Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

Although I am not a Muslim, I feel a certain kinship with you and your struggle. I too have been oppressed by the vast right wing conspiracy. I live in San Francisco and find it far too conservative for my liking. Why just the other day, I saw a car with a “Bush/Cheney” bumper sticker on it! After slicing the tires and sacrificing a lamb on the console, I painted a “Peace” symbol over the offending sticker. I hope this teaches those fascists a lesson about tolerance. I can’t take living in this hotbed of Rethuglican activity any longer. Are there any places out there that would better suit my needs?

Fed Up With Bay Area Neocons

Dear Fed Up,

I must confess, you have me stumped. When the dog days of jihad get me down, or when I have a hankering to mingle with those who truly understand the vile acts perpetrated by the Great Satan, I hop the first flight out of Fallujah and head right for your town. Once I get past the whole “gay” thing, I truly feel at home. Perhaps you are just experiencing a severe bout of the-grass-is-always-greener-itis? Oftentimes we do not appreciate what we have until it is gone.

Also, you sound a bit depressed to me. Are you having suicidal thoughts? Do you currently have a plan to kill yourself? In your present state, I am concerned that you may do something rash like killing only yourself. Remember “suicide bomber” is just an expression (one that I have spent countless hours lobbying to change), it does not mean that only you should die. Please seek out a professional regarding your condition. Either your local CAIR chapter or the San Francisco School Board will be able to provide you with the proper guidance.

There are so many opportunities for enjoyment and self-improvement in San Fran. Try this, pick up a copy of The New Caliphate Quarterly (available anywhere fine halal products are sold) head down to the beach and just relax. Or you can join your town supervisor in his noble quest to rid the airwaves of that infernal infidel radio host; the aptly named “Michael Savage.” Were my religion not a peaceful one I would call for a most severe reprisal against this fiend, rather than the customary, albeit benign, beheading and ocular torture. Count yourself lucky Savage.

Good luck with your situation and please keep me informed as to your progress.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

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