9. Convinced Steven Seagal he can act.

8. Says he was the one who recommended Rosie O’Donnell for The View.

7. Provided financing for Glitter.

6. Told Magic Johnson in the early 1980’s, “Condoms? Naw, you’re straight man. Those girls seem clean.”

5. Convinced General Custer that his small unit had nothing to fear at Little Bighorn since, in his words, “Indians are nothing more than sweeter-smelling, less-feathered, Frenchmen.”

4. Claims that regarding the evening of October 23rd, 1993, he did have fun that night, but did not in fact Wang Chung that night.

3. Told Susan Estrich, “Shrill? No way! If anything the world needs more, not less, of that smooth, comforting voice.”

2. Convinced Eddie Murphy comedy “is yesterday’s news”, and that singing was the true way to showcase his talents.

1. Gave a nervous Steve Irwin a last minute pep-talk where he uttered the fateful words, “C’mon bro. Don’t be such a pussy. It’s just a stingray. It’s not like they could puncture your heart with that 10-inch barb on it’s tail or something like that.”

Earlier today the White House released some of the details of the controversial new relief package to North Korea. The aid, dubbed “Project 2111″, will come primarily in the form of peanut butter and is expected to make an immediate impact on the North Koreans.
“Peanut butter, while far from being the cure-all that is Nutella, is in fact high in protein and unquestionably tasty,” said UN spokesman Hans Guilliame. “Even better, no animals were killed to make it. I am most pleasantly surprised by the American’s decision. Perhaps they are ready to join the world community after all.”

In the past, there have been concerns that humanitarian assistance to North Korea has been co-opted and used by the government and the military, rather than being distributed to the general population. However, even the most ardent critics of the plan appear willing to take this chance.
“Sure, there have been instances where aid has been misappropriated,” said one Republican senator. “What are you gonna do? It happens. The important thing is getting the relief to that poor country.”

In a related story, the city of Chicago has graciously donated their entire stockpile of 1982-era Tylenol to the North Korean relief effort.

The news that an asteroid will pass close to Earth in 2036 prompted a group of scientists to recommend Saturday that the United Nations arrange an international space mission to deflect the threatening space rock.

France, however, immediately issued a statement urging restraint against “a seemingly lovely space rock we know nothing about,” and claimed that the United States was behind the call to take aggressive action.

“Once again, the United States is rattling sabers when diplomacy hasn’t had a chance to work,” said French spokesman Serge Betain. “We must use the United Nations to convince the world that what we think is a life-threatening boulder hurtling through space may actually be a peaceful mission from a far away planet.”

The French offered an alternative plan that calls for efforts to communicate with the asteroid via 24 hour broadcasting of a radio signal into space.  Against a back drop of Enya music, French actor Gerard Depardieu will apologize to the asteroid that the Earth is in its path and ask what the two celestial bodies can do together to avoid a catastrophe.Â

Betain went on to slam the world for what he called “blatant Earth-centric thinking.”

“When you think about it, exactly who is in whose path? Have we considered the point of view of the asteroid? Perhaps, as we speak, they are scurrying around planning to divert us. How does that feel?”

UN Ambassador John Bolton discusses Iran’s recent proposal on uranium enrichment with President Bush via security encrypted walkie-talkies. The US has kept the pressure on Iran to conform with Security Council resolutions regarding their nuclear program or risk the UN making even more strongly worded future resolutions, possibly written in either boldface or all caps. Bolton attributes much of his success at Turtle Bay thus far to his close relationship with, and ready access to, President Bush.

Haircut- $.15 U.S. (after purchasing any lunch special at Domingo’s Casa de Libertad in downtown Caracas)

Suit- $.35 U.S. (thanks to lax Venezuelan child labor laws)

Cab fare from LaGuardia to Turtle Bay- $275.25 ( could have been much higher as there was some construction going on, luckily his cabbie knew a shortcut)

Calling Bush “the devil”- Free (plus a round of applause led by Iran, Cuba and France thrown in for good measure)

Getting laughed at by the women sitting behind you at the United Nations General Assembly because you cited Chomsky- Priceless

(AP Photo/Julie Jacobson)

BFW: Thank you for taking the time to meet with me Mr. Secretary General. I know what a busy man you are.

KA: It is my pleasure. We will be done by noon right? I am doing lunch with Hillary and Bill at The Four Seasons today. The bison carpaccio is to die for.

BFW: Yes, your people called seven times to let us know about that. I’ll make sure you are out of here in plenty of time. How would you categorize your meeting with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

KA: Very productive and useful. He is a serious man with the best interests of his country at heart. We sat down in his bounce house like reasonable world leaders and had a very fruitful discussion.

BFW: His bounce house?

KA: Why does that sound so strange to you? I swear you Americans are beyond intolerant.

BFW: It just seems a bit odd that’s all.

KA: Well I can assure you it was very pleasant. You just have to sort of roll with it. Oh, and make sure to steer clear of the camel glory hole in the back.

BFW: Duly noted. I know that you confronted President Ahmadinejad on his denial of the Holocaust. Can you tell us a bit about his response?

KA: Certainly. President Ahmadinejad was extremely gracious although I fear that some of the dialogue was lost in translation. From what I can gather, he requested that I find a hat to “go sit in”. I am unfamiliar with the term although I believe it to be one of those charming little Iranian colloquialism’s. My interpreters are still working on the actual definition, but I am confident that I read the spirit of his words accurately.

BFW: I see. And when you addressed his refusal to cease enrichment of uranium?

KA: Mr. Ahmadinejad was very pleasant. He demonstrated a willingness to address the situation in a multi-lateral manner that I think you Americans could learn a thing or two from.

BFW: What did he say?

KA: Again, we may have lost a bit in translation but he suggested that America, Great Britain, Australia, Israel and the rest of the world “go vuck ourselves running”. Those ancient cultures have a way with expressing themselves. This tells me two things. First, here is a man who is serious about working with the world in an inclusive manner. And second, he is concerned about the fitness level of all of the worlds citizens, which, judging by the obesity rate in your country is something you should pay heed to.

BFW: You just don’t get it do you?

KA: Get what?

BFW: Never mind. Is there anything you would like to say in conclusion?

KA: I would like to say that there can be no peace in this world without concessions between reasonable people so that we may all live in peace. As it is so in the animal kingdom, so should it be among mankind. Does not the proud gazelle concede his life so that the noble hyena may live? And the mighty Cape Buffalo. Does she not offer her flesh and blood to the regal lion so that he may continue his reign? And what of the …

BFW: Our thanks to U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan for his time.

It was reported on Wednesday afternoon that Israel rejected demands from U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan that that country “immediately lift it’s sea and air blockade of Lebanon and withdraw it’s forces once 5,000 international troops are deployed.”

Although Annan was rebuffed on his primary point, TNOYF has learned that it was actually the Secretary General’s insistence that Israel grant the right of “prima nocta” to Hezbollah members that may have actually soured the deal.

Israel Prime Minister Ehud Olmert graciously countered Annan’s impertinent exactions by offering a chair in the Secretary Generals name at Tel Aviv University.

Onlookers reported that Annan appeared “moved beyond words” and merely “stared with his mouth agape” when learning of the honor.

Thanks to: The Jawa Report, Stop The ACLU

Much to the dismay of Democrats everywhere, President Bush demonstrated yesterday that he is in fact human when a Reuters photographer clicked a photo of an all too compromising note he was writing to Condoleeza Rice during a U.N. meeting. Bush is seen writing the damning sentences: “I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?”

“Is this possible?” Excellent question. We asked an expert to examine Bush’s statement to get her thoughts.

“Well, I really like the way he used the word ‘may’ instead of ‘can’,” stated kindergarten teacher Molly Knudsen. “That is a common lavatorial error that he thankfully avoided. However, it would have been better if he had used his words instead of writing it down. In summation, I would let this little guy go to the bathroom.”

In a related matter, TNOYF’s Senior Personal Correspondence Photographer obtained a picture of another Bush note (intended for Rice as well) from later in the day:

Handwriting experts tell us that the slipshod writing in this note is likely due to either exhaustion from the grueling schedule the President keeps or photo editing software in the hands of a rank amateur.

Thanks to Basil, Mudville & OTB.

The upcoming United Nations Summit in New York City is expected to be the largest gathering of world leaders in recent history. Dignitaries ranging from British Prime Minister Tony Blair to Russian President Vladimir Putin to French President Jacques Chirac are all expected to make the trip.

However, this particular summit is expected to include some even more controversial world figures. Cuban dictator Fidel Castro and the titularly challenged Libyan “Strongman” Muammar Qadaffi are likely attendees along with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

With so many heads-of-state in town opportunities to change the course of international politics will surely arise. With that in mind TNOYF has asked noted extermination expert Pat Robertson to give us his thoughts on the most likely targets at the upcoming General Assembly.

• French President Jacques Chirac- An effeminate, condescending appeaser. The prototypical Frenchman. Not actually a danger, but a true pain in the ass.

Pat’s Pick- Fire a shot into the ground next to him and watch him scurry away in a frenzy. Laugh. Reload. Repeat.

• German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder- Anti-American. Especially during campaign season. However, Germans make a fine beer.

Pat’s Pick- Graze him about the groin area and give him a stern warning.

• Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro- Great cigars. Beautiful women. This country has more potential than Iraq. Let’s get to getting some.

Pat’s Pick- Give him a set of sweet sunglasses. Wait for him to put them on. Go Moe Green on his a**.

• Chinese General Secretary Hu Jintao- Communist. Great take-out food. Sneaky. I don’t trust them.

Pat’s Pick- Defer to my friends at Right Hand of God. They’ve dealt with these heathens before.

• Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin- I just don’t like the look on his face or his smug little attitude. Who in their right mind would aspire to be more French?

Pat’s Pick- A Joe Pesci style beat down ala Raging Bull. Outside a club. Head in the car door. Wham, bam, slam.

In other news, Michael Moore was recently admitted to an Obesity Management Center shortly after he recorded a dangerous blood-gravy level of .37.

This post is also available at Blogger News Network.

Thanks to Mudville, Basil & OTB.

One day removed from his recess appointment as the United State’s ambassador to the U.N., John “Make Those UN Sissy’s Start” Bolton continues to stir up controversy. With his new promoter Don King by his side, Bolton held a press conference early this morning.

“Oh, it’s on now,” stated Bolton. “Say it slow everybody… pres-i-den-tial backing. That’s right baby. The kid gloves are off. Kofi? Dead man. New York Times editors? Dead. Kennedy? Ho ho. Dead. Blutosky? Actually, I kind of like that guy. I’m gonna’ hire him on.”

The notion of a U.N. ambassador appearing with fight promoter and convicted felon Don King seemed a bit strange  to one attendee.

“It seems a bit strange that a U.N. ambassador would appear with fight promoter and convicted felon Don King,” opined one attendee.

For his part, King promised “four times the ass -kickin’ that one would normally expect from a U.S. ambassador.”

“This is the most fantabulous, splendiferous occurrence in international relations that has ever been,” noted King in his typically understated manner. “This is bigger than the ‘Thrilla in Manilla‘ more ecstaticeristic than the ‘Rumble in the Jungle’. Yes sir, what we have here is “Whoop-ass Day in Turtle Bay“!

As this article is going to print during Happy Hour, Ted Kennedy was not available for comment.

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to Mudville & OTB.

A scandal-plagued United Nations has just taken what some experts call a very aggressive step towards addressing their problems by hiring former Clinton National Security Adviser, Sandy Berger as a “special consultant.”

“We believe that Mr. Berger, in his own unique way, will be able to help our great organization move past these unfortunate events that have plagued us as the tse-tse fly plagues the mighty Cape Buffalo,” stated UN Secretary General Kofi Annan. “It is as my father told me when I was a young boy, he said to me ‘Kofi, if the wicked mangulu spider bites the brave Zanta warrior, then the Zanta has no other option but to use the healing toonga plant to make himself well once more. Mr. Berger is our toonga plant. Hakuna matata’.”

Berger who is best known as the 7 year-old boy who created the “My Dog Ate My Homework” defense, has come under fire for taking classified materials from the National Archives that are related to terrorism responses during Bill Clinton’s presidency.

When approached for questioning Berger alternately: denied the charges, admitted the charges, threatened to press charges, pulled out 3 separate charge cards and finally yelled “Haliburton! No war for oil!!!“, then walked away quickly. Berger’s response has led many Washington insiders to consider him the Democratic front-runner for 2008.

Berger’s official UN title will be, “Special Envoy to the Land of Stolen and Shredded Documents“.

A decidedly more hawkish UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan today unveiled a “detailed, five-point UN strategy to combat terrorism.” Annan presented what he called his “five D’s” to the International Summit on Democracy, Terrorism and Security in Madrid.

They are as follows:

1. Debate. Debate first. Debate last. Debate while the explosions are going off. We must try to keep an open dialogue with those who want to kill you us. Would we stop talking with the noble cobra simply because it has killed our friends and lashes out insanely at our legs?
2. Democrats. American Democrats have a far more sophisticated understanding of world affairs and they realize, as Neville Chamberlain before realized, the importance of not offending your our enemies. If they are not offended by your our words then they will start to gain self-esteem. If they gain self-esteem they will no longer wish to blow themselves up.
3. Denial. As my father told me when I was a young boy: “Kofi, why should we kill the brave lion when we can just close our eyes and pretend he doesn’t exist? ” After he was eaten by a pride of lions I swore I’d live by those words.
4. Dancing. Why? Because everybody loves dancing.
5. Duct-tape. If we cannot solve the problem with the other ‘D’s then we will use duct-tape. If we cannot solve it with duct tape then Mufasa help us all.

When approached for comment Annan repeatedly praised the UN for being “proactive” with regard to fighting terror.

Annan carried his proactive theme to the next level when he announced two new UN initiatives that deal with violence in the world: The Problem With Pirates: What Can Be Done About Them? and Why Genghis Khan Must Be Stopped Now.