We are continuously stunned by the amount of fan mail we get from our readers. It is extremely flattering, and were we less-grounded people, we would surely start to get big heads from the kudos we receive.

Moreover, we are always encouraged to see that our readership abroad, the Netherlands in particular, continues to grow. Although we have never quite figured out the semantics of the whole Netherlands-Holland-Dutch thing, we have always loved the variety of ways in which they are able to refer to themselves.

Today’s letter is in response to one of our earlier articles (Sudanese Reaction To Mohammed Teddy Bear Reveals Ignorance About The Power Of The Mohammed Brand) and comes from a typical Dutchman, a Mr. Rami Yasin. I can almost see Mr. Yasin slipping off his wood shoes and putting on his handmade ice skates as he prepares to make figure eights on an idyllic Dutch pond. He writes:

You can draw,what ever fucking dame you want,
you can say what ever fucking dame you want,
you can think what ever fucking dame you want…”

Well, I for one am encouraged by Mr. Yasin’s strongly-held beliefs on personal freedom. I, too believe in these same exact things! I know if I keep digging, I’ll find a ton more that we have in common. And for the record, I choose Mary Katharine Ham. I know that “dame” is a bit of an archaic term, but who am I to judge Mr. Yasin’s culture? Besides, even though I don’t know Mary Katharine personally, she doesn’t seem like the type of person who would mind.

BUT…You cant face me,just that what I want from god. if we come face to face you well see what the fucking dame you deserve.

Oh. My God. I love to talk face-to-face too! E-mailing and texting are so impersonal. I smell a kindred spirit here! By the way, I can’t wait to see what dame I deserve. Oh, please let it be Mary Katherine! Oh, please let it be Mary Katherine!

I’m a muslem,I’m a MOHAMMED’s Soldier,

I’m a Christian, I was “Santa’s Little Helper” in my 3rd grade Christmas play! This is getting freaky.

I love him and all prophets as well as Jesuse
he is a human and he is my prophet too (my god wont and dont need to have a human child or any children because he is mighty over that all).

I love Jesus too! Only in my country we spell it without the last “e.” However, I’m a bit confused here. If your god “wont and dont need to have a human child,” then how come he was always dating them? That must be one of the “mysteries of Islam” I’ve heard so much about. I can’t wait to learn more!

But you fucking disgusting christian people you dont have nothing.
I’m not going to discuss any thing with you,

Now that’s not true at all. I got flowers in the spring. I got you to wear my ring. I got you to hold my hand. I got you to understand. I got you to walk with me. I got you to talk with me. See? If you take the time, you can learn a lot about a person. We aren’t so different after all. Except the part about your religion directing you to kill those who think differently than you. Oh, and the cruel and inhumane manner in which you treat women. Plus there’s that suicide bomber thingy. And the utter and total disdain for human life. Besides that, it’s like looking in a mirror.

yes İslam is a violent religion just for you,because thats what you deserve.

Just for me it’s violent? I suppose that will come as something of a surprise to the people in the World Trade Center, the soldiers aboard the USS Cole, the victims of the London and Madrid bombings, and the myriad of people killed or threatened with death right in Holland. You are quite the flatterer though! You almost had me there, you silver-tongued jihadist you!

Damen…I have too be more bad than that,to kile people like you.see you or your fuck cristian people…

Wow. Your god lets you swear a lot more than my god does. And for the record, it’s Buckley, not Damen.

in the armageddon war day at 2035..27 years left

Thanks for the heads up. You heard it here first everyone. Only 9,855 shopping days left until the Armageddon War Day.

Thanks again to Mr. Yasin for taking the time to write.

TNOYF has obtained a copy of the new manifesto which has been created as part of a cooperative effort by several moderate Muslim groups. These groups have grown tired of Islam being taken over by extremists, and are attempting to show the world that theirs truly is a religion of peace.

“We, the moderate Muslims of the world have sat by for far too long and watched as our great religion has been hijacked by those who have committed horrendous acts in Islam’s name. Rapes, murders, and worse have been committed by those purporting to do Allah’s will. But no more. From this day forth, the following commandments shall be the guidelines that all true, peaceful Muslims live by:”

• Genital mutilation is no longer acceptable. There is no place in modern Islam for this barbaric practice. If you find your whore to be acting in a randy manner, seven firm kicks to the labia will suffice.
• Suicide bombings can no longer be condoned by anyone calling themselves a Muslim. If you have been provoked, insulted, or are just having a bad day and you have need to blow up infidels, please make sure you do not call yourself a Muslim.
• Stonings are to be used only in extreme situations such as when one of your wives has acted in an insolent way, or if your local merchant has run out of your favorite tea. In all other instances, if you feel the need to show your extreme displeasure with someone, invite them to a “Howie Mandel Movie Marathon” at your local theater.
• The wearing of burkas is degrading to females and is no longer allowed. When in public, women will now have the option to wear either Groucho glasses or a Bigfoot costume with a clown nose.
• Beheadings are hereby strongly discouraged. Common decency dictates that if you must take your sword to someone’s head for having different beliefs than you, the least you can do is leave it connected on one side by a skin flap.
• Chants of ‘”Death to America”, “Death to Israel” and the like are also discouraged. However, chants of “Large amounts of discomfort to… (fill in the oppressive Western nation)” are still highly recommended.
• Violent street protests are also discouraged. We realize that this may hurt business at all “Farook’s House of Flags and Effigies” chain stores, but we must be willing to reach across the aisle, so to speak.
• Women are to be granted a full complement of rights, provided that these are given as follow-ups to lefts.
• “The Arab Street” will now be known as “Wysteria Lane.” We feel this softer language is more in line with our new image.
• On the media front; we will not renewing our contracts with either CNN or the AP due to their extreme anti-American biases. We have decided instead to re-up with Al Jazeera as they have a demonstrably more pro-Western stance.
• Wahabbism is no more. Wasabbism, a tangier, more delicious school of thought, shall take it’s place.

 TO SUPPORT THE CANADIAN BLOGGERS BY BUYING A T-SHIRT, CLICK THIS LINK TO VISIT THE TNOYF STORE.

Word today from Kathy Shaidle that a new lawsuit has been filed by Canadian schoolgirl Richard Warman (picture) against a group of conservative bloggers including Kathy’s Five Feet Of Fury blog, Ezra Levant, Small Dead Animals, Free Dominion, and Jonathan Kay of The National Post.

Warman alleges that the group conspired to steal his fanny-pack, pull his pigtails, and create a mildly disturbing atmosphere that forced him to go potty more frequently than normal.

TNOYF is re-opening the Ezra Levant store and will donate all profits from sales of Ezra Levant T-Shirts, mugs, etc. to the collective legal defense funds of these bloggers. Some of the designs are below.

Click here to visit the TNOYF store.

Per Stacy and Murphy’s request, here is the original posting complete with, as Victor Davis Hanson raved*, “blog commenting of the highest order.”

*Actually, that’s a lie. He called it, “commentary par excellence.”**

**Not true again. What VDH really said was, “TNOYF clearly has a disproportionate number of witty and insightful individuals among their readership. They must be doing something right.”

Editor’s Note: In Part III of our coverage of The Associated Press decision to pursue legal action against photo-journalism site Snapped Shot, The Nose On Your Face has come into possession of a transcript from the AP meeting where the decision was made to play hardball. TNOYF presents it here in its entirety, and, in the interest of maintaining journalistic authenticity, we’ve used only Associated Press photos for the purpose of this re-creation.

Tom Curley, AP President and CEO

OK, folks. Please settle down. I’ve got an important issue that’s been brought to my attention, and we need to make some important decisions.

Rather than try to explain myself what we’re up against here, I’d like to present the joint management team of the Associated Press Visual Sensitivity Department…

…Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Prime Minister Salam Fayyad. Gentlemen! Welcome (Applause). As usual, the floor is yours.

Thank you, Brother Curley. Ladies and gentlemen, I must address a serious issue that threatens our on-going ability to present the news from the Middle East, and particularly Palestine, with the rigid journalistic standards the world has come to expect from The Associated Press. It seems the blog Snapped Shot, a self-styled photo-journalist, is reprinting some of the images we work so hard to create– er, capture. The blogger in question, one Brian Ledbetter, often questions the authenticity of these images, or writes his own accompanying copy.

Kathleen Carrol, AP Executive Editor

Impossible!

I’m afraid it’s true, Ms. Carroll. And I’m afraid that you have once again forgotten your veil.

My apologies, Brother Mahmoud. It simply slipped off my shoulders.

It appears you are in need of a refresher course after last month’s one-on-one training, deftly provided by Brother Salam here.

Mmmm….Indeed!

Gentlemen, you know I have only the utmost respect for your customs and traditions, and share your disgust at the site of Ms. Carroll’s exposed flesh. In fact, I just vomited in my mouth a bit. But we must deal with the issue at hand.

Yes. We believe that legal action is required against Snapped Shot in order to maintain the integrity of our imagery.

Mike Silverman, AP Senior Managing Editor

Absolutely. This Ledbetter fellow fails to understand the hours of…preparation…that go into our images. Does he think news just happens by itself? Does he think that people are actually capable of interpreting imagery on their own, without AP-sanctioned copy that clearly explains the murderous Zionism behind the agony we stage- ah, display?

Apparently, Brother Michael. Tell me– Silverman, is that Jewish?

Absolutely not, and I’m insulted by the accusation, Brother Mahmoud. Now, only a suicide mission can cleanse me. Please send me against this Ledbetter fellow.

Your passion and earnestness is noted, Michael. But first, we must pursue the legal rout. Your time will come. OK, next steps. Kathleen?

She and Brother Salam are…how do you say? Having an offline conversation.

Excellent. Remember, no marks above the shoulders. I need her out front. Gentlemen, meeting adjourned.

While reviewing our e-mail as we do from time to time here at The Nose On Your Face, we came across a thought-provoking tidbit from a reader in Amsterdam, Holland who identifies himself simply as “a Muslim.” (Editor’s Note: The writer did not not in fact mention his gender. We took the liberty of assuming that he is a male since the use of any post-4th century technology by Muslim women is punishable by a vigorous genital caning followed by a slow, painful death).

His note:

to the maker & creator of this website & all those posting stuff thinking they are funny somehow, the only good thing you are doing here is that you are confirming your reservation tickets (inshallah) to HELL, where you well be hung by your tongue, found humilated on the ground, noone to rescue you, you will say: i wish i was a muslim & i wish i can go back in time to do so.

if i could live millions of years & die & live again & die & live again & keep dieing & coming back to life again, i will always want to be a muslim believing & worshipping only one God (Allah), & following the techings of his last prophet Mohmammed Peace Be Upon Him.

look & stare at your inner self & think deeply about what are you doing here, be human enough & save yourself, no one will save YOU.

As you can imagine, we were quite disturbed by some of the content of Mr. Muslim’s e-mail. It caused us to do a good deal of painful soul-searching. Have we been thinking we are funny somehow? Do we really want to confirm our reservation tickets to HELL at this time? And more importantly, do we have to give a wide range of travel times and live with non-refundable tickets the way Priceline used to make you do? Neither of us are exactly “morning people” so we’d hate to get jammed up with a 5:00 a.m. flight to HELL, all caps or not.

No offense intended to Mr. Muslim, but after we looked at his note again we began thinking that maybe HELL wouldn’t really be so bad compared to reading the e-mail we had just struggled through for a second time. Then we got really introspective and deep (which gives us pounding headaches) and Potfry looked at me and said, “But if it’s really HELL, wouldn’t that mean that this guy would be there every day reciting his writings to us over and over and over again?” That thought really blew us away, so we quietly ate Cheetos for a while in silence.

Next we contemplated this statement from Mr. Muslim:

you will say…if i could live millions of years & die & live again & die & live again & keep dieing & coming back to life again, i will always want to be a muslim

This one had us flummoxed. Living for millions of years and then dying and then living again doesn’t make you a Muslim, it makes you Highlander. Well, this perked us up because we are both HUGE Highlander fans, but we couldn’t seem to recall any Muslims in either the movie or the TV series. Then I remembered that the only way to kill Highlander is to chop his head off. Since no one has been able to do this yet, we were sure that there hadn’t been any.

Mr. Muslim really lost us at this point though:

…think deeply about what are you doing here,…

Look, if we wanted to think deeply we wouldn’t be sitting around making up fake stories at all hours of the day and night. We decided Mr. Muslim sounds an awful lot like our wives* so we sort of tuned out the rest of his message. (*That’s just one wife each. I don’t know how you guys do it with seven or eight wives. I mean, I guess it helps that you can just bury them up to their necks in the town square and then huck stones at them if they displease you. We aren’t quite that progressive here yet.)

Even though Mr. Muslim was a bit put off by our efforts to engage the Islamic community, it’s still great to see that we have such a diverse group of readers throughout the world. We have everything from irate Muslims in Yemen, to splenetic followers of Islam in Indonesia, to cantankerous disciples of Mohammed in the Netherlands. Our Sitemeter geography reports have become a veritable tapestry of far-flung Islamic nationalities.

One last thing. The post that caused him such discomfort has been republished below in its entirety.

The news that a British teacher in Sudan was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her students to name a Teddy Bear “Mohammed” reflects more than simply a clash of religious beliefs and cultures– it also reveals that the Muslim world fails to see the amazing untapped potential of the Mohammed brand.

It’s our belief that American marketers would be thrilled to create Mohammed-licensed products that generate new revenue opportunities and build bridges to the Islamic community. Conversely, this represents a unique opportunity for Islam to communicate the tenets of its belief system to the traditional American community.

It’s a win-win situation.

We’ve taken the liberty of creating some prototypes that reflect the amazing potential of this co-marketing relationship. CLICK ALL TO ENLARGE.

BABY MOHAMMED WETS-A-LOT

 

Be the envy of your entire madrassa with the new Baby Mohammed Wets-A-Lot doll from Haraamboro Inc.! 3 Realistic Action Settings — diaper-wetting, binky-sucking, and indiscriminate-stabbing– add to the fun of this terrific toy!

 

“MUTILATION” BOARD GAME

 

Does your youngster dream of getting his medical degree, setting up a practice in a Western nation, and then plotting the death of scores of infidels? Does he have a talent for genital mutilation that far outstrips his chronological age? Then Mutilation with Mohammed is the game to help harness his precocious energies!

 

METRO-MALIBU MOHAMMED AND HIS LIFE-PARTNER BARRY

 

Tired of the Q’aran’s archaic attitudes towards homosexuality? Do you find yourself answering “b” when the other junior jihadis ask you the question: Is that a suicide belt around your waist or are you just happy to see me? Then Metro-Malibu Mohammed is the doll for you! Comes in: Tramp Stamp; Reach Around; and Full Body Wax (pictured) editions. (Life-Partner Barry and Glory-Hole Allah sold separately.)

 

MOHAMMED 8-BALL

 

Unsure of the proper protocol for addressing insults to the Prophet? Have a question as to why the Q’aran refuses to follow the “q-u” rule? Just need another opinion on which country’s flag to burn at the demonstration this evening? Then the Mohammed 8-Ball is your choice! You and your friends will be treated to a variety of answers that include: “My sources say burn an American flag.”; “Slit the pig’s throat.”; and the very popular, “It was the Jews fault.”

 

“MOHAMMEDOPOLY”

 

 

Visit Papyrus Place. Take a stroll down the mean streets of Islamabad Avenue. Just be sure to avoid a detour to Israel! It’s capitalism-meets-genital-caning in the great new game Mohammedopoly that is sure to provide hours of fun for the whole family*. (*By “whole family,” we mean heterosexual males of violence-producing age)

 

PROPHET MINI-WHEATS

 

Plotting the new caliphate is difficult enough without having to worry about the functionality of your colon. Stay regular in an irregular world with new Prophet Mini-Wheats!

 

UPDATE: MOHAMMED BRAND CONDOMS! CLICK TO ENLARGE.

Now call us naive, but what we found particularly upsetting was the fact that we attempted to reach out and build bridges to the Islamic community and roundly had our hand slapped away by Mr. Muslim. Since neither one of us does particularly well with rejection, we aren’t likely to open ourselves up to other people anytime in the near future.

As Ezra Levant’s battles against institutionalized stupidity continue north of the border (excellent background on the story here), our TNOYF artists have been hard at work drawing up some sharp new Ezra Levant gear. Ezra’s given us his blessing to use his likeness, so the designs you see below are now for sale in the TNOYF store, on mugs, t-shirts, sweatshirts, etc. Just click on the “Free Ezra” section.

All profit from sales of Ezra gear will go to his legal defense fund. This amount varies by product; we promise to be completely transparent in our reports (you can also visit Cafe Press to learn about pricing; we’ve marked everything up to premium, so the difference between that and the base price of the product you buy will be your donation).

We’ll also donate the profits from sales of any Islamic Rage Boy gear through the end of February to Ezra’s legal defense fund.

As we discovered when we tried to trademark Islamic Rage Boy and were rebuffed by the U.S. Patent Office on the grounds that the term would be disparaging to Muslims, the fight against what Brian Anderson calls “illiberal liberalism” is constant and maddening. Ezra Levant is on the front line of the latest battle– so buy a t-shirt and support his efforts.

(Full Disclosure: there is a “The Nose On Your Face” logo on the back of some of the shirts.)

Click here to visit store.

Check out Ezra’s recent appearance on Glenn Beck via Ms. Underestimated.

TNOYF’s Video Tribute To Ezra

The new BBC program that addresses the tough issues facing global jihadists, with your host, Islamic Rage Boy. This week, a discussion of the differences in the Ashura celebrations in Brooklyn, NY and the Mid-East.

Yet another TNOYF exclusive: the final video from one of last weekend’s pet bazaar suicide bombers.

We here at The Nose On Your Face were quite impressed with the creative writing displayed in the recent Reuters headline regarding the British Muslim extremist who was apprehended and “charged with planning to kidnap a British soldier, hack his head off, and distribute the video of the murder on the internet.”

We, along with scores of other faux news organizations, look up to the “big dogs” at Reuters to show us how it is done. Once again they have not disappointed. And so in a blatantly transparent attempt to garner attention (and hopefully a better-paying job at the internationally recognized Mecca of journalism) we present:

Top 9 Alternative Reuters Headlines For “Briton Admits Plot To Behead Muslim Soldier”

9. Guy-Next-Door Type Caught Up In Wacky Scheme To Exterminate Militaristic Muslim

8. Purported Manchester United Fan Discloses Creative Effort To Reduce Military Pork Consumption

7. Frontman For ZZ Top Tribute Band Offers Cranial Redistribution Service To Muslim Mercenary

6. (tie) Oppressed Bloke Cops To Planning Slaying Of Brainwashed Muslim

6. (tie) Neighbors Say Man Accused Of Death Plot Is “Avid Reader” And “Deeply Spiritual Being”

5. Bi-lingual, Third-year Humanities Student’s Efforts To Aid Military Screening Rejected

4. Authorities Seek Clues To Why Peaceful British Subject Sought To Behead Muslim Military Regular

3. Police Compel Exploited Lad To Admit To Infidel Reduction Scheme

2. Under Duress, Enthusiastic Tanned Commoner Admits Planning Death Of Willful Muslim

1. (tie) Expatriate From The Cradle Of Civilization Provoked Into Planning Death Of Noble Muslim Soldier

1. (tie) Peace-loving Citizen Condemned For Innovative Attempt At Down-Sizing Military

In an effort to turn the clock back to the halcyon days of the Neville Chamberlain administration, ministers in the United Kingdom have begun using the term “anti-Islamic activity” to refer to what was formerly known as “Islamic terrorism.” This subtle shift in rhetoric is designed to present a more welcoming environment in a country where far too often the feelings of the militant Islamic minority go unmet.

In an effort to help assuage these ruffled feathers, we present the Top 9 New Names For Islamic Terrorists.

9. American Flag Ignition Specialist

8. Retro-Crusade Avoidance Technician

7. Global Caliphate Expansion Consultant

6. Virgin-Muslim Introduction Expediter

5. Arab-Israeli Relations Facilitator

4. Cuddly, Furry Kitten Hugger

3. Islamic Conversion Troubleshooter

2. Cranial Relocation Specialist

1. Clitoral Reconstruction Engineer

Big H/T Girl on the Right

SUPPORT EZRA LEVANT!!

As Ezra Levant’s battles against institutionalized stupidity continue north of the border, our TNOYF artists have been hard at work drawing up some sharp new Ezra Levant gear. Ezra’s given us his blessing to use his likeness, so the designs you see below are now for sale in the TNOYF store, on mugs, t-shirts, sweatshirts, etc. Just click on the “Free Ezra” section.

All profit from sales of Ezra gear will go to his legal defense fund. This amount varies by product; we promise to be completely transparent in our reports (you can also visit Cafe Press to learn about pricing; we’ve marked everything up to premium, so the difference between that and the base price of the product you buy will be your donation).

We’ll also donate the profits from sales of any Islamic Rage Boy gear through the end of February to Ezra’s legal defense fund.

As we discovered when we tried to trademark Islamic Rage Boy and were rebuffed by the U.S. Patent Office on the grounds that the term would be disparaging to Muslims, the fight against what Brian Anderson calls “illiberal liberalism” is constant and maddening. Ezra Levant is on the front line of the latest battle– so buy a t-shirt and support his efforts.

(Full Disclosure: there is a “The Nose On Your Face” logo on the back of some of the shirts.)

Click here to visit store.

Check out Ezra’s appearance on Glenn Beck tonight via Ms. Underestimated. 

9. Global warming began when Ezra Levant willed the temperature in Canada up a few degrees–you know, just to take the chill out of the air.

8. 95% of all monsters surveyed reported that they are either “absolutely terrified” or “hysterically afraid” of Ezra Levant. Levant already ate the remaining 5%.

7. Ezra Levant once looked Helen Thomas directly in the face and lived to tell about it.

6. (tie) Ezra Levant can grow a thicker mustache than both Tom Selleck and Rosie O’Donnell.

6. (tie) Ezra Levant is actually registered twice as a lethal weapon: once for himself and once for his aura.

5. Ezra Levant eats live cougars sprinkled with Jack Bauer, washes it down with a sandpaper and Chuck Liddell milkshake, and then wipes himself with Chuck Norris.

4. Ezra Levant got the gang from Scooby Doo to stop meddling. Singlehandedly.

3. Ezra Levant forced the band “Better Than Ezra” to change their name to “Alberta Human Rights Commission”: because no one is better than Ezra.

2. New studies show that Muslim suicide bombers aren’t sacrificing themselves for Allah, they’re just trying to escape the wrath of Ezra Levant.

1. If you ever find yourself being persecuted for your views by one of those politically correct government types, simply say “Ezra Levant” three times really fast. He will appear out of thin air and reduce the offender to a whimpering kitten in no time flat with his irresistible onslaught of crane-style verbal kung fu.

DONATE TO EZRA LEVANT’S DEFENSE FUND HERE (Top right corner.)

Many are questioning the authenticity of the now widely circulated video of the U.S./Iran naval confrontation earlier this week.

And for good reason. TNOYF has obtained an unaltered version of the incident, and it shockingly reveals the fingerprints of a third party– the French.