Four town employees with 46 years of service and fourteen alleged lesbian experiences between them have been fired, in part for gossiping and discussing rumors of an improper relationship between the town administrator and another employee. The other part of the reason for their firing is unclear, but evidently involves a car battery, some unidentified bodily fluids, and one of the women’s cats.

Many residents in the town, most of whom are suspected of massive in-breeding that has resulted in an abundance of shuffling, hump-backed children, now believe that the rumors are not true.

The administrator, who purportedly once had a gambling problem that ended his marriage to his first cousin, complained, and after an investigation the town council fired the women, finding, “Gossip, whispering, and an unfriendly environment are causing poor morale and interfering with the efficient performance of town business.” They also inadvertently found that the women collectively weighed the same as a Sri Lankan grey elephant.

“When I was given my termination papers, I just looked at the gentlemen that were present in the room, two of whom I’m sure are gay lovers, and I said, ‘You’ve got to be kidding!’” said fired worker Sandy Piper, who insisted her comments weren’t out of line, and that she does not fashion miniature gargoyles out of her own feces. “We discussed it on a lunch break, and then it ended.”

“It kind of sort of was, ‘Oh did you hear that too,’” said Michelle Bonsteel, Piper’s fired co-worker who is, according to most reliable reports, still saving herself for Jeff Archer, who moved out of town in 1983 after his collection of monkey pornography was discovered by his Uncle Lester.

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