Directly on the heels of his blowout loss in West Virginia, Barack Obama received a much-needed boost when John Edwards threw his endorsement to the Illinois senator.

“There is no question that this helps,” said Obama campaign spokesman Darren Guilford. “How couldn’t it? Senator Edwards brings several key voting blocs into play that, quite honestly,  had been out of reach for us before. For starters, he has an unheard of favorable rating of 99.5% among white, metro-sexual males with monthly hair care expenditures of over $1,000. And I think his crossover appeal among non-verbal, cerebral palsy sufferers and unborn children goes without saying. We are very happy to receive such an important endorsement.”

Edwards noted that the time was right to make his endorsement of Senator Obama.

“Since I dropped out of the presidential race I have been working quietly, if not feverishly, behind the scenes to learn all that I could about both Barack and Hillary,” he said. “Once I became comfortable that my beliefs were much more in line with Barack’s, which was confirmed by polling numbers showing him as the shoo-in candidate, my decision was an easy one. I just hope that my humble ability to communicate with all kinds of Americans from medically neglected zygotes, to the uber-fabulously coiffed, will benefit Barack’s campaign.” 

At least one veteran beltway watcher agreed with Edwards’ assessment.

“I think Senator Edwards is being extremely self-deprecating when he speaks of his ‘humble ability to communicate’ with critical special interest groups,” said Martin Gascoigne of the DC Policy Institute. “Well-kept caucasian males with free-spending haircare habits are a vital demographic, and they are not easily swayed by empty political rhetoric. They’ve been burned too many times before by promises of universal haircare from smooth talking politicians. As the young people say, Edwards has an inordinate amount of ’street cred’ with them. When we look back at this presidential race, it is very likely that this could be the tipping point for Obama getting both the Democratic nomination and a clear shot at the presidency.”   

A leading Democratic operative has revealed to a TNOYF reporter that Marty Parrish, the former Biden campaign office manager who asked John McCain if he had ever called his wife a c*nt at a Townhall meeting, was carefully screened and selected by DNC Chairman Howard Dean for the important kamikaze mission.

“Look, there’s a vetting process for these types of things,” said the operative. “We don’t just pick anyone. We look for someone who’s got that perfect blend of personal failure, thirst for fame, and all-around lameness. When we discovered Marty’s Windows profile page, we realized we’d found the perfect man-child. I mean, what 45 year old lists that they were President of their High School Student Council in 10th grade? Or that they were Cadet Commander of the Civil Air Patrol when they were 13 years old? Or includes pictures of himself singing karaoke, and acting in local hack productions of Godspell? It was a goldmine.”

Good day everyone. Today I will be speaking with Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton about her recent difficulties with “misspeaking” as she relayed details of a trip to Bosnia in 1996. Welcome Senator Clinton.

Hi Brit, it’s great to be here today. I’ll be glad to finally clear the air over this very unfortunate incident.

Now Senator Clinton, you claim that you simply misspoke when you said that you came under sniper fire during the trip. Yet, you provided vivid details of the incident and even described, quite convincingly might I add, how you had to duck for cover. Isn’t this more than simply misspeaking?

Is it Brit? Are we going to parse words here today? Is that what this is about? Because if that’s the case, I have a few examples of times you yourself have misspoke. January 23rd, 2005, during a segment on global warming, you pronounced “arctic” as “ar-tic.” On national television. Twice. So which was it? Were you lying or misspeaking? You can’t have it both ways.

Senator Clinton, that is hardly the same…

March 9th, 2006, during an interview with John McCain you pronounced his last name “Mah-cane” instead of the more widely accepted, and might I add proper, “Mick-cane.” What do you have to say about that?

I think we’re getting off track here, Sen-

Not much fun to be put under the microscope is it?

Senator, I hardly think swallowing the first “c” in arctic and your fanciful creation of a riveting drama involving snipers on a dangerous Balkan runway fall into the same category.

Tom-a-to, tom-ah-to, Brit.

Okay, for the sake of argument, and my rapidly fading sanity, let’s say that the recollections of your trip to Tuzla simply involved “misspeaking.” What many people find disturbing is the fact that there seems to be a pattern of extreme exaggeration at best, and outright deceit at worst with regards to your handling of truth and facts. In fact, let’s take a look at a photograph from your website under the section,”Hillary’s Heroic Deeds.”

Yes, that’s one of my favorites.

The caption reads, and I quote, “Showing a strong willingness to cross the aisle to help a fellow human being, Hillary Clinton fearlessly throws her body in the way of gunfire to protect former President Reagan. FBI experts agree that her actions likely saved the president’s life on that fateful day.” Do you honestly expect people to believe that you were present during the attempt on President Reagan’s life?

Pictures don’t lie Brit. And quite frankly, the memory is a dark one for me, so I’d prefer not to discuss it in any detail…

Of course you wouldn’t. Well then what about this next one?

Well that one certainly brings back memories! Good ol’ TR. I still remember storming the hill with him that day. Only at the time, it was known as “storming the mount.” Teddy changed it to “storming the hill” out of respect and admiration for my bravery during the battle.

You know, you don’t even bat an eyelash when you say these things.

Thank you. I’ve been told I have excellent control over my facial muscles.

Surely even you must admit that this next picture stretches the limits of credulity. Your website claims that you were a very influential senior aide to General Grant during the Civil War.

I am really glad you brought this up, Brit, because it will give me the opportunity to clear up two huge misconceptions. First, I clearly have a vast repository of military experience to draw on. And second, it proves that I was a huge Yankee supporter even before I began my Senate run in New York State a few years back.

Senator Clinton. Your presence in the Civil War would mean that you’re…what…165 years old?

I think you know better than to ask a woman her age, Brit.

Wow. Just, wow. You know, I’m going to take a little different approach for the remainder of our time, partially because I’ve lost the will to speak. I’m simply going to put up a photo and let you tell our viewers what it is we’re looking at.

You could have saved yourself a great deal of aggravation if you had simply employed that strategy from the get-go, Brit.

Someone just run the pictures, please. For the love of God.

D-Day. Ike thought my experience at San Juan Hill and Gettysburg would be valuable.

Ah, Saddam’s spider hole. Do you have the photo of the delousing I performed shortly afterwards?

The Miracle on Ice! Boy, we really shocked the Ruskies.

I see you lost a tooth.

Actually, goalie Jim Craig still has that tooth in a locket he wears around his neck.

Sweet mother of Jesus. Kill. Me. Now.

OK….here I am discovering fire. That’s Gorg in the background poking the fire, or as he called it, “ARRGGGHHH!”

Jimmy, can I get a double arsenic, neat?

It seems there’s always a movie poster around to bolster the claims of our presidential candidates.

Photographic evidence supporting Don Surber’s claim about the three Democratic congressmen who traveled to Iraq in 2002 on Saddam Hussein’s dime.

An anonymous Democratic party official said yesterday that Hillary Clinton remains in the race for the Democratic nomination only to pursue “the Tonya Harding option.”

Exit question: Do you think they were referring to this Tonya….

Or this one?

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9. Been looking at things from a “glass-half-empty” perspective. Now they only point out the people he didn’t feed with the loaves of bread and fish, not the millions who have already eaten their full through Him.

8. They keep bringing up that picture of him in the Muslim-ish outfit. Like a picture is going to impact a presidential candidates campaign!

7. Have not properly re-calibrated their “Victim-o-meters” yet. Everyone knows that a black, former Muslim with the ability to commune with animals, is entitled to far better coverage than a white woman whose major claim to fame is that she survived having a house dropped on her a few years back. 

6. They simply refuse to faint anymore when he talks about change. 

5. Keep asking questions about trading with Canada. Like he’s supposed to know about other continents.

4. They no longer respect his “no wake zone” when he goes for his daily walk across Lake Michigan.

3. They refuse to apply affirmative action formulas to the recent Texas and Ohio election results.

2. Haven’t been focusing at all on the thousands of ponies he has given to young children with cancer. 

1. They keep asking really hard questions. Sometimes more than one at a time. 

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