Found at Rachel Lucas, whom, I’m proud to report, would suffer defeat at the hands of 2 less 5-year olds than me. The difference-maker, I suspect, was our answer to this question:

During the fight, would you feel morally comfortable picking up a child and using him/her as a weapon to throw at other children?

Since I have twins, I have experience using one child to pummel another.

Curious to see how many Buckley can take. I’m guessing it’s a draw. In fact, I think the 5 year-olds should be taking the “How many Buckley F. Williams can you take in a fight?” survey.

22

297 votes have been tallied, and “Asterisk Says It Wants No Part Of Bonds Record, Suggests Question Mark Step Up For Once” is the readers choice TNOYF post of the year.  Look for it in Jon Swift’s year-end round-up, which will be up soon.

Merry Christmas to all.

Jon Swift, the excellent satirist, has asked us to submit TNOYF’s best post of 2007 for inclusion in an end of the year round-up. We thought it would make sense to open this up to voting.

We’ve picked the following five posts for your consideration, or you can write-in your own choice. Voting ends December 24. Vote often. Write-ins about our mothers, lack of phallic endowment, or Buckley’s nagging bed-wetting will be rejected, unless they are funny in which case we will plagiarize them.

The New York Times Employee Entrance Exam

Washington Post Discusses OPUS Cartoon With Emotional Muslim Staffers

Elizabeth Edwards Discusses New Ailment With Chris Matthews

Islamic Rage Boy Live At The Sheraton Tel-Aviv

Asterisk Says It Wants No Part Of Bonds’ Record, Says Question Mark Should ‘Step Up’

Larry Erb, a full-time college student and seasonal lentil vendor, claims that he discovered the face of Al Gore on a potato chip while attending a Dave Matthews concert with his girlfriend, Willow.

“About half way through the show I reached down into my bag of Lays, pulled out a chip, and there he was,” said the University of Vermont intramural ultimate frisbee competitor. “Al-freakin’- Gore! The prophet himself! I was like, WHOA! I shook my head really hard cause I thought I was seeing things, but when I looked back, there he was again, looking at me in that Al Gore way. I think he was looking into my soul, man.”

Erb said that despite the loud music, he had a lengthy conversation with the potato chip, which he said went as follows:

Gore-Chip: “Larry, I’m Al Gore.”

Larry: “No duh, dude! What are you doin’ on my sour cream and onion chip?”

Gore-Chip: “Larry, I need your help. The planet is getting hotter by the minute. Did you see my movie?”

Larry: “Uh, yeah. Fahrenheit 9-11, right?”

Gore-Chip: “No, Larry, that was Michael Moore. He’s…slightly fatter than I am. I know you’re baked out of your mind, but please focus.”

Larry: “HEY WILLOW! CHECK IT OUT! AL GORE IS ON MY CHIP! AND HE TALKS!”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY! SHUSH! You can’t let Willow know about me.”

Larry: “Aw, sorry, dude.”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY, PLEASE. I AM A SERIOUS MAN WITH A SERIOUS MESSAGE.”

Larry: “OK, dude. You’re getting all red in the face and it looks really creepy. Is that sweat? Way gross.”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY! ENOUGH! Listen to me. You know about carbon footprints, right?”

Larry: “Uh-”

Gore-chip: “It doesn’t matter. Larry, we need to not only reduce our carbon footprints, we need to reduce the number of carbon footprints.”

Larry: “I’m not following you, man.”

Gore-Chip: “Shocker. Larry, we have to make sacrifices if we are going to save mother Earth. And by ‘we’, I mean you and your ilk. Would you agree?”

Larry: “True that. That’s why me and Willow have been recycling bong water.”

Gore-Chip: “And clearly skipping showers.”

Larry: “SO RIGHT! How’d you know?”

Gore-Chip: “FOCUS, Larry! I need you to make a sacrifice.”

Larry: “Say the word, Weird Al Potato Chip!”

Gore-Chip: “You need to eliminate Willow’s carbon footprint.”

Larry: “Uh, how do I do that?”

Gore-Chip: “You need to kill her. For Mother Earth.”

Larry: “HUH? Willow? I can’t kill the Will-ster, dude.”

Gore-Chip: “Mother Earth, Larry. The very fate of mankind. And you’re worried about some half-baked sprite who makes pottery?”

Larry: “She’s a ceramic engineer, Mr. Gore. And you are a potato chip. Yum.”

Erb claims that he then ate the potato chip, but sat with TNOYF’s sketch artist to draw the rendering seen here.

9. Convinced Steven Seagal he can act.

8. Says he was the one who recommended Rosie O’Donnell for The View.

7. Provided financing for Glitter.

6. Told Magic Johnson in the early 1980’s, “Condoms? Naw, you’re straight man. Those girls seem clean.”

5. Convinced General Custer that his small unit had nothing to fear at Little Bighorn since, in his words, “Indians are nothing more than sweeter-smelling, less-feathered, Frenchmen.”

4. Claims that regarding the evening of October 23rd, 1993, he did have fun that night, but did not in fact Wang Chung that night.

3. Told Susan Estrich, “Shrill? No way! If anything the world needs more, not less, of that smooth, comforting voice.”

2. Convinced Eddie Murphy comedy “is yesterday’s news”, and that singing was the true way to showcase his talents.

1. Gave a nervous Steve Irwin a last minute pep-talk where he uttered the fateful words, “C’mon bro. Don’t be such a pussy. It’s just a stingray. It’s not like they could puncture your heart with that 10-inch barb on it’s tail or something like that.”

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is scheduled to speak to the influential pro-Israel group, the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) this coming Monday as part of her ongoing presidential campaign.

A Clinton spokeswoman pointed out the significance of this particular speech.

“Senator Clinton is very much looking forward to reconnecting with her people,” said Eileen Dolance. “Not only that, this meeting comes just before the most holy of Jewish holidays- Yom Hashannakka.

As you well know, Yom Hashannakka is very important to Senator Clinton and all other Jews as it commemorates how God freed the Israelites from the Egyptians by having them staple frogs to their Christmas trees as He drowned the oppressors in Lake Minnetonka while the kids played with bloody dreidels and ate unleavened Twinkies. Senator Clinton is very religious.”

The former First Lady herself talked warmly of her Jewish upbringing.

“It seems like only yesterday that my Bubby was whipping up homemade potato pancakes with real maple syrup for me,” she recalled. “And I fondly remember my Hebrew classes with Father Flanagan. Of course, all of the memories aren’t terrific, I’m still smarting about that whole incident with my bris, but it’s the great Jewish traditions that matter.”

In the past Mrs. Clinton has been accused of shamelessly pandering to special interest groups, a charge she calls “mishegas.”

Samuel Oscar Gonzalez, an off-duty Northwest Airlines baggage handler, was arrested earlier this week after he ejaculated on a woman’s back during a red-eye flight from Seattle to Minneapolis.

TNOYF did some digging around and were able to uncover some of Mr. Gonzalez’s favorite airplane pick-up lines.

9. Psst. Are you sleeping? Yes? Mind if I ejaculate on your back?

8. Psst. Are you sleeping? No? Mind if I ejaculate on your back?

7. Roses are red, violets are blue, is it cool if I cover your back with my warm man-spew?

6. I seem to have lost my phone number, can I ejaculate on your back?

5. Was your father a thief? Because baby, someone stole two stars from the sky and put them where your eyes should be. Can I ejaculate on your back?

4. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this… without ejaculate on your back?

3. Don’t I know you from somewhere? No? Can I still ejaculate on your back?

2. I know milk does a body good, but damn… wait til you start reaping the health benefits of my ejaculate on your back.

1. Oh-oh-oh-oh-ahhhhhh.

H/T Sondra K.

 While much of Upstate New York continues to dig out from record snowfalls that are being measured in feet rather than inches, residents are taking solace in the fact that their plight is now receiving proper national attention.

The arrival of disaster relief expert “Heineken Looter Guy” late Thursday afternoon gave hope to many that assistance would soon be on the way. Since his exceptional work in New Orleans in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, HLG has become the standard by which all potential disasters are now measured.

“We tried using all sorts of formulas and fancy devices to try and determine when an event goes from an issue of great concern to a full-blown natural disaster,” said FEMA spokeswoman Noreen Sanderson. “Nothing worked consistently. For my money, the presence of Heineken Looter Guy is the single best determinant of whether or not a weather event is in fact a catastrophe.”
Many local residents echo Sanderson’s sentiments.

“I’d been trying to contact various agencies to tell them of our plight, but no one would listen,” said Parish, New York resident Steven Dwyer. “I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved I was to see Heineken Looter Guy. One minute I’m shoveling twelve feet of snow out of my driveway, the next I’m booking a room for an all expense paid cruise to the Caribbean on the government’s nickel. Thanks for the love Heineken Looter Guy!”

Make sure to tune in to The Buckley & Potfry Experiment this and every Saturday morning from 8-10 a.m. EST on Wide Awakes Radio.

As always, we will be covering the latest news in politics, culture, sports and entertainment and if we feel this news is not interesting enough for our listeners, we will make up even better news. That is our promise to you.

This Saturday we have an interview scheduled with former planet Pluto, and we will also be checking in with our global news correspondent Michael Fotopolous.