Melanie Morgan has uncovered a letter from an anarchist website that provides us with a glimpse into the mindset of a person who would actually identify himself as an anarchist. The person who penned the following article is upset with the United States Marine Corps. heavy-handed behaviors which include everything from existing, to recruiting more Marines, to fighting for the rights of Americans (including anarchists) around the world.

Since anarchists by their nature are opposed to organization, we added our thoughts in italics and bold for purposes of clarification.

Fuck state power (I like the way you jumped right in and used your “important voice.” This should erase any doubt that you are a serious-minded individual who is looking to test his carefully crafted viewpoints in the arena of ideas.) ! And let’s be clear (I thought you people liked “nuance?”), the right wing groups like A Gathering of Eagles, and Move America Forward, are not only all about state power (they are for lower nacho prices too), but they want state power to be used to crush us (That’s patently false. I want to see you crushed by good old fashioned, grassroots power. Or a meteor.). They represent the most reactionary elements of the state (As opposed to someone like you, who comes from the calm, measured, and reasonable school of thought) which support the most disgusting acts performed by “our troops,” (If by “disgusting acts” you mean protecting “protecting radical treasonous douchebags,” then you might be on to something here) from the bombing of Falluja to the torture of Iraqi civilians, to supporting the mercenary pigs of Blackwater. (Looks like someone is putting his new copy of “Flowery Rhetoric For the Budding Young Rabblerouser” to good use!).

You can argue that world can’t wait, Answer, and code pink are authoritarian groups, (you could also argue that the blood trickling from my ears right now is a direct result of my reading your poorly crafted, yet logically retarded ramblings) but who do you see wielding the ax at your throat the most, right now as you read these words (Wait…I know this. Paul Bunyan? Nope, that’s not it. Jack Nicholson? No. Oh I know, a semi-literate asshat who lives in his grandma’s attic and gets an erection over the thought of dead American soldiers.) ? What is needed right now is direct confrontation of these right-wing assholes (Actually, I agree completely. You should challenge one of the Marines to an Ultimate Fighting match. Or do you mean the other kind of direct confrontation? The one where you leave a bicycle with explosives in front of the recruitment office and then flit away like a scared kitten?) who are coming to our area (I thought they were all overseas stealing oil and raping baby harp seals? Stick to one line of thinking, will you please?) , in order to silence and keep us in line (oink!) (Mmmm. Bacon.).

Think what great advancement and opportunities will come if the Marine station closes down (Let me guess. You’re hoping for a coffee shop that hosts a regular “poetry night” so you will finally get the recognition a person of your talent deserves), we can already see the great amount of debate and polarization that is happening just by challenging (I checked the thesaurus on this one, but I couldn’t find “challenge” as an alternative word for “blowing up”) the existence of one military recruitment center. Let’s turn up the heat!!! (You’ll be sorry if you do. There’s not much worse in this world than the smell of baked patchouli and stale ass.)”

Many are questioning the authenticity of the now widely circulated video of the U.S./Iran naval confrontation earlier this week.

And for good reason. TNOYF has obtained an unaltered version of the incident, and it shockingly reveals the fingerprints of a third party– the French.

The story of Jay Grodner– the Chicago attorney who was caught keying a Marine’s car in a fit of anti-war anger– has made the rounds lately. Nigel at This Goes to 11 has been following it closely.

It’s also been revealed that Mr. Grodner is an online, uh, dater. Well, after some solid investigative reporting, TNOYF found Mr. Grodner’s online dating video.

U.S. commanders in Iraq reported a major coup earlier this week when they announced that 6,000 Iraqi Sonnys agreed to a security pact with American forces, a move that could literally shore up gaps that many extremists have been using to elude the military.

“This speak volumes about the great work that our men and women in uniform have been doing in Iraq,” said Major David Philpotts. “Getting the Sonny residents on board gives us a great deal of ’street cred’, and really paves the way for bringing on board the Manilow clan from the north and the BTO sect from the south. You won’t see this mentioned in the mainstream media, but these are the sort of successes that our troops having been having with more and more regularity.”

Democrat Harry Reid offered a slightly different take on the situation.

“This is a victory?” Reid asked rhetorically. “Sorry, but I don’t see it. To me, this is a resounding defeat. Okay great, they had a few thousand Sonnys sign some treaty. Big deal. Tell me this, did they get even one Cher? The Captain? Tenille? I didn’t think so. This is just one more example of the desperation coming from this administration over failed foreign policies and a hopelessly lost war. 6.000 Sonnys? Let me tell you, 6,000 Elvises couldn’t save the day now!”

Veterans Day is the perfect time to announce a great way to help those who’ve bravely fought for our country.

Operation Re-Gift is the idea of Michael D’Emilio, an old friend who decided he’s uncomfortable receiving gifts each holiday season that he really doesn’t want, particularly when there are people in our country who actually need.

Mike told his friends and family that, in lieu of the DVDs he never watches and the sweaters he never wears, he’d prefer they donate money to a veterans’ association.

The idea has taken root in Mike’s family, and has started to spread.

If you’re interested, the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA) provides a list of Troop Charities here. People who want to participate in Operation Re-Gift can encourage donations to these groups, or to IAVA itself.

The number of homeless veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars is increasing, and they need our help. Spread the word.

UPDATE: Also, please check out  Argghhh! The Home of Two Of Jonah’s Military Guys to learn more about Project-IT Valour, a terrific program that provides voice-activated laptops to veterans who’ve made physical sacrifices that make normal computer use nearly impossible.

Scott Beauchamp, the American soldier who penned diaries for The New Republic describing horrifically sadistic, abusive behavior on the part of U.S. soldiers in Iraq only to later recant, was killed today after accidentally detonating a concealed IED outside his barracks. According to eyewitnesses, the horribly disfigured Beauchamp staggered about for a few seconds before being mercifully run down by a Bradley armored vehicle.

“Private Beauchamp, aka Scotty Hemingway, is dead,” said Army investigator Captain Bill Higgins. “In all my years of investigating accidents, I’ve never encountered such an unusual sequence of events. And when you consider that every soldier on the base has come forward and claimed responsibility, you’ve got one tough case.”

The embattled Editor of The New Republic, Franklin Foer, offered a brief statement.

“By providing indisputable evidence of the types of transgressions described in Mr. Beauchamp’s diaries, his death clearly exonerates The New Republic from all charges of editorial carelessness levied by the right wing blogosphere.”

“Oh, and it sucks for Scott and all that stuff.”

The news last week that several branches of the military had unwittingly placed recruitment ads on gay websites left many wondering if the placement was a mistake or if the military was quietly trying to recruit gay men to fill its ranks.

TNOYF has received copies of the ads in question, and we’d like to know what you think.

In addition, a bit of historical research revealed that this may not be the first time the military directed its message to the gay community.

Just moments after hearing General David Petraeus give an upbeat, albeit honest, assessment of the situation on the ground in Iraq, Democratic party leaders were ready with a wide variety of responses.

“I have no further comment on this propaganda-filled hate-speech,” said Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy. “I already gave you people my detailed analysis and subsequent rebuttal last week.”

Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada offered a broader perspective.

“Look, let’s not get all bogged down with vague questions like ‘how many insurgents have actually been killed’ or ‘is Iraq the very necessary front-line for fighting a much larger war against Islamic fundamentalists who, if they had their way, would wipe all of us off of the map today in the name of their deity’,” said Reid. “Those points are so nuanced that even I can’t get my mind around them. Besides, it is not our role to be taking sides in this ill-advised, technically illegal war. What you need to remember is that nearly one out of five Americans believe in the work this Democratic Congress is doing. That’s over twenty percent. As a Nevada resident, I have to tell you that I really like these odds.”

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton offered no comment, but in a moment of extreme candor was overheard by one astute reporter uttering the following to an aide.

“Can someone please tell me why that f*** Petraeus was allowed to testify? I clearly ordered a number seven on him. That’s a ’suicide by hanging wearing only his boxer shorts and a George W. Is My Homeboy!’ t-shirt. I’m surrounded by f***ing imbeciles!”

A man calling himself “Senator Joe Biden” then opined.

“I disagree with the general, but am very impressed that 76% of American households recognize his name! I’ve been a senator for decades, made racially insensitive remarks, and even set myself on fire to draw recognition for my presidential campaign and I’m still in the single digits.”

Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson weighed in on the topic as well.

“I thought that all in all, the Democrats offered nothing except vitriol and mind-numbingly idiotic platitudes that flew in the face of all factual information and logic,” said Thompson. “That being said, I did think that Senator Kennedy provided a very sober assessment of the situation. It was dead-wrong and about as self-servingly partisan as a typical Kennedy diatribe, but both the slurring and shaky hands were barely noticeable.” 

Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois was unavailable for comment as he was inexplicably stricken once again by a three-alarm trouser-fire.

Faced with the difficult prospect of mortality and injury rates for American soldiers dropping to the lowest levels since the onset of the Iraq War, The New York Times has revealed a bold new plan for measuring military casualties in that conflict. The Times has departed from the traditional school of thought and has moved, in their words, towards a “more streamlined and progressive manner of measuring war-related incidents.”

“The decline in the number of dead and wounded soldiers is a bit misleading,” said Times spokesman Alison Beckworth. “Historically, casualties have been counted by looking at the actual number of soldiers killed or wounded while in a particular theater of operations. As we now know, many things that are seemingly unrelated are in fact interconnected. The archaic system we now use, developed during the early days of the Roman Empire, is simply not relevant in our more complex times. That’s why we’ve expanded the definition of ‘casualty’.”

Expanded they have. Under the new plan, soldiers who contract gout, get sand in their eyes or who have a friend back home who catches crabs from that brunette with the squinty eyes that hangs around the Dairy Creme all summer, will now be considered ”wounded”. Meanwhile, military personnel who die within fifty years of their last tour of duty will be counted among the mortalities from the Iraq War (numbers to be extrapolated using a variety of impartial sources including: AP reports, Al Jazeera internal memos, and Sean Penn’s diary).  

“Many on the right have accused us of doctoring the numbers with regard to the way that casualties in Iraq are going to be measured,” said Beckworth. “That’s patently false. We are simply trying to be proactive. If a 93-year-old Iraqi war vet just drops dead near the end of this century, who is to say that his death is not directly related to the Battle for Fallujah? We’re just trying to run the numbers now while the issue is fresh in everyone’s mind.” 

The Swiss government announced Friday morning that they have received a letter of “full, unequivocal surrender” from the French government, apparently in response to an incident Thursday night when 170 Swiss infantry soldiers accidentally wandered across an unmarked border into the tiny country of Liechtenstein. The accidental incursion was quickly corrected when the Swiss troops, out searching for a buxom, disoriented beermaid who had lost her way from a ski chalet, realized that they had crossed over into Liechtenstein, a tiny country of 30,000 people which is often confused with a soft mossy fungus that grows on tree bark.

Despite the fact that the incident occurred nowhere near French territory (see map), the French were apparently taking no chances. According to reports, the French government at first planned to protest the “Swiss aggression” with a week-long strike and “Love-In,” but their military experts determined that, if force-marched, the Swiss troops and the chesty beer maid would be in Paris in several days. The decision was made to surrender.

French spokesman Pierre Renault felt that the rest of the world was underestimating the Swiss.

“The Swiss are brutal, cold killers,” he said. “Yes, we know their history and the facade of neutrality. But underneath that lurks the heart of a totalitarian dictatorship that wants to force skiing on humanity. First Liechtenstein, then who knows?”

Liechtenstein, for their part, seemed to take the incident in stride.

“If it’s not the drunk Austrians, it’s the lost Swiss,” said Orlan Fapo, the Head of Government and chief Liechtensteinian snow-plower. “At least the Swiss realized their mistake. Most of the time, people are through the country before they realize they were in it.”

9. The dust being kicked up from the crashes is causing all sorts of respiratory problems for the freedom fighters.

8. Concerned this might take away from serious issues like gay marriage, people wearing fur, and ferocious neo-con attacks on innocent bloggers.

7. If there had been an i-Pod ban in place, 99% of these crashes could have been prevented.

6. President Bush is not even being questioned as a suspect.

5. Worried the loud noises might spook the French.

4. Very concerned about the danger posed to freedom fighters who have to crawl over the sides of bridges to display the bodies of downed crewmen.

3. This probably means that the poor Iranians and Syrians will be scapegoated again.

2. Not one single member of the Bush administration was on board.

1. The now motionless helicopter blades are just going to add to global warming.

Democrat strategists have just revealed a detailed plan that they believe will ensure victory in Iraq. Democrats have come under fire from conservatives in general, and President Bush in particular, over their constant complaining about the situation in Iraq while offering no solution of their own. 

“I think the American people are really going to get behind my party’s new initiative,” said Senator Joe Biden. “President Bush has called us irresponsible for not putting forth a plan for Iraq. Well, if he doesn’t okay this logically sound plan, then I think we all know who is being irresponsible.’”

Biden scoffed at those who call the idea “unrealistic” and “out of touch with reality.”

“The plan calls for genetically engineering an army of miniature diplomats and placing them inside of hollowed-out robotic tuna,” said Biden. “The ‘Trojan Tuna’ will then be left at the home or PO Box (if it happens to be a jihadist away on a weekend retreat at his cabin) of the freedom fighter in question. Once the recipient is asleep, the miniature diplomats will extricate themselves from the tuna and strike up a conversation with the freedom fighter. After a rapport has been established, the diplomat will explain carefully to the freedom fighter that we mean them no harm, and that we are working hard against our common enemy- the Christian right. However, we will make it clear that things must be done in a less violent manner. Perhaps a Supreme Court nominee can be found among the insurgents so they will have a chance to make their voices heard on U.S. policy issues. Then they will be less likely to blow things up. Pretty impressive plan, huh? Who’s ‘out of touch’ now?”   

China’s more tolerant view of gays in the military is clearly on display here as this soldier demonstrates the traditional “Beijing March of the Happy Endings” on his stoic comrade.

Click here to visit TNOYF’s new on-line store!

Riding a wave of popular support on the heels of his successful reintroduction of the “pompadour” hairstyle back into popular culture, U.S. Representative Charles Rangel is at it again. The New York-based Rangel has recently gone on the record as saying that he would like to see the draft reinstated as a means of preventing Republicans from launching, in his opinion, ill-conceived wars.

“This administration brought our country to war on the flimsiest of evidence,” Rangel opined. “Maybe they won’t be so quick to do so the next time if they have even more troops at their disposal.”

Rangel notes that his “more troops-less war” brainstorm is merely the beginning in a long line of future initiatives. The new chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee also has some very heady plans to deal with many of the other major issues of the day.

Some of the issues to be tackled, along with Rangel’s proposed solutions, include:

• pedophilia- “trench-coat & Skittles” schoolyard handouts
• childhood obesity- the “Stephen Hawking Fantasy Basketball Camp”
• global warming- “Campfires Across America”
• amotivational syndrome- a basement-to-basement, marijuana and pizza give-away program

A GOP spokesman did not have a specific response to any of Rangel’s proposals, but did say that he “always enjoys when Charlie gets in front of a microphone.”

Toys for Tots, part of the Marine Corps Reserves, has reversed direction and opted to accept a donation of talking Jesus dolls from a California company after initially rejecting the offer.

Bill Grein, vice president of the Quantico-based Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, explained away his initial refusal by saying that he did not want to risk offending a Jewish or Muslim family if they received a Jesus doll.

“The more I thought it through, the more I realized that I was just being silly,” said a somewhat contrite Grein. “We’ve already tested the dolls in non-Christian homes and the results have been extremely positive.

The Jewish kids treat them well and even pretend that they can perform miracles. And the Muslim kids! Our initial research shows that on average, each one of them is 375% more physically active since receiving the talking Jesus doll! Granted, they do need to be careful where they throw those stones. And they really should have more supervision when using fire, but at least they aren’t playing video games. And the signs that they and their friends make? Very creative. The protests they come up with are so real if you didn’t know better you’d swear you were in downtown Beirut. Good-bye couch potatoes, hello healthy kids.”

Representatives for Toys For Tots have not responded, as this goes to print, to a TNOYF offer to donate Islamic Rage Boy merchandise. 

Editors Note: Be watching for TNOYF’s exclusive line of Islamic Rage Boy merchandise which will be available very soon. Seriously.