In a fascinating historical twist, new evidence has come to light that would appear to prove many of the so-called “conspiracy theorists” correct; the Kennedy murder case from the 1960s did in fact involve more than one killer. 

“I have said all along that there was a second, and possibly even a third, individual involved,” said long-time Kennedy family friend, Samuel P. Thurston. “And that Senator Kennedy has been made a scapegoat by others with sinister motives. I am glad that the new photographic evidence bears this out.”

The “evidence” to which Thurston refers has been called into question by many on the right.

“It’s an obviously photoshopped picture of a young, supposedly innocent Ted Kennedy driving on Chappaquiddick while George Bush rides shotgun and Karl Rove urges him on from the backseat,” said one GOP spokesman. “They didn’t even bother to use old pictures of Mr. Rove and President Bush! Why am I even answering these questions? Did Dan Rather send you?”  

Democratic officials see it differently.

“Who are you going to believe- a well-respected thirty-eight term senator from the most storied political family in the history of this nation, or a lying, cheating Jesus-freak with eight sessions of summer school to his credit?” asked Kennedy spokesman Marguerite Riordan. “Besides, have you heard the audio? Well I have. On the tape you can clearly hear George Bush’s voice yelling, ‘Slow it down Tedd-wardo! You’re liable to clear the channel at this rate of speed, and this drunk chick here ain’t gonna just drown herself!’ If that isn’t seeking to cause harm with malicious intent, I don’t know what is. Ted was just a boy at the time. Just a boy.”

Editorial by Buckley F. Williams

Many of you out there have started the New Year with a litany of resolutions. Some will resolve to eat right and hit the gym in an effort to lose a few pounds. Others will attempt to spend more time with loved ones. Others still will simply try to be better people.

Worthy goals all. However, I will not be shooting for any of these things. My New Year’s resolution is quite simple; I vow to track down and bring to justice the person who came up with the new packaging system for toys.

If you are not a parent or a dues paying NAMBLA member, you may not be familiar with this new system. Here is how it works. The outer shell of the toy is protected by a NASA-approved, high-tech polymer that’s only other use is for windows on the space shuttle and in South Central Los Angeles 24-hour convenience stores. Once inside, you are greeted by 3/4 inch stainless steel bread ties which are spaced at regular intervals to secure the toy in place. Do not attempt to cut these with scissors, go straight for a hacksaw. If you are fortunate enough to get past these, you still have the guard dogs and electrified razor wire to contend with.

On Christmas morning I opened up some plastic soldiers for my son to find a scene that would make even the most hardened coroner flinch. I opened up a new doll for my daughter only to discover that it looked like the lead actor in a John Mark Carr snuff film.

Who exactly decided that children’s toys should be more secure than our southern border? While Saddam Hussein has just been hanged for “crimes against humanity”, the real criminal is still out there. The person who created this toy-security monstrosity has stolen hours of my life and forced me to scream words in front of my young children that I did not learn until well into high school.

Mark my words, this malevolent soul will be brought to justice.

Click here to visit TNOYF’s new on-line store!

The “People We’d Like To Hold Under Water… Just For A Little While” segment has quickly become a regular feature on “The Buckley & Potfry Experiment” radio show (which by the way can be heard from 8-10 a.m. EST on Saturday mornings by going to Wide Awakes Radio- keep your eyes open for our new show website which will be coming soon). The winner from week two follows:

Potfry and I (actually Potfry made it up, I am just glomming on to his good idea) felt the show needed a segment that would capture, hopefully with the creative flair required of the Buckley and Potfry brand (TM inserted, used with permission, all rights reserved), the primitive hostility we often feel toward certain people. That primal, animalistic urge to render someone speechless, breathless, or on rare occasions, eye-less.

There have been several iterations of titles:

• People Who Need To Run With Scissors With Greater Frequency
• People Who Probably Conduct Electricity Very Nicely And We Should Test That Theory Really Freaking Soon
• People Who Should Be Forced To Run Across The African Savanna With A Wounded Baby Gazelle Jammed Up Their Ass
• People Who Need To Run With Scissors With Greater Frequency While Blindfolded And Chased By A Grizzly Bear Who Somebody Just Stuck In The Eye With A Fireplace Poker

We eventually settled on “People I’d Like to Hold Under Water…For Just A Little While” because of its sheer simplicity, and because both Potfry and I are familiar with water through our weekly bathing rituals.

So without further ado today’s winner is: the person in my city who decided that squirrels are so important that they are to be protected by law even if they gnaw their way into my attic and chew on my golf shoes.

Let me explain. I have a squirrel problem. They are all over my yard. I have squirrels that have chewed their way into my attic and set up shop. Once inside my attic- I believe this is called breaking and entering when a person does it, I’m not quite sure why these fat-tailed rats are above the law- they have used precious little discretion regarding what they chew on. Family heirlooms. My golf shoes. Furniture. My golf shoes. Baby toys. My golf shoes. You name it.

Now, I have asked them on multiple occasions to leave  but they just stick their tails up in the air in that condescending manner that they have and flitter away.

So I spoke with an exterminator I know and asked him about poisoning them. Not the real nasty kind of poison mind you, just the kind that will make them go to bed and never wake up from their little squirrel slumber. He told me that it is against the law to kill squirrels and that if I were discovered, I would face a stiff penalty.

I was fascinated by this. I walk into Home Depot and there are entire aisles dedicated to killing mice and rats. Hell, they even break the poisons down by rat genre. In all my years of school I never learned that there was such a thing as a Norway Rat- but one trip to the kill lane at the Home Depot and I now have that info firmly embedded in my mind. But it’s against the law to kill squirrels? How did this happen? Look, I have some samples of mouse and squirrel DNA right in front of me as we speak and I assure you, apart from the bushy tail gene, they are indistinguishable. 

How the hell do squirrels have the time, brains and capacity to organize to the point that they clearly have a stronger and better-organized lobbying presence than the rats and mice?

I smell a rat and this one ain’t Norwegian. And that is why I’d like to hold the person in my city who decided that squirrels are so important that they are to be protected by law even if they gnaw their way into my attic and chew on my golf shoes under water. But just for a little while.