Guest Editorial-

  Oswald W. Gobblewitz

I am writing this article with the hope that I can still reach some of you before you make a grave mistake. I am a blunt bird so I will get right to the point. You are putting your life, and the lives of others, in grave danger if you eat turkey today.

I know what you are thinking, “Hey Oswald, you are a turkey. You’re just trying to save yourself.” That is in fact partially true. We turkeys are known to have a sense of self preservation one hundred and twenty times more powerful than that of the average liberal. But there is more.

Are you aware of the recent findings that indicate that turkey meat causes AIDS? I do not always agree with fringe groups such as PETA, but in this instance they are spot-on.  Did you know that before committing some of the most heinous acts in human history, the perpetrators often ate turkey first? The Killing Fields? Pol Pot ate turkey on rye regularly. Pearl Harbor? Japanese pilots famously brought turkey nuggets with sweet and sour sauce on board their planes. Gigli? Affleck demanded a refrigerator stocked with turkey burgers for his trailer.

On top of all those things after eating turkey you will inevitably fall asleep (in your own personal cloud of turkey-induced gaseousness) by the third quarter of the Cowboys game and miss the ending.

“But Oswald, if we can’t have turkey what will we serve our guests?” Ham, and I will tell you why. Ham is an often overlooked but highly versatile holiday meat. It is delicious and highly nutritious. Did you know that just one bite of ham contains the recommended daily allowance of every essential vitamin and mineral? Every bite after the first one is icing on the cake.

Throughout history ham has been known to cure leprosy, ward off evil spirits and even protect your inner ear from the sound of Susan Estrich’s voice.

This Thanksgiving, catch the end of the big game. Prevent mass murder. Eat ham.

Editor’s Note: Swan meat also has it’s merits, if cooked slowly at high temperatures over either a burning American flag or a flame-engulfed George W. Bush effigy.

Related posts 

1. All-time Best Fake Thanksgiving Quotes
2. Retro-Nose: All-time Best Fake Thanksgiving Quotes
3. Ike Turner Dissects Australian Sheikh’s “Cat Meat” Statements
4. UN Votes to Make Turkey an Imaginary Country until Armenian Genocide is Recognized
5. Couric, Elmo Have The Right Fluff