As Hurricane Felix drove toward the Yucatan Peninsula yesterday, there was a massive outpouring of concern in the media for the “stranded” native people of that region, the Miskito Indians.

In a highly emotional segment, CNN’s Anderson Cooper interviewed one of the desperate, vulnerable tribe members.

“Good morning. ladies and gentlemen. It is with a heavy heart that I bring the news from Central America, where Hurricane Felix is bearing down on the people of Nicaragua and Honduras at Category 5 strength. Yet beneath this looming tragedy–as if this latest struggle between man and nature brought on by President Bush’s failure to ratify the Kyoto Treaty wasn’t enough–there lurks a far more insidious story, one of rich vs. poor, have vs. have-not. Indeed, as plane after plane of Louis Vuitton-toting Americans are evacuated back to the United States and the comfort of their ozone-depleting SUVs, the indigenous Miskito Indians of Central America are left to face the wrath of Felix on their own, like a pathetic scattering of oddly-pierced human shields.”

“With me live from Honduras is Nicara Menchu, a Miskito Indian who has taken time from hurricane preparations to talk to us. Welcome, Nicara.  No doubt you are currently engaged in some sort of child sacrifice to appease the Sky God, no?”

“Uh, no, Anderson.  We’ve actually been watching the Weather Channel.”

“Of course you have, Nicara. Also– I want to assure you that the large metallic object with the ‘magic’ glass is in fact something we call a vid-e-o cam-er-a. It is used to take moving pictures of your plight so we can share them with others. It will not– I repeat– will not steal your soul.”

“I know what a video camera is, Anderson.  I have a Masters Degree in Communications from Yale.”

“Of course you do!  Boy, the white man really did a number on you, didn’t he?  Speaking of which, can you tell us a little bit about how the white devil has left you behind with a hurricane about to descend on your tribal lands like a swooping falcon of death?”

“No one left us behind, Anderson.  My people have lived in these areas for hundreds of years.  We have survived storms that dwarfed Katrina.  Over time, we have adapted ways to survive these storms.”

“Mmm hmm.  So what you are saying is that you and your noble tribesmen were literally pushed off the bus to make room for those with lighter skin.”

“No, that is not what I am saying at all.  I am saying that we do not require rescue, as we are quite able to survive on our own.”

“Right.  At what point did Bush’s National Guard cronies start passing out the small-pox laden blankets and firewater?”

“Uh, I’ve really got to get back to work here.”

“Absolutely. From all of us at CNN, we wish you the best.   And remember, ritualistic dancing is no match for a Cat 5 Hurricane.”

“Good day, Mr. Cooper.”

Announcer: “Fox now continues with coverage of “Nappy Headed Ho-Gate: Jeri-Curls In the Heartland” with your hosts, Shepard Smith and Greta Von Susteren. We join Shepard live, in New York.”

“I’m just back from a highly emotional visit to the Rutgers campus in New Jersey where I met with the woman’s basketball team, and let me tell you, you can feel the hurt, the anguish– the existential pain of these young ladies. After spending an hour “gettin real” with them, Greta, I’m convinced that this lawsuit against Don Imus threatens to become nothing short of this generation’s Roe vs. Wade.”

“Uh…Shep…..you do know that Roe vs. Wade legalized abortion, right?”

“Indeed it did, Greta, and I for one will rest better knowing that Don Imus can’t take away a woman’s right to choose.”

“Right….Uh, Shep, was there a little party at Rutgers today as part of your visit? As a former ‘hoopster,’ I know those college basketball girls can get pretty crazy!”

“If by ‘crazy’ you mean grievously wounded, Greta, then, yes, I suppose they are. Given the circumstances, who am I to deprive them of some liquid solace in their time of need?”

“Understood, Shepster. Well, while you get your bearings, let’s start to talk to some people who can help us sort out the confusion behind Nappy-Headed Ho-Gate. First, a man who understands the realities of nappy hair better than most people, former Patridge Family member and current gravelly-voiced has-been, Danny Bonaduce. Welcome Danny!”

“The Patridge Family?!?  God, how I loved Susan Dey.”

“Thanks Greta.  Although your producers told me we were going to be talking about my upcoming boxing match with Tonya Harding and-”

“Sorry, Danny– as much as I would love to hear you tell us how tough you are, I need to cut to Al Sharpton, who wrote the proverbial book on nappy hair.  Reverand Al, how do you feel about this lawsuit?”

“Thank you Greta. The lawsuit- WOMAN, WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR?”

“POWER TO THE SISTAS!  OK, Al.  I’ve got one for you.  I’m going to put three faces up on the screen, and you tell me which one has the nappiest hair.  Ready?”

“I WILL NOT-”

“Not game?  OK, which of the following three images best exemplifies the meaning of “Ho?”

“Mmmmmm.  Ho-Ho’s.”

“This is a mockery and a-”

“SWEET MOTHER OF GOD PROTECT US!!!  HURRICANE DEAN HAS BECOME A CAT 5, SHEP!!!  TO THE YUCATAN WITH YOU!! MACH SCHNELL!  MACH SCHNELL!”

Hi, it’s Chris Matthews with breaking news from John Edward’s camp. Seems Elizabeth Edwards, who as of late has complained that her husband’s white maleness puts him at a disadvantage with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, has some news about her health. Elizabeth, welcome to Hardball.”

“Thank you, Chris. I’ll get right to the point– it seems I have come down with bacterial vaginosis, which is a disease that neither black men nor lesbian women can catch. When you layer this on top of my breast cancer, I’m really up against it, as they say. But, despite a heavy heart and clammy alcove, John and I have decided to soldier on together. At a safe distance.”

“Wow, Elizabeth, I’m so sorry. That’s quite the one-two punch. But on the bright side, you and John will get a fresh batch of sympathy emails that you can use for campaign fund raising. Once people hear that you’ve got a little mildew on the catcher’s mitt, your inbox– pardon the pun– will be full!”

“Well, Chris, we’ve got quite the uphill battle, so hopefully people will see that we’re just like other folks who come down with– what did you call it?”

“Mildew on the catcher’s mitt.”

“err…right. But actually, Chris, there’s more news. I’m also bleeding profusely from my anus.”

Groan.

“Who’s that?”

“The MSNBC late night cleaning crew, Elizabeth. They’re responsible for the studio, including your apparently blood-soaked chair. Uh, me no think-o they are very happy-o.”

“Forget about them, Elizabeth– this is just horrible news. What is your prognosis?”

“4 to 6 weeks.”

“Jesus! Your doctor gave you 4 to 6 weeks to live?”

“No, silly. John’s campaign manager thinks we can get an additional 4 to 6 weeks of absolute moral authority.”

“Well, Elizabeth, on behalf of everyone at MSNBC, we wish you the best.”

“Speak for yourself, gringo.”

Goodbye Wuzzadem. Thanks for the inspiration. -Ed.

ANNCR: “Fox News now returns to ‘Lost In Middle Earth: The Heart-Rending Utah Mining Calamity,’ with Greta Van Susteren in Utah.”

Greta Van Susteren: “Well, folks, the mood here in Huntington Utah is somber as the valiant efforts to drill down to find these miners continues. The feeling of sheer helplessness overtook me several hours ago, and I began to dig my own tunnel down to find these poor, trapped souls, using only my hands. I’m proud to report that I’ve excavated a good 8 inches, despite the interference of the mining officials who seem to think that my efforts might be distracting. Shep, if they want a race, I’ll give them a race. I’ve got 8 more fingernails to give.”

Shepard Smith: “Well, Greta, you continue to amaze me. I find your valor inspiring, and dare I say, hot. In fact, if you were here, right now, I might need to take you right here on this desk. With mining helmets on, of course. But…lest we lose focus, let’s bring in some mining experts who can help us make sense of this epic tragedy. First, some musicians who fully understand the horror and sorrow of a mine shaft collapse, the remaining members of the Bee Gees, who penned the song “New York Mining Disaster 1941″ back in 1967. Barry and Robin Gibb, welcome.”

Barry Gibb: “Thank you, Shepard. Although I must admit, Robin and I aren’t quite sure why you want to talk with us.”

Shepard Smith: “Surely, you jest, Barry. Did you not write the song that seems oddly prescient given the current circumstances in Utah?”

Robin Gibb: “Uh, we did write it, but how does it have anything to do with what’s going on in Utah? And must we wear these god-forsaken miners helmets?”

Shepard Smith: “The helmets symbolically connect us with the lost souls in Utah, Mr. Gibb. Let me ask you about your lyrics…

‘I keep straining my ears to hear a sound.
Maybe someone is digging underground,
or have they given up and all gone home to bed,
thinking those who once existed must be dead.’

So you think these miners are dead, no?”

Barry Gibb: “Uh, no. We wrote those words 40 years ago.”

Shepard Smith: “Oddly foreboding, no?”

Robin Gibb: “No. We were ridiculously high. I wrote those lyrics after eating a gram of mushrooms.”

Shepard Smith: “Let’s go to the next mine expert, a young man from Tulsa, Oklahoma, who understands the meaning of the word “mine,” Timmy Newsome!”

Shepard Smith: “Hi Timmy!”

Timmy Newsome: “MINE!”

Shepard Smith: “Yes, we know, Timmy, it’s a horrible calamity. Do you have any suggestions as to how we can cope with this looming disaster?”

Timmy Newsome “MINE!”

Shepard Smith: “I know. God love you. You are so focused on the problem, that you are unable to detach.”

Timmy Newsome: “MINE!!!!”

Greta Van Susteren: “Let him go, Shep. He’s in shock.”

Announcer: “And Fox is back with our around-the-clock coverage of the Minneapolis Bridge Tragedy. We join Shepherd Smith and special guest Laura Ingraham in our New York studios.”

Shepherd Smith: “It’s been over a week since a pathetic, man-made structure spanning a rabid, raging, shark-filled waterway betrayed its innocent crossers and created a calamity of epic proportions, a tragedy so profound that words fail me. Oh, the humanity. Laura, I need a moment.”

Laura Ingraham: “Yes you do, Shep. Maybe we should go to Greta in the helicopter. It would give you time to… uh, get yourself together.”

Greta Van Susteren: “Did someone say ‘Greta’?”

Shepherd Smith: “Yes, Greta. How are you holding up?”

Greta Van Susteren: “All things considered, I’m OK, Shep. The emails from my fans help. Particularly the ones that talk about my commitment and valor. The ones that ask about the frozen part of my face are less inspiring.”

Laura Ingraham: “Yeah. What is up with that?”

Shepherd Smith: “Ignore her, Greta. But you might want to dab your lip, you’ve got a bit of leakage. So tell us, what is the latest from the mourning heartland?”

Greta Van Susteren: “Well, Shep, as I survey the devastation from the helicopter, I’m reminded of Dante’s Inferno- WAIT! Do you see that?”

Shepherd Smith: “What, Greta? Is it a puppy drowning?”

Greta Van Susteren: “I’m certain there are puppies drowning down there, Shep, but this is worse. I see a person, likely one of the thousands missing, and they…he……my god…it’s alive.”

Shepherd Smith: “Merciful Mary, Mother Of God, pray for us.”

Laura Ingraham: “Easy, Shep, maybe it’s a rock.”

Greta Van Susteren: “Shep, you promised you would control her.”

Shepherd Smith: “I’m paralyzed by grief, Greta.”

Greta Van Susteren: “No matter, Shep-ster. I’m going in for the rescue. Pilot, MACH SCHNELL! MACH SCHNELL!”

Laura Ingraham: “My God, she’s channeling Eva Braun.”

Shepherd Smith: “Greta, we just did a quick online Fox instant poll, and only 35% of the respondents think it’s a person in need of saving. 50% think it’s a rock, and 15% believe it’s a drowning puppy.”

Greta Van Susteren: “We’re getting closer…it is a person! A SURVIVOR, over a week later! It’s unimaginable! How on God’s green earth did he survive? Who is this man of valor?”

Helicopter Pilot: “It’s a rescue worker.”

Greta Van Susteren: “What could possibly make you think that?”

Helicopter Pilot: “Uh, the orange bib that says ‘Rescue’”.

Greta Van Susteren: “He’s waving to us for help! Shep, can you guys see this in New York?”

Shepherd Smith: “We can, Greta. What a poignant picture of humanity struggling against the unpredictability of nature. I– I will not cry.”

Laura Ingraham: “10 bucks says you do, Shep. Um, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure he’s waving you off, Greta. The wind from the helicopter is interfering with his work.”

Greta Van Susteren: “Do we have any rope?”

Helicopter Pilot: “Yes, but I’m saving it to hang myself later.”

Shepherd Smith: “Greta, you need to change course. We just learned that there is a breaking development in the Utah Mining Disaster. It seems that one of the missing miners once had a dream that he was late for a college exam.”

Greta Van Susteren: “NO! What course?”

Shepherd Smith: “Renaissance Literature.”

Greta Van Susteren: “PILOT! TO UTAH! MACH SCHNELL! MACH SCHNELL!”

Death Plunge 2007 Part I 

Following is a transcript from today’s Fox News Broadcast.

Announcer: Fox News around-the-clock coverage of Death Plunge 2007: TheMinneapolis Bridge Tragedy, now continues with our hosts in New York - Shepherd Smith and Kimberly Guilfoyle.