Michelle Malkin opines on the website “Stuff White People Like,” and wonders aloud if there’s potential in a website dedicated to Stuff Muslims Don’t Like.

To help, here’s TNOYF’s list of the Top 9 Things That Muslims Don’t Like.

9. That recurring nightmare where they are in front of a million screaming jihadists with an American flag and a box of damp matches.

8. When a cranky rotator cuff produces inaccurate, sidearm-hurling at stonings.

7. Matzo and Brisket Day in the jihadist cafeteria.

6. The inexplicable failure of consumer electronics companies to recognize the marketing opportunity for blood-resistant video cameras.

5. That dark day in history when, due to a bizarre genetic mutation and Allah’s sick sense of humor, women suddenly developed the ability to make sound.

4. Nosebleed end-zone seats at the soccer stadium for the weekly execution festival.

3. Landing gear.

2. Discovering that the peculiar odor in the house was an infidel head taken as a souvenir by your son and hidden beneath his not-so-secret stash of Camel Love Quarterly.

1. Spending several hours tracking the enticing sounds of an injured baby goat through a cave only to find it was that ventriloquist prankster, Abdul.

9. “Okay. Two tickets to Les Mis for the person that comes up with the most creative way to tie this to the Bush administration. We’re talking front row loge seats here people, let’s move!”

8. “Hey, I’ve got an idea for a headline! How about, ‘Obama’s Pastor Falls Victim To Vast Wright Wing Conspiracy‘. See what I did there? I spelled Wright with a ‘w’ instead of an ‘r’.”

7. “Alright people. Let’s ask ourselves, ‘What would Jayson Blair do?’”

6. “I haven’t checked the wire in about ten minutes. Is Obama defending, condemning, or offering Wright a cabinet position now?”

5. “I think what would really finish this piece nicely is a Kanye West quote.”

4. “How’s this for an opening on the Wright piece? ‘April is on track to become the bloodiest month in Iraq for U.S. troops since they began their illegal occupation’?”

3. “‘April is on track to become the bloodiest month in Iraq for U.S. troops since they began their illegal occupation.’ Damn fine intro. It captures the essence of the Obama-Wright falling out very succinctly. Does anyone else smell a Pulitzer?”

2. “A guy that my husband works with told him that he heard it from a cousin that a woman that she knows has a friend who read on a blog that John McCain once had a tryst with Cher.”

1. “Which word do you think captures our utter lack of surprise at Wright’s multiple and well-documented inflammatory, racist, anti-American statements more: shocked, stunned, or flabbergasted?”

Hollywood icon Harrison Ford is currently appearing in an Internet video having his chest waxed. Ford, the star of such blockbuster franchises as Star Wars and Indiana Jones, decided to undergo the painful procedure as a way of demonstrating the pain that the Earth feels when deforestation occurs.

Too often celebrities are chastised by conservative pundits, radio hosts (see Laura Ingraham’s “Shut Up And Sing!“), or bloggers for not “putting their money where their mouth is.” We at TNOYF applaud Mr. Ford for taking a stand, and hope that other stars will follow suit.

Following are other noteworthy causes with our suggestions for celebrity activism.

9. Staple individual slices of Kraft cheese to a handcuffed Sean Penn and then unleash 1,000 Norway Rats to commemorate the spread of the bubonic plague in the late 1300s.

8. Cut out Barbara Streisand’s tongue to symbolize her unity with oppressed women in the Middle East.

7. Burn Oliver Stone’s books, impound his homes and vehicles, confiscate his money, and throw him in jail with no legal representation to show his unity with the plight of the much-maligned former Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

6. Program robots to perform painful anal probes on Nancy Pelosi to draw attention to discriminatory practices against illegal aliens.

5. Have Michael Moore’s core temperature raised to 147 degrees to symbolize the dramatic impact that global warming has had on the planet.

4. Perform a lobotomy on Reverend Jeremiah Wright to once and for all end the question over neurological differences between blacks and whites.

3. Cover Geraldo Rivera in brightly-colored papier-mache` and hang him from a tree near a group of stick-wielding juvenile delinquents to show support for the plight of undocumented immigrants.

2. Have the cast of The View hold a “Be A Baby Fur Seal For A Day” telethon during which they take turns clubbing each other to show support for the lovable aquatic mammals.

1. Feed Danny Glover to grey wolves to celebrate the carnivore’s return to prominence in the western United States due to the tireless efforts of animal rights activists.

9. Obviously your involvement with both Reverend Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers of the Weather Underground have become huge campaign issues and we’d be remiss if we did not mention them. That being said, do you like Tiger Woods’ chances of taking at least two of the next three Majors this season?

8. If you had a time machine, would you go back in time to prevent U.S. troops from being sent to Iraq before or after you prevented them from being deployed to Europe in the 1940s for the senseless, extremely costly war against Germany and Japan?

7. One weblog forwarded the notion that “once you go Barack, you never go back.” Is this true?

6. Tell us more about your excellent campaign slogan: “A pony in every backyard.”

5. Two-part question. How many minority social workers from Chicago will it take to solve the ills of this country? And are you willing to tax evil corporations an additional 50-60% for the greater good that would come from their efforts?

4. How would you respond to your critics who have slammed you for having little to no practical foreign policy experience, conveniently omitting the fact that you have several atlases, a really cool globe that opens up into a bar, and home videos of your childhood trips that have already been converted from 8mm to digital?

3. If elected president, would you be comfortable using your powers to solve the world’s food shortage by turning a package of Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks and a three-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi into lifetime supplies of each?

2. Given the following choices, what term best describes you: “wicked awesome”, “totally wicked awesome”, or “off the chain, cha-chinga-ching to the 10th power awesome?”

1. How many puppies would you estimate you have saved from drowning during your tenure in the United States Senate?

Per Potfry’s previous post, “Word today from Kathy Shaidle that a new lawsuit has been filed by Canadian schoolgirl Richard Warman (picture below) against a group of conservative bloggers including Kathy’s Five Feet Of Fury blog, Ezra Levant, Mark Steyn, Small Dead Animals, Free Dominion, and Jonathan Kay of The National Post..”

As Potfry noted here: “Warman alleges that the group conspired to steal his fanny-pack, pull his pigtails, and create a mildly disturbing atmosphere that forced him to go potty more frequently than normal.”

We’ve dug around and discovered a bit more about this mysterious human rights crusader.

9. Has never been able to recapture the glory he achieved after he defeated Bobby Riggs in the famous “Battle of the Sexes.”

8. Once played lead air guitar in a Milli Vanilli tribute band.

7. Only needs to file 137 more lawsuits to finally gain complete and utter revenge on the ruffians who used to steal his lunch money in grade school.

6. Performed an interpretive dance entitled, “The Genius of Alan Alda” for his high school talent show.

5. Coined the phrase, “You can’t spell ‘team’ without ‘m-e’.”

4. Is perpelexed that his former employer refuses to change their name to the Human Lefts Commission.

3. Is so sensitive that after watching prescription drug commercials on television, frequently comes down with at least two of the major side effects.

2. Would never admit it, but secretly wears Mark Steyn footie-pajamas.

1. Feels very inadequate because…because…well, let’s just say that if he had a blog it would be named “3 Inches of Fury.”

9. Couldn’t find his white head scarf, and wasn’t about to commit fashion suicide by wearing black after Eid ul-Adha.

8. It was all a big misunderstanding. People thought he called for a “massive demonstration of force, using extreme violence if necessary, to protest the continuing American occupation force in Iraq.” What he really said was that he wanted to “get a few guys together at his place to hold a candlelight vigil for Brittney and pray that she has a successful stint in rehab.”

7. The lead actor became ill, so he had to fulfill his obligations as understudy for the role of Bluto in “Animal House: The Musical.”

6. Realized that it was “dimey’s” night at “Muhammad’s Not Here” tavern.

5. Had a severe flare-up of the gout after a practical joker replaced the coffee he normally drinks with goat urine.

4. Scheduling kerfuffle. Realized too late that he was set to speak at The Daily Kos’ “Let’s Show Our Support For The U.S. Troops” rally.

3. Didn’t know that Al Sharpton was planning on smearing a black, quadriplegic leper with feces that same day, and wasn’t about to compete for media coverage with that.

2. That New York Times editorial gig finally came through.

1. Timing of the march coincided with the E! True Hollywood Story on David Hasselhoff.

9. Live Leak keeps acting all uppity with their “freedom to express different viewpoints” attitude.

8. Portrays Muslims as violent and murderous; but in a negative way.

7. Thought the lead role should have gone to Shatner.

6. Upset with the big push by the producers to get it ready in time for Cannes.

5. Forces Muslim rioters to craft yet another batch of poorly-spelled, though surprisingly neat, protest signs in English.

4. Very poor lighting during the flag burning sequences.

3. Too one-sided. Never gave non-partisan groups like CAIR, Al Qaeda, or Hezbollah a chance to tell their side of the story.

2. Refuses to show the “kinder, gentler side” of bloodthirsty jihadists.

1. Takes call for “violent, painful death to all Jews and non-believers” out of context.

9. Defeat Racism, Kill A Cracker

8. There is nothing to fear but fear itself…and the bloodsucking moneylenders.

7. Ask not what your country can do for you…actually, what’s the harm in just asking?

6. Obama In ‘08: You Jews, you lose

5. Speak Loudly And Carry A Big Di… (Editor: Our error, this was an Eliot Spitzer slogan.)

4. No Child Left Behind! Not so fast white boy.

3. I Don’t Like Kike

2. Obama in ‘08: Are you better off than you were 200 years ago?

1. A Honkey In Every Pot

Check out Jeremiah Wright’s New Sit-Com on Fox!

For the average person who has not had the opportunity to sit next to Helen Thomas at a White House Press briefing during the tenure of a Republican president, the inner workings of Hell remain a mystery. Certainly there is much conjecture and supposition about the goings-on in the Underworld, but no hard facts. Until now. Our Senior Hades Correspondent has once again gone above and beyond the call of duty with his most recent expose.

Without further ado we present The Top 9 Little Known Facts About Hell:

9. A new survey of Hell residents revealed that the “After Hours Riverfront Joyride With Ted Kennedy” simulator remains the least popular form of torture in Hades for a record seventh consecutive year. Coming in second once again is the “Be Bill Clinton’s Intern’s Dress For A Day” experience.

8. Every Thursday is “Nachos & Sodomy Night.”

7. The Devil’s brother Raul remains the odds-on favorite to replace him when the Devils multi-millennial term expires in 2010.

6. The Devil has said he will never release Stalin regardless of how many times George Clooney protests that he was simply a “man ahead of his time.”

5. Despite receiving numerous proposals from House leader Nancy Pelosi, the Devil has refused to create an official George W. Bush wing. However, the Devil was quoted as saying that he is excited about the prospect of Jimmy Carter’s impending death, and the much anticipated “Habitat For Inhumanity” project that will follow soon after.

4. The Devil has never in fact been down to Georgia, but he has attended a number of continuing education conferences in Berkeley.

3. Fidel Castro will celebrate his twelfth anniversary a week from Tuesday.

2. Hell residents who exhibit exceptionally poor behavior are forced to watch Gymkata on a loop for eternity, as Robert Byrd explains the political repercussions of the film in great detail, while doing his spot-on Susan Estrich impersonation.

1. While everyone knows that “666″ is the “Number of the Beast,” fewer people are aware that “”777″ is actually the “Number of the Beast’s Second Cousin,” Irving Phlegmburg.

9. Been looking at things from a “glass-half-empty” perspective. Now they only point out the people he didn’t feed with the loaves of bread and fish, not the millions who have already eaten their full through Him.

8. They keep bringing up that picture of him in the Muslim-ish outfit. Like a picture is going to impact a presidential candidates campaign!

7. Have not properly re-calibrated their “Victim-o-meters” yet. Everyone knows that a black, former Muslim with the ability to commune with animals, is entitled to far better coverage than a white woman whose major claim to fame is that she survived having a house dropped on her a few years back. 

6. They simply refuse to faint anymore when he talks about change. 

5. Keep asking questions about trading with Canada. Like he’s supposed to know about other continents.

4. They no longer respect his “no wake zone” when he goes for his daily walk across Lake Michigan.

3. They refuse to apply affirmative action formulas to the recent Texas and Ohio election results.

2. Haven’t been focusing at all on the thousands of ponies he has given to young children with cancer. 

1. They keep asking really hard questions. Sometimes more than one at a time. 

Related: Top 9 Little Known Facts About Barack Obama

                Jack Nicholson Debuts New “3AM” Commercial In Support Of Hillary Clinton

Our good friend Brian Ledbetter at the excellent photojournalism site Snapped Shot, has gotten a very raw deal from the folks at the Associated Press. It involves threatening him with a lawsuit. Please visit Snapped Shot to learn more about the situation. We aren’t exactly sure why the AP has chosen to pick on Brian, but we do have several theories.

9. There is no sense having high-paid lawyers on retainer if you can’t use them to threaten a blogger who is trying to perform a valuable service.

8. They thought he was that other Brian Ledbetter. You know, the pedophile who “bedazzles” his zipper with Milk Duds and Jaw Breakers and hangs out at Chuck E. Cheese restaurants on “Low IQ Appreciation Day.”

7. They were going to have a go at “Ralph Nader,” but decided that had been done to death.

6. His middle name is “Hussein.”

5. They really love our Top 9 Lists and were hoping to get one dedicated to them.

4. They are hoping that this will finally make Islamic Rage Boy like them enough to take the Senior Middle Eastern Protest Correspondent gig that they have been offering him for the past year and a half,

3. The New York Times wanted to do it, but they have their hands full at the moment.

2. They discovered that Brian used several “inappropriate pictures” of Vicki Iseman a while back.

1. While Brian always credits their pictures, he also insists on writing “-ss -irates” after the A and P.

Also see: Transcript Of Meeting Where AP Decided To Take Action Against Snapped Shot

9. He defecates hope, urinates dreams, perspires justice, expectorates butterfly kisses, and cries tears of racial equality.

8. While his home planet was in the throes of destruction as the result of a thermonuclear chain reaction deep within its unstable uranium core, Obama (nee Bar-El) managed to escape and make it to Earth where he is well on his way to fulfilling his destiny.

7. Admits that getting body art of Jim Jones on his back as a young man showed “a grave error in judgment.” Has since covered it up with a tattoo of David Keresh high-fiving L. Ron Hubbard.

6. While it is widely acknowledged that Denny Terrio taught John Travolta to dance for his role in the iconic film Saturday Night Fever, it is not as commonly known that Terrio learned his art by studying at the feet of one Barack Obama.

5. After doctors removed kidney stones from the senator in 2006, they accidentally dropped them on the operating room floor. Within minutes fifty money trees sprang up, neatly framing the entrance to the newly formed gum-drop swamp and hot fudge waterfall.

4. Feels that those who have dubbed his personal entourage his “posse” are racist and small-minded, noting that he much prefers the terms “apostles” or “disciples.”

3. Contrary to popular belief he does not walk on water. He prefers a light jog.

2. Is second only to Robert Byrd in Senate history for the record of talking for the longest time without actually saying anything.

1. Was actually born Eugene Michael Boyce, but changed his name just to make the 2008 election close.

9. Accepted a job as an expert judge on Fox’s new reality show, “Making the Totalitarian Despot.”

8. Tired of all of the toxic pro-American sentiment in Cuba, he’s going to move in with Michael Moore for awhile. Just to get himself grounded again.

7. Has been hired as an economic development consultant by the City of San Francisco.

6. Wanted to have more time to throw rotten food and feces at all of the librarians, authors, and political dissidents he has jailed.

5. Headed to a more technologically advanced country like Haiti or Sierra Leone to receive more cutting edge health care in his dying years.

4. Moving to America and running for president on the Democratic ticket to offer voters a more moderate choice.

3. After holding out for decades, finally took a position as the crazy uncle who lives in your basement.

2. Isn’t really stepping down. He was just filming an elaborate hoax for Ashton Kutcher’s hilarious show “Punk’d: Havana Style.”

1. Heard there was an opening for a Senior Human Rights Editor at the New York Times.

The video version of this Top 9 List is viewable at the TNOYF You-Tube page.

Here’s The Grizzly Bear’s first campaign video, reflecting TNOYF’s 9 reasons we think he should be the Republican nominee.

With Governor Mitt Romney now out of the presidential race, conservative Republicans are left with very limited (some would say “no”) options on who to vote for that best represents their belief system.

With no traditional choices remaining, we have decided to think outside of the box, and so we present:

Top 9 Reasons A Grizzly Bear Would Make A Great Republican Presidential Candidate

9. Although vehemently anti-gun by instinct, the grizzly bear still supports the right of the American people to carry firearms.

8. He has strong name recognition in California.

7. (tie) Extremely territorial by nature, the grizzly bear would vigorously defend our borders against illegal aliens, drug runners, and elk.

7. (tie) With average weights reaching around 1,000 pounds, the grizzly bear is highly unlikely to enact freedom-limiting fast food ban.

6. The grizzly bear’s annual hibernation is likely to induce fond memories in conservatives of the later Reagan years.

5. (tie) Would never utter such condescending and dishonest statements as “my distinguished opponent.”

5. (tie) His campaign slogan “Speak Softly And Carry Gigantic, Knife-like Teeth” should play well in the South and Midwest.

4. (tie) In the right lighting, the grizzly bear just may mistake Nancy Pelosi for a wounded caribou.

4. (tie) Everyone knows you can’t outrun a grizzly bear.

3. The grizzly bear would have no qualms about defecating on Helen Thomas after being asked one of her inane, semi-lucid questions.

2. (tie) The grizzly bear really know how to handle those pain-in-the-ass hippy protesters who tie themselves to trees.

2. (tie) The grizzly bear believes the Republican Party should be a “big tent”…out of which he can drag campers in their sleeping bags.

1. (tie) The grizzly bear has promised to reach across the aisle to Democrats such as Harry Reid, Ted Kennedy, and Jack Murtha…but only to slice their faces open with his razor sharp claws.

1. (tie) The grizzly bear is fully prepared to use any technique necessary to gain vital information from captured terrorists including: waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and eating them alive.