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Are you freakishly obsessed with the daily casualty count in Iraq? Do you find yourself disappointed when a day or two goes by and no American soldiers die? Have you ever been at a cocktail party and said, “How can we be so damn jovial when George Bush is responsible for a death toll in Iraq that is approaching one-tenth the total of British dead in the Second Boer War?”

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need the new Associated Press Pocket Iraq Casualty Counter! Now the information you need to make bizarre, extraneous points about the Iraqi War is at your fingertips, 24 hours a day! The Pocket Casualty Counter uses satellite technology to wirelessly provide instant updates on casualties, as they happen. And the Pocket Casualty Counter links the death toll with a historical database to provide you with the factual ammunition you need to battle those crazy neo-cons, on the go! So you’ll be able to say, “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but George Bush has now murdered 10 times the number of people who are eaten alive in an average decade by the Spotted Siberian Tiger.” Imagine the look of shock on their Christian fundamentalist faces!

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Comrade:

This is a simple test we use at The New York Times to ensure that our employees reflect a variety of social, political, and economic beliefs. Please read each question thoroughly, and then select your answer with a number 2 pencil. When you complete the exam, please place it in the box marked “Politburo” at the front of the room.

Remember, there are no wrong answers (except on questions 2,5,7,8,13 and 17).

If at any time you feel that you are being pressured in absentia by George Bush and his cronies, please notify a test monitor immediately.

1. Which of the following statements best describes your political leanings:

a. I consider myself a far more progressive Nancy Pelosi.

b. Bush lied, people died!

c. I have George Soros on speed dial.

d. I feel Stalin never really took it to that “next level.”

2. Complete the following: “Bush is to Hitler as…”

a. Jeffrey Dahmer is to Clay Aiken.

b. A serial rapist is to a benign snuggler.

c. Full-blown AIDS is to a hangnail.

d. A skyscraper is to Lincoln Logs.

3. The War in Iraq can best be described as:

a. An unmitigated disaster. And illegal.

b. The Mesopotamian Vietnam. And illegal.

c. Illegal. And Illegal.

d. Started by Bush on a dare from one of his “Skull & Bones” buddies after a week-long cocaine bender. And illegal.

4. You are a reporter in the field in Iraq. You come across a scene where you witness members of the resistance movement detonate an empty building, scatter teddy bears and children’s toys throughout the rubble, and douse the entire scene with goats’ blood. After a brief make-up session, they begin to wail at the sky while holding an unexploded shell casing that has “Infudell Xplosifs” written on the side in crayon. What do you do?

a. There are teddy bears in the rubble for goodness sake! I must set aside my training as an unbiased newsman and help dig the children out, although they were probably evaporated by the force of the blast.

b. Report the American soldiers’ war crimes to the proper authorities. In this case, the AP would have jurisdiction.

c. Apologize profusely for America’s punitive foreign policies that have forced these noble freedom fighters into such desperate measures, and then help to burn George Bush in effigy.

d. Immediately remove my Che Guevera t-shirt and replace it with an Osama bin Laden one to demonstrate my unity with the cause.

5. Why are conservatives so stupid?

a. Because if they were brilliant, they would then be called “liberals.”

b. Studies show that over time, repeatedly running over spotted owls in an SUV and then drinking their blood from your personalized “frat mug” can lower IQ’s by nearly 65%.

c. That is a patently unfair statement. It is not right to stereotype an entire ideology like that. I am deeply offended… almost had you! Actually, I think it’s because of lead exposure from their weekly oil baths.

d. Why is Rosie O’Donnell so reasonable? Why does Bush hate black people? I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.

6. Why do you think the victim in the Duke lacrosse case changed her story and lied for her white rapists?

a. Have you ever been cornered in an alley by ten college boys in full lacrosse gear?

b. Bush’s hit squad got to her.

c. Stockholm Syndrome.

d. It’s due to her low self-esteem resulting from Bush’s failed economic policies, which in turn forced her to earn her living as an exotic dancer.

7. Why is Europe so much better than America?

a. Because they drink espresso.

b. Because they do that cool thing with their pinkies when they drink their espresso.

c. Because they do that cool thing with their pinkies when they drink their espresso in chic little cafes with their legs crossed while exhorting mobs of disenfranchised Muslim youth to stand up against the evils of their intolerant Western oppressors.

d. Because they recognized the genius of Hasselhoff and Jerry Lewis when the Cro-Magnonesque American public could not.

8. Which best describes your feelings on abortion?

a. Hey, you have a bad tooth, you get it pulled. What’s the difference?

b. Abortion is necessary because condoms prevent mind-blowing orgasms.

c. The partial-birth abortion is the best of both worlds: it lets the mom see her baby briefly before it is brained.

d. Why the abortion option stops at birth is beyond me.

9. What do you see in this image?

a. Sanctified ovaries recently purged of a fetal infestation.

b. George Bush raping a baby harp seal while Ann Coulter holds it down and Karl Rove plays the harmonica.

c. A prenatal Che Guevera t-shirt.

d. The baby harp seal receiving a partial birth abortion.

10. Karl Rove leaves Washington DC in an over-sized, gas guzzling SUV traveling west at 1:30pm EST. Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld departs from San Francisco heading east in a fully armed Blackhawk helicopter that receives even more dreadful gas mileage at 2:25pm PST. Assuming there is a 15 mph wind blowing north to east, where will they meet up to plot the rape and destruction of yet another defenseless Third World country populated entirely by brown-skinned people?

a. This is a trick question. Rumsfeld was declared illegal in San Francisco back in 2002. The only remaining gun in that town has been kept in order to shoot him on sight if he ever attempts to return.

b. This is a trick question. Karl Rove is not a real person. He was invented by the right in order to strike fear into the hearts of liberals. Sort of like the Werewolf, Jesus Christ, and the Dread Pirate Roberts.

c. This is a trick question. There is no way to know where or even if they would meet up, since Rove’s SUV driver would clearly be operating under orders to run over any Mexicans, African-Americans, homosexuals, and Muslims on the way, thus causing innumerable stops. And Rumsfeld’s Blackhawk would be diverted to gun down spotted owl sanctuaries a minimum of several dozen times.

d . I hope Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld get gang-raped by a pack of Cape Buffaloes with elephantitus of the genitalia, while Susan Estrich sings an a cappella version of “Camptown Races” from atop the horns of the dominant male.

11. Your flight from San Francisco to New York is diverted due to the scaremongering tactics of the neo-con pilot who was concerned about the behavior of four Middle Eastern students in the back of the plane. These culturally-equal individuals were merely sanitizing their box cutters with a Bic lighter in preparation for an emergency cliterectomy they were set to perform on a whorish flight attendant who had offended their religious sensibilities by showing too much ankle. Your flight is forced to land in a red state. What do you do?

a. After soothing the wounds of the four Middle Eastern students with your All Things Are Possible Through Allah speech, you report the pilot’s completely unjustified, Islamophobic actions to the proper authorities. In this instance, CAIR has jurisdiction.

b. Consider the possibility that the plane slipped through a rip in the time-space continuum, and you are now in a neo-con parallel universe called “Ocla-home-a.”

c. After consulting your Red State Survival Guide, you immediately purchase a flannel shirt, put in a chaw of tobacco, tongue kiss your sister, and hold your hand over an open flame until your fingers become webbed, in order to blend in with the natives.

d. Reach into your carry-on and pull out your unabridged copy of The Complete Chomsky Companion, and ask the passenger in the next seat to beat you to death with it.

12. You are at your desk and you receive a call from one of the top U.S. commanders in Iraq with an exclusive story he wants to give to you, and only you. He claims he has irrefutable evidence (backed by video, extensive documentation, and eyewitness accounts from a wide variety of sources), that Al Qaeda in Iraq are being routed and the tide has turned strongly in favor of America and her allies. How do you handle the situation?

a. You say, “BEEP. You’ve reached the Compulsive Liar Hotline. All of our operators are currently busy assisting other neo-con warmongers.”

b. Ask him for his name to see if it would rhyme well with anything for the next discounted Moveon.org ad.

c. You say, “Nice try Mr. Rove, but I’d know that piercing, bloodthirsty voice anywhere.”

d. You respond to every single thing he says with, “I know you are, but what am I?” until he hangs up.

13. True or Not False: As a boy, Ronald Reagan shaved baby squirrels with a rusty straight razor and then Super-Glued them to the holster of his six-shooter for decorative purposes.

a . True

b. Not False

14. True or Not False: “Cheney” is an old Cherokee word that literally translated means “he who slaughters innocents, while his daughter munches squaw-wampum.”

a. True

b. Not False

 

15. Every time a civilian is killed in Iraq…

a. Their face is tattooed to George Bush’s back, under the heading “Don’t mess with Texas.”

b. Dick Cheney’s loins stir.

c. A lock of their hair is added to Donald Rumsfeld’s commemorative “Dead Iraqi” pillow.

d. A dead Republican gets his wings.

16. On your way to Starbucks, you witness what some less enlightened people might call “rape.” You, however, see the scene for what it is: a slightly under-documented immigrant who, exhausted by a full day of picking peaches for the man, has accidentally tripped, lost his pants, and is falling repeatedly into the orifice of a woman whose hair accidentally became entangled in his hand in the supermarket parking lot. What action do you take?

a. Tout the benefits of your short hair-do to the woman as the noble immigrant tries to extricate himself

b. Run back to the supermarket to purchase some detangling hair spray.

c. Ask the woman if she has better things to do than keep an exhausted field hand from his family with her Medusa-like hair and treacherous girl-parts.

d. In a spontaneous moment of camaraderie and respect, lick the dirty peach juice off the back of Jose while singing “La Cucuracha.”

 

17. Complete the following sentence: The drunk, trench-coat clad Catholic priest lured the young boy with promises of ____________.

a) Jolly Ranchers.

b) A limited edition “Mecha John the Baptist” card with 1,000 extra hit points from the Pokegod collection.

c) A “Get Out of Hell Free” card.

d) A very special “Sit and Spin” ride.

18. If George Bush has the heads of six Iraqi children, and trades two to Paul Wolfowitz in exchange for three kitten heads, what is the proportionate value of an Iraqi child to an American kitten on the Neo-Con Severed Head Exchange (NCSHE)? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

19. What does G. Gordon Liddy put on his cereal in the morning?

a. Ashes of ACLU lawyers.

b. Gunpowder.

c. Thin slices of spleen from a baby albino rhinoceros.

d. All of the above

20. Given the following information, select the best lead-in for your column today.

“It is a sunny, slightly breezy Tuesday.”

a. Leading scientists say that a series of Category 5 hurricanes are set to demolish upwards of 75% of U.S. port cities within the month. One meteorological expert noted that this looming catastrophe is directly linked to President Bush’s failure to ratify the Kyoto Treaty.

b. While many Americans bask in the unseasonably warm temperatures, poverty-stricken citizens in coastal communities work day and night sandbagging their homes against a rising ocean fed by glacier melt.

c. Lured by the promise of a better life, a dozen document-challenged Mexicans roasted to death under a hot sun in Southern Texas after getting trapped in a sandstorm generated by today’s breezy conditions.

d. American imperialism appears to be at its apex on this sunny, slightly breezy Tuesday.

Guest Commentary by Lisa Marie Nowak

I can still vividly recall Valentine’s Day from my kindergarten year. It was a chilly February morn. A light snow was falling and I was awash with excitement. My true love and I were planning on a fun-filled day of pre-pubescent amour, even though he kept insisting that I was not his girlfriend. I discovered early on that when boys say “leave me the hell alone”, they really mean “yes”.

Unfortunately, I was “sick” and mom decided to keep me home, a decision she’d soon regret. I wasn’t going to let something as innocuous as a 104 degree fever, a few petit mal seizures, and an overbearing mother slow me down. Love was in the air.

My man Billy Sanders was counting on me to deliver his Holly Hobby valentine and I wasn’t going to disappoint him. Billy was only the most wonderful boy in the whole school and he was mine, mine, mine! Besides, that little b**** Tammy Zimmerman had been trying to put the moves on him and I was not about to give her this golden opportunity.

After rendering mom unconscious with a well-placed soup pan to the head, I was on my way. Oh, Billy.

About halfway to school I felt an uncomfortably familiar sensation come over me; it was my old nemesis diarrhea. I had a decision to make and I made it without hesitation. Love had convinced me to carry on, my poorly formed stools be damned.

A few blocks later my worst fears were confirmed as I felt a gooey, warm substance running down my leg. At that moment I promised myself that I would never again trust mere cotton to withstand the onslaught of my bodily waste.

When I arrived at Our Lady of Lourdes Elementary, it was just as I suspected. There was Billy on the playground with that skag Tammy fawning all over him. Even now I am overcome with nausea just thinking about that two-bit slut and her manipulative ways. Apparently melting her Malibu Barbie’s breasts together and coating her mid-morning snacks with a light misting of bleach weren’t enough to teach her a lesson. Some people really need to have the point hammered home.

I quickly lured Tammy to the edge of the playground and then into the woods under the ruse that I had discovered the Smurf’s village and they needed our help to defeat Gargamel. After duct taping her to a maple tree, I had a little heart to heart talk with her.

I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that the next time Tammy tries to steal someone else’s man, she is going to discover that her girl parts do not work the way that nature had originally intended them to.

Needless to say, when I brought Billy back to see Tammy, he was speechless. He didn’t need to say anything. I could tell by the shocked expression on his face that he had never been loved this much by anyone in his life.

Ahh, to be young and in love. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

As Ezra Levant’s battles against institutionalized stupidity continue north of the border, our TNOYF artists have been hard at work drawing up some sharp new Ezra Levant gear. Ezra’s given us his blessing to use his likeness, so the designs you see below are now for sale in the TNOYF store, on mugs, t-shirts, sweatshirts, etc. Just click on the “Free Ezra” section.

All profit from sales of Ezra gear will go to his legal defense fund. This amount varies by product; we promise to be completely transparent in our reports (you can also visit Cafe Press to learn about pricing; we’ve marked everything up to premium, so the difference between that and the base price of the product you buy will be your donation).

We’ll also donate the profits from sales of any Islamic Rage Boy gear through the end of February to Ezra’s legal defense fund.

As we discovered when we tried to trademark Islamic Rage Boy and were rebuffed by the U.S. Patent Office on the grounds that the term would be disparaging to Muslims, the fight against what Brian Anderson calls “illiberal liberalism” is constant and maddening. Ezra Levant is on the front line of the latest battle– so buy a t-shirt and support his efforts.

(Full Disclosure: there is a “The Nose On Your Face” logo on the back of some of the shirts.)

Click here to visit store.

Check out Ezra’s appearance on Glenn Beck tonight via Ms. Underestimated.

In a surprising twist on the news that some children were discovering porn images on the new John Madden 2007 X-Box Football Game, a Las Vegas man has claimed that he discovered an image of John Madden at a “critical juncture” in “Sex-Starved Amateurs #46.”

The man, who has asked to remain anonymous, is suing the movie production company, the NFL and John Madden for emotional damages, the cost to surgically repair his bent penis, and the cost of carpet cleaning.  He issued a statement:

“I don’t get out much, and I’m not much of a football fan, so I had never heard of John Madden.  Well, now I have.  John Madden inserted himself in my life at a very private moment, and I’m pretty sure that the sight of that big doughy face yelling, ‘KAPOW!’ has changed me forever.”

Longtime allies the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) announced a bold technological joint venture today that will enhance the ability of NAMBLA members to reach out to needy young boys on a local market basis.

The new NAMBLA Alert! wireless monitoring system uses cutting edge technology to beam users real-time data on local gatherings of young boys where “the presence of NAMBLA representatives might prove beneficial,” according to NAMBLA spokesman Peter Carter.

“As the enlightened among us recognize, young boys thoroughly enjoy– some might argue, require– the company of older, sweatier, hairier males,” continued Carter. “Even if they often need assistance recognizing this fact. The NAMBLA Alert system empowers the old to find the young in a timely, convenient manner. Now, I don’t want to get caught up in vague value judgments like ‘is it legal to have sex with an 8-year-old boy?’. That’s for our good friends in the 9th Circuit Court to decide. We are simply providing a public service.”

NAMBLA Alerts are available to members for a monthly fee, and use the latest in satellite technology to beam critical information to PDAs, cell phones, and other mobile devices. Carter does not shy away from the fact that his system is based on the wildly successful ‘Amber Alert’ program.

“Why try to reinvent the wheel?” he asked rhetorically. “‘Amber Alerts’ are extremely effective at helping to locate and recover missing children by beaming messages to large numbers of people. We plan on doing the exact same thing. Except after we locate them, we are going to have sex with them.”

One dues-paying NAMBLA member is already a believer.

“My job requires quite a bit of travel,” said Chester Hunsacker. “And it can be so hard to find unsupervised boys when you’re in a strange town. You can only cruise the local parks and ice cream stands so many times before people start looking at you like your some kind of creep. The new NAMBLA Alert system enables me to drastically reduce my “trolling” time without being made to feel like a lecher by ‘concerned parents.’”

Other key features:

• trench coat pocket compatible
• plays a full range of children’s cartoons
• LCD Display made from space-age polymers– easy to clean and extremely resistant to milkshake spills, Jolly Rancher smudge-marks, and three of four major body fluids
• a variety of ring tones including: a whimpering puppy, the Nintendo Wii start-up music, and the very popular “Barry Bonds Ring Tone” which includes the baseball great uttering such catchphrases as, “Psst. Hey boys, it’s me, future Hall of Fame baseball player Barry Bonds. I’m stuck in the trunk of this rental car. Just hop in the front seat with this nice gentleman and we’ll all go out for ice cream.“(*Note: Barry Bonds ring tone only available with the “Executive” model)
• one-touch access to the ACLU’s 24-hour free legal defense hot line
• “risk level” monitoring which can correctly gauge the level of adult supervision at a children’s event to within one chaperon
• Daily “Coaxing Tips” designed to thwart the Nazi-like protection efforts of local law enforcements

The NAMBLA Alert Monitoring System is available at the ACLU and NAMBLA websites, and also via a fleet of vans with blackout-tinted windows at a playground near you.

Much is being made of the voice mail I recently left for my ingrate daughter, and I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

First off, I’m Alec Baldwin. Say it again slowly, dolt. That’s right. Alec. Freakin’. Baldwin. You may think you can fathom what it’s like being me, but unless you are an extra-terrestrial being with infinite cerebral capacity, you can’t. You can try to coax your feeble mind into grasping the magnitude of my existence, but then you’d have to multiply that number by 100. Then go watch The Hunt For Red October, and you’ll realize that you should multiply it by 100 again. Maybe even a third time.

It really doesn’t matter, because whatever result you come up with is microscopic when compared with the true burden of Baldwinity. In fact, right now scientists are struggling to come up with some metric to quantify the weight of my existential responsibility. They have so far failed, and several of their heads have exploded in the process.

But back to the matter at hand. About 11 or 12 years ago (really now– am I supposed to know precisely how old the little $#$*&@! is?), my sperm tragically merged with the ovum of one Kim Basinger. What’s most peculiar about the incident is that historically speaking, my sperm do not merge; they overpower, strangle, and eat ovum. This process is not unlike a school of piranha devouring an injured hippo calf. Once fed, they then proceed to clog the host-wench’s ovaries with such a massive amount of pure, uncut Baldwin DNA that, typically, massive organ failure results.

Yet, a creature was born and we named her “Ireland.” Not after the country, mind you, but rather because I was so filled with ire at the temporary weakness exhibited by my heretofore omnipotent man-seed. You can be sure my testes were given a good talking to after this lapse, and there have been no repeat performances to date.

So, I’ve allowed this overgrown zygote called Ireland to draw breath (thus depriving true Baldwin’s of precious oxygen) by my estimates for some 9-14 years now. Some nights, while I hover over my bed pondering the limits of my human life form, I wonder if I should reclaim my missing DNA by eating my ill-begotten spawn, thus extending my own life and increasing the likelihood that a sequel to “The Marrying Man” can be made. I know that my friend and fellow political pundit Rosie O’Donnell has eaten several of her adopted children and claims that the experience was invigorating. And they weren’t even flavored with the special Baldwin all-spice.

So, with all of this as a back story, I think you can understand the reaction I had when this accident called Ireland failed to answer my phone call. Trust me, it will all be straightened out. From now on Ireland will not miss my calls because I am going to personally outfit her ears with the necessary wiring via some needle-nose pliers and just a pinch of the Baldwin magic.

Thank you.

Alec Baldwin

The news that an asteroid will pass close to Earth in 2036 prompted a group of scientists to recommend Saturday that the United Nations arrange an international space mission to deflect the threatening space rock.

France, however, immediately issued a statement urging restraint against “a seemingly lovely space rock we know nothing about,” and claimed that the United States was behind the call to take aggressive action.

“Once again, the United States is rattling sabers when diplomacy hasn’t had a chance to work,” said French spokesman Serge Betain.  “We must use the United Nations to convince the world that what appears to be a gargantuan existence-threatening boulder hurtling through space may actually be a peaceful mission from a far away planet.”

The French offered an alternative plan that calls for efforts to communicate with the asteroid via 24 hour broadcasting of a radio signal into space.   Against a back drop of Enya music, French actor Gerard Depardieu will apologize to the asteroid that the Earth is in its path and ask what the two celestial bodies can do together to avoid a catastrophe. 

Betain went on to slam the world for what he called “blatant Earth-centric thinking.”

“When you think about it, exactly who is in whose path?  Have we considered the point of view of the asteroid? Perhaps, as we speak, they are scurrying around planning to divert us.  How does that feel?”      

It was recently discovered that Pete Costello of Tacoma, Washington has been feigning retardation for nearly twenty years while his mother collected disability benefits in his name. While this level of deceit is inconceivable to most of us, experts say that it happens more commonly then we would like to believe.

Psychologist Bradley Fredrickson has conducted a long-term study that takes a hard look at the reasons people feign retardation.

“One thing we know is that it happens all the time,” said Fredrickson. “And that there are many motivations behind the deceptions. Some, like the Costello’s, do it for the money. Others use it as an escape mechanism; to lower the expectations placed on them by an increasingly demanding world. Others still do it because they do not want to give up good paying jobs at prestigious news organizations like The New York Times.”

Fredrickson would not comment on specific people who were involved in the study, citing confidentiality concerns. However, he did allow that France, San Francisco and the U.S. Senate were “overrepresented.”

As baseball fans heatedly debate the merits of Barry Bonds’ inevitable ascendancy to career home run king, a different controversy surfaced yesterday when the asterisk, the star-like typographical symbol expected by many to appear alongside Bonds’ place in the record books to denote the slugger’s steroid use, announced that it wanted “no part” of Bonds’ record. In the shocking announcement, a visibly testy asterisk said the association with the slugger’s tarnished image would sully its “storied reputation” and perhaps impact its ability to find meaningful work in the future.“I usually try to stay out of controversy, but Barry Bonds is a pompous, narcissistic fool,” said the asterisk. “I’m drawing the line. It’s time some other punctuation marks start to carry some of this dirty water. In fact, I’ll call out the question mark. Why don’t we put the very symbol of uncertainty, doubt and improbability alongside Mr. Bonds’ skid mark in the record book? WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE ASTERISK?”

The question mark was unavailable for comment. A phone call to its home was answered by the semi-colon, who said the question mark was attending a seminar on the proper use of conjunctive adverbs with the apostrophe and the ellipsis. But the semi-colon offered some insight into the debate.

“Look, the asterisk has a point; we all need to take a good look at this,” he said. “I, for one, thought this might be a great opportunity for the ampersand to step up and recover from the Hall & Oates tragedy. But it might just be that the horrid responsibility of having linked the two guys who wrote the song Maneater is too much to overcome.”

Update:  A representative for the period told our sources that a blockbuster deal with the asterisk was scuttled this morning.  Details are sketchy, but the period had offered to assume responsibility for Bonds’ record in exchange for being relieved of its responsibility as the shorthand expression for a woman’s menstrual cycle.  The deal imploded when the National Organization for Women threatened to abandon all punctuation usage entirely if women were forced to say, “Oh crap, I just got my asterisk.”

Update 2:  The umlaut ¨ reportedly offered its services to the asterisk without condition but was turned down for being “too French, even for Barry Bonds.”  When the asterisk was told that the umlaut appears in several other European languages, it responded, “Oh, no, does this mean that they won’t like us?  Cause I’m really worried about pissing off the Europeans right now, when my entire existence is about to be associated with a guy who looks like an over-cooked Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.  Really.  Let me check the old asterisk-priority list pronto, cause heaven forbid we PISS OFF THE EUROPEANS, THE FOLKS WHO BROUGHT US THE GODFORSAKEN TILDE (~),  BASICALLY A WANDERING, SPINELESS DASH THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SAY “NYAH.”

Willett Elementary principal Gaylene Heppe has recently banned “tag” and all other unsupervised “chasing” games out of fear of injury and hurt feelings to her students at the Attleboro, Massachusetts school.

“To be honest, I don’t like either the violence or the exclusionary nature of those kinds of games,” said Heppe. “Who wants to be ‘it’? What is ‘it’? To me ‘it’ is an offensive and dehumanizing characterization that will only lead to major psychological concerns later in life.”

Not all of the standard school yard games have been removed, however, you may be unlikely to recognize them in their new manifestations. These include:

• “Smear the Queer” which has been renamed “Assimilate the Differently Sexualized” and will now focus on understanding the differences and similarities between children with varied sexual proclivities.
• “Dodgeball” which is now called “Chicken Feather Tickle-Time“, and involves neither dodging nor a ball.
• “Duck, Duck, Goose” which has been renamed “Conservative, Conservative, Jew” in an effort to be more ornithologically sensitive.
• “Ring-Around-The-Rosie” will remain basically the same, but a 2:1 social worker to child ratio must now be maintained at all times. School officials say this is to insure that children have an outlet to discuss fears of a painful, plague-riddled death that may emerge during play.

The changes are not limited to the schoolyard either. Heppe felt that the school’s current bathroom procedures were “barbaric and hopelessly outdated”, and has since launched several school-wide initiatives to address these issues. The new initiatives include:

• “Cooperative Urination Groups” to teach children, in Heppe’s words, “to help their neighbors while learning a valuable lesson about the different sizes, shapes, and textures of everyone’s sexual organs.”
• “Sit While You Pee Day” for boys and “Stand, Lean, and Leak Day” for girls to, as the school’s handbook notes, “give kids a taste of what it’s like to be a member of the opposite sex, but more importantly, to see that we are not so different after all.”

Update: After prolonged playground observation of “Assimilate the Differently Sexualized“, school officials are reporting that they will indeed be renaming it “Dodgeball“.

An angry protest in the West Bank over an unflattering cartoon of the prophet Mohammed was extensively delayed today when the angry mob realized they had no idea what the flag of Denmark looked like or where to find one.

Indeed, while flag burnings are as common as random gunfire in the West Bank, this marked the first burning of the Danish Flag, according to Qasim Batkela, a local historian who keeps copious documentation of all flag burnings, and presents a popular slide show each quarter to West Bank residents recapping the top burnings of the past few months.

Batkela realized he had his work cut out for him when he first heard about the cartoon.

“At first, we figured Denmark was a U.S. state,” he explained. “Then we found out it’s actually a country, with a flag and everything. We went down to Faruk’s Flammable Flags, and he had never heard of it. So we burned his evil store, praise be to Allah. Finally, Munsif Babar got through on his internet dial-up, and found the Danish flag. He got so angry at the sight of it that he set fire to his computer before we could print a copy, and we had to burn Munsif and his family as punishment, praise be to Allah. While many things were burning, the day was not going well.”

Finally, according to Batkela, a Danish flag was painted on a piece of cardboard and set afire, satiating the angry crowd.

Batkela watched the burning from afar, taking digital photos and making notes in a dog-eared notebook, and offering broader perspective on West Bank flag burnings.

“Israel and the United States are obviously our most popular, well-attended burnings,” explained Batkela. “We also have weekly burnings of the flag of Barbados because Abdul Shaneen went there for his honeymoon and lost his wallet. After that, strangely enough, we really like to burn the Swiss Flag, because it totally freaks out the Swiss if anyone is angry at them. Have you ever yelled ‘Death to Switzerland?’ Try it. The ironic juxtaposition is rich.”

But today’s flag burning marked a first for Denmark, a small nipple of a country whose major exports are lip-corroding chewing tobacco and Lars Ulrich of Metallica. The country is best known for their award-winning turn as a speed bump in World War II, when they set a record by surrendering to Germany in 3 hours and 12 minutes, out-Frenching the French in the process. After that, Denmark’s history is relatively quiet until Danish actress Brigitte Nielsen’s poignant 1985 portrayal of Ludmilla in Rocky IV. Indeed, the small, wet welfare state is not accustomed to the spotlight, but that all changed today.

The shocking news that O.J. Simpson is going public with a book and interview about how he could have hypothetically killed Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman in 1995, has drawn scorn and revulsion from many who are convinced the former football star is benefiting financially from a murder he actually did commit.

And in another strange twist, TNOYF has learned that a prisoner at the California State Penetentiary, Cletis Tallywhacker, is penning a short novela about how he would have hypothetically raped O.J. Simpson if he had been his hypothetical cellmate.

Simpson’s Novel is titled If I Did It while Tallywhacker’s book is called If I Could Get Me Some Hall Of Fame Running Back Booty.

According to prison officials, Tallywhacker has long been obsessed with Simpson, and killed several other prisoners in a rage when O.J. was acquitted and his hopes for intimacy with him were dashed. They are hoping that the book is an outlet.

“There’s no harm in our prisoners playing out their fantasies in writing,” said Prison Warden Hal Souder. “And I’m thrilled that Mr. Tallywhacker has accurately depicted our guards ignoring Mr. Simpson’s pleas for help. Hypothetically, of course.”

Guest Commentary by Lisa Marie NowakI can still vividly recall Valentine’s Day from my kindergarten year. It was a chilly February morn. A light snow was falling and I was awash with excitement. My true love and I were planning on a fun-filled day of pre-pubescent amour, even though he kept insisting that I was not his girlfriend. I discovered early on that when boys say “leave me the hell alone”, they really mean “yes”.

Unfortunately, I was “sick” and mom decided to keep me home, a decision she’d soon regret. I wasn’t going to let something as innocuous as a 104 degree fever, a few petit mal seizures, and an overbearing mother slow me down. Love was in the air.

My man Billy Sanders was counting on me to deliver his Holly Hobby valentine and I wasn’t going to disappoint him. Billy was only the most wonderful boy in the whole school and he was mine, mine, mine! Besides, that little b**** Tammy Zimmerman had been trying to put the moves on him and I was not about to give her this golden opportunity.

After rendering mom unconscious with a well-placed soup pan to the head, I was on my way. Oh, Billy.

About halfway to school I felt an uncomfortably familiar sensation come over me; it was my old nemesis diarrhea. I had a decision to make and I made it without hesitation. Love had convinced me to carry on, my poorly formed stools be damned.

A few blocks later my worst fears were confirmed as I felt a gooey, warm substance running down my leg. At that moment I promised myself that I would never again trust mere cotton to withstand the onslaught of my bodily waste.

When I arrived at Our Lady of Lourdes Elementary, it was just as I suspected. There was Billy on the playground with that skag Tammy fawning all over him. Even now I am overcome with nausea just thinking about that two-bit slut and her manipulative ways. Apparently melting her Malibu Barbie’s breasts together and coating her mid-morning snacks with a light misting of bleach weren’t enough to teach her a lesson. Some people really need to have the point hammered home.

I quickly lured Tammy to the edge of the playground and then into the woods under the ruse that I had discovered the Smurf’s village and they needed our help to defeat Gargamel. After duct taping her to a maple tree, I had a little heart to heart talk with her.

I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that the next time Tammy tries to steal someone else’s man, she is going to discover that her girl parts do not work the way that nature had originally intended them to.

Needless to say, when I brought Billy back to see Tammy, he was speechless. He didn’t need to say anything. I could tell by the shocked expression on his face that he had never been loved this much by anyone in his life.

Ahh, to be young and in love. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!