The news that an asteroid will pass close to Earth in 2036 prompted a group of scientists to recommend Saturday that the United Nations arrange an international space mission to deflect the threatening space rock.

France, however, immediately issued a statement urging restraint against “a seemingly lovely space rock we know nothing about,” and claimed that the United States was behind the call to take aggressive action.

“Once again, the United States is rattling sabers when diplomacy hasn’t had a chance to work,” said French spokesman Serge Betain. “We must use the United Nations to convince the world that what we think is a life-threatening boulder hurtling through space may actually be a peaceful mission from a far away planet.”

The French offered an alternative plan that calls for efforts to communicate with the asteroid via 24 hour broadcasting of a radio signal into space.  Against a back drop of Enya music, French actor Gerard Depardieu will apologize to the asteroid that the Earth is in its path and ask what the two celestial bodies can do together to avoid a catastrophe.Â

Betain went on to slam the world for what he called “blatant Earth-centric thinking.”

“When you think about it, exactly who is in whose path? Have we considered the point of view of the asteroid? Perhaps, as we speak, they are scurrying around planning to divert us. How does that feel?”

Update: 

After departing jobs at McDonalds and Burger King for what she called “personal reasons,” we’re thrilled to report that former Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney has landed on her feet at a 7-Eleven in the greater Atlanta area.

Cynthia tells us that the job pays less, but that she makes up for it in Slim Jims.

Visit the TNOYF Store for great bumper stickers, T-Shirts and Mugs….

TNOYF has been wondering what’s come of Janeane Garofalo since she left Air America back in July.

Didn’t the new CBS Show “Ugly Betty” debut in September?

We’re just sayin’.

While Islamic Rage Boy is currently way behind in Right On The Right’s contest for best parody of 2006 and is, more precisely, having his jihadist clock cleaned, he has received attention from a few other media outlets (below).  He’s asked us to stress that he really doesn’t care that much about the aforementioned contest, that he is thrilled just to be mentioned in the same breath as the other contestants, but that he’s quite amazed that you can vote every day.

Check out the TNOYF store for this and other great conservative gear….

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Rape charges were dropped Friday against three Duke University lacrosse players after the stripper who accused them changed her story and rendered the rape charge groundless. But Durham, NC District Attorney Mike Nifong has filed a new battery of charges against the three young men, breathing new life into a case that has captivated the nation.

According to court documents, the new charges are:

• Failure to properly sanitize and grease the stripper pole (“exotic dancer accessory”), resulting in uncomfortable burns and an irritating squeaking noise that made it hard for the victim to keep her focus.
• Failure to provide a state-sanctioned donkey for the show, forcing the victim to improvise with a house cat.  The victim claims that, in addition to the painful scratches she suffered, she is also allergic and ailurophobic. In a separate filing, the cat is pressing charges against the victim and the lacrosse players.

l          Failure to play the live version of “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” instead playing the studio version, resulting in a discussion among the lacrosse players about the merits of each version that upset the victim’s concentration.  The dialogue ultimately progressed into a highly distracting, raging debate over the song “Free Bird,” and whether or not the live version really rocks (for the record, the court believes it does).

l          Failure to prepare produce properly for the show.  Trace amounts of pesticide found in the victim’s vagina suggest that the zucchini used (exotic dancer accessory #2) was not cleaned to the standards outlined in the Exotic Dancer codebook.

Mr. Difong also mentioned several expert witnesses that will be summoned in the upcoming weeks:

l          A coronary psychic will testify that while the defendants may not have raped the victim, they had rape in their hearts. “Sometimes it’s not what we do,” said Difong triumphantly, “it’s what we’re thinking.  And these boys have a lot of violent lust in their hearts, according to Tobar the Magnificent.”

l          An ancestral analyst will demonstrate that one of the defendants had a great-great-great uncle who owned a slave.  “Based on this evidence, I’m surprised we didn’t have a lynching,” said Difong.  “Hey, wait a second, can I charge them with attempted lynching?”

l          A psychologist from Cal Berkeley will testify that the entire game of lacrosse is a clever facade for anal rape.

Children with higher IQs are more likely to become vegetarians later in life, acoording to a British Medical Journal Study released this week, providing further evidence that intelligence may be linked to a healthier lifestyle.  But closer scrutiny of the study’s results reveals several other notable trends among kids with higher IQs once they become adults:

• -More likely to be in therapy as a result of repeated beatings at the hands of slower, meat-loving children
• -More likely to be a waiter or waitress working on a novel
• -More likely to require surgery to have a large pole removed from their ass
• -More likely to have pursued a masters and/or doctorate degree that completely consumed their parents’ retirement money

The Wednesday execution of a Florida man convicted of murder nearly three decades ago took 34 minutes, creating optimism among authorities that the coveted one hour mark may not be far off.

“34 minutes is impressive,” said Prison guard Stan Garber, who witnessed the execution.  “They really drew it out nicely.   I think to get a grimace or a whimper at the 24 minute mark is the sign of a deft touch.  Clearly, they got a little greedy at half an hour, and lost him.  But there’s alot to learn from this for the next guy.”

The quest for the one hour mark was dealt a set-back this year when the ACLU sued on behalf of death row inmates.

“It’s gotten harder since they insisted that we can’t perform CPR anymore,” continued Garber.  “We used to push them right to the limit and then bring them back.  It would bring such joy to the families of their victims.  But that’s all changed now.  Once they start to slide, there’s not much you can do.  Except pinch them really, really hard.”

Does Garber think one hour is within reach?

“Yes, I do. We’ve got some amazing minds working on this all across the country.”

The prison veteran paused and ran a hand through his thinning hair before continuing.

“Prolonging death for murderers is not easy work.  People think it’s all just chemistry.  It’s partly that, but it’s also…touch.  And experience.  But when it works together, it’s like a ballet.  And I’m not afraid to say it’s beautiful.”