Guest Editorial by Al Sharpton

When they framed OJ the first time, I was fairly reserved. I thought, “Hey, that might have been an honest mistake. It could happen to any law enforcement organization.” (Editor’s note: Okay, I didn’t really say that. I called them “bigoted, racist, honkey-ass honkey cracker mother-f******,” but I am taking a little poetic license here.)As the trial unfolded and it became even more clear that that corrupt police force had directed upwards of 97% of their already overtaxed resources towards besmirching the good name of a black football legend, I seethed but still said little.

My spirits were buyoed when the jury returned with a verdict of “innocent.” However, that feeling of elation was short-lived as a civil court (clearly not aware of who the real victim was) ordered Simpson to pay an exorbitant sum to the family of alleged murderee and confirmed Jew, Ronald Goldman.

Which brings us to today. Dateline Las Vegas, Nevada (which, you will note is most decidedly outside of the jurisdiction of the Los Angeles Police Department). The LAPD is demonstrating once again that their reach does not exceed their grasp as they are attempting to pin yet another violent crime on the former Naked Gun star and African-American hero.

However, much like the first set-up, many questions remain unanswered. Among them:

• Do you find it curious that the LAPD waited for superstar attorney Johnny Cochran’s death before reframing Simpson? I do. Although I can’t say I blame them for wanting to avoid his brilliant legalese delivered in Earth-shatteringly rhythmic verse. 
• Who was it the LAPD found to mimic Simpson’s voice in those threatening audio clips? I don’t know. However, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Rich Little cannot account for his whereabouts around the time the alleged crime occurred.
• Was it even an impostor? Does the LAPD have anyone on the force who has expertise in Jedi mind-control techniques? (Chillingly, my souces have discovered that 98% of the LAPD have seen at least one film in the Star Wars trilogy, a trilogy by the way which features only two prominent black characters. The first, Lando Calrissian played by Billy Dee Williams, is portrayed as a gambler and a turncoat. The second is that Jedi played by Samuel L. Jackson, which doesn’t even count since all Hollywood movie contracts now have clauses in them that call for Jackson to have at least a minor role.)
• Where was Mark Fuhrman during this period of time? And on the same topic, isn’t it fascinating that a racist like Fuhrman has found a home as a regular contributor on the equally racist Fox News Channel?

I have not even spoken to OJ yet, but I can tell you what happened. OJ was at his home minding his own business, doing some fundraising work for his inner-city leprosy foundation, and trying to think up ways to pay off the ridiculous verdict awarded to the family of the moneylender (as if they need any more money).  An LAPD cop disguised as Kato Kaelin came to the door and they had a tearful reunion. After luring OJ into his car, the Kaelin-clone slipped him a rufie and it was off to Vegas. Bam. Once again the LAPD has placed OJ at the scene of a crime.

As far as what happened next, your guess is as good as mine. However, I can tell you this. It wasn’t OJ that robbed that boy. If it was, he was most likely under the control of some nefarious characters.  If he wasn’t under the control of some nefarious characters, than he was obviously pushed over the edge with grief after losing his wife all those years ago. How about some modicum of sympathy and respect for the grieving?

Eager for a return to their NBA glory days, the championship-starved New York Knicks are taking steps to ensure that success is on the horizon. To that end, the team has proposed a revolutionary new contract to their star point guard, Stephon Marbury, that has some unique incentives built in. Among these is a “euthanasia clause” that would come into play were the player to fail to lead the team into at least the Eastern Conference Finals.

“I’d love to take credit for the idea, but it was really Stephon’s brainchild,” said Knicks GM Isaiah Thomas. “When I heard him weigh in on the Michael Vick case, I thought, ‘Wow. This is a guy who is ready to lead by example.’ We hope to use Stephon’s contract as a template for the rest of the team in the future.”

Sensing the positive wheels-of-change in motion, many Knicks fans are understandably excited about the new direction of the team.

“I think it’s great,” said lifelong Knicks fan Anthony ‘Tony Hoops’ Giacavuzzi. “And I happen to agree with Stephon. Basketball’s just a game. Like dogfighting, German snuff films, or soccer in Uday’s Iraq. These new incentives should really bring out the best in the team. And if not, well then at least we have a brutal public execution to look forward to. Go Knicks!”

Guest Editorial by Barry Bonds Genitalia-

Well it’s finally over and Hank Aaron’s vaunted home run record has fallen. It took a lot of hard work from both Barry and I to get to this point, but it was worth it. We deserve this honor. Barry has been a model professional and maintained a spartan workout regimen throughout his career, and I have contributed greatly to the effort as well.

We achieved these goals in spite of the best efforts of the buttocks who took every opportunity to gripe about a mysteriously recurring pricking sensation and his so-called “acne problem.” Hey, I’ve learned to live with the right hand keeping me more or less in a constant choke hold. We’ve all got our crosses to bear. Would it kill you just for once to man up and be a team player?

Unfortunately, during a time that should be all about celebration and joy, there remain many naysayers out there who question the ethics of this baseball legend. Allegations of steroid use continue to hang over our heads which threatens to put an asterisk alongside Barry’s home run record.

As one who is very close to the situation, I say these charges are rubbish. I am no physician, but from what I know, steroids are supposed to bulk you up. Create massive amounts of muscle. I can testify that this is not the case here.

Barry and I have stuck to a strict fitness and diet plan that has enabled us to maintain our physical well-being for many years. Sure Barry has added a bit of muscle, but eating right and getting plenty of exercise has a lot to do with that. Hello, can anyone say “protein shakes?”

And take a look at me. I am in the best shape of my life. I haven’t been this fit and trim since my schoolboy days. In fact, at my recent physical I learned that I am actually below my birth weight. I can already smell the jealousy from the other guys at my upcoming high school reunion!

I hope this puts the rumors of steroid use to bed once and for all.

Related: Asterisk Says It Wants No Part Of Barry Bonds Record; Suggests Question Mark “Step Up For Once”

Fresh off of his team’s stunning victory at the recently completed Asian Cup, Iraqi national team captain Younis Mahmoud took the opportunity to say that he would like to see America out of his homeland, and that he wished they “didn’t invade Iraq” in the first place. To the surprise of many, Mahmoud went on to assert that by freeing Iraq’s soccer team from the notoriously brutal grip of Saddam’s son Uday, America actually made their task more difficult.

“Yes, yes, yes, America always knows best don’t they?” Mahmoud asked rhetorically. “Coming into my country and shaking things up; destroying years of tradition. I actually had one of the American’s tell me that with Uday gone, I should have motivation to win - get this- for myself and my “newly freed country.” Well let me tell you something my friend. You want motivation? Try taking a penalty kick with a wood chipper staring at you from behind the net. Try playing a must-win World Cup qualifier with a remote-detonated explosive device strapped to your man parts. And don’t even get me started about how we used to run suicides. That is motivation. Save the ‘Gipper’ stories for foolish schoolgirls.”

A U.S. military spokesman had the following to say.

“I can certainly see where Mr. Mahmoud is coming from,” said Captain Rick Corlett. “I have a bit of a nostalgic streak myself. That is why we are going to leave, but not before we put things right. As we speak I am having my men re-mine the soccer fields and dust off the genital dart guns. Obviously we cannot reinstate Uday as Minister of Sport, but we were able to work out an early release deal with Charles Manson.”

Mahmoud called the gesture “a good start” and went on to say that although Manson “is no Uday, he does have an impressive body of work; even by Middle Eastern standards.”

As baseball fans heatedly debate the merits of Barry Bonds’ inevitable ascendance to career home run king, a different controversy surfaced yesterday when the asterisk, the star-like typographical symbol expected by many to appear alongside Bonds’ place in the record books to denote the slugger’s steroid use, announced that it wanted “no part” of Bonds’ record. In the shocking announcement, a visibly testy asterisk said the association with the slugger’s tarnished image would sully its “storied reputation” and perhaps impact its ability to find meaningful work in the future.

“I usually try to stay out of controversy, but Barry Bonds is a pompous, narcissistic fool,” said the asterisk. “I’m drawing the line. It’s time some other punctuation marks start to carry some of this dirty water. In fact, I’ll call out the question mark. Why don’t we put the very symbol of uncertainty, doubt and improbability alongside Mr. Bonds’ skid mark in the record book? WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE ASTERISK?”

The question mark was unavailable for comment. A phone call to its home was answered by the semi-colon, who said the question mark was attending a seminar on the proper use of conjunctive adverbs with the apostrophe and the ellipsis. But the semi-colon offered some insight into the debate.

“Look, the asterisk has a point; we all need to take a good look at this,” he said. “I, for one, thought this might be a great opportunity for the ampersand to step up and recover from the Hall & Oates tragedy. But it might just be that the horrid responsibility of having linked the two guys who wrote the song Maneater is too much to overcome.”

Update:  A representative for the period told our sources that a blockbuster deal with the asterisk was scuttled this morning.  Details are sketchy, but the period had offered to assume responsibility for Bonds’ record in exchange for being relieved of its responsibility as the shorthand expression for a woman’s menstrual cycle.  The deal imploded when the National Organization for Women threatened to abandon all punctuation usage entirely if women were forced to say, “Oh crap, I just got my asterisk.”

Update 2:  The umlaut ¨ reportedly offered its services to the asterisk without condition but was turned down for being “too French, even for Barry Bonds.”  When the asterisk was told that the umlaut appears in several other European languages, it responded, “Oh, no, does this mean that they won’t like us?  Cause I’m really worried about pissing off the Europeans right now, when my entire existence is about to be associated with a guy who looks like an over-cooked Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.  Really.  Let me check the old asterisk-priority list pronto, cause heaven forbid we PISS OFF THE EUROPEANS, THE FOLKS WHO BROUGHT US THE GODFORSAKEN TILDE (~),  BASICALLY A WANDERING, SPINELESS DASH THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SAY “NYAH.” 

Guest Editorial

by Sampson the Dog

After watching the nauseating spectacle that the Michael Vick dogfighting situation has become over the past week - combined with the fact that I used to mix it up a bit myself back in the day- I felt I had to weigh in to set the record straight on a few things.

First, I am a dog. I socialize exclusively with dogs (and occasionally Gary Busey). As far as we can tell, neither I nor any of my canine companions have ever asked PETA to speak up for us on anything. Ever. I mean. have you seen these f***ing people? Look, I may lick my own balls from time to time, and on the odd occasion I have been known to eat my friends’ feces, but I need PETA’s endorsement like Ted Kennedy’s liver needs some further discoloration. Thanks guys, but we’ve got this one covered.

Second, media coverage. I can only take so many Michael Vick questions. Unless Anna Nicole Smith is resurrected, matriculates into college, goes on spring break to the Caribbean, and ends up getting eaten by drug-dealing reef sharks, we’ll never hear the end of this. However, the daywalker Van Sustern has been strangely subdued on the whole matter. Let’s hope it stays that way.

And finally, no one has actually talked to me or my friends about whether or not we actually want to fight to the death. Many of us do. It’s not like we have a ton of options. Guide dog for the blind? It sounds like fun, but after the novelty of leading your owner into gay porno bookstores or bringing him home to the wrong house wears off, it gets to be a bit dull. House dog? I don’t think so. We left the plantation behind us a long time ago. Firehouse dog? Let’s see, the firemen get turbo-charged hoses, hi-tech communications equipment, and wear state-of-the-art, flame-resistant clothing. We get to sport fur coats, bare paws, and exposed genitalia. Seems fair. Thanks guys, but I’ll take my chances duking it out in the ring with a hungry pit bull.

These must be some of the same do-gooders who kept complaining about dwarf-tossing a few years back, and finally got it banned. I’m sure the dwarf citizenry is thrilled that their career options are now limited to being Bingo the Clown’s helper at children’s parties and appearances as extras in Ron Jeremy’s It’s A Small Hole (After All) film series.

Sampson out. Kidding. I just like to f*** with that Twinkie-juggler Seacrest.

Does the mystical Gyroball (pronounced YEE-roh) exist? No one knows for certain, but the Kansas City Royals are willing to gamble $7.5K to find out. The Royals outbid the perennially big spending Florida Marlins earlier this week, inking Greek pitching phenom Yagana Swinganamis to a 5-year deal.

Just mention the word “Gyroball” (pronounced YEE-roh) in the midst of baseball fans and you are likely to spark a heated debate, the likes of which makes Lincoln-Douglas look like a bad Little Rascals Skit. The problem is, no one can say for sure if they have seen it.

“Based on the people that our scouts have interviewed, this kid throws the real deal,” said Royals General Manager Dayton Moore. “Granted, none of the scouts speak a word of Greek, but Jimmy Sanders does own Troy on DVD. The editor’s cut. Anyways, we are excited about the things we’ve seen.”

The pitch, based on complicated double souvlaki physics, is reportedly impossible to hit. Slugger George Tzatzikionmahdik of the Mykonos Felchers won’t testify to seeing a Gyroball (pronounced YEE-roh), but he certainly saw something strange.

“I can’t say for sure what it was,” recalls Tzatzikionmahdik, “It left his hand hot, like saganaki… oopa!!… and then crumbled at the plate like a good feta would.”

The majority of Greek players, however, claim it is nothing more than hype. Philo Beto of the Athens Bathhouser’s is no exception. “The kid throws a great breaking ball and that’s it. Why is that so hard to swallow? Greek men have been swallowing worse things for years. This is no exception. I mean, c’mon, spare me all of this Gyroball (pronounced YEE-roh) talk.”

Whether or not Swinganamis actually throws the mystical gyroball (pronounced YEE-roh) remains to be seen. The Kansas City Royals are just hoping the 23-year-old generates enough buzz to at least fill the seats. As Royals catcher John Buck put it, “I don’t care what it is, as long as its sweet… like baklava.”

Bodybuilder Kathy Brennan (R) of Washington, D.C., applies a coat of colon tanner to fellow athlete Forrest before the Physique competition at the Gay Games VI in Evanston, Illinois. (REUTERS/John Gress)

Gay Games VI participant wrestler Kevin Servais is pictured threatening to break his own arm unless “something is done about those dreadful locker rooms.” (REUTERS/John Gress)

Jody Diehl (L) and Phil Pessin put to rest once and for all the age old question: “Can figure skating in fact get any gayer?” (REUTERS/John Gress)

    Togo’s Emmanuel Adebayor (R) reacts after learning of Howard Dean’s recent statements regarding the Bush administration’s lack of military service from Paraguayan referee Carlos Amarilla during a Group G World Cup 2006 match in Dortmund. In a display of sportsmanship common to “footballers”, Switzerland’s Patrick Mueller (L) moves in to comfort his distraught opponent. Reportedly, Adebayor was particularly dismayed by the hypocrisy Dean displayed since Dean himself received a draft deferment and spent his time during the Vietnam War “skiing, bumming around, hitting the slopes and drinking impressive amounts of beer.” In a post-game interview Adebayor was quick to admit that although Dean’s aforementioned deferment and leisure time activities do not give him much credibility when it comes to criticizing the president, they do in fact qualify him as an honorary Kennedy. (Reuters)

Technorati tags: World Cup, soccer, Howard Dean, politics, conservative, satire, Bush, humor

Portuguese soccer star Deco prepares for the charge of an unidentified teammate during a World Cup training ground session of “O Matador de Testículos”. Many in the Reproductive Organs Rights community feel that the bullfighting simulation is too dangerous (seventeen groin-goring’s and eleven punctured scrota this year alone) and should be banned. However, in the opinion of one OMT purist “the game will be kept alive even if it means taking it off of the soccer pitch and into the unregulated back alleys of the world.” (Reuters)    

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: World Cup, soccer, satire, humor

Former English soccer superstar Wayne Rooney is pictured above displaying the form that helped win his new club, Squidgy Starkers FC, the championship of the English Lager League. Until he left the squad, most of England’s World Cup hopes had been pinned on Rooney’s rather thick neck. For his part, Rooney claims he is delighted to be playing in a less demanding league which in turn leaves him more time for “getting bladdered” and “seeing to my John Thomas.”

Barry Bonds, (pictured at left being led off the field by his personal trainer), breathed new life into the baseball world this past Sunday when he hit his 715th major league home run and in the process moved into second place on the all-time list surpassing the legendary Babe Ruth and now trailing only Hank Aaron.

Dogged for years by accusations of steroid use, what should have been a moment of redemption for the San Francisco Giant ended in tragedy when during a victory lap Bonds sprained his right hind leg and will reportedly have to be put down.

In a related matter, while Harry Reid did in fact pay to attend this historic game, he did admit to having all of his Cracker Jacks and ballpark franks “comped“.

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: Harry Reid, Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth,715, home runs, baseball, satire, humor

Fellow fiction writer and erstwhile Oprah Winfrey pal James Frey, has come forward with some stunning new allegations that may open the door to further sex-related, criminal charges against the Duke University men’s lacrosse team. Frey, known for authoring the best-selling book “A Million Little Pieces“, is alleging that he was repeatedly raped over a period of months by Blue Devil’s players as well as by the team’s masked, cape-sporting mascot. 

Frey released the following statement via his lawyer, Clarence Darrow:

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I am referring of course to my re-entry into the ‘hard-partying, vomit-riddled, hypodermics-in-my-crank’, world of blackouts and madness that occurred after I was sabotaged by my former friend Oprah on national tv. I felt so betrayed by her actions, that I picked up right where I left off with my Criminal activities. So what did our hero do? I packed up a case of bottom-shelf scotch and some household cleaning supplies and hit the road in my beat up, ‘78 Hummer.

I drove around for days. Maybe it was weeks. Hell, it might have been only a few minutes. Actually, I can’t even recall if I actually pulled out of the driveway. Anyways, the next thing I knew, I saw a sign that read ‘South Bend, Indiana’. So I said to myself, ‘Hey James, you’re a big Duke fan. As long as you’re in town catch up with the lacrosse team. Those boys know how to party.’

So I’m at the lax house sniffing bleach from the ass-neck of a hooker who has both sets of sex organs, and the next thing I know I feel a set of hands on my hips. I figure that horny bastard Teddy Kennedy just got back from the Nice-N-Easy and he’s ready for round two. But then I feel another set of hands. Then another. And another. So now I’m thinking, ‘There aren’t that many Kennedy’s left. Hell, I’m not sure there were even that many to begin with. What the f*** is going on back there?’

So I turn around and there they were. The entire team and that sadistic mascot too. Laughing. Mocking. Eating Corn Flakes. Yeah, the Corn Flakes thing threw me off too. When they were finished with me, they threw me in the cellar where they would come to have their way with me throughout the day. Every day. As near as I can figure this went on for months.

It wasn’t all bad though. I met some really interesting individuals while I was in that basement. Courtney Love was in the next cell over from me. I struck up a good friendship with a nice chinchilla named ‘Goomey’. And Christopher Walken was in and out pretty regularly, although he was there on a strictly voluntary basis. Dude is creepy.   

So help me Santa Claus, everything that you have just read is true. However, for the rest of my harrowing adventures be sure to buy my new book ‘Children Of The Cornhole’ which is due out this summer. “ 

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: James Frey, Duke, Duke Lacrosse, rape, satire, humor 

A growing body of evidence is mounting that points to an inevitable, and quite incredible, conclusion with regard to terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden. The Nose On Your Face is reporting today that the Al Qaeda front-man is not only alive, but that he has been living in the United States on and off for many years as NBA journeyman center Shawn Bradley.   

At least one of “Bradley’s” former teammates agrees with this claim.

“Man, we all have some crazy pre-game rituals,” said the player who asked to not be identified. “Me? I have to wear my underwear inside out and drive the exact same route to every one of our home games while humming ‘I’m A Little Teapot’. But this cat… this cat was off the wall. Before each game he would videotape himself cutting off the head of the other team’s mascot. Next he’d brutally stab six bagels… it had to be six, you did not want to see what happened if he only had five… with a dagger. Finally he would set fire to a Lenny Kravitz CD; American Woman. And I like that song.”

Terrorism expert Harley Wakefield also backs this assertion.

“Aside from the fact that the two men have never been seen together, let’s look at what we know,” stated Wakefield. “Bin Laden often talks of 72 virgins, Bradley is in fact a 7′2” virgin. Our code breakers were all over this one. Both men are quite religious and they consistently get muscled out of the paint. Neither one of them has a Danish cartoon collection. Furthermore, Bradley is known to disappear for long stretches during games and Bin Laden’s ability to remain hidden goes without saying.”

We believe that this photograph from the mid-1990’s of Bin Laden/Bradley with reluctant ally Saddam Hussein further cements this claim.

Technorati tags: Shawn Bradley, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, terrorism, Danish Cartoon, satire, humor

Thanks to: Mudville