For the average person who has not had the opportunity to sit next to Helen Thomas at a White House Press briefing during the tenure of a Republican president, the inner workings of Hell remain a mystery. Certainly there is much conjecture and supposition about the goings-on in the Underworld, but no hard facts. Until now. Our Senior Hades Correspondent has once again gone above and beyond the call of duty with his most recent expose.

Without further ado we present The Top 9 Little Known Facts About Hell:

9. A new survey of Hell residents revealed that the “After Hours Riverfront Joyride With Ted Kennedy” simulator remains the least popular form of torture in Hades for a record seventh consecutive year. Coming in second once again is the “Be Bill Clinton’s Intern’s Dress For A Day” experience.

8. Every Thursday is “Nachos & Sodomy Night.”

7. The Devil’s brother Raul remains the odds-on favorite to replace him when the Devils multi-millennial term expires in 2010.

6. The Devil has said he will never release Stalin regardless of how many times George Clooney protests that he was simply a “man ahead of his time.”

5. Despite receiving numerous proposals from House leader Nancy Pelosi, the Devil has refused to create an official George W. Bush wing. However, the Devil was quoted as saying that he is excited about the prospect of Jimmy Carter’s impending death, and the much anticipated “Habitat For Inhumanity” project that will follow soon after.

4. The Devil has never in fact been down to Georgia, but he has attended a number of continuing education conferences in Berkeley.

3. Fidel Castro will celebrate his twelfth anniversary a week from Tuesday.

2. Hell residents who exhibit exceptionally poor behavior are forced to watch Gymkata on a loop for eternity, as Robert Byrd explains the political repercussions of the film in great detail, while doing his spot-on Susan Estrich impersonation.

1. While everyone knows that “666″ is the “Number of the Beast,” fewer people are aware that “”777″ is actually the “Number of the Beast’s Second Cousin,” Irving Phlegmburg.

Yet again, TNOYF reporters have uncovered a tape that suggests we’re not getting the entire story from the mainstream media.

This is footage of a recent Scientology rally with Tom Cruise.

Word came today that Westboro Church leader Fred Phelps plans to sell a “Hatin’ Hotties Of Westboro Church” calendar to help pay off the nearly $11 million penalty a jury awarded the grieving father of a dead Marine this week.

In yet another bit of unparalleled investigatory journalism, TNOYF has obtained advance copies of Ms. May, Ms. July and Ms. October.

CLICK PHOTOS TO ENLARGE

In Baltimore today, a jury awarded nearly $11MM to the father of a Marine killed in Iraq in a verdict against the Westboro Church, whose members protested at the Marine’s funeral with signs that read, “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” and other similarly inspired invective. The church, led by Fred Phelps, believes that God is angrily slaying Americans due to our tolerance of homosexuality. In addition to heading-up the church, Phelps has also sired most of the congregation.

TNOYF caught this photo of Fred Phelps immediately after the protest, with some of his new signs. (Hat Tip: LGF)

God Our Father issued a strongly worded proclamation earlier today that marks a clear change in Heaven’s “exceptional children” policy. In his statement, He refuted the previously held belief that all kids are special.

“I’m not quite sure when all of this ‘every child is special’ crap got started,” said a visibly weary Lord Almighty. “Although if I had to guess I’d say the late ’60s. You pump enough LSD and Grateful Dead into your system, you’ll come up with some pretty gay stuff. F***ing hippies.”

God went on to cite specific examples to bolster his case.

“It simply isn’t true. The fact is, some kids are downright ordinary, while others still are blithering idiots. Take Richie Santos. Nice enough kid, but he eats his own boogers, constantly jams stuff into electrical outlets just so he can get shocked, and can’t spell worth a Me damn. Is that special? Maybe in the slap-a-helmet-and-bib-on-him sort of way.

Or Penny Dillenbeck. Let’s take a look at her claim to specialness. Her resume includes a solid “D” average, inappropriate eye contact in social settings, and a love for thimbles. Terrific. I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict a future full of cats and microwave dinners.

Then there’s Tanner Hanrahan. This creepy little s.o.b. waits until everyone in his house is asleep, covers himself with his sister’s ‘Bratz’ dolls, and then masturbates to reruns of ‘Little House on the Prairie’. What Tanner should do is have someone videotape his escapades. At least then he can claim it as art and apply for a federal grant. How about showing a little initiative Tanner? Make the Ingalls’ proud.”

The Almighty went on to say that he plans to address the “All Dogs Go To Heaven” myth in the near future.

Security around Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been beefed up in recent days, as authorities have learned that he is the target of a gang of blue-haired Nebraskan women who have arrived in Venezuela to carry out the orders of Pat Robertson. Chavez is currently hiding out at at an undisclosed location, while the Lincoln Nebraska chapter of the Sunday Morning Sisters (SMS) is apparently roaming the Venezuelan mountains, planning their strike.

Authorities are just now piecing together the details of the Nebraska SMS group, who all went missing last Tuesday shortly after Robertson’s suggestion that the United States should assassinate the Venezuelan president. They believe the ring leader is Dorothy “the Rosary Queen” Figgins, who hosted bi-weekly prayer meetings of the group in her Lincoln, Nebraska living room and was a devoted member of Robertson’s 700 Club. Figgins was renowned in the community for her fire and brimstone diatribes against “sinners,” as well as her rhubarb pie, which took home a blue ribbon at the Nebraska State Fair in 2005.

According to SMS members who did not make the journey to Venezuela due to Bingo commitments, the women were gathered in Figgins’ home watching the 700 club when Robertson issued his decree.

“We all felt that if it wasn’t the Word of God, it was pretty darn close,” said Helen Johnson. “As soon as we could get everyone up off the sofa, we sprang into action. Unfortunately Mildred Arnold dislocated her hip, so we decided to nap for a bit before trying again. We were going to do God’s work, and bag us some Venezuelan Heathen Ass!”

Police are desperately trying to track the group’s path. Their first break came when a Chevy Van belonging to group member Mayrose Nelson was ticketed for driving too slow on Interstate 50 in Texas. FBI and CIA agents descended on the area, and learned from eyewitnesses that a camouflage-clad group of old women had stopped at a Denny’s near Waco for an early bird special. The trail grew cold from there, and authorities notified Mexican police to be on the look out for group, presumed to be armed and dangerous.

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9. It involves the ritualistic slaughter of millions of trees.

8. It takes attention away from important causes like pedophiles who unjustly receive harsh prison sentences and Guantanamo Bay prisoners who are not receiving culturally sensitive meals.

7. They think Jesus was a cult leader and that eggnog is just a creamier version of Kool Aid.

6. They think the only stars that should be followed are Sean Penn, Cindy Sheehan and Danny Glover.

5. Although he looked like a hippie, Jesus was just a poseur who never even tried pot. 

4. You cannot file a lawsuit on a federal holiday.

3. Celebrates the birth of the original, non-aborted baby.

2. It overshadows real holidays like Che Guevara’s birthday and NAMBLA Eve.

1. Love the idea of sex and no baby, not so keen on having a baby with no sex.

Syphilis- A downer at any time of the year. This stingy, discharge-producing, genital companion is particularly unwelcome during the Christmas season, when medical care is at a premium due to vacationing physicians.   

Nutella- Now available in regular, extra-creamy, and weapons-grade varieties, this overseas treat continues to struggle with it’s identity. Is it in fact “delicious, hazelnutty goodness in a jar” as the advertisements say? Or is it a Jonestown-inspired, European death-spread, as our research indicates? Do not take the risk.  

Officially Licensed NAMBLA Trench coat- On the surface, there would seem to be nothing to dislike about this product. Durable nylon shell. Plush, well-lined interior. Hand-stitching. However, do not be fooled by the high quality of the garment. The makers of this coat gave their true intentions away when they advertised it as being “available in a variety of child-friendly colors” and as having “highly candy-resistant pockets.”

Islamic Rage Boy- Although he sings like an angel, runs a successful on-line empire, quickly put Ted Rall in his place, and will not kow-tow to Bill Clinton’s bullying tactcis, Islamic Rage Boy does not make a good pet. Trust us.

“Zoo”- This film is merely a regurgitation of the age-old story: Man meets horse. Man pays horse’s pimp to have sex with horse. Horse inserts his horse-sized penis into boy’s (formerly human-sized) anus. Man dies. People point and laugh at the stupid dead man with the battered, gaping pony-hole. Movie gets Sundance nomination.    

Eau de Taint & Chunky Soup- The third fragrance in Cindy Sheehan’s line of Protest Perfumes disappoints from the start. Dark brown in color with an expired milk consistency, this product is destined to be the “re-gift” of the season.         

Editorial-

Although in recent days there have been many arguments to the contrary, I for one would like to applaud Comedy Central’s brave editorial decision to allow an image of Jesus defecating on others to appear in Wednesday nights South Park episode. By doing so, the network has opened the door to the very real possibility that angry Catholics around the nation will take extreme action much like they have in the past when upset over a perceived slight to their faith.

Based on the past behavior of these intrinsically angry Bible-thumpers, some of the very real dangers that the folks at Comedy Central have now exposed themselves to include:

• Prayer. While some Catholics will actually be praying for the souls of those involved, others are merely using this sophisticated form of voodoo for evil and vindictive purposes.
• Turning the channel. This is just a fancy term for the worst form of censorship; grassroots censorship.
• Writing angry letters. I know these letters may not actually threaten the lives of anyone, but they will likely express strong disagreement with the network’s decision. I do not need to tell you that this is tantamount to a death threat.
• Not killing people. What does that say about their belief system? Jesus died for their sins and they are not even willing to kill someone for blaspheming their religion?

All I can say is keep your eyes open Comedy Central. You have once again aroused the Catholic beast. Hats off to you for your brave, principled stance.

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: South Park, Mohammed, Islam, Catholic, humor, satire, Islamofascism, Jesus, Muslim

In a rare public decree, God issued a statement today clarifying His role in recent worldly catastrophes. The proclamation was read by the Angel Fernebus, God’s Director of PR, in an apparition that was simulcast in newsrooms across the world.

Fernebus’ statement follows:

“Thank you…thanks….uh, can we lose the trumpets, please? That’s better. Uh, God would have liked to attend today’s press conference, but He’s in the Eternal Editing Studio screening a Pat Robertson Bloopers Reel. He asked that I read the following statement.”

‘My most beloved mortals: Contrary to some of the stories you are being told, I do not control weather. That’s Satan’s dominion. When we divided the universe, he insisted that he get weather because he’d taken some meteorology courses as an under-grad. I was exhausted at the time, and not thinking clearly, so I said, fine, whatever.

‘However, I do control most other important things. Like the ability to put people in certain places to impact events. So, when I heard through my contacts that Satan was planning the hurricane Katrina, I thought, I could send Rudy Giuliani to give them a chance. But then I got my hands on a copy of Girls Gone Wild: New Orleans. And I decided that giving New Orleans Ray Nagin– an indecisive, whining ninny– was proper retribution for all that boob-flashing nonsense.

‘However, I’m surprised that Nagin is still relevant now. It’s clear from his recent comments that the poor sap is still suffering from wet brain. I’m hoping that his chocolate comment, and subsequent pathetic attempt to explain it, will render him politically impotent, because his services are needed elsewhere. I’m not at liberty to discuss where specifically, but I’ll give you a hint: there are arches, and a clown.

Thank you.’”

Editor’s Note: This post was written by TNOYF’s Senior Correspondent Robert Potfry. Be sure to visit Robert’s own site for more of his outstanding work.

H/T: A Lady’s Ruminations

Thanks to: OTB

“Hey fellas- did you hear the one about the atheist, the ACLU lawyer and the militant feminist that all showed up at the pearly gates?”

H/T to Newsmax for the photo.

Thanks to Mudville & OTB.

Pro-abortion group NARAL has caused quite a bit of controversy recently over their airing of false advertisements regarding Supreme Court nominee John Robert’s alleged support for abortion clinic bombers. However, the tables seem to have turned as several top members of that organization are now facing far more serious allegations.

“What we have made up discovered is really quite shocking,” stated one conservative satire spokesman. “We haven’t sorted through all of the tips we’ve created received yet, but from what we have seen so far just suffice it to say that the boys and girls over at NARAL have not been keeping their collective nose clean.”

The “shocking” discoveries that were alluded to above include the following allegations of wrongdoing by various NARAL executives:

• The murders and subsequent decapitations of no less than 7 carnival workers
• Trashing several hotel rooms while partying with the “KISS Army“
• Tampering with Martha Stewart’s ankle bracelet
• Attending mass
• Voting Republican
• Wearing white after Labor Day
• Attending a baby christening; for a real live baby (will likely cause loss of their charter)

Several attempts to contact NARAL for comment were made, but as of this posting these calls have gone unreturned.

Media inquiries regarding any of the current or future NARAL scandals should be directed to either RHOG or Point Five.

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to Basil, Mudville & OTB.

The ACLU has been taken to task recently for their decision to support tax exempt status for covens of witches, while simultaneously continuing their assault on Christianity in America. Meanwhile, the organization’s own Policy #92: Religious Bodies Tax Exemption, clearly states that “the ACLU opposes the tax-exemption of all churches.”

“This demonstrates yet again that the ACLU is an anti-Christian organization with designs on erasing any traces of Christianity from the country,” stated Colin Peterson, an anti-ACLU spokesman. “All Americans, Democrats and Republicans, should be outraged by this and should stand together to stop the madness.”

Mr. Peterson was kind enough to compile a list of potential repercussions that could come about because of this new classification.

Top 9 Unintended Consequences of Witches Being Granted Tax Exempt Status:

9. All the publicity might increase Darren’s street cred.

8. Turning someone into a newt might be accorded the same “miracle status” as turning water into wine.

7. “Coven” may replace “gaggle”, “pride” and “school” as the group descriptor of choice.

6. Wart removal might no longer be considered an elective surgical procedure and be covered under insurance companies “religious rider” clauses.

5. Under further examination, the witch that was accused of trying to eat Hansel & Gretel might finally be exonerated and the two children may be seen as the “lying, whiny brats” that the mainstream media has tried to portray them as.

4. With the witches from “Charmed” as the religion’s poster girls, male attendance at coven meetings is expected to increase by 300 - 400%.

3. Bats may finally bump The Western Diamondback Rattlesnake out of the #217 slot on American children’s “Favorite Cuddly Pets” list.

2. Cauldron sales expected to help stimulate the economy.

1. In anticipation of the change, Ted Kennedy has already called Alyssa Milano and Shannon Doherty to testify before his recently formed Senate Sub-committee On Hot Witches.

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

Thanks to OTB and Mudville.

As The Nose On Your Face reported yesterday, Lute Olsen/Joseph Ratzinger has ascended to the role of Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. While the confusion as to the pope’s true identity has been cleared up, the outcry from politicians and other public figures opposed to the new pope has only just begun.

For our reader’s convenience TNOYF has compiled some of their statements below:

• “I have known this man since I was the starting center on the 1997 University of Arizona national championship team. I know him to be a right-wing nutcase and a Jesus-freak of the first order. Did I mention he owns stock in Haliburton?”- Al Gore
• “When I was re-painting The Sistine Chapel back in the late ’70’s, I had the opportunity to have lunch with this pope. I am convinced that this man is not only a Nazi sympathizer but that he is strongly “anti-tenure” with regard to university professors. He must be stopped.“- Ward Churchill
• “While he was still a cardinal this man had the audacity to forbid me, a Vietnam war hero, from receiving communion just because I support the killing of unborn babies. I want to go on the record as saying that none of those babies served honorably in Vietnam and earned the prestigious medals that I did.“- John Kerry
• “Err-ahh… I am still holding out hope that that Cliff Clavin fellow is actually the new pope. Heh-heh. I’ve always wanted to meet Sam Malone. He has the one job in the world better than mine: bartender/tail-hound. Heh-heh.“- Ted Kennedy
• “(Inaudible screeching).”- Howard Dean

We will continue to bring you updates on this story as they become available.

Note: Thanks to The Mudville Gazette for providing another forum for this article.

Note: Thanks to Outside The Beltway for providing another forum for this article.

The historic selection on Tuesday of the new pope of the Roman Catholic Church was temporarily obscured by widespread disagreement as to the pontiff’s true identity. Three highly respected “bloggers”, had conflicting reports on the subject.

Liberal Larry from Blame Bush! reported that Joe Pesci had been named pope and provided strong photographic evidence to back his assertion. Kevin from Wizbang! reported that former Cheer’s star John Ratzenberger had ascended to the papacy. In this case as well, information was provided that could easily have led to that conclusion.

However, The Nose On Your Face agrees (at least partially) with John Hawkins conclusion: that the new holy father is in fact former cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany. But with one caveat. We have strong reason to believe that Ratzinger and University of Arizona men’s basketball coach Lute Olsen are in fact one in the same person.

Listed below is the evidence that we feel proves this assertion:

• Ratzinger’s CYO team had a 3954-1 all time win-loss record (the one loss came by forfeit)
• Olsen’s University of Arizona teams had a strong propensity to pray before all games (not just Pac-10 or NCAA tournament games)
• Former Pope John Paul had box seats to all University of Arizona home games      
• Ratzinger was often seen sporting a “The Only True Devil is a Sun Devil” t-shirt
• Olsen adheres to a strict wienerschnitzel and bratwurst diet
• Arizona players were given holy water in lieu of Gatorade during breaks in play
• The two men have never appeared in the same room together

It is our sincere wish that this ends debate on the topic. Furthermore, we hope that Ratzinger/Olsen come clean and that they/he enjoy(s) a healthy and prosperous papacy.

Note: Thanks to The Mudville Gazette for providing a forum for our article.

Note: Thanks to Outside The Beltway for providing a forum for our article.

(Thanks to sportsmed.starwave.com for the Olsen pic and to onlinewahn.de/terror.htm for the Ratzinger pic.)