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Many are questioning the authenticity of the now widely circulated video of the U.S./Iran naval confrontation earlier this week.

And for good reason. TNOYF has obtained an unaltered version of the incident, and it shockingly reveals the fingerprints of a third party– the French.

The news that an asteroid will pass close to Earth in 2036 prompted a group of scientists to recommend Saturday that the United Nations arrange an international space mission to deflect the threatening space rock.

France, however, immediately issued a statement urging restraint against “a seemingly lovely space rock we know nothing about,” and claimed that the United States was behind the call to take aggressive action.

“Once again, the United States is rattling sabers when diplomacy hasn’t had a chance to work,” said French spokesman Serge Betain.  “We must use the United Nations to convince the world that what appears to be a gargantuan existence-threatening boulder hurtling through space may actually be a peaceful mission from a far away planet.”

The French offered an alternative plan that calls for efforts to communicate with the asteroid via 24 hour broadcasting of a radio signal into space.   Against a back drop of Enya music, French actor Gerard Depardieu will apologize to the asteroid that the Earth is in its path and ask what the two celestial bodies can do together to avoid a catastrophe. 

Betain went on to slam the world for what he called “blatant Earth-centric thinking.”

“When you think about it, exactly who is in whose path?  Have we considered the point of view of the asteroid? Perhaps, as we speak, they are scurrying around planning to divert us.  How does that feel?”      

Long resigned to their role as the “Garfunkel” of the international punchline community, Belgium has seen their stock rise sharply on the news of the recent French presidential election. Nicolas Sarkozy’s vocal pro-American stance, along with his large margin of victory, may shift the balance of French-bashing away from the traditional favorites; the French.

“I have to be honest with you, I’m not all that familiar with the Belgians,” said Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania resident James Dyer. “But I better get up to speed quickly; they certainly aren’t going to just mock themselves. This election is a wake-up call for many of us in the France-mocking community, and we ignore the will of the people at our own peril.”

Dyer went on to say that although he does not know a great deal about Belgians, he does have some generic taunts “that can be utilized until more specific ones can be crafted.”

Experts say that more than anything, this election was a referendum on the cliched French taunting that has become prevalent in recent years.

“The French have given us so much material for so long, that it became almost too easy to mock them,” said veteran Francophobe Jack O’Malley. “Surrender, crepes, effeminate males, the f***ing beret? Comedy gold. I think that many people, myself included, have become complacent, lazy. On another note, let me be the first to welcome the gay, John Ritter-adoring, waffle-vendors of Belgium into their new role. You’ll be hearing from us.”

Portraits of Palestinians and Israelis were posted in pairs this week on Israel’s separation barrier as part of a French peace project (Face2Face) intended to highlight similarities between the people on both sides of the conflict.

The project hit a snag, however, when organizers could not find an Israeli suicide bomber to accompany the portrait of the Palestinian one.

“We’re still looking,” said artist Francois Mitterond. “We don’t want to disappoint the Palestinian suicide bomber we photographed. He wants to see his picture up before his day of martyrdom.”

The Swiss government announced Friday morning that they have received a letter of “full, unequivocal surrender” from the French government, apparently in response to an incident Thursday night when 170 Swiss infantry soldiers accidentally wandered across an unmarked border into the tiny country of Liechtenstein. The accidental incursion was quickly corrected when the Swiss troops, out searching for a buxom, disoriented beermaid who had lost her way from a ski chalet, realized that they had crossed over into Liechtenstein, a tiny country of 30,000 people which is often confused with a soft mossy fungus that grows on tree bark.

Despite the fact that the incident occurred nowhere near French territory (see map), the French were apparently taking no chances. According to reports, the French government at first planned to protest the “Swiss aggression” with a week-long strike and “Love-In,” but their military experts determined that, if force-marched, the Swiss troops and the chesty beer maid would be in Paris in several days. The decision was made to surrender.

French spokesman Pierre Renault felt that the rest of the world was underestimating the Swiss.

“The Swiss are brutal, cold killers,” he said. “Yes, we know their history and the facade of neutrality. But underneath that lurks the heart of a totalitarian dictatorship that wants to force skiing on humanity. First Liechtenstein, then who knows?”

Liechtenstein, for their part, seemed to take the incident in stride.

“If it’s not the drunk Austrians, it’s the lost Swiss,” said Orlan Fapo, the Head of Government and chief Liechtensteinian snow-plower. “At least the Swiss realized their mistake. Most of the time, people are through the country before they realize they were in it.”

The news that an asteroid will pass close to Earth in 2036 prompted a group of scientists to recommend Saturday that the United Nations arrange an international space mission to deflect the threatening space rock.

France, however, immediately issued a statement urging restraint against “a seemingly lovely space rock we know nothing about,” and claimed that the United States was behind the call to take aggressive action.

“Once again, the United States is rattling sabers when diplomacy hasn’t had a chance to work,” said French spokesman Serge Betain. “We must use the United Nations to convince the world that what we think is a life-threatening boulder hurtling through space may actually be a peaceful mission from a far away planet.”

The French offered an alternative plan that calls for efforts to communicate with the asteroid via 24 hour broadcasting of a radio signal into space.  Against a back drop of Enya music, French actor Gerard Depardieu will apologize to the asteroid that the Earth is in its path and ask what the two celestial bodies can do together to avoid a catastrophe.Â

Betain went on to slam the world for what he called “blatant Earth-centric thinking.”

“When you think about it, exactly who is in whose path? Have we considered the point of view of the asteroid? Perhaps, as we speak, they are scurrying around planning to divert us. How does that feel?”

On the heels of his comments yesterday that it is “unfortunate” that Americans look through the world with an “American lens,” John Kerry has signed on with a French camera manufacturer to produce a line of French-flag adorned cameras. The former presidential hopeful said he hopes the new camera will remind Americans to pause and consider the feelings of other countries, particularly those who have long histories of deftly handling world issues.

Flights out of Paris’s Charles de Gaulle Airport were held up for over six hours yesterday after a routine security check reveled a cache of explosive materials concealed in an American tourist’s  anal cavity.

Gary Felchworth of Provincetown, Massachusetts, had already passed through the security checkpoint when an alert guard noticed a suspicious looking wedgie as he walked away.

“There was something not quite right about the man but I couldn’t put my finger on it at first,” said Pierre LeMieux. “When he walked away I noticed that his gait was a bit off and then I looked down. His was no naturally occurring wedgie.” 

LeMieux immediately called for back-up and the explosives were discovered shortly after a more thorough, though somewhat less comfortable, search. 

For his part, Felchworth maintains he is innocent and that the explosives were intended for “personal use.”   

“I really don’t know what the fuss is about,” said a visibly shaken Felchworth. “We do this all the time in Massachusetts. We even have a name for it; ‘The Cape Cod Colon Scrambler.’ I’d expect this sort of treatment in Texas or Oklahoma, but I thought that the French were supposed to be a lot more progressive than this.”

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After initially standing strong with other nations by insisting that Iran stop enriching uranium as a condition for new negotiations on the Iranian nuclear program, the French slipped back into default mode this week.

In what some geopolitical observers are calling a “make-up call” for earlier tough talk, French President Jacques Chirac asserted that Iran will now not have to freeze major nuclear activities until after talks begin and that France opposes any sanctions on that country and any other country, opining that “sanctions never work.”

One veteran France watcher was quick to point out that this recent shying away from confrontation is actually a step forward for that nation.

“It is not fair to judge France by the same standards that we use with other countries,” said noted Gallic expert Lars Nilsson. “They have a long history of conflict avoidance with which they must contend. For Mr. Chirac to hold this firm for this long is really quite impressive French-wise.”

A Chirac spokesman was loath to admit that the French had backed off of their hard line stance noting that his country still refuses to export both Brie and hand-knitted berets to Iran.

In a related story, a big congratulations goes out to TNOYF intern Samantha Cavalier who correctly guessed “September 18th” in the office “French Capitulation Pool”. Nice work Sam.

Many people believe that the recent civil unrest in France can be traced to one or more of several factors. These typically include: failure of the North African Muslim immigrant population to assimilate into French society, poverty and the failure of the French Socialist system.

While there may be some truth to the above, our French sources tell TNOYF that other crucial (and unreported) causes of the Muslim riots abound. They include the following:

• Daily taunts thrown at them by the French (Including: “Le Raghead“, “Seventy-two virgins? You wouldn’t even know what to do with like thirty three!“, “Hey, nice code ‘Ham-on-rye-bee’!”).
• Listening to that French accent. Over and over. Everywhere.
• Crepes.
• Being made to feel like second-class citizens. By the French.
• Those damn Google ads.
• America.
• That whole Jerry Lewis thing. WTF?

Which begs the question: If any of us had to suffer these humiliations, what might our reaction be?

Thanks to OTB, Mudville.

The Nose On Your Face has received reports from reliable sources that after holding out for a lengthy (and decidedly non-French) amount of time, France has finally surrendered to their assimilationally challenged Muslim community.

“I must say that I am upset with our president for not ceding the country after the first signs of unrest occurred,” said Dominique Chateaux. “If the government wants to act like big tough bully boys, then why spend all that money on the Velcro symbol holder on top of the Eiffel Tower?” 

A French official noted that the government did have a plan prior to the surrender. However, the initial boxing-themed strategy of letting the rioters “punch themselves out” did not work as well as expected.

Update: Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy threatens to put a monkey wrench in the surrender plans by displaying further un-French-like behavior.

Image ruthlessly pilfered from our good friends at File It Under.

Thanks to The Political Teen & Mudville.

The morning after an unprecedented eighth night of rioting in a northeastern Paris suburb, an exhausted but proud group of young Muslim participants awoke to discover that they had been named honorary United States sports fans. This news clearly buoyed the spirits of rioters who feared that their efforts had gone unnoticed by those in the know.

“This is being too much,” gushed Allah Al Ahh Ahh Chou, a Religion of Peace Studies major and riot participant.”My personal bloodcurdling disdain for America and their hated Jew allies is far outweighed by the honor of being placed among the pantheon of the world’s greatest rioters. This is an honor we are all most pleased to receive.”

The Franco-Muslim rioters ability has even drawn them grudging praise from some die-hard American sports fans.

“As a college student who happens to be a huge sports fan- Go Buckeyes! Woo-hoo!!-  I am of two minds,” stated Ohioan Chad Jennings. “As a purist I have to admire the sheer quality and duration of the rioting. As an American citizen I hope that this sends a signal to the rest of my countrymen. The world is catching up with us. Yeah, we used to lead the world in sports-related riots but the gap has been closed. That whole soccer thing should have tipped us off. Anyhow, my hat is of to those French guys.”

Thanks to:TMH’s Bacon Bits, MacStansbury Wizbang! Don Surber, Point Five, What Attitude Problem?, The Political Teen, OTB, Mudville.

Morbid predictions regarding the deadly potential of the Avian Flu Virus have begun to come true in the formerly tranquil north of France. The disease appears to have taken a foothold right in the heart of Paris itself, with new cases being reported daily in the vicinities of Lille and Metz.

“It is a very difficult thing to contain in a country like France,” stated Dr. Katelyn Dyer of the Center for Disease Control. “Let’s just say that cold winters, lusty Frenchmen and tantalizingly plump chickens are a recipe for cross-species contamination.”

And that, experts say, is the greatest concern. If the disease were to spread to the notoriously promiscuous(even by French standards) pollatto community, the death toll could be staggering.

Health officials recommend avoiding travel to France for the time being. If you must go, they suggest staying clear of poultry farms, telephone wires and sidewalk cafes.

Update: The first confirmed pollatto death from Avian Flu has been confirmed.

Thanks to OTB, The Political Teen & Mudville.

In keeping with the national French policy of preemptive surrender, The Louvre Museum in Paris recently accepted a $20 million donation from billionaire Saudi Prince Alaweed bin Talal for a new Islamic Art Wing. 

Talal was at the center of controversy after the 9/11 attacks when he made disparaging comments regarding the United States Middle Eastern policies. Mayor Rudolph Giuliani subsequently turned down Talal’s $10 million offer to the families of the victims. Giuliani went on to make several unprintable comments regarding Talal’s mother, some spoiled hummus and a swarthy goat.

This artistic alliance represents yet another change in preferences for the historically fickle French.

“Traditionally the French have always given ‘preferential capitulation’ status to Germany,” noted one expert on Gallic matters. “However, over the past fifteen to twenty years there has been a subtle yet steady shift towards the Middle East when looking for a most-favored-aggressor. This new Islamic Wing further demonstrates the cementing of that relationship.” 

Indeed, a recent Le Opinion Francois poll shows that when given their choice of aggressors to cede to, nearly seven in ten Frenchmen chose Islamofascists. Germany locked up the nostalgia vote and came in at second with twenty percent.    

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to OTB, Mudville and The Jawa Report.