I had the opportunity to be interviewed a while ago by the cast of characters put together by Basil of the excellent Basil’s Blog.

Please be sure to check out the interview here.

When you’re done, stay awhile and sample his always amusing fare.

We here at The Nose On Your Face were very fortunate to sit down with Senator John Kerry to discuss his recent controversial statements.

Buckley F. Williams: Senator Kerry, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. I know how busy you are.

Senator John Kerry: My pleasure.

BFW: Clearly there is one question that is on everyone’s mind at this time: is the correct spelling “c-a-t-s-u-p” or the more commonly seen “k-e-t-c-h-u-p”?

SJK: Interestingly enough, both of these spellings are considered improper in the industry today. In deference to our Muslim friends we have changed it to “Q-’-a-t-s-u-p”. Furthermore, it is now considered good form to kneel and bow towards Heinz corporate headquarters when smacking the heck out of the bottle to try and get the Q’atsup flowing.   

BFW: Fascinating. I’ll be sure to make note of the changes. Now, you got yourself into some hot water the other day when you said that if a person receives an education then they can reasonably expect to do well in life, if they do not they will get stuck in Iraq. Do you stand by this statement?

SJK: First of all Buckley, let me just say that John F. Kerry apologizes to no man! I don’t have time what with apologizing to all of the women. But seriously, when I made that comment I was looking out for our servicemen. Do you think that wealthy heiress divorcees run in military circles? Do they fancy dressing up in fatigues and placing themselves in harms way? Of course not. If a man is going to find a woman that is going to give him the finer things in life, he simply must put himself in a collegiate, preferably Ive League, setting.

BFW: So your grievance with military service in Iraq is not over the war itself, but rather because of the dearth of rich women for our soldiers to meet?

SJK: Precisely. If the troops in Iraq had access to upper crust Mesopotamian women with oil-backed trust funds I would obviously change my opinion, but the simple fact is they do not. Those sort of women congregate in Northeastern Ivy League Schools, not Middleastern Fig League Slums.

BFW: And why exactly is it so important to marry a wealthy heiress?

SJK: Look at this face. Pretty. Clean-cut. Well-bred features. Seemingly untouched by the hands of time, wouldn’t you agree? I was born in 1857, sir. You heard that right, 1857. Granted, time and gravity have had some elongating effects on my facial structure but you have to admit that I look pretty darn good for a man who is about to celebrate his sesquicentennial birthday. You do not receive this sort of care on a military paycheck.

BFW: Wow. You look great for your age. In your opinion Senator Kerry, do the troops today have it easier than you did during your days of military service?

SJK: Unquestionably. They have fancy weaponry, sophisticated air power and a well-coordinated command infra-structure. On top of that they have digital cameras and hand-held video recorders to capture the action. When I served in Vietnam I had to commission my camera crew with money out of my own pocket. They’ve got it much better today.

BFW: That just about wraps up our interview with Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts. Thanks again Senator.

SJK: You’re welcome.         

BFW: Thank you for taking the time to meet with me Mr. Secretary General. I know what a busy man you are.

KA: It is my pleasure. We will be done by noon right? I am doing lunch with Hillary and Bill at The Four Seasons today. The bison carpaccio is to die for.

BFW: Yes, your people called seven times to let us know about that. I’ll make sure you are out of here in plenty of time. How would you categorize your meeting with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

KA: Very productive and useful. He is a serious man with the best interests of his country at heart. We sat down in his bounce house like reasonable world leaders and had a very fruitful discussion.

BFW: His bounce house?

KA: Why does that sound so strange to you? I swear you Americans are beyond intolerant.

BFW: It just seems a bit odd that’s all.

KA: Well I can assure you it was very pleasant. You just have to sort of roll with it. Oh, and make sure to steer clear of the camel glory hole in the back.

BFW: Duly noted. I know that you confronted President Ahmadinejad on his denial of the Holocaust. Can you tell us a bit about his response?

KA: Certainly. President Ahmadinejad was extremely gracious although I fear that some of the dialogue was lost in translation. From what I can gather, he requested that I find a hat to “go sit in”. I am unfamiliar with the term although I believe it to be one of those charming little Iranian colloquialism’s. My interpreters are still working on the actual definition, but I am confident that I read the spirit of his words accurately.

BFW: I see. And when you addressed his refusal to cease enrichment of uranium?

KA: Mr. Ahmadinejad was very pleasant. He demonstrated a willingness to address the situation in a multi-lateral manner that I think you Americans could learn a thing or two from.

BFW: What did he say?

KA: Again, we may have lost a bit in translation but he suggested that America, Great Britain, Australia, Israel and the rest of the world “go vuck ourselves running”. Those ancient cultures have a way with expressing themselves. This tells me two things. First, here is a man who is serious about working with the world in an inclusive manner. And second, he is concerned about the fitness level of all of the worlds citizens, which, judging by the obesity rate in your country is something you should pay heed to.

BFW: You just don’t get it do you?

KA: Get what?

BFW: Never mind. Is there anything you would like to say in conclusion?

KA: I would like to say that there can be no peace in this world without concessions between reasonable people so that we may all live in peace. As it is so in the animal kingdom, so should it be among mankind. Does not the proud gazelle concede his life so that the noble hyena may live? And the mighty Cape Buffalo. Does she not offer her flesh and blood to the regal lion so that he may continue his reign? And what of the …

BFW: Our thanks to U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan for his time.

Please be sure to check out Basil and friend’s hard-hitting interview with me over at his excellent site, Basil’s Blog. I have to admit I squirmed a bit under the pressure of the questioning, but I did manage to get through it.

Please click here to ask your questions of me for my upcoming interview at Basil’s Blog (right at the top of the page).

Yours truly, Buckley F. Williams, will be participating in “The Blog Interviews” at my good friend Basil’s site next week and you are invited to participate.

All you need to do is go visit Basil’s outstanding and action-packed site. You can ask your questions of me from there (right at the top of the page). When you have finished, be sure to stick around awhile and check out his place. You will be sure to get more than a few laughs. 

There has been criticism by many on the right regarding the medias handling, or lack of handling as the case may be, of the case of Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar.

Mr. Taheri-azar was recently charged with nine counts of attempted murder after driving his Jeep through a crowd at the University of North Carolina, hitting multiple people. He subsequently told police that he rented a four-wheel drive vehicle for the attack on purpose so that he could “run over things and keep going.” He went on to say that his actions represented “an eye for an eye” as he wished to “avenge the deaths or murders (by the American government) in the Muslim world.”

The New York Times report of the incident was curiously absent any reference to Taheri-azar’s statement regarding his Islamism, not an unimportant factor as it was his stated motivation for the assault.

Is the mainstream media purposely giving a pass to Muslims committing acts of terror? Are they willfully ignorant of the dangers posed by Islamofascism? The following jailhouse interview (that has yet to air) of Mr. Taheri-azar by Katie Couric of The Today Show offers yet another glimpse of the MSM’s perspective:

KC: Good afternoon Mr. Taheri-azar.

MT: Were I not shackled I would kill you with my bare hands right now you vapid cur.

KC: What a kidder!

MT: I am most serious.

KC: I do so adore that very dry Middle Eastern sense of humor. Let’s begin shall we? I know that you have been wrongly accused of “running people over” with a Ford Explorer and that…

MT: It was a Jeep Grand Cherokee and I am guilty of all charges.

KC: Excuse me?

MT: The vehicle that I rented. It was a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Six-cylinder. 4-wheel drive. Surprisingly smooth ride. Even when caroming through huge piles of human flesh.

KC: There you go again! You almost had me. Anyhow…

MT: I am not joking. I purposely rented an SUV so that I could run over a multitude of infidels while inflicting the maximum possible damage.

KC: Okay. You and I both know that this was a set-up by the Bush administration but I’ll play along with your wacky little game. What were you trying to achieve by “running those people over”?

MT: It is not a game. I wanted to punish the American government for harming my Muslim brethren throughout the world. That is why I ran them over… on purpose… with that Jeep.

KC: I see. So you are saying that the evil, blood-thirsty SUV went out of control and lunged towards the crowd of students?

MT: No. Listen carefully now. I rented the vehicle with the express purpose of harming or killing as many Americans as possible. I knew what I was doing. I planned this out. I even neglected to take the extra insurance coverage although I knew that there would be extreme damage to the vehicle.

KC: Wow. Bush really has done a a number on you hasn’t he? Is there a message that you would like to give to the American people before we wrap up today?

MT: Convert to Islam or die.

KC: Hey, that is catchy. Sort of like Puffy’s “Vote Or Die” campaign, huh? Which, by the way, was wildly successful in no small part because of the segments I did. So are you thinking a massive media blitz to get it started? If it was me, I’d get MTV involved. They’d back this in a heartbeat.

MT: I am telling you. Unless every infidel in America and the rest of the world renounces their religion and accepts Allah as their God then they will suffer untold cruelties before they are eliminated from this earth. By eliminated I mean “killed”. It is as the Koran says.

KC: Or maybe an Internet campaign. You know, a grassroots movement. I bet President Gore would help you with that. What with all of his expertise in that area.

MT: Are you hearing me?

KC: Wow. Fascinating. Thanks again to Mr. Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar for joining us. If you would like to contribute to the Mainstream Media For Mohammed Defense Fund, please send your donations to the address on the screen.

MT: Arrrggghhh!!!!

End of transcript.

Thanks to: Brainster, BNN, Pirate’s Cove, The Anchoress, OTB, Wizbang!, Point Five, Mudville

Technorati tags: Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar, Tarheel terrorist, terrorism, Islamofascism, mainstream media, conservative satire, satire, humor, Bush, Republican humor

We here at The Nose On Your Face are garnering quite a reputation for getting the big interviews. In the last year alone we sat down with Louis Farrakhan, Jeffrey Dahmer and Paris Hilton among others.

Today we are pleased to present perhaps our biggest interview yet. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. President Ahmadinejad is fast becoming known as a major player on the world stage. His strong anti-American stance combined with his hatred of the Jewish people is earning him accolades throughout both Europe and the Democratic Party.

Without further ado we present the interview:

TNOYF: President Ahmadinejad thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us. We know you are a very busy man.

MA: Aardvarks possess an extra set of lips.

TNOYF: Excuse me?

MA: Periwinkle.

TNOYF: What?

MA: Sorry, I do that sometimes.

TNOYF: I see. Okay, first question. What are three things that people would be surprised to learn about you?

MA: Three things, huh? Let’s see. I enjoy scrap-booking. I would much rather wang chung tonight than have fun tonight. And I was originally slated to play the role of “Balki” on the 1980’s sitcom Perfect Strangers. I have neither forgiven nor forgotten that dolt Bronson Pinchot’s underhanded, double-dealings. He will be made to pay. 

TNOYF: Balki, huh? Yeah I can see that. President Ahmadinejad, you have a well-documented animosity towards both Israel and the Jewish people. What is the root of these feelings?

MA: I had a horrendous experience with some gefilte fish when I was just a boy. It was overcooked. Rubbery. I swore from that day forth that the Jews would never have a moment of peace as long as I had anything to say about it.

TNOYF: Are you being serious?

MA: Gotcha! How foolish. No, of course it wasn’t over something as trivial as gefilte fish. What manner of person do you believe me to be? To bring the world to the brink of nuclear war for gefilte fish?

TNOYF: Ho, ho. You had me for a…

MA: It was a rancid cheese blintz that ignited within me an eternal hatred of the wretched Jews.

TNOYF: That could do it I suppose. I’d like to play a little word association game with you now. I’ll say a word or words and you say the first thing that comes to your mind, okay?

MA: I will play along. For a while.

TNOYF: Terrorism.

MA: Apple strudel.

TNOYF: Nuclear weapons.

MA: Elbow pads.

TNOYF: Israel.

MA: Pronouns.

TNOYF: Quite interesting answers.

MA: A hexagon.

TNOYF: Oh I’m sorry President Ahmadinejad, we’re done with the word association game.

MA: I know.

TNOYF: I see. Last question, did you see the season premier of “24” last night and if so, what did you think of it?

MA: Of course I watched it. What do I think? I think this Jack Bauer is a formidable foe. He will have to be dealt with before my dreams of world conquest can be realized.

TNOYF: You know it’s just a television… Never mind. Any last words before we end the interview?

MA: Yes. Flugenschniffer, oxidation and bacon.

TNOYF: Powerful words. Thank you for your time sir.

MA: My pleasure.

Thanks to: NIF, Mudville.

Technorati tags: Satire, Islamofascism, Iran, Mahmoud, Ahmadinejad

On this date in 1994, homosexual cannibal and necrophiliac Jeffrey Dahmer was bludgeoned to death with a broomstick by fellow inmate Christopher Scarver while Dahmer was cleaning the prison bathroom. Dahmer was serving fifteen consecutive life sentences for various murders he had committed through the years.

In honor of the 11th anniversary of his death, we here at The Nose On Your Face hoped to contact Mr. Dahmer for an interview.

With the assistance of our Senior Clairvoyance Correspondent, we were able to do just that.

TNOYF: Thank you for consenting to this interview Mr. Dahmer. With temperatures there reaching upwards of 5,000 degrees it must be quite uncomfortable so we do appreciate you taking the time.

JD: Oh, it’s really not a bother.

TNOYF: So. Bludgeoned to death by a broomstick in a prison toilet. Is that the way you pictured yourself going out?

JD: Actually, it’s not far off. I was leaning towards “sodomized with a chair leg while being simultaneously choked by two large Hispanic men in the weight room”, but we don’t always get to choose the way we die.

TNOYF: Those are the two most bizarre death scenarios that I have ever heard.

JD: Did you read your own intro? I’m a gay, cannibalistic necrophile. Did you see me going quietly in my sleep at a ripe old age?

TNOYF: Point taken. Is there anyone out there that you wished that you had gotten the chance to eat while you were still alive?

JD: Oh there are quite a few. Brad Pitt. John Travolta. From his Welcome Back Kotter days, not with that foolish Pulp Fiction look. Shatner of course. Umm… You know who else I always wanted to eat? Someone from that rock group Korn. Just so I could say to my friends “hey guys check out that chunk of Korn in my stool”. Sorry. That’s a terribly cliched cannibal joke. You’d have to eat people to get it.

TNOYF: I see. Were there people that you wouldn’t have eaten no matter the circumstances?

JD: My word, yes. Paris Hilton. If I’m going to get a burning sensation in my genitals, I want it to be because there is a bound and gagged young Asian boy holding a candle with his neck beneath my scrotum while he begs for his life with his pathetic, pleading stare. Not from eating bad skank meat.

TNOYF: Hmm. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

JD: If you ask me another question like that again I swear I will come back from the dead just to eat you.

TNOYF: Sorry. Mr. Dahmer, thank you for your time and hopefully we will get the opportunity to speak with you again sometime.

JD: The pleasure was all mine.    

Thanks to Wizbang!, Point 5, OTB, Basil.

Many of us during the course of our daily lives make vows and promises that, at the time, we intend to keep. “I’ll start exercising more so that I will lose that extra 20 pounds,” or “I’m going to spend more time with my family.” Life usually gets in the way and even our best intentions are often not enough to sustain the effort.

However, there is one man whose drive has not faded (in fact he has actually developed a draw), even after long years of dogged determination towards his personal goal. And one can understand why. The man we are talking about is none other than former NFL and Hertz Rental Car great O.J. Simpson.

O.J. lost his ex-wife Nicole in a tragic knifing in the early 1990’s. To add insult to injury he was forced through a very public, and many say unfair, trial. The prosecution used every dirty trick in the book (evidence, logic etc…), but in the end justice prevailed.

Since his acquittal, O.J. has made it his life’s goal to find Nicole’s real killer and bring him to justice.

The Juice was kind enough to take time away from his intrepid search and meet with us at the 19th hole of his favorite course.

TNOYF: O.J. it’s an honor to meet you. Thanks for taking the time.

O.J.: Not a problem. Although I can’t stay long. I have to continue the search.

TNOYF: Wow. That’s dedication. I’ll jump right in then. As crazy as it sounds, there are still many people today who think that you are responsible for the death of Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman. What do you say to them?

O.J.: I say that they can say it to my face and see what …. heh, heh… I mean, that’s outrageous. Simply outrageous.

TNOYF: I agree that the charges are outrageous, but can you see how some people might think that you had something to do with it what with your DNA all over the place?

O.J.: I plead the fifth.

TNOYF: The fifth?

O.J.: Yes.

TNOYF: This isn’t a court of law.

O.J.: Are you trying to take away my rights?!?

TNOYF: No…no…please sit down. You can plead the fifth here. No problem. Let me change things up a bit. What is your favorite television show?

O.J.: CSI Brentwood.

TNOYF: Is that…umm… actually a show?

O.J.: Most definitely. I’ve seen them film it live.

TNOYF: Hmm. Your love for golf has been well publicized, do you have any other new hobbies that you’d like to tell us about?

O.J.: Most absolutely.Actually, right after the trial I developed a love for poetry. I’ve found that it relaxes me and lets me express my feelings in a safe yet constructive manner.

TNOYF: Really? That’s very interesting. Can you share some with us?

O.J.: For certainly. Here goes a little poem I wrote entitled, Double Jeopardy.

Nicole you nasty motherf—-.

I cut your head off and Ron’s too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love hurts.

I did it and got away with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I admit it. I did it.

I’m now a 4 handicap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kato’s next.

You got what you deserved.

What do you think?

TNOYF: Ummm… I… uhhh …

O.J.: Yeah, a lot of people are speechless when they hear it. My new girlfriend says  I have a flair for language.

TNOYF: Yes. Yes you do. Okay. O.J., you have spent over a decade scouring the country…

O.J.: The globe.

TNOYF: Sorry. Scouring the globe for Nicole’s killer. Surely you have found some interesting things along the way.

O.J.: Most positively. I have found: Seven single socks that I had lost over the years. The Arc of the Covenant. Waldo. And who let the dogs out (it was Marcus Allen).

TNOYF: Wow. Marcus Allen let the dogs out, huh?

O.J.: Most certaintaneously.

TNOYF: Do you feel that you are getting closer to finding out who the real killer is?

O.J.: Killer? Why are you so sure that it is only one person?

TNOYF: I don’t…

O.J.: (standing) And what did you mean by “real killer”? Is that a reference to “keepin’ it real” as in street slang as in a black man must have done this?

TNOYF: (backing away quickly) No not at all… could you put away that knife?

O.J.: (moving forward) I’ll put it away all right. Come here for a minute and let me read you my new poem. I call it There’s No One Around But You And Me. It’s an Ike Turner tribute.

TNOYF: (sprinting away) Thanks for taking the time Juice…

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

We here at The Nose On Your Face had the good fortune recently to sit down with well-born television personality and general party-girl-about-town Paris Hilton. We chatted with her about everything from her recent engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis to her upcoming film, Some Are In Paris.

TNOYF: Hi Paris, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

Paris Hilton: Of course. I’m a big fan of noses. I have one you know.

TNOYF: Well it’s just a name really and… Never mind. Let’s hop right in shall we? You are stranded on a deserted island and can bring with you any three things you want. What do you bring?

Paris Hilton: The whole city of Los Angeles, pennicillin and the complete second season of The Wiggles. That’s hot.

TNOYF: Really? The whole city? This is not a huge deserted island we’re talking about here and LA is enormous.

Paris Hilton: You said I could bring anything!

TNOYF: Well yes I know I did, but it’s not a matter of what I said. Look, Los Angeles has a total area of 472 square miles. We’re talking about an island that is maybe 6-8 square miles. It simply cannot work.

Paris Hilton: The back of my eyes are staring to hurt.

TNOYF: Sorry about that. Let’s move on. You have a new movie coming out soon, Some Are In Paris. Can you tell us a little bit about it?

Paris Hilton: It’s sort of a romantic comedy but without the comedy and romance and with more hot sex between strangers.

TNOYF: Are you expecting a big opening?

Paris Hilton: I hope not. I do these special exercises where I squeeze my …

TNOYF: No, I meant your film!

Paris Hilton: Oh! Sorry. I’m such a goose sometimes!

TNOYF: Okay. Next question. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

Paris Hilton: If I were a what?

TNOYF: A tree.

Paris Hilton: Not ringing a bell.

TNOYF: Moving right along. You are known around the world for your wild, partying lifestyle. Yet, at 24 years old you chose to get engaged. Why did you make that decision?

Paris Hilton: I made that decision for a few reasons. First of all, his name is Paris! I mean what are the odds of two people named Paris finding each other? It’s like fate or something. B, he’s from Athens and I have always had a soft spot for French men. And fourth he ships magnets! Magnets are hot!

TNOYF: No Paris, he is a shipping magnate. That means that he… oh never mind.

Paris Hilton:I like when you explain stuff to me. What are you doing after this interview?

TNOYF: Me? Why I… uhh… gee… well… I’m married and… I’m allergic to chlamydia.

Paris Hilton: Married? That’s way hot!

TNOYF: Well that concludes our interview. Thanks for taking the time to meet with us Paris.

Paris Hilton: Hey! Where are you going? Get back here!

(Thanks to Outside the Beltway and The Mudville Gazette.)

It is not every day that you have the opportunity to sit down with a true cultural icon and get inside of his head. We at The Nose On Your Face had the honor of chatting with a man whose television show, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, has touched the lives of many children around the world: Mr. Fred Rogers.

TNOYF: Hello neighbor!

Mr. R (standing up): That’s it. I’m walking.

TNOYF: Mr. Rogers wait! Where are you going?

Mr. R (exiting the room): First of all, it’s ‘Fred’ pissface. Second, my publicist made it clear that there was to be none of that ‘neighbor’ bulls—! I do one little children’s show and I’m typecast for life.

TNOYF: Mr. Rog… err… Fred, please come back. That was my fault. I apologize. Please… have a seat.

Mr. R (sitting back down): Okay. But don’t push me. No ‘neighbor’, ‘neighborly’, ‘neighborhood’- none of it! You got it? People think I’m soft just because I hang out with puppets.

TNOYF: Well, the sweater probably doesn’t help that either.

Mr. R: What?!?

TNOYF: Nothing. Shall we begin?

Mr. R: Sure, sure. Sorry, I lost my head for a minute. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.

TNOYF: No problem. It happens. Fred, if you were a tree what type of tree would you be?

Mr. R: Hmmm… I would have to say a weeping willow. They are so flowing and graceful.

TNOYF: Oh, I love those. When I was growing up we had a bunch of those in the neighbo… Next question. What is it like being loved by so many children?

Mr. R: Who squealed?!?

TNOYF: Fred I don’t…

Mr. R: It was Timmy wasn’t it?!?

TNOYF: What are you talk…

Mr. R: That little son of a b—-!

TNOYF: I meant loved by children because of your tv show.

Mr. R: I knew that. I was just, uh, practicing for a role that I’m going to be playing in a new movie.

TNOYF: Oh, what movie is that?

Mr. R: What movie is it? Umm, they haven’t titled it yet. How about another question there?

TNOYF: What three things would you bring with you if you were trapped on a desert island?

Mr. R: Good question. My hamster. Cat Fancy magazine. And a jar of Nutella.

TNOYF: Why Nutella?

Mr. R: Why not?

TNOYF: Okay. What is in your CD player right now?

Mr. R: Snoop Dogg: Live From Yo’ Momma’s Izzass, Volume I.

TNOYF: Is there a Mrs. Rogers?

Mr. R: Oh boy. Let me put it this way: Was there a Mrs. Liberace?

TNOYF: Got it. Finish this sentence for me. “The hardest thing I have ever had to do was…”

Mr. R: “… get the blood stains out of my trunk after that incident with the drifter.”

TNOYF: Care to elaborate on that.

Mr. R: No.

TNOYF: Fred I know this is ridiculous, but there is a rumor out there that as a boy you were involved in a street gang. I know this is not true, but could you help us to understand where this nonsense came from?

Mr. R: 12th Street Marionettes fool. But that was a long time ago. A long, long time ago.

TNOYF: Wow. Well that was my last question. On behalf of The Nose On Your Face I would like to thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

Mr. R: Marionettes in the hizz-ouse!

(Sadly, Mr. Rogers Fred died shortly after this interview.)

The Northeast continues to dig out from an early March snowstorm that has dumped anywhere from 1-3 feet of snow in different areas. And these days when snow comes to mind so does the Reverend Louis Farrakhan. In his new book “Snow: The White Devil’s Tool of Oppression”, Reverend Farrakhan declared that snow is a “wicked creation used by the white man to oppress my people.”

Reverend Farrakhan was kind enough to take time out of his busy schedule of fomenting racial unrest to sit down for an interview with yours truly to discuss his new book.

TNOYF: Reverend Farrakhan thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

RLF: “Taking the time?” The only thing that has been ‘taken’ is the black man’s soul by the so-called white devil.

TNOYF: Alright. You were quoted in your book as saying …let me get this right…that “snow is a tool of the white devil.” Can you tell me more about that statement?

RLF: What more do you need? It is a fact.

TNOYF: A fact? I’m not a scientist but I believe that snow occurs naturally as a result of cold temperatures and high moisture content in the atmosphere.

RLF: That’s the white man’s science.

TNOYF: May I then assume that blacks have a different science?

RLF: No you may not. The black man has not been allowed to have any science because his former white master would not allow it.

TNOYF: I feel like we got off to a bad start here. Let me try to rephrase my question. What is it about snow that has you so upset and why do you think it was created by the white man?

RLF: First of all, I detest the color of it. Second, I don’t “think” it was created by the white man. I know it was. It’s cold. It’s white. It keeps brothers in all winter long. I mean have you ever driven through a black neighborhood in the winter-time? It’s as empty as the sign-up sheet for Ted Kennedy’s “Scotch & Swim With Teddy” class. Snow has locked up more black men then the entire penal system in this country.

TNOYF: Interesting take. In your opinion what should be done about snow then?

RLF: Are you mocking me?

TNOYF: No I…

RLF: Because if you are so help me Allah I will smite you where you stand!

TNOYF: …was just…

RLF: Don’t play the white-man-semantics game with me! I’m not some fresh-off-the-plantation servant negro!

TNOYF: Well, on behalf of The Nose On Your Face I’d like to thank…

RLF: “Nose on your face?” Is that a derogatory statement meant to ridicule the black man’s nasal capacity?

TNOYF:No it’s just the name of…

RLF: How about “The D!@# In Your Mouth?” Get it?

TNOYF: Umm, security? Help.

Like most of you out there, when we here at TNOYF think of the word “love”, one man comes to mind: Senator Edward “Teddy” Kennedy (D-Massachusetts). That is why with Valentine’s Day upon us, we were extremely fortunate to sit down with the very busy senior senator from Massachusetts and discuss all things amour.

TNOYF: Senator Kennedy thanks for taking the time to meet with us.

TK: Err-ahh… always a pleasure.

TNOYF: Same. Let’s jump right in with a tough one. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

TK: I thought this was an interview about love and Valentine’s Day.

TNOYF: You caught me! I misread the question. What I meant to say was: If you were a tree on Valentine’s Day, what type of tree would you be?

TK: Err-ahh… That’s better. You can’t slip those tricky ones by me! Let’s see. I guess I never really thought about it. Err-ahh… I guess a Scotch Elm. Hold the Elm. Heh-heh.

TNOYF: Good one Senator. Any gift ideas for the fellas out there?

TK: Flowers are always good. They seem to like jewelry and candy as well.

TNOYF: Ah yes, the old standards. Any gifts to avoid?

TK: Err-ahh… I try to avoid all water related products.

TNOYF: Sure. The Democratic Party has traditionally been known as the party of minorities. Any tips for our African-American male readers?

TK: Err-ahh…Oh hell I never know what those people like. Err-ahh… Well,I can’t think of any, but I can ask my Senate colleague Big Mac Osama…I mean Balack Pastrama… err-ahh… Obama bin… Barack… err-ahh… My Salama in your mama….no that’s not right…

TNOYF: Barack Obama?

TK: Err-ahh…Yes, him.

TNOYF: Moving right along. Finish this sentence: My ideal woman has…

TK: Gills, no vocal chords and a low tolerance for alcohol.

TNOYF: What?

TK: Oh that was out loud wasn’t it? I do that sometimes. Scratch that.

TNOYF: Right. What is your idea of a dream date?

TK: Err-ahh…now you’re talking. Well the day starts out with a presidential recall with yours truly being named new commander-in-chief. My first official move is to have “The Star Spangled Banner” replaced with the scotch song Will Ferrell sings in Anchorman. Next I have anonymous sex with one of those gals from Girls Gone Wild. I drink a Dewars. Bush gets eaten by wolves. More anonymous sex. This time with several co-eds from Playboy Magazine’s “Girls of the Pac-10″ issue. More Dewars. Taxes get raised. I invite the New England Patriots cheerleaders to the Oval Office for a little game of “Kneel to the Commander-in-Chief”, if you know what I mean. Then…

TNOYF: Senator, you’re doing it again.

TK: Err-ahh…sorry about that.

TNOYF: Please Senator, this is a family oriented column. Last question for you Senator Kennedy. You are from perhaps the most famous political family in US history. American royalty some say. Your brothers Bobby and Jack were both political giants and must have influenced you politically. Did they play a role in shaping your views on romance as well? If so, how? 

TK: Err-ahh…well I remember this one time when Marilyn was over. She kept going into the back room with Jack and then Bobby, Jack and then Bobby and I was like “Err-ahh…hey! What am I chopped liver?” I have needs too…

TNOYF: I think that concludes our interview for…

TK: …and then Jack was like ‘Hey Teddy, smell my fingers’ so I said…

TNOYF: …today. Thanks for your time Senator.