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Individual Who Created New Toy Packaging System Must Go
Editorial by Buckley F. Williams
Many of you out there have started the New Year with a litany of resolutions. Some will resolve to eat right and hit the gym in an effort to lose a few pounds. Others will attempt to spend more time with loved ones. Others still will simply try to be better people.
Worthy goals all. However, I will not be shooting for any of these things. My New Year’s resolution is quite simple; I vow to track down and bring to justice the person who came up with the new packaging system for toys.
If you are not a parent or a dues paying NAMBLA member, you may not be familiar with this new system. Here is how it works. The outer shell of the toy is protected by a NASA-approved, high-tech polymer that’s only other use is for windows on the space shuttle and in South Central Los Angeles 24-hour convenience stores. Once inside, you are greeted by 3/4 inch stainless steel bread ties which are spaced at regular intervals to secure the toy in place. Do not attempt to cut these with scissors, go straight for a hacksaw. If you are fortunate enough to get past these, you still have the guard dogs and electrified razor wire to contend with.
On Christmas morning I opened up some plastic soldiers for my son to find a scene that would make even the most hardened coroner flinch. I opened up a new doll for my daughter only to discover that it looked like the lead actor in a John Mark Carr snuff film.
Who exactly decided that children’s toys should be more secure than our southern border? While Saddam Hussein has just been hanged for “crimes against humanity”, the real criminal is still out there. The person who created this toy-security monstrosity has stolen hours of my life and forced me to scream words in front of my young children that I did not learn until well into high school.
Mark my words, this malevolent soul will be brought to justice.
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As an avid toy collector (read: nerd) and writer of the toy blog http://www.toybender.com, I feel the same way as I’ve opened many of an insanely packaged toy. In my opinion, the main problem with toys being packaged like this are two fold. 1. There are a lot of collectors that don’t take their toys out of the package. The objects inside are posed elaborately in window boxes so a collector can display these things. 2. Toys in window boxes are more attractive to anyone thinking about buying them than a plain old cardboard box that has a simple picture on the outside. So we all have to suffer untwisting millions of dumb twist ties and tugging figures out of plastic prisons.
Renditioning that sucker to Guantanamo (for endless viewings of The Brady Bunch) is surely in the National Interest.