wile E. Coyote had several demands, but did not feel they would slow down progress.

“Mr. Coyote has made three requests that are quite reasonable in my opinion. First, he would like to be compensated to the tune of $3.7 million for defensive fortifications purchased from the ACME Corporation, required to protect the Coyote family from the relentless attacks of The Road Runner. Second, he asks for ‘right of return’ to the Looney Tunes desert for all cartoon coyotes and the Tazmanian Devil. And finally, he wants to kill and eat Mr. Runner.”

Pelosi said that while the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote are still “not quite seeing eye to eye” with regard to Mr. Coyote’s third demand, she does not feel that it will be a deal breaker.

“Mr. Runner needs to get with the program,” she said.

Once she’s finished, the “long-simmering blood feud between penicillin and syphilis” is next on the Speaker’s agenda, according to Pelosi spokesman Mark Filmore.

“Speaker Pelosi feels that, although mildly provoked by it’s bacterial adversary, penicillin’s violent, destructive response has been way out of proportion to the situation. However, we remain confident that she will be able to hammer out a compromise in short order.”

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