Fresh off his Mission of Peace in the Middle East, former President Jimmy Carter recounts his trip with Keith Olbermann.

Welcome to Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Good evening. It is not everyday that you have the opportunity to interview a living legend. A pioneer. A man who has done more good for the world than all of the knuckle-draggers who have ever lived in the state of Texas combined. That man is former President Jimmy Carter. Welcome President Carter.

It’s great to be here Keith. And may I say, I really admired your work on SportsCenter.

You are far too kind, sir. President Carter, you recently returned from a groundbreaking tour of the Middle East where you met with some moderate Arab groups including the leadership of Hamas. Many dignitaries, including former Republican presidents, have made similar outreach efforts. Why then do you think that those on the right have been so quick to criticize your peace efforts?

I have to say that I was a bit surprised by that myself. I mean, I am a man of peace. I am also a man of dialogue and logic. It seemed like the logical thing to do. Have a dialogue with other interested parties about peace. See how I tied the three together there?

Masterfully done, sir. So when you looked in the Hamas leader’s culturally equal eyes, what did you see staring back at you?

I saw a man. Just a man. Like you or like me. Granted, he is a man that has a very different view on how the world should be. But who am I–who is anyone–to say that our perspective is more valid than his?

Damn it, yes! That’s exactly right! Who are we to judge others? Did you hear that, George Bush? President Carter, I implore you, don’t waste your time worrying about the fascist, neo-con naysayers who have tried to play down the significance of your efforts. Remember, Neville Chamberlain was not appreciated in his time either.

That’s right Keith. Prime Minister Chamberlain’s pivotal role in history has often been misunderstood and, dare I say, distorted. Upon his return from his meeting with Hitler, many saw his declaration of “peace in our time” as sign that he had been duped by the German leader. He met with Hitler twice in 1938. World War II ended in 1945. I am no mathematician, Keith, but it seems to me that he kept his promise. We did have peace in his time.

Yes!!! You see, that’s what makes you in my book, the greatest president this country has ever seen. Your ability to see things that no one else can see. To cut through all of the political posturing and pseudo-humanitarian whimpering about “all of the Jews that died at the hands of Hitler” blah, blah, blah.

Well, when you make an omelet…

Precisely! Now, Mr. President, there are those on the right who will point to the Hamas charter and say that some of its language categorically excludes Hamas from involvement in any peace negotiations. I’m speaking specifically of the language that expresses Hamas’ frustration with Israel’s repressive policies.

You mean the line, “Israel will exist and continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it.”

Exactly. Clearly the cry of a peace-loving tolerant people under the yolk of of repressive tyranny. But Israel and the Bush Administration take it out of context by focusing on one word…

Yes, “obliterate” seems to be a bit polarizing for Israelis. But I’m thrilled to report that I had extensive discussions with Hamas about potential revisions to their charter, and they are willing to consider some alternative words to address these unfounded, silly fears.

I can’t say I’m surprised. Yet another Hamas olive branch. What words are being considered?

“Annihilate” and “decimate.”

I like them both. They clearly soften without changing intent.

I suggested “irradiate” and we all had a good laugh.

I’m sure you did. Well, Mr. President, that’s about all we have time for. I understand you’re off on another peace-keeping mission?

That’s right Keith. I’m heading on over to Africa to stay for a few weeks with the duly elected president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe. Except I call him Mugsy–it’s an inside joke. We laugh about that all the time.

It’s really a crime the way they are trying to steal the election from him. Anyone else smell a connection with Florida in 2000?

Aww, stop it Keith! You’re cracking me up here!

Always a pleasure Mr. President. Do me a favor? Build an extra nice house for Mugsy while you’re there. It seems like he could use the support.

Alright, will do Keith. Take care.

Editor’s Note: In Part III of our coverage of The Associated Press decision to pursue legal action against photo-journalism site Snapped Shot, The Nose On Your Face has come into possession of a transcript from the AP meeting where the decision was made to play hardball. TNOYF presents it here in its entirety, and, in the interest of maintaining journalistic authenticity, we’ve used only Associated Press photos for the purpose of this re-creation.

Tom Curley, AP President and CEO

OK, folks. Please settle down. I’ve got an important issue that’s been brought to my attention, and we need to make some important decisions.

Rather than try to explain myself what we’re up against here, I’d like to present the joint management team of the Associated Press Visual Sensitivity Department…

…Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Prime Minister Salam Fayyad. Gentlemen! Welcome (Applause). As usual, the floor is yours.

Thank you, Brother Curley. Ladies and gentlemen, I must address a serious issue that threatens our on-going ability to present the news from the Middle East, and particularly Palestine, with the rigid journalistic standards the world has come to expect from The Associated Press. It seems the blog Snapped Shot, a self-styled photo-journalist, is reprinting some of the images we work so hard to create– er, capture. The blogger in question, one Brian Ledbetter, often questions the authenticity of these images, or writes his own accompanying copy.

Kathleen Carrol, AP Executive Editor

Impossible!

I’m afraid it’s true, Ms. Carroll. And I’m afraid that you have once again forgotten your veil.

My apologies, Brother Mahmoud. It simply slipped off my shoulders.

It appears you are in need of a refresher course after last month’s one-on-one training, deftly provided by Brother Salam here.

Mmmm….Indeed!

Gentlemen, you know I have only the utmost respect for your customs and traditions, and share your disgust at the site of Ms. Carroll’s exposed flesh. In fact, I just vomited in my mouth a bit. But we must deal with the issue at hand.

Yes. We believe that legal action is required against Snapped Shot in order to maintain the integrity of our imagery.

Mike Silverman, AP Senior Managing Editor

Absolutely. This Ledbetter fellow fails to understand the hours of…preparation…that go into our images. Does he think news just happens by itself? Does he think that people are actually capable of interpreting imagery on their own, without AP-sanctioned copy that clearly explains the murderous Zionism behind the agony we stage- ah, display?

Apparently, Brother Michael. Tell me– Silverman, is that Jewish?

Absolutely not, and I’m insulted by the accusation, Brother Mahmoud. Now, only a suicide mission can cleanse me. Please send me against this Ledbetter fellow.

Your passion and earnestness is noted, Michael. But first, we must pursue the legal rout. Your time will come. OK, next steps. Kathleen?

She and Brother Salam are…how do you say? Having an offline conversation.

Excellent. Remember, no marks above the shoulders. I need her out front. Gentlemen, meeting adjourned.

The Nose On Your Face continues to examine the case of the Associated Press attempting to strong-arm blogger Brian Ledbetter from the photojournalism-critiquing website, Snapped Shot. Below is an actual copy of the letter Brian received from the AP’s lawyer. Our thoughts and clarifications can be found in boldface.

Dear Mr. Ledbetter:

It has come to The Associated Press’ (”AP”) attention that you are reproducing and displaying AP’s images on the website http://www.snappedshot.com/ (the “Website”). (Now how come this has come to your attention, but Muslim terrorists staging scenes of horrific barbarity perpetrated by U.S. Forces always seems to fly just under your radar? It’s the teddy bears they use isn’t it?) Our monitoring has shown that the copying and display of AP’s images is not isolated or sporadic but frequent and systemic (Actually, we aimed for “intermittent,” but it didn’t take long before it was “patchy.” After crossing that invisible boundary into “regular,” it was just a short jaunt into the looming blackness of “methodical.” ). For your reference, I have annexed (such a nice Marxist word) copies of the AP images taken from the Website (Did you have your Redundancy Department of Redundant Redundancies handle this?).

AP’s records do not indicate that you have a valid license to use AP’s images in connection with the Website (Is it still okay that my daughter cut out an AP picture for her class project? If you are going to serve her, at least wait until after school, please. First graders can get really embarrassed by that sort of thing.) . However, if you have acquired a valid license to reproduce and display AP’s images on the Website through some other legitimate source (Is that it? Then we are all set. Nigel from This Goes To 11 told Brian he could use them, and you can say whatever you’d like about Nigel,but you can’t say he’s not legit) please notify me immediately with proof of such license (can we just doctor one up quick? You guys usually seem cool with that sort of thing.).

As use of AP’s images is the same for which a license is required, reproduction and display of the AP images without a license constitutes a copyright infringement under the Copyright Act, Title 17, United States Code (your words make my hair hurt). Under the Copyright Act no exemption exists for the use of AP images in the manner that you are using the images (except for that pesky “Fair Use” thingy). This use is precisely the type of use that is validly licensed by other news and blogger sites (except for the vicious mocking, scorn, and ridicule). As such, AP is entitled to compensation for the unauthorized reproduction and public display of all AP’s images displayed on the Website. Until you obtain a proper license (Nigel’s photoshopping one right now. Told you that guy is legit.), you must immediately cease and desist from reproducing or displaying any of AP’s images (That whole “fair usage” thing can get pretty inconvenient when it shines the spotlight on you, can’t it?). If you are interested in continuing to use AP’s images, AP can offer you a license to reproduce and display its images on the Website going forward (After reading all of that, I think we can all agree that we’d like to put some more money into the pockets of the AP. After all, they are using it for good purposes, such as hiring lawyers like you). In any event, AP is entitled to, and will pursue from you, fees for the past use of its images (Perhaps we can work out a deal– he’ll stop using the images if you stop your persistent, unrelenting effort to go to any length, including lying, doctoring, and misleading the public, in your effort to destroy the United States. Sound good?) .

AP treats copyright infringement as a serious matter (unlike Islamofascism and it’s adherents who manipulate AP photographers for the purpose of spreading anti-Western propaganda) and is fully prepared to commence legal action to protect its intellectual property rights in its news services (unless the usage is by an impoverished, yet noble, revolutionary people who are trying to throw off the yoke of Zionism.) However, if you are interested in resolving this matter prior to litigation, AP expects full compliance with the above demands. Please contact me via email at pdoshi@ap.org or at 212-621-7287 within the next ten business days from the date written above, to discuss this matter in further detail (If this involves sending a large sum of money to a Nigerian church in exchange for more money coming back to me later, then count me out.). If I do not hear from you within the ten-day period, or it becomes clear that you refuse to comply with its obligations not to use AP’s images without permission, AP will take the actions necessary to enforce its legal rights (Never mind yours.)

Very truly yours (At least have the decency to say what you mean here. How about, “I very truly hope I can shove it sideways up your rectum?” Closer to the mark, don’t you think?),

Priti H. Doshi (Wait a minute, are you related to Shakeel Bhat? Is this going to turn up on an episode of Pakistani Punk’d? You rascal! You nearly had me!)
Corporate Counsel

ENCLOSURES
Also see: Transcript Of Meeting Where AP Decided To Take Action Against Snapped Shot

Our good friend Brian Ledbetter at the excellent photojournalism site Snapped Shot, has gotten a very raw deal from the folks at the Associated Press. It involves threatening him with a lawsuit. Please visit Snapped Shot to learn more about the situation. We aren’t exactly sure why the AP has chosen to pick on Brian, but we do have several theories.

9. There is no sense having high-paid lawyers on retainer if you can’t use them to threaten a blogger who is trying to perform a valuable service.

8. They thought he was that other Brian Ledbetter. You know, the pedophile who “bedazzles” his zipper with Milk Duds and Jaw Breakers and hangs out at Chuck E. Cheese restaurants on “Low IQ Appreciation Day.”

7. They were going to have a go at “Ralph Nader,” but decided that had been done to death.

6. His middle name is “Hussein.”

5. They really love our Top 9 Lists and were hoping to get one dedicated to them.

4. They are hoping that this will finally make Islamic Rage Boy like them enough to take the Senior Middle Eastern Protest Correspondent gig that they have been offering him for the past year and a half,

3. The New York Times wanted to do it, but they have their hands full at the moment.

2. They discovered that Brian used several “inappropriate pictures” of Vicki Iseman a while back.

1. While Brian always credits their pictures, he also insists on writing “-ss -irates” after the A and P.

Also see: Transcript Of Meeting Where AP Decided To Take Action Against Snapped Shot

TNOYF’s New York Times mole has provided us with another behind the scenes transcript of an editorial brainstorming session. As amateurs in the fake news business, we find we can learn a lot from the masters.

Let’s listen in!

——

Bill Keller, NY Times Editor

Good morning everyone. As many of you know, there was a bit of a dust-up over the John McCain-Vicki Iseman piece we ran last week. For the life of me, I cannot understand why, but my sense is we’ve once again overestimated the ability of the average American to extrapolate the truth from a careful blend of innocuous facts and New York Times-grade supposition. Whatever the case, the important thing is that we need to keep our heads in the game and get back to the rock-solid journalism that has made the New York Times the “paper of record.” Okay, what have you got for me today?

Paul Krugman

Hey chief, I have it on good authority from my wife’s rolfing therapist, who has another client who once took a class at a community college where the instructor knew a Vietnam vet who was in combat with another guy who had some pretty interesting things to say about Senator McCain.

I’m listening.

Turns out Senator Straight Talk took a liking to the taste of human flesh during his time in ‘Nam. More specifically, it seems that his favorite food came directly off of the bones of young Asian boys. Thigh meat was his meal of choice, although he apparently wouldn’t turn down any parts, if you know what I mean.

Can we verify any of this?

Well, it depends on how you’re defining “verify.” If it’s the antiquated “prove” definition, not exactly. However, when you take “verify” in its modern, more progressive definition, we feel pretty comfortable that its true.

Well, we are progressive.

With a capital “P,”chief.

Great, this one has definite potential. While I’d like to see some more sourcing, don’t let it get in the way of bringing a critical piece of information to the American people. I’ve got to believe that once they see the element of interracial cannibalism, they won’t be interested in any petty journalistic squabbles about appropriate sourcing. Maureen, what have you got?

Maureen Dowd

I had a dream last night that McCain trafficked in child pornography in the late 1990s.

I like it so far. Any details?

Yes, it was one of those incredibly vivid, lifelike dreams that you just know is grounded in reality. It’s like I was right there watching him at his computer with his pants around his ankles as he hit the “bookmark this” option on his latest bit of kiddie smut. If I actually believed in hell, he would deserve to rot in it!

That sick bastard. Okay, this one is good too. Damn good. We still have some room on the front page though. Anybody else?

Scott Shane

What would you say if I told you that John McCain not only engages in repeated, extremely kinky extra-marital affairs, but does so with animals on the endangered species list?

He wouldn’t dare…

Oh yes he would. Marine turtles. Baby pandas–

Not the-

Yes. The spotted owl.

NOOOOOOOO!

Yes. In fact, occasionally he would enjoy the company of several species at the same time. Something the good Senator refers to as a “menage a fauna.”

I am simply speechless. Just when you think you’ve heard it all, someone tops it with a monstrously depraved act like this. Sources?

Not “traditional” sources, no. But I’ve got a really strong hunch about this one.

I respect a journalist who goes with his instincts. Well done. Okay folks, we lead with Scott’s piece. Let’s get a move on. The news isn’t just going to happen on its own! Let’s move!

Ed: TNOYF has obtained an advance copy of a memo that will be circulated January 2 at the offices of The New York Times announcing the hiring of conservative Bill Kristol as an opinion columnist.

———————————————

To: All Employees

From: Art Sulzberger, Publisher

Date: January 2, 2008

Re: New Staff Member–Bill Kristol

Welcome back. I hope everyone had a wonderfully secular winter solstice.

Many of you no doubt have heard the news that, in the grand tradition of diversity that is a hallmark of this great newspaper, conservative Bill Kristol will soon join us as an opinion columnist. I’m personally quite pleased to finally add the elusive neo-conservative species to the New York Times employee mosaic. Further, I am confident that Mr. Kristol will look absolutely fabulous sitting in between the transgendered Mongolian-American proofreader, Genghis John, and Darnae, our formaldehyde-entombed, late-term abortion mascot.

However, judging from some of the emails I received over the break, as well as Frank Rich’s unfortunate decision to set himself on fire, it’s clear this move has had an unsettling effect on many. So, in an effort to alleviate any anxiety, and to maintain the type of working environment necessary to publish America’s newspaper, we will be introducing a Neo-Con Sensitivity Training Program (NCSTP). This program will help us all understand the true nature of Mr. Kristol’s condition and give us some pointers on what we can expect when interacting with a real conservative.

However, since many of you won’t be able to take the seminar for a few weeks, I’ll use this opportunity to lay out a few key points that may help you get comfortable with Mr. Kristol (I’m sure many of you are aware of what happened at CNN when they got their first neo-con, so I’d like to avoid a repeat here).

• Like you and I, Bill Kristol puts his pants on one leg at a time–he’s just thinking about dead Iraqi babies, single malt Scotch, and his Haliburton dividends checks while he’s doing it. My point is that we should try to view him as just another staff member, and try to find common ground and mutual respect. Also, as a general rule, try to avoid startling him and limit direct eye contact to less than two seconds.

• Mr. Kristol is a neo-con, as in neo-conservative. Your NCSTP training will offer a more in-depth explanation of the difference between a standard-grade conservative and neo-con, but for now, imagine the difference between a really bad case of the flu and full-blown AIDS. Also, it will be important to not confuse neo-con with neo-com, or neo-communist, the employee group that meets every Tuesday and Thursday at 4:30 in the Stalin room.

• Due to the unenlightened nature prevalent in those with his ideological underpinnings, Mr. Kristol may often actually say what he means (this style of speaking was common years ago, before countless victims had the courage to come forward and seek redress for blatantly direct talk). Until we are able to better train Mr. Kristol, staffers should be prepared for this unorthodox style of communication. For example, where we might say, “I’m pleased we’ve both shared our feelings and I look forward to trying to come up with a better solution,” Mr. Kristol might say, “The fact that I won’t get back the ten minutes I just spent listening to you makes me want to drive a pencil into your eye.”

• I’ve confirmed with some colleagues that Mr. Kristol urinates standing up. While this will take some getting used to, make every effort not to stare.

• It’s quite possible that Mr. Kristol will have an American flag in his office. Do not be alarmed if it is not on fire; he apparently prefers it this way. (Note: This will in no way impact the standard NYT practice of hanging white flags in your office.)

Look for further communication from your Human Resources representative, and please join me in welcoming Mr. Kristol to the New York Times family!

Check out TNOYF’s New York Times Employee Entrance Exam

Hello and good day. We must interrupt Christine Amanpour’s riveting docudrama “You Say Terrorist, We Say Freedom Fighter” to allow presidential candidate John Edwards an opportunity to address today’s breaking story from the National Enquirer. Senator Edwards, what say you to these allegations that you are the father of an unborn child who’s mother, Rielle Hunter, once worked on your campaign?

Well, Wolf, needless to say, I’m floored by these allegations. And while it’s impossible to overstate the impact they are having on my wife Elizabeth’s health, you can be sure I’ll try. As you know, Elizabeth’s breast cancer is no longer in remission, and the doctors warned us that any further stress would send her tumors into a metastatic orgy that wouldn’t end until each of her vital organs had been devoured.

Um, I’m sorry to hear that, Senator, and the secular healing thoughts of everyone at CNN are with Elizabeth. But to these allegations–

Have you ever heard the sound of a spleen being eaten by cancer, Wolf?

I’m not sure I have, Senator.

Have you seen “Alien?”

Senator, I’m very sorry, but we have limited time and I’m sure you want to address these allegations.

Sure Wolf. It’s not your spleen.

OK. Yes, I saw “Aliens.”

Too late. Let’s move on.

OK. Can you address these allegations?

Yes I can, Wolf. Rather than engage in an exhausting game of “he said/she said,” I decided to go the source to exonerate myself.

The source?

Yes, Wolf. You may recall that I have extensive experience communicating with unborn children, from my time as a litigator.

You, uh, spoke to the baby?

I like to call it fetus whispering, Wolf. Let’s remember, it’s not really a “baby” yet.

I’m appalled that I said “baby.” I meant “fetus.”

Sure, you’ll call a quivering mass of cells a “baby” but you’ve got no love for Elizabeth’s spleen.

So, uh, what did the fetus tell you?

The fetus, who wishes to be called Steve, confirmed that I am not its father.

That’s all?

No. The fetus also expressed fear about the widening gap between the rich and the poor.

Th- um, uh…

My gift is often a burden, Wolf.

Anything else, Senator, that you want to say about these allegations?

There is, Wolf. I’d like your viewers to see this sonogram of the baby.

Look closely.

Now, do you really think I could have sired a creature with hair like that?

That looked like-

–someone else’s fetus! You’re right, Wolf! Anyhoo, I’ve got to tend to Elizabeth. Pretty sure I just heard her gall bladder pop.

Thank you, Senator.

CLICK HERE TO CAST YOUR VOTE FOR TNOYF’S BEST POST OF 2007 

Editor: New footage of the testy exchange last week between reporter Helen Thomas and White House Press Secretary Dana Perino has emerged. TNOYF presents it here in its full, unedited glory.

______________________________________________________________________________

“..so, 5,700 troops will be home by the end of the year, so that is some troops coming home. The President said that troop levels are going to be made by commanders on the ground, and that we’re going to have to be-”

“SAN EEP NO MAPTO FAN EE WAN?”

“Helen, the American people have had a say. They elected a president, he is their Commander-in-Chief and is making decisions based on what his commanders on the ground are telling him-”

“FANN MOOP TEE RAY FLAN POD RAF CLON?”

“They elected a Commander-in-Chief, and the President is bringing home 5,700 troops based on the recommendations of his commanders on the ground. Hopefully in the future we can bring home more, but it’s going to depend on what General Petraeus says, and-”

“LAK RECOT FLAR TEP MAM OW NA?”

“Helen, I find it really unfortunate that you use your front row position– taking up three seats mind you– bestowed upon you by your colleagues, to make such statements. It is an honor and a privilege to be in the briefing room and to suggest that we are killing innocent people is just absurd and very offensive, particularly coming from someone who’s small, largely useless hands are not clean.”

“NAP MAH FOP TEN CLOT SHEOP?”

“Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean, but let me spell it out for you. Over the course of President Bush’s two terms in office, seven of our White House Press interns who disagreed with you have been mysteriously discovered frozen in carbon.”

“WAP LON FRON TIF VORK?”

“At last year’s ‘White House Tribute to Mark Twain’, upwards of thirty frogs went missing from the frog-jumping contest.”

“GERP LEAT FLAN LIT-”

“…their remains were found in your stool.”

“BLAN, TOR ERP LU! BLAN SHEE!”

“Fine, Helen. But what about the cache of Revlon Puppy Blood Crimson lipstick that was discovered in your lair? I’m looking right at the land mass that it has to cover, and let’s just say that you aren’t buying that amount of lipstick on a reporters salary.”

“DREL LON UN FREW OP TUN BAP LEEP BOL IRF TAP WAKY NAN FLON TO LOP POL CAR NOPYWAN TELOP WERP FANTWAN BON MORT FEL!”

…

“TORPLANFLENT.”

“Next question.”

9. (tie) Bush Manipulates Numbers Of U.S. Troop Deaths In Iraq To Detract Attention From His Causing California Wildfires

9. (tie) Bush Fails To Maintain Status Quo In Iraq

8. Promise of Clinton Presidency Lowers U.S. Troop Death Rate

7. Experts Say Less U.S. Troops Dying Because They’re Busy Raping Iraqi Women And Puppies

6. (tie) U.S. Troop Mortality Decrease Offset By Increase In Surviving Soldiers

6. (tie) Number Of U.S. Troops Cut Down In The Prime Of Their Life Last Month Slightly Less Than The Number Of U.S. Troops Horrifically Slaughtered The Month Prior

5. (tie) American Military Casualties In Iraq Up 100% From Twenty Years Ago

5. (tie) Sources Say NYT Op-Ed Page Primarily Resonsible For Declining U.S. Troop Deaths In Iraq 

4. Imperialist Superpower Reports (Alleged) Decrease in Death Rate Of Fascist Soldiers In Illegal War For Oil

3. Insiders Say U.S. Troops Dying Less Frequently, But Far More Painfully

2. Despite Decline In Troop Death Rate, Leading Experts Agree That All U.S. Troops Currently In Iraq Will Be Completely Obliterated By The Turn Of The Century

1. U.S. Casualties in Iraq Decline: Undertakers, Florists Hardest Hit