Announcer: “And Fox is back with our around-the-clock coverage of the Minneapolis Bridge Tragedy. We join Shepherd Smith and special guest Laura Ingraham in our New York studios.”

Shepherd Smith: “It’s been over a week since a pathetic, man-made structure spanning a rabid, raging, shark-filled waterway betrayed its innocent crossers and created a calamity of epic proportions, a tragedy so profound that words fail me. Oh, the humanity. Laura, I need a moment.”

Laura Ingraham: “Yes you do, Shep. Maybe we should go to Greta in the helicopter. It would give you time to… uh, get yourself together.”

Greta Van Susteren: “Did someone say ‘Greta’?”

Shepherd Smith: “Yes, Greta. How are you holding up?”

Greta Van Susteren: “All things considered, I’m OK, Shep. The emails from my fans help. Particularly the ones that talk about my commitment and valor. The ones that ask about the frozen part of my face are less inspiring.”

Laura Ingraham: “Yeah. What is up with that?”

Shepherd Smith: “Ignore her, Greta. But you might want to dab your lip, you’ve got a bit of leakage. So tell us, what is the latest from the mourning heartland?”

Greta Van Susteren: “Well, Shep, as I survey the devastation from the helicopter, I’m reminded of Dante’s Inferno- WAIT! Do you see that?”

Shepherd Smith: “What, Greta? Is it a puppy drowning?”

Greta Van Susteren: “I’m certain there are puppies drowning down there, Shep, but this is worse. I see a person, likely one of the thousands missing, and they…he……my god…it’s alive.”

Shepherd Smith: “Merciful Mary, Mother Of God, pray for us.”

Laura Ingraham: “Easy, Shep, maybe it’s a rock.”

Greta Van Susteren: “Shep, you promised you would control her.”

Shepherd Smith: “I’m paralyzed by grief, Greta.”

Greta Van Susteren: “No matter, Shep-ster. I’m going in for the rescue. Pilot, MACH SCHNELL! MACH SCHNELL!”

Laura Ingraham: “My God, she’s channeling Eva Braun.”

Shepherd Smith: “Greta, we just did a quick online Fox instant poll, and only 35% of the respondents think it’s a person in need of saving. 50% think it’s a rock, and 15% believe it’s a drowning puppy.”

Greta Van Susteren: “We’re getting closer…it is a person! A SURVIVOR, over a week later! It’s unimaginable! How on God’s green earth did he survive? Who is this man of valor?”

Helicopter Pilot: “It’s a rescue worker.”

Greta Van Susteren: “What could possibly make you think that?”

Helicopter Pilot: “Uh, the orange bib that says ‘Rescue’”.

Greta Van Susteren: “He’s waving to us for help! Shep, can you guys see this in New York?”

Shepherd Smith: “We can, Greta. What a poignant picture of humanity struggling against the unpredictability of nature. I– I will not cry.”

Laura Ingraham: “10 bucks says you do, Shep. Um, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure he’s waving you off, Greta. The wind from the helicopter is interfering with his work.”

Greta Van Susteren: “Do we have any rope?”

Helicopter Pilot: “Yes, but I’m saving it to hang myself later.”

Shepherd Smith: “Greta, you need to change course. We just learned that there is a breaking development in the Utah Mining Disaster. It seems that one of the missing miners once had a dream that he was late for a college exam.”

Greta Van Susteren: “NO! What course?”

Shepherd Smith: “Renaissance Literature.”

Greta Van Susteren: “PILOT! TO UTAH! MACH SCHNELL! MACH SCHNELL!”

Death Plunge 2007 Part I 

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