After remaining neutral during some of the most important conflicts over the past five centuries, Switzerland has finally come forward and taken a firm stance on an issue they feel is of paramount importance to not only their survival, but the survival of the world as we know it: vegetable rights.

Neutrality has been the official Swiss policy since 1516, enabling them to delicately “straddle the fence of history” as many in this mountainous country are fond of saying.

“It is not that we Swiss are afraid of conflict,” said Swiss parliamentarian Anton Di Fleur. “It’s just that nothing has occurred until now that we considered worthy of our attention and efforts. We heard that Hitler had killed some Jews, but that was all sorted out in short order, relatively speaking. The plight of the average citizen in the USSR during Soviet-era communism? Slightly moving, but hey, no one told them they had to stay there. But the vegetable. The innocent, harmless vegetable. Cultivated. Cared for. And then cruelly murdered and eaten. Future generations shall look back on our treatment of vegetables and no doubt consider it the most vile and wicked of betrayals that one group of sentient beings has perpetrated against another. ”

The Swiss have become so enamored of the cause, that they recently added a provision to their constitution that requires “account to be taken of the dignity of creation when handling animals, plants and other organisms.”

The significance of the Swiss declaration was not lost on progressive thinkers across the pond.

“This is such a postive thing that has occurred in Switzerland,” said Berkeley student and president of the campus chapter of the pro-choice group, ‘Abort! Abort! Abort!’, Chloe Heidenberg.  ”Standing up for the dignity of vegetables, Terry Schiavo notwithstanding of course, is something that is long overdo.” 

Di Fleur went on to say that although this a notable accomplishment, there is still much work to be done.

“Yes, this is unmistakably a victory for the equal rights of all living things, but it is but one battle in a much larger war. I can only hope that this paves the way for even larger causes. Take viruses for example. It concerns me deeply that the systematic killing of a group of living things has been so callously and enthusiastically accepted, nay, sanctioned, by entire groups of people and governments. We clearly have more work to do.” 

Melanie Morgan has uncovered a letter from an anarchist website that provides us with a glimpse into the mindset of a person who would actually identify himself as an anarchist. The person who penned the following article is upset with the United States Marine Corps. heavy-handed behaviors which include everything from existing, to recruiting more Marines, to fighting for the rights of Americans (including anarchists) around the world.

Since anarchists by their nature are opposed to organization, we added our thoughts in italics and bold for purposes of clarification.

Fuck state power (I like the way you jumped right in and used your “important voice.” This should erase any doubt that you are a serious-minded individual who is looking to test his carefully crafted viewpoints in the arena of ideas.) ! And let’s be clear (I thought you people liked “nuance?”), the right wing groups like A Gathering of Eagles, and Move America Forward, are not only all about state power (they are for lower nacho prices too), but they want state power to be used to crush us (That’s patently false. I want to see you crushed by good old fashioned, grassroots power. Or a meteor.). They represent the most reactionary elements of the state (As opposed to someone like you, who comes from the calm, measured, and reasonable school of thought) which support the most disgusting acts performed by “our troops,” (If by “disgusting acts” you mean protecting “protecting radical treasonous douchebags,” then you might be on to something here) from the bombing of Falluja to the torture of Iraqi civilians, to supporting the mercenary pigs of Blackwater. (Looks like someone is putting his new copy of “Flowery Rhetoric For the Budding Young Rabblerouser” to good use!).

You can argue that world can’t wait, Answer, and code pink are authoritarian groups, (you could also argue that the blood trickling from my ears right now is a direct result of my reading your poorly crafted, yet logically retarded ramblings) but who do you see wielding the ax at your throat the most, right now as you read these words (Wait…I know this. Paul Bunyan? Nope, that’s not it. Jack Nicholson? No. Oh I know, a semi-literate asshat who lives in his grandma’s attic and gets an erection over the thought of dead American soldiers.) ? What is needed right now is direct confrontation of these right-wing assholes (Actually, I agree completely. You should challenge one of the Marines to an Ultimate Fighting match. Or do you mean the other kind of direct confrontation? The one where you leave a bicycle with explosives in front of the recruitment office and then flit away like a scared kitten?) who are coming to our area (I thought they were all overseas stealing oil and raping baby harp seals? Stick to one line of thinking, will you please?) , in order to silence and keep us in line (oink!) (Mmmm. Bacon.).

Think what great advancement and opportunities will come if the Marine station closes down (Let me guess. You’re hoping for a coffee shop that hosts a regular “poetry night” so you will finally get the recognition a person of your talent deserves), we can already see the great amount of debate and polarization that is happening just by challenging (I checked the thesaurus on this one, but I couldn’t find “challenge” as an alternative word for “blowing up”) the existence of one military recruitment center. Let’s turn up the heat!!! (You’ll be sorry if you do. There’s not much worse in this world than the smell of baked patchouli and stale ass.)”

The American Civil Liberties Union recently filed a brief citing a ruling in Minnesota Supreme Court thirty-eight years ago, that found that individuals who have sex in public restroom stalls “have a reasonable expectation of privacy.”

To the shock of some, this brief was entered on behalf of a Republican: Senator Larry Craig of Idaho.

“I know, I know,” said ACLU spokesman Sandy Vazheen. “We’ve been catching a lot of flack for representing ‘one of them.’ I’m a little bit uncomfortable with it myself. But the ACLU prides itself on advocating for anyone who has had his or her rights trampled on. Do the majority of victims fall on the liberal side of the political spectrum? By definition, yes. However, when mainstream behavior like Senator Craig’s comes under fire, the ACLU will step up to the plate regardless of that person’s party affiliation. Unless, of course, that person is a Jesus-freak, a Southerner, or someone who voted for Reagan.”

Critics have questioned Vazheen’s categorization of coital relations in public restrooms as “mainstream.”

“This defies belief,” said Conservative Party spokesman James Grezner. “Not only is the ACLU working feverishly to destroy any last shred of decency in this country, and to redefine ‘mainstream,’ but they are also creating an incredibly hostile work environment for right-leaning satirists. How do those poor folks top this? Who will stand up for their rights?” 

For his part, Vazheen stands by his statement.

“It’s very easy for people like Mr. Grezner to criticize others while he sits there in his Big-Oil-funded, 50,000-square-foot mansion that was built on top of a spotted owl sanctuary. He is obviously a gay-bashing, Christian bigot. But back to the issue at hand. There is a legal precedent from 1970 that addresses this exact situation. Does that mean nothing? I think my mentor, ACLU legend Bernie Hokum, put it best when he said, ’I may not agree with the particular stall you choose to perform extramarital, homosexual sodomy within earshot of children in, but I will defend with my life your ability to exercise your Gaia-given right to do so.’ Powerful words indeed.”  

Grezner remained unmoved.

“Let’s not forget what other precedents the ’70s brought us. Platform shoes, disco music, feathered hair, and the Carter presidency. Furthermore, I’ve read my Constitution and I can’t seem to find the part where it says that we have the right to turn public restrooms into fellatio-riddled, AIDS-incubators. I’m just sayin’…” 

9. Global warming began when Ezra Levant willed the temperature in Canada up a few degrees–you know, just to take the chill out of the air.

8. 95% of all monsters surveyed reported that they are either “absolutely terrified” or “hysterically afraid” of Ezra Levant. Levant already ate the remaining 5%.

7. Ezra Levant once looked Helen Thomas directly in the face and lived to tell about it.

6. (tie) Ezra Levant can grow a thicker mustache than both Tom Selleck and Rosie O’Donnell.

6. (tie) Ezra Levant is actually registered twice as a lethal weapon: once for himself and once for his aura.

5. Ezra Levant eats live cougars sprinkled with Jack Bauer, washes it down with a sandpaper and Chuck Liddell milkshake, and then wipes himself with Chuck Norris.

4. Ezra Levant got the gang from Scooby Doo to stop meddling. Singlehandedly.

3. Ezra Levant forced the band “Better Than Ezra” to change their name to “Alberta Human Rights Commission”: because no one is better than Ezra.

2. New studies show that Muslim suicide bombers aren’t sacrificing themselves for Allah, they’re just trying to escape the wrath of Ezra Levant.

1. If you ever find yourself being persecuted for your views by one of those politically correct government types, simply say “Ezra Levant” three times really fast. He will appear out of thin air and reduce the offender to a whimpering kitten in no time flat with his irresistible onslaught of crane-style verbal kung fu.

DONATE TO EZRA LEVANT’S DEFENSE FUND HERE (Top right corner.)

Although dismissed by many as a lunatic and a psychopath after stating that Iran does not have the “phenomenon of homosexuality,” scientists are now saying that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may in fact be speaking the truth.

“Iran is located in a very unique area of the world,” said Dr. Thomas Linderacker, chariman of Harvard University’s Paranormal Studies Department. “Much like the Bermuda Triangle, there are in fact many occurrences that we just do not have answers for. We have discovered that for some reason, literally the second a homosexually-themed person or object crosses the border into Iran, they instantly turn hetero. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it has been well-documented. The closest thing I can compare it to is the way that things immediately grow larger once they enter Texas, or the way that ordinary inanimate objects become edible when they are in the presence of Rosie O’Donnell.”

Linderacker provided the following photographic evidence to support his claim (click to enlarge):

Linderacker did point out, though, that the Iranian “Gay-Blaster” Forcefield was often powerless when confronted with “super strength gay. You know what I mean– that pure, unadulterated, show-tune strength gayness that makes ovaries contract and dogs whimper.”

TNOYF has obtained an advance copy of some of the queries submitted by Columbia University students for Iranian President Ahmadinejad, who visits the campus today as part of his continuing worldwide goodwill tour.

Dear Esteemed Leader:

It seems the explosives you are supplying to the freedom fighters in Iraq aren’t killing and maiming the illegally occupying American soldiers at the rate we’d hoped for. Have you considered switching to a device with a greater air blast and superior fragment projection? Or, failing that, perhaps taking a page from our brothers in the Palestinian resistance and filling the IEDs with ball bearings, nails, and thumb tacks?

______________________________________________________

Oh Mighty Prince of Persia:

First, let me apologize for those mindless Neo-con (talk about redundant!) protests outside. It’s a sad day indeed when the benevolent leader of a major world power is pelted with Slurpee cups and greeted with cries of “Hey cabbie!” Furthermore, I really felt the “Goat Whisperer” signs were beyond the pale.

My question stems from a recent discussion we had in my Womyn’s Studies Class. A freshman suggested that Iran’s policies toward women could be construed as borderline intolerant, citing the recent death by stoning of an Iranian woman for adultery. I quickly pointed out the faulty, blatantly ethnocentric thinking inherent in this student’s remark. My question is this: in this supposedly “enlightened” day and age, why are so many people still so intolerant of different cultures? And please don’t give me the “He’s just a freshman” line. I was a freshman like three semesters ago and was never a raging xenophobe like that Hitler-youth wannabe.

______________________________________________________

Dearest Sultan:

First, I want to apologize for the so-called lizards at the Zionist blog Little Green Footballs who have taken to calling you “DinnerJacket.” That their ignorance and intolerance extends even to their fashion sensibility should not surprise us. The enlightened among, us, however, can appreciate that a Members Only jacket never goes out of style.

My question is this: many BusHitler supporters conveniently believe that, in your famous “World Without Zionism” speech, you said that “Israel should be wiped from the map.” Last week, in my Tibetan Film and TV class, the professor told us that academic scholars have properly translated the phrase as, “Live long and prosper my Hebrew brethren.” Clearly, this translation is more in keeping with Iran’s great tradition of tolerance. But I remain perplexed: why is it that Israel wants to kill Arab babies?
_______________________________________________________

Mighty Monarch of Mesopotamia:

It is a pleasure to have a real, live revolutionary speak at our humble school. I know many Rethuglicans have put enormous pressure on Columbia to prevent you from speaking. To this university’s credit, they haven’t backed down. The free exchange of ideas-especially unpopular ones-must be allowed to continue in this country; especially in the halls of academe. I am looking forward to hearing what you have to say. I already know it will be a quantum leap ahead of the vile, racist Minutemen speech that we had to shut down last year. I would like to know if you will be coming out with a line of t-shirts similar to Che Guevera’s? I know like a hundred dudes who would totally buy one. Keep it in mind.

_______________________________________________________

President Ahmadinejad,

Two-part question: First, is it difficult to break into your line of work? Second, are you currently accepting interns?

_______________________________________________________

The Nose On Your Face has uncovered the transcript of the MoveOn.org brainstorming meeting that produced the now infamous General “Betray-Us” advertisement in the New York Times.

MoveOn Chairman: All right folks, we are under a bit of a time crunch here. General Petraeus is set to speak to Congress in just seven days and we haven’t even begun to create an advertisement that preemptively maligns, discredits, and rebuts him yet. First things first. Dave, did you clear up that little snafu about paying the full advertising rates over at the Times?

Dave: Sure did. Turns out that the person I spoke with is new and was unaware of protocol. Shouldn’t be a problem again. Oh that reminds me, I’m going to neeed a purchase order for twenty-five bucks to cover the full-page spread.

MoveOn Chairman: Terrific. Okay, let’s start off by throwing some ideas, any ideas, out on the table.

Jim: How about we burn him in effigy?

MoveOn Chariman: Hmm. I like it, but it might be a bit too “Arab Street” even for the New York Times. What else?

Jeff: How about we burn him in actuality and then tell everyone he was a witch?

MoveOn Chairman: Okay, okay, build on that a bit….

Dave: Let’s use some logic here. It is common knowledge that Bush is the second coming of Hitler. Everyone knows that Hitler loved to swim…

Cathy: …and KILL!

Dave: Yes, but focus, Cathy. Where does one swim? A pond. What else swims in ponds?

Jeff: Diseased, oil-slathered beavers?

Cathy: Trout riddled with mercury because Bush didn’t ratify Kyoto?

Laura: Karl Rove’s fat mother?

All: Ha, ha, ha, that is rich-

Steve: Toads.

All: AH!

Dave: Exactly. And the relationship between witches and toads is exceedingly well-documented. Case closed.

MoveOn Chairman: Definite possibility. What else?

Laura: How about some sort of play on his name? Like “Slave-id Petreaus.” Get it? “Slave-id?” Because he is trying to make us slaves to the right wing machine?

MoveOn Chairman: Ooh. That’s good too. More?

Cathy: Or, David Petrol-us. Cause he’s all about the PETROL! NO WAR FOR OIL!

Laura: Ooh, ooh. How about- this is so cool- “Venereal Petreaus.” You see what I did there?

Jeff: No. Why can’t we set him on fire again?

MoveOn Chairman: Look closely, Jeff. Yes, Laura, yes I do. Damn. That’s strong as well.

Dave: I’ve got it! “General Betray-us!” Because what he will probably say clearly demonstrates that he betrayed us!

MoveOn Chairman: I’m not worthy. Folks, let’s take a minute to soak this up. We are in the presence of genius here. Genius. This is going to go down in history with “Bush Lied, People Died” and painting “War” at the bottom of “Stop” signs as one of the best progressive slogans of all time. Okay that’s a wrap. Let’s make this happen.

Fresh off of his team’s stunning victory at the recently completed Asian Cup, Iraqi national team captain Younis Mahmoud took the opportunity to say that he would like to see America out of his homeland, and that he wished they “didn’t invade Iraq” in the first place. To the surprise of many, Mahmoud went on to assert that by freeing Iraq’s soccer team from the notoriously brutal grip of Saddam’s son Uday, America actually made their task more difficult.

“Yes, yes, yes, America always knows best don’t they?” Mahmoud asked rhetorically. “Coming into my country and shaking things up; destroying years of tradition. I actually had one of the American’s tell me that with Uday gone, I should have motivation to win - get this- for myself and my “newly freed country.” Well let me tell you something my friend. You want motivation? Try taking a penalty kick with a wood chipper staring at you from behind the net. Try playing a must-win World Cup qualifier with a remote-detonated explosive device strapped to your man parts. And don’t even get me started about how we used to run suicides. That is motivation. Save the ‘Gipper’ stories for foolish schoolgirls.”

A U.S. military spokesman had the following to say.

“I can certainly see where Mr. Mahmoud is coming from,” said Captain Rick Corlett. “I have a bit of a nostalgic streak myself. That is why we are going to leave, but not before we put things right. As we speak I am having my men re-mine the soccer fields and dust off the genital dart guns. Obviously we cannot reinstate Uday as Minister of Sport, but we were able to work out an early release deal with Charles Manson.”

Mahmoud called the gesture “a good start” and went on to say that although Manson “is no Uday, he does have an impressive body of work; even by Middle Eastern standards.”

As baseball fans heatedly debate the merits of Barry Bonds’ inevitable ascendance to career home run king, a different controversy surfaced yesterday when the asterisk, the star-like typographical symbol expected by many to appear alongside Bonds’ place in the record books to denote the slugger’s steroid use, announced that it wanted “no part” of Bonds’ record. In the shocking announcement, a visibly testy asterisk said the association with the slugger’s tarnished image would sully its “storied reputation” and perhaps impact its ability to find meaningful work in the future.

“I usually try to stay out of controversy, but Barry Bonds is a pompous, narcissistic fool,” said the asterisk. “I’m drawing the line. It’s time some other punctuation marks start to carry some of this dirty water. In fact, I’ll call out the question mark. Why don’t we put the very symbol of uncertainty, doubt and improbability alongside Mr. Bonds’ skid mark in the record book? WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE ASTERISK?”

The question mark was unavailable for comment. A phone call to its home was answered by the semi-colon, who said the question mark was attending a seminar on the proper use of conjunctive adverbs with the apostrophe and the ellipsis. But the semi-colon offered some insight into the debate.

“Look, the asterisk has a point; we all need to take a good look at this,” he said. “I, for one, thought this might be a great opportunity for the ampersand to step up and recover from the Hall & Oates tragedy. But it might just be that the horrid responsibility of having linked the two guys who wrote the song Maneater is too much to overcome.”

Update:  A representative for the period told our sources that a blockbuster deal with the asterisk was scuttled this morning.  Details are sketchy, but the period had offered to assume responsibility for Bonds’ record in exchange for being relieved of its responsibility as the shorthand expression for a woman’s menstrual cycle.  The deal imploded when the National Organization for Women threatened to abandon all punctuation usage entirely if women were forced to say, “Oh crap, I just got my asterisk.”

Update 2:  The umlaut ¨ reportedly offered its services to the asterisk without condition but was turned down for being “too French, even for Barry Bonds.”  When the asterisk was told that the umlaut appears in several other European languages, it responded, “Oh, no, does this mean that they won’t like us?  Cause I’m really worried about pissing off the Europeans right now, when my entire existence is about to be associated with a guy who looks like an over-cooked Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.  Really.  Let me check the old asterisk-priority list pronto, cause heaven forbid we PISS OFF THE EUROPEANS, THE FOLKS WHO BROUGHT US THE GODFORSAKEN TILDE (~),  BASICALLY A WANDERING, SPINELESS DASH THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SAY “NYAH.” 

In a cruel twist of fate Roy Pearson, the man who filed a $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner who lost his pants, now finds himself on the defensive. Pearson’s former girlfriend Melissa DeLoach has filed suit against him for failing to live up to his own lofty guarantees of coital performance.

“Quite frankly, my client feels duped,” said DeLoach’s attorney, J.D. Shuttelworth. “There were certain copulatory promises that were made by Mr. Pearson that simply never materialized. This breach of oral contract, so to speak, has left my client distraught. Compensation is in order.”

That compensation, $75 billion dollars, is to defray the pain and suffering that DeLoach claims never came into being as a result of Pearson’s lackadaisical effort.

The suit makes the following contentions:

• Although he did get slightly “jiggy-wid” Ms. DeLoach , Mr. Pearson never in fact “rocked her world.”
• Despite Mr. Pearson’s repeated claims to the contrary, Ms. DeLoach was never able to see her deity during intercourse.
• Mr. Pearson made repeated, mockingly rhetorical questions that insinuated that Ms. DeLoach does not know who her father is.

Shuttelworth continued, “It’s one thing to claim you’re ‘packing nine in the pants’. It’s quite another thing to surreptitiously be using the metric system when making this statement.”

Beautiful yet exceedingly troubled Vermont has been put back on twenty-four-hour guard after declaring their intentions to secede from the United States of America. This new development comes on the heels of other exhibitions of self-destructive behavior by the Green Mountain State.

“This is as clear a cry for help as any I can recall,” said psychiatrist Daniel Wicklacz. “They have been abusing themselves for years and we watched and did nothing. Civil unions. Socialist senators. Naming Todd Bridges as their tourism spokesman. At least now it looks like Vermont might finally get the help it needs.” 

Some citizens, however, are quite pleased with Vermont’s decision which they say will end up benefiting the country as a whole.

“This is our big chance to take back Vermont and rebuild it from the ground up,” said Utica, New York native Mark Ferguson. “Once you get past the VW Bugs laden with anti-Bush bumper stickers driven by balding, ponytail-clad asshats, it’s a pretty place to visit. The way I see it, declaring secession is tantamount to declaring war and I certainly like our chances in a straight-up fight with the 51st Yummy Ice Cream Brigade. What’s the point of having lax gun laws if you only use them to make taxpayer funded gay snuff films?”

On the whole, most Vermonters back secession from the nation they feel is hindering their progress. 

“Vermont has plenty to offer its citizens and our association with the America is holding us back,” said Burlington citizen Solara Maizeworth. “We are on the cutting- no, the bleeding- edge of the progressive movement; ahead of our time if you will. Did you know that we were named as the state ‘Most Friendly To Child Predators’ for the seventh straight time by Pedophile Fancymagazine? Probably not. Are you aware of the fact that we have the highest density of homosexual bed ‘n’ breakfasts west of Provincetown? I didn’t think so. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you also have no clue that over the last twenty-three years, 85% of the medal recipients at the highly regarded International Granola Games have been Vermonters. We demand respect, and forming our own nation is the first step in that direction.”    

Scales Elementary School in Murfreesboro, Tennessee took their annual field trip to Falls Creek Falls last week and as per tradition, school officials pulled a prank on the assembled students. This year’s practical joke involved the lead teacher informing students that several gunmen were on the loose in the campground, and then ordering them to hide underneath tables for cover.

Shortly afterward, the teachers let the stunned sixth graders in on the joke.

“You should have seen the looks on their pathetic little faces when they thought that there were really guys armed with rifles shooting haphazardly throughout the campground,” said home economics teacher Bea Didrickson. “It’s amazing. When they think their life is in danger, sixth grade boys sound an awful lot like first grade girls. ‘Aahh! Get down everybody! They’re going to kill us!’ What a bunch of pansies.”

School administrators have proclaimed this year’s prank a huge success and say that it will be hard to top.

“On a scale of one to ten, I’d give this a nine and a half,” said Assistant Principal George Brady. “This is right up there with the year we informed the kids that the tater tots they had just eaten were laced with the AIDS virus, and that the only cure was to gargle with a mixture of red hot sauce and Clorox. Priceless. Or the time in 2002 when we had some local convenience store clerks pose as terrorists and hold the students hostage at gunpoint. The stupid kids couldn’t even tell an Indian accent from a Saudi Arabian one. What’s more, the ‘guns’ they had weren’t even loaded! Classic, just classic.”

School officials are already busy planning next year’s practical joke excursion. Although they were hesitant to give details, our sources tell us they are leaning towards going with a simulated rape theme.

Florida based attorney Jack Thompson has gained a certain degree of notoriety over the years for his aggressive stance against violence in the video game industry. Thompson maintains that violent video games are often used as “murder simulators” to prepare young people for attacks such as Columbine and most recently, the Virginia Tech tragedy.

Thompson has taken this same line of reasoning and adapted it slightly for his most recent undertaking; a class action lawsuit against Namco Games for what he calls “callous disregard for our most vulnerable citizens.”

Thompson alleges that the game Pac Man, developed in Japan in 1979 and introduced in the U.S. shortly after, encouraged American teenagers to take hits of “yellow blotter” in record amounts during that era.

“Do I really need to spell it out?” asked Thompson. “It’s right there as plain as day. Pac Man opens his mouth and runs around eating tiny yellow dots. What happens next? He gets super-strength and attains the ability to eat ghosts. He doesn’t even have legs or a face for Christ’s sake! Plus he’s trippier looking than Christopher Walken in drag.”

Thomspon further bolstered his case by citing numerous police reports from that time peiod.

“When law enforcement officials took a person who was high on LSD into custody, do you know what the most common statement given was?” asked Thompson. “Wocka, wocka, wocka. That’s right. Wocka. Wocka. Wocka. Unless you are going to try and convince me that Fozzie Bear was a Deadhead, that only leaves one cuplrit.”   

Thompson was noncommittal when asked about future lawsuits, but did say he may go after the makers of Tetris on behalf of players “who cannot sleep at night without multi-colored geometric shapes constantly rotating in their minds.”  

The discovery that the famous Saratoga Spa State Park’s “natural mineral water” baths have been diluted with ordinary tap water has been met with outrage by scores of people around the nation. However, it is the bathhouse community itself that is most upset.

“I’m not happy about this, I’ll tell you that,” said San Francisco resident Daniel Pearson, proprietor of ‘Sweaty Dan’s Rinse ‘n’ A Reach Around’. “It’s hard enough trying to combat the stereotypes that go with owning a bathhouse. Like, ‘Ooh, ooh, bathhouses are where all the gays go to have gay sex.’ It’s not like that and frankly, I get tired of having to defend the industry. Now we have to add fraud to the list of… hey… with the camera there… do you work out?”

Other bathhouse owners echo Pearson’s sentiments.

“This is going to bring down more heat on those of us who run clean, honest, heterosexual, bathhouses,” said ‘Hiding Nemo’s Man-On-Man-Emporium’ owner Jake Tilson. “Do I want the feds coming in here running tests on my water? Hell no. Not that I have anything to hide, it just gives the wrong impression about my establishment. My customers come here to take a nice, relaxing bath, strike up a conversation with other muscular, tattoed fellas, and maybe listen to the soundtrack from Cats!. Why is that so wrong?”

Others feel that the name “Saratoga Springs” is misleading and constitutes fraud on the part of the spa.

In a related story, a class-action lawsuit has been filed against Lay’s potato chips. The suit maintains that the fast-food giant has “deliberately misled customers into believing that eating their product will actually increase their chances of ‘hooking up’.”  

Longtime allies the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) announced a bold technological joint venture today that will enhance the ability of NAMBLA members to reach out to needy young boys on a local market basis.

The new NAMBLA Alert! wireless monitoring system uses cutting edge technology to beam users real-time data on local gatherings of young boys where “the presence of NAMBLA representatives might prove beneficial,” according to NAMBLA spokesman Peter Carter.

“As the enlightened among us recognize, young boys thoroughly enjoy– some might argue, require– the company of older, sweatier, hairier males,” continued Carter. “Even if they often need assistance recognizing this fact. The NAMBLA Alert system empowers the old to find the young in a timely, convenient manner. Now, I don’t want to get caught up in vague value judgments like ‘is it legal to have sex with an 8-year-old boy?’. That’s for our good friends in the 9th Circuit Court to decide. We are simply providing a public service.”

NAMBLA Alerts are available to members for a monthly fee, and use the latest in satellite technology to beam critical information to PDAs, cell phones, and other mobile devices. Carter does not shy away from the fact that his system is based on the wildly successful ‘Amber Alert’ program.

“Why try to reinvent the wheel?” he asked rhetorically. “‘Amber Alerts’ are extremely effective at helping to locate and recover missing children by beaming messages to large numbers of people. We plan on doing the exact same thing. Except after we locate them, we are going to have sex with them.”

One dues-paying NAMBLA member is already a believer.

“My job requires quite a bit of travel,” said Chester Hunsacker. “And it can be so hard to find unsupervised boys when you’re in a strange town. You can only cruise the local parks and ice cream stands so many times before people start looking at you like your some kind of creep. The new NAMBLA Alert system enables me to drastically reduce my “trolling” time without being made to feel like a lecher by ‘concerned parents.’”

Other key features:

• trench coat pocket compatible
• plays a full range of children’s cartoons
• LCD Display made from space-age polymers– easy to clean and extremely resistant to milkshake spills, Jolly Rancher smudge-marks, and three of four major body fluids
• a variety of ring tones including: a whimpering puppy, the Nintendo Wii start-up music, and the very popular “Barry Bonds Ring Tone” which includes the baseball great uttering such catchphrases as, “Psst. Hey boys, it’s me, future Hall of Fame baseball player Barry Bonds. I’m stuck in the trunk of this rental car. Just hop in the front seat with this nice gentleman and we’ll all go out for ice cream.“(*Note: Barry Bonds ring tone only available with the “Executive” model)
• one-touch access to the ACLU’s 24-hour free legal defense hot line
• “risk level” monitoring which can correctly gauge the level of adult supervision at a children’s event to within one chaperon
• Daily “Coaxing Tips” designed to thwart the Nazi-like protection efforts of local law enforcements

The NAMBLA Alert Monitoring System is available at the ACLU and NAMBLA websites, and also via a fleet of vans with blackout-tinted windows at a playground near you.