So as I was saying Salaam, I’ve pretty much got this nomination wrapped up. Then it’s a quick race–no pun intended–against the old white guy. By this time next year, Oprah Winfrey, Overstock.com, and orgasms will all be bowing down to the original “Big O!”

Not so fast Captain Q-Tip.

Huh? Oh hi, John-Kerry-in-a-sperm-costume-crawling-out-of-a-giant-mechanized-vagina. What are you doing here?

Trying to save you some embarrassment, and a boatload of cash.

What are you talking about?

Bang bang bang bang! Got you Haji!* You tell your pal Johnny Quest I’m coming for him next! Hee-haw!

Michael-Dukakis-playing-tank-machine-gunner-wearing-what-appears-to-be-a-comically-oversized-helmet? Okay fellas, what is going on here?

Isn’t it obvious? We’re here to welcome you to the club.

What club?

“What club,” he says. Don’t play coy with us, Barack. The “Poorly Thought-Out Photo-Ops That Have Jettisoned Potentially Promising Political Campaigns Club ,” of course.

Bang bang bang! Hey come on, I got you Haji. If you’re not going to play fair don’t play at all.

Look guys, no offense, but I hardly think that this falls into that category.

You know Barack, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Bang, bang, bang! Fall down, damn it!

Look, there’s no comparison here. You guys were trying to be something you weren’t. I’m not doing that.

So…you are a Muslim?

Yes…no…that’s not what I meant. Stop it will you? These questions are hard! And anyways, you shouldn’t be one to talk, John-Kerry-in-a-sperm-costume. My question is, how did they decide on that particular campaign-wrecking picture?

I’m quite sure I haven’t the foggiest notion of what you’re talking about.

No? Maybe my friend here can help to jog your memory a bit.

Ummmppphh!

Why, that photo was doctored anyone can see…

Oh? And this fella here?

Aghadabaahhh!

Now that one is clearly doctored as…

Windsurfing-John-Kerry-photograph reporting for duty!!

All right now you’re just being cruel and…

You asked for it.

Tender-comfortable-with-his-feminine-side-John-Kerry-photograph here. I’ll be right with you as soon as I tend to my partners terribly chafed, yet remarkably strong, chin.

AAAHHHH!!!!! No mas!! No mas!!

Score another one for the O-man!

Hey fellas, how come I wasn’t invited?

Bang, bang! You’re dead! I finally got you Helen Thomas!

Wuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhzzzzuuuuuppppp!!!!!!!

Huh? Generic-Dennis-Kucinich photograph? How does that fit in with your club?

You’re joking, right? Every Dennis Kucinich photograph is included in the club. Or to paraphrase Sy Sperling, “Not only is he a member, he’s also the founder.”

Hey, who invited the hot chick with all the bling? I’d like to take her for a long voyage aboard my Promtheus Class Imperial Transport and interface with her pleasure modules, if you know what I’m talking about. And I think you do.

*Haji reference was first made by Dinah Lord commenting at The Jawa Report. 

Charges that Hillary Clinton’s team rushed to judgement in proclaiming victory on Super Tuesday proved to be valid when the final vote tallies revealed the New York senator in a dead heat for delegates with Barack Obama. What the Clinton team failed to account for, according to insiders, was the final Affirmative Action adjustments that are made in all Democratic primaries.

“The Clinton team clearly forgot that once all the votes are in, we then run them through the ‘Racial Injustice Adjustment Formula (RIAF),’” said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. “This is plainly spelled out in Section IV, Bylaw 17.6 of the DNC handbook under the delegate tabulation provision, and is based on current demographic valuations. In this instance, one white vote equals 1.5 African-American votes. Once we have completed those calculations, we arrive at the only voting results that really matter: those that take into account the sins of the white race. Only after leveling the playing field in the manner that civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. intended, can we have something that even resembles true racial equality.”   

However, while veteran political scientists say that while this should push Obama over the top in his back and forth battle with Senator Hillary Clinton, he’s not out of the woods yet.

“Of course any time that you can get a vote and a half return on your investment, you have to be pleased,” said Dalton Q. Hawthorne of the Winthrop Institute. “However, while they represent the largest minority voting bloc, blacks are certainly not the only disenfranchised group that could play a factor in this primary.”

Hawthorne said he was referring to a growing number of uber-minority groups that have been gaining momentum in recent years. While none of them has the power to outright win an election for a candidate, they certainly have the power to drastically influence the course of a close campaign.  

“For example, each vote by a transgendered Native American leper, a small but very politically active demographic, is valued at 53.7  white man’s votes,” Hawthorne continued. ”Our push-polling shows that in Hillary Clinton they just may have found the candidate with enough gender ambiguity that they can rally around.  Black-lung inflicted Midwestern amputees are another potent voting bloc–14.3 white man’s votes– who can tip the scale of the election. Historically, the problem with them has always been remaining ambulatory enough to actually get to the voting booth. However, with the advent of the Internet they’ve become a lot more savvy and organized. Look for them to be a big factor in the write-in vote.”

Using our special mind-reading technology, TNOYF proudly presents Bill Clinton’s thoughts as he dozed in a Harlem church on MLK Day.

Good day. In the wake of former Atlanta Mayor Andrew Young’s assertion that Bill Clinton is just as black as Barack Obama, we are here to discuss the impact that race has historically had on Democratic politics, as well as the role it will play in the upcoming Democratic primaries. With me to discuss this issue will be presidential candidates John Edwards, Chris Dodd, Joe Biden, and Dennis Kucinich. But before we get started, let’s first take a look at a new poster from the Clinton campaign that broke today.

Clearly, there’s no doubt Senator Clinton is playing up her street cred during the 2008 campaign. But this would not be the first time we’ve seen such an approach from a Democratic candidate. For instance…

FDR was a true pioneer in garnering votes from the African-American community. Here is one of the very few times he was ever photographed in a wheelchair: a street-legal, 500-horsepower Cadillac Poliomatic SRX replete with, in his words, “a bumping system, curb feelers, and tricked-out spinny-rims.”

And here we see a shot from Jimmy Carter’s successful 1976 presidential campaign. His slogan, “Pimpin’ & Presidentin’ Ain’t Easy, But JC Can Rock Both,” is still considered by some to be one of the most effective crossover messages in political history.

We are fortunate to have many of the leading Democratic candidates for president with us today to discuss this topic. Senator Edwards let me start with you. In your opinion what role, if any, should race play in politics, and when do you feel that a candidate has crossed the line into bad taste or even playing up racial stereotypes?

Brit, let me start by saying that your question is a very good one. I for one am appalled that any of the candidates would try to play up their “blackness.” Particularly Barack Obama, who seems to think he’s the only black man in the campaign.

He is the only black man in the campaign, Senator.

Hogwash, Brit. The way I see it, you either have soul or you do not have soul. I am very fortunate to have been blessed with an overabundance of soul that has allowed me to connect with people of all races, both dead and alive. Why, just before I came here today I channeled the spirit of a young black girl named Shontiq’ua. Shontitq’ua told me she was brutally beaten and raped by all of the other leading Democratic presidential hopefuls, and then had her lower colon sucked out by a pool filter. This brave child wanted me to let you all know that she strongly supports my campaign, because she knows I’ll bring her justice, and a new colon.

Umm, Senator Edwards. Have you been tanning? Like, a lot?

I’m not quite sure what you mean, B.

OK–Senator Dodd, where do you stand on the use of “blackness” as an issue in presidential campaigns?

Yo, yo, yo Britt! That junk is whack. Let me set something straight a’ight? Hillary sho as hell cain’t dunk. She tried to throw it down on me one time and I rejected that s*** right back in her face, yo.

Senator, are you wearing blackface?

What kinda racist bulls*** is that? You wearing whiteface motherf*****?

Let’s move on to Dennis Kucinich.

How are you today Brit?

Very well, thank you, Senator. I see that you came with your regular skin color.

Of course, Britt. Altering my appearance to pander for votes is not my style.

I’m sure the average black voter will appreciate you taking the high ground.

True dat. And I ’spose da average black man is also gonna ‘preciate the new DK-bucket at KFC.

Nothin but crispy left wings!

Ohhh. Senator Biden?

Did somebody say fried chicken?

Does anyone have a sharp object I could drive into my eye?

Brit-ster, let me be the first to say that this is a great idea to get everyone together to talk about this very important topic. I’d go so far as to call it DY-NO-MITE!

Sweet merciful Jesus.

Psst. Brit. Let’s keep this between us, OK?

Of course, Senator. I promise not to tell anyone that you’re wearing a Jimmy Walker mask.

You da man!

Well, mercifully, we’ve about run out of time-

Whoa, B-Man. I need to send a shout out before we go, news-dawg.

Of course you do.

I just wanna say w’sup to my homey Blark in the outer nebulla of Saturn.

That spaceman sh*t is whack, yo.

Said the Senator covered in shoe polish.

Don’t make me come ovah there and put a cap in yo ass, Dodd.

Nutter, please. You better recognize. Let me break it off for you like this:

Straight outta Hartford a crazy motherf**** named C-Dodd

Step to me, I’ll drown you off Cape Cod

Bust you in the mouth and toss yo ass off the boat

You better pray those XXXL ears can float.

This is Brit Hume, signing off.

Guest Editorial by Al Sharpton

When they framed OJ the first time, I was fairly reserved. I thought, “Hey, that might have been an honest mistake. It could happen to any law enforcement organization.” (Editor’s note: Okay, I didn’t really say that. I called them “bigoted, racist, honkey-ass honkey cracker mother-f******,” but I am taking a little poetic license here.)As the trial unfolded and it became even more clear that that corrupt police force had directed upwards of 97% of their already overtaxed resources towards besmirching the good name of a black football legend, I seethed but still said little.

My spirits were buyoed when the jury returned with a verdict of “innocent.” However, that feeling of elation was short-lived as a civil court (clearly not aware of who the real victim was) ordered Simpson to pay an exorbitant sum to the family of alleged murderee and confirmed Jew, Ronald Goldman.

Which brings us to today. Dateline Las Vegas, Nevada (which, you will note is most decidedly outside of the jurisdiction of the Los Angeles Police Department). The LAPD is demonstrating once again that their reach does not exceed their grasp as they are attempting to pin yet another violent crime on the former Naked Gun star and African-American hero.

However, much like the first set-up, many questions remain unanswered. Among them:

• Do you find it curious that the LAPD waited for superstar attorney Johnny Cochran’s death before reframing Simpson? I do. Although I can’t say I blame them for wanting to avoid his brilliant legalese delivered in Earth-shatteringly rhythmic verse. 
• Who was it the LAPD found to mimic Simpson’s voice in those threatening audio clips? I don’t know. However, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Rich Little cannot account for his whereabouts around the time the alleged crime occurred.
• Was it even an impostor? Does the LAPD have anyone on the force who has expertise in Jedi mind-control techniques? (Chillingly, my souces have discovered that 98% of the LAPD have seen at least one film in the Star Wars trilogy, a trilogy by the way which features only two prominent black characters. The first, Lando Calrissian played by Billy Dee Williams, is portrayed as a gambler and a turncoat. The second is that Jedi played by Samuel L. Jackson, which doesn’t even count since all Hollywood movie contracts now have clauses in them that call for Jackson to have at least a minor role.)
• Where was Mark Fuhrman during this period of time? And on the same topic, isn’t it fascinating that a racist like Fuhrman has found a home as a regular contributor on the equally racist Fox News Channel?

I have not even spoken to OJ yet, but I can tell you what happened. OJ was at his home minding his own business, doing some fundraising work for his inner-city leprosy foundation, and trying to think up ways to pay off the ridiculous verdict awarded to the family of the moneylender (as if they need any more money).  An LAPD cop disguised as Kato Kaelin came to the door and they had a tearful reunion. After luring OJ into his car, the Kaelin-clone slipped him a rufie and it was off to Vegas. Bam. Once again the LAPD has placed OJ at the scene of a crime.

As far as what happened next, your guess is as good as mine. However, I can tell you this. It wasn’t OJ that robbed that boy. If it was, he was most likely under the control of some nefarious characters.  If he wasn’t under the control of some nefarious characters, than he was obviously pushed over the edge with grief after losing his wife all those years ago. How about some modicum of sympathy and respect for the grieving?

Guest Editorial by Grand Kleagle Jackson

I can honestly say that I never thought I’d find myself agreeing with a colored, but danged if that Whoopi Goldberg fella doesn’t make a boatload of sense. Now, I don’t know too much about Mr. Goldberg, and he’s not the type I’d typically have over for a social visit, although I have to admit that I rooted for him in that movie where he hunted down Arnold, that cross-dressing wrestler, and the negro fighter from the Rocky films. So when I heard him speak out in support of Michael Vick by saying that dogfighting is a tradition among the coloreds from the Deep South that should be respected, my first instinct was to reach for my trusty lighter, a gallon of gasoline, and a length of rope. But then I got to thinking. Tradition. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Now, there are many types of traditions involving coloreds here in the South. Speaking as someone who has seen his own personal traditions and viewpoints stomped on by out-of-control political correctness, I certainly agree with Mr. Goldberg that tradition must be protected at all costs.

Take the term “coloreds” for instance. This is an innocuous, traditional Southern term used to describe savage African beasts of burden. Unfortunately, in a cruel break with my people’s custom, this word is now considered offensive by many and is taboo in most circles. And unless you’re one of them gibberish-spewing, latter-day minstrels they call “rappers”, you can’t use the word n***** at all. (See? The chicken-shit editor just blocked it out.) If you do, you’ll have to apologize on national tv while wearing a “World’s # 1 Al Sharpton Fan!!” t-shirt. That’s not all, they also garnish 85% of your wages for the rest of your life. It happened to my friend Hank’s cousin. I’m not even kidding.

The madness does not end there. Did you know that in most Southern states it is now considered a “hate crime” to draw and quarter a negro? Oh yeah, it’s true. Don’t even think about setting them on fire any more. Heavens no. And just try advocating for the traditional Southern custom of slavery at a dinner party nowadays. You’ll be standing alone on one side of the room with people pointing at you faster than if you were Rosie O’Donnell with a bowlful of hot wings and a misfiring gastrointestinal tract. Whatever happened to protecting the white man’s traditions?

That is why I was so heartened to hear a black man talking sense for a change, even though protecting my traditions will likely have an adverse affect on him personally. Mr. Goldberg clearly understands that a larger issue is at stake here. We could all learn a thing or two from him.

Faced with the difficult prospect of not being black enough to receive endorsements from Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and many other leaders in the African-American community, Senator Barack Obama has decided to take action. Obama has unveiled a detailed plan that, some experts feel, will boost his street cred by a minimum of 125 percentage points and thus increase his chances of becoming this nation’s second ever black president.

“I am very pleased to see that Senator Obama is addressing his black deficiencies,” said Jackson. “The esteemed group of advisors that he has in place are more than qualified to assist him in getting in touch with his African-American roots.”

A study that Obama recently commissioned (conducted by notable black experts including rapper Snoop Dogg, singing legend Ike Turner, and Crips member Dontrell “Dookie Bear” Williams) has produced some fascinating and specific suggestions to improve his electability in the black community. 

The recommendations of the commission include:

• Lose the Volvo. A Volvo?!? A black man driving a Volvo?!?! Man, you might as well get “I love Dick Van Dyke” tatooed on your face. Are you out your damn mind?
• Demonstrate pimp-hand strength. Pick a trick at random. Rattle that melon. Rinse. Repeat.
• Punk down John Edwards during a nationally televised debate.
• Talk about the time you spent in “juvey.”
• Demand integration. Proceed to form exclusively black clubs, colleges, and organizations.
• Subtle language changes. When speaking about President Bush, change the wording from “this administration” to “them mother-f***ers right there.” 
• Threaten to “rip that damn weave” off of Hillary’s head.
• Downplay your voting record; play up your criminal record.
• More attitude. Tilt your hat sideways. Pull pants down to your knees exposing your boxer shorts, butt-crack, and lower sigmoid colon. Demand to be referred to as “Spoonie B.”

Jackson went on to say that Obama’s gains may be hard to detect via polls in the black community.

“We really try to discourage reading and other forms of fancy white man’s learning,” said Jackson. “In my experience I have found that asking black folks for their own opinion just clouds the issue. I have graciously offered to lend my own viewpoints instead.”    

Radio personality Dom Imus has come under a great deal of fire recently for calling members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team “nappy headed ho’s”. In an effort to smooth things over with the black community, Imus recently appeared on Reverend Al Sharpton’s radio program.

Imus noted that he learned several valuable lessons from his exchange with Sharpton.

“In retrospect it was a big mistake to call these women ‘nappy headed ho’s’ without having even cut one single rap album, ” said a contrite Imus. “I also regret that I neglected to smear any of the team members in human feces prior to my comments, which may drastically reduce the amount of money these women stand to receive in a civil suit later. These are mistakes that I will not make again.”

Despite Imus’s concessions, Sharpton remained highly critical of the controversial shock-jock.

“None of these crackers get it,” said Sharpton. “You can’t just make racist comments about a group of individuals like that and walk away unscathed. White people are always doing that stuff.”

In what some are calling an ill-conceived attempt to alleviate the damage to his image, Imus has had an Aunt Jemima portrait commissioned as a peace offering to Rutgers team members.

“The I-man knows how much those people like their pancakes,” said a spokesman for Imus. “He felt that this would be a nice conciliatory gesture. Much better than the life-sized Godzilla statue holding a driver’s ed manual he sent to that Asian group a few years back.”

TNOYF has discovered that Democratic Senator Barack Obama, who could be our nation’s second black president, has a relative who knew someone who may have owned a Ford Edsel in the late 1950s.

Researcher Dylan McGuinn made the shocking discovery while researching the history of the Obama family.

“This is the sort of thing that derails presidential campaigns,” said McGuinn. “And I don’t make this type of assertion lightly. However, the evidence is irrefutable. The simple fact of the matter is that Barack Obama’s maternal grandfather’s best friend’s third cousin on his father’s side knew a guy whose second grade teacher once owned an Edsel.”

Although members of the Obama camp have dismissed the charges as “baseless partisan attacks”, McGuinn maintains he has no political ax to grind.

“Look, I take no pleasure in being the one to break this sort of news,” said McGuinn. “But the facts are the facts. I’d much rather have found out that they owned Mustang’s or Thunderbird’s, like Newt Gingrich’s cousin’s best friend’s Little League coach, but that simply wasn’t the case.”

Other potentially damaging revelations on Obama uncovered by McGuinn:

• has an uncle who knew a guy who used to play in a Milli Vanilli tribute band
• used to date a girl whose old college roommate was quoted as saying she felt the film Ishtar was “underrated”
• although he would not go as far as to call John Edwards a “f*ggot”, Obama himself has gone on the record as saying that Edwards has “an overabundance of man-pretty”

Obama was unavailable for comment as he was taking the midterm exam for his “Blackness 101″ class taught by former president Bill Clinton.

Guest Editorial by Al Sharpton

When The Nose On Your Face asked for my thoughts on the Duke rape case, I hesitated.  First, they already have Ike Turner as a guest columnist, and I don’t want to mess with Mr. Turner.  I’ve seen what that crazy black man can do when he thinks a brother is movin’ in on his space, be it a b-tch or a guest column. Second, why should I write for a blog that has a freaky-eyed mutant white guy on the banner?  That boy looks like the bastard gay-love child of Max Headroom and Chris Matthews.  Makes me scream every time I open the damn page.  But finally, and most importantly, I got a big problem with all the Nutella-talk on this blog.  While the creamy hazelnut spread may be an irresistible European taste sensation, the sh-t is the same color as Barack Obama.  And Obama, my friends, is not a black man.   He’s Hawaiian.  Huge fu-kin’ difference.  You got doubts? Listen to Don Ho sing “Tiny Bubbles” and try to tell me that’s the place that’s going to produce the future of the black movement.  That Obama boy wouldn’t know a brother if he stood up in his gazpacho.

All that to the side, I felt I had to write anyway, even though all I’m getting for my effort is one of these awful Islamic Rage Boy Shirts.  Sh-t, these boys Potfry and Buckley seem to think they’ve stumbled on the next freakin’ Hula-Hoop with this Islamic Rage Boy nonsense.  Don’t get me wrong, I can be a mean son of a bitch, but there’s something just pathetically sad about a couple of deluded white boys constantly checking their g-d-damn website to see how many Islamic Rage Boy T-Shirts they HAVE NOT sold.   

So, to the subject at hand: the Duke Rape case.   I have watched from afar the unfolding of events in Durham County, North Carolina with something approximating merriment.  Let me first review the facts:  Exhibit A: Injured poor black stripper. Exhibit B: Rich white college boys.  Ladies and gentlemen, one would think it’s pretty hard to screw this one up, right?  Just bring the two parties together, stir vigorously, and watch. I mean, I do this with my eyes closed, folks.  It ain’t complicated.

But wait. There’s another ingredient.

Exhibit C: District Attorney Mike Nifong.  Lily-white, blond and smiling, Mr. Nifong looks like he’s in between playing 9 at the Cracker Country Club and racing to his kid’s soccer game. This ladder-climbing albino with sushi in his teeth is going to be the SPARK of racism?!?  WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A GUY WHO THINKS BITCHING AT A PARKING LOT ATTENDANT ABOUT THE SMELL OF KFC IN HIS BMW CONSTITUTES INTERACTING WITH BLACK PEOPLE!

Yes, this case was doomed from the start.  Mr. Nifong simply committed every single mistake a rookie race-baiter can make.  I mean, did he learn anything from my deft handling of the Tawana Brawley case?  Who, in their right mind, produces a rape victim that IS NOT covered in animal feces?   No racial slurs written on her body?  These are basics, people.  You might as well not even play the game if you’re not going to understand the rules.

In sum, Mr. Nifong has set-back race-baiting at least a decade.  Which, in turn, has set back black people like…another century or something.  On top of the millennium we’ve already lost.  This simply makes the case for slavery reparations stronger, as I’m sure you can imagine.  More on that in the near future.

M’basa Okoye, a soldier from the Democratic Republic of Congo army’s elite Stegosaurus Brigade, is pictured waiting outside of actor/comedian Michael Richard’s house in the Los Angeles area. Okoye told Richard’s security detail that he is a big fan and means the actor no harm. Okoye went on to say, “I merely want to talk to the funny Kramer man about his success on Seinfeld, his Jewish upbringing and the possibility of slathering him with a paste made from honey and wildebeest milk, before burying him up to his neck in a fire ant mound.”

(AFP/Jose Cendon) 

Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney appeared on CNN with Wolf Blitzer yesterday afternoon to defend her actions stemming from an incident with a Capitol Police officer last week. McKinney struck the officer after he failed to recognize her and subsequently stopped her as she attempted to pass through a security checkpoint

McKinney noted that there was no reason that the officer should not have known who she was and at several times during the interview gently implied that the officer in question is a racist, such as the time she said, “The officer in question is a racist.”

During the course of the interview, with McKinney perhaps unaware, CNN flashed “before and after” shots of the congresswoman on the screen that showed a slight discrepancy between her old and new “looks”. Later in the interview McKinney did allow that she had changed her hairstyle slightly, but did not feel that this should have impacted the officer’s actions.

Thanks to: Pirate’s Cove, Basil, Conservative Cat, OTB

Technorati tags: Cynthia McKinney, conservative, satire, humor, Capitol police officer