The news that the “virtual fence” along the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona “doesn’t meet contract requirements for detecting border intrusions,” and may require replacement, has understandably caused quite a stir. Many are wondering why upwards of $85.5 million dollars had been spent, and angry questions are being raised about the reasons for the functional deficiencies.

TNOYF has learned the stunning issue at the center of the debate: the virtual border fence only performs well against virtual Mexicans, raising allegations from the formidable virtual Mexican community of a discriminatory immigration policy on the part of the United States.

“Blatant avatar discrimination,” seethed Hector Valdez, spokesman of La Raza Virtuales. “The United States claims that it is trying to manage illegal crossings by all Mexicans, but we believe there will soon be a sad trail of digital animation that suggests otherwise.”

The U.S. government denied that there was any deliberate attempt to target any one specific group of people, but one anonymous border patrol agent said that test runs of the virtual fence had only netted a group of “heavily pixelated, poorly-rezzed” Mexicans.

GUEST EDITORIAL BY IKE TURNER

I have been following the case of the illegal immigrant who recently scurried back across our southern border with his delightfully curvaceous junior high teacher with great interest.

Some have suggested that this is simply a case of true love that should be encouraged rather than condemned, and that the criticisms of the couple stem from pure racism, as the young man in question is a Mexican national.

Others, like the reprehensible Mr. Potfry, have opined that this is simply one more example of the need for far more relaxed immigration policies, as this “Latino-ager” was merely one of many undocumented citizens who are “doing the fat women that Americans will not do.”

Hogwash. First of all, they’re called “illegals” because they are here… anyone? That’s right. Illegally. If I hear any more junk about “undocumented citizens” I’m liable to go “Old School Ike” on somebody’s ass. Ask Tina how much fun that is.

But more to the point, off the top of my head I can think of at least fifty out-of-work brothers who would hit that without taking her and her considerable assets (financial and flesh-toned), south of the border. When you think of it in those terms, “doing the fat girls Americans won’t do” sounds an awful lot like “doing the fat girls white Americans won’t do.”

What about the way that the lax enforcement of immigration policies is affecting African-American men? Will no one stand up for my people’s right to some plus-sized Caucasian love?

Does that make me racist? Nationalistic? A patriot? Damn straight! But even more than that, it makes me an unapologetic lover of all those pale-skinned, Reubenesque lovelies. To paraphrase the noted poet Sir Mix-A-Lot: “36-34-36? Ha ha, only if she’s 5′3″.”

And to the ladies out there I pose this question: why go out of town for a little ol’ taquito, when you can get the burrito grande supreme right here at home?

POINT, BY R.H. POTFRY: ILLEGAL MEXICAN TEENAGERS ARE DOING THE FAT TEACHERS AMERICAN TEENAGERS WON’T

EDITORIAL BY R.H. POTFRY
The case of a junior high school teacher from Nebraska who fled to Mexico with her student/lover has captivated the press for the past few days, and at first blush, it bears the hallmarks of your typical teacher/student tryst: a 25-year-old female teacher and 13-year-old male student on the lam with a duffel bag full of condoms and hope.

Yet, under closer inspection, this tryst is anything but your run-of-the-mill statutory rape case. You see, the 13-year-old boy, Fernando Rodriguez, is an illegal Mexican immigrant. And his abductor, Kelsey Peterson, is a moon-faced heifer.

Why is this significant?

Studies show that as more and more female junior high teachers bed their male students, a critical shortage of teenage boys looms. And, as natural selection takes effect, it will be the stouter educators who are first to feel the marketplace pinch. Indeed, as their willowy co-workers get the pick of the adolescent litter, the chubbier spinsters will be left to choose from the mostly pre-pubescent Chess club, or forced to take that job as assistant softball coach in order to find love on the other side of the aisle.

Enter the illegal Mexican teenager.

The Peterson-Rodriguez case illustrates that, not unlike cutting lawns, schtuping the fat teacher is another unsung job that Americans shun, but Mexicans are willing to do. But instead of allowing this marketplace transaction to occur naturally, our short-sighted immigration policy calls for the return of a virile young bandito like Fernando Rodriguez to Mexico, rather than allowing him to supply Large Marge with the undocumented love she demands.

We call for the immediate return of Fernando Rodriguez to the United States. It is our hope that he becomes a symbol of the free market economy that this country was built on: the Elian Gonzalez of the beef-trolling set, so to speak.

COUNTERPOINT BY IKE TURNER: THE RACIAL POLITICS OF PLUS-SIZED WOMEN

On the heels of her excellent expose on the stress, anxiety, and depression that many illegal immigrants are forced to live with in this country, MetroWest Daily News staff writer Liz Mineo has scored another journalistic coup. The Framingham, Massachusetts writer has now set her sights on the prejudice, discrimination, and danger that sexual offenders must deal with on a daily basis.

“As I reflected on the horrors that undocumented Americans go through, I began to wonder about other marginalized groups in this country,” said Mineo. “I started to think about how terrible it must be to be a ‘rapist’, or as I like to call them, ‘unapproved fornicators.’

Let me tell you, their daily lives are fraught with both sadness and peril. For example, did you know that upwards of 43% of the women they accost have had some type of martial arts training? Or that nearly 63% of the objects of their affection carry either pepper spray or mace? And here’s the kicker, over three quarters of them are carrying those deadly weapons without the proper government approval! Now you tell me, who are the real victims?”

Mineo went on to note that simply tracking down their potential partners can be quite tricky.

“The system as it stands today is patently unfair. When these gentlemen enter a house late at night, there is no telling what they may find. Skateboards, vicious dogs, or even insanely jealous spouses could be waiting on the other side of that locked window, which is why many of these individuals are pushing hard for an early release of the new Google Home Schematics program. Just to level the playing field a bit.”

Fox News recently reported that Al Qaeda members have taken to using the porous U.S.-Mexico border as a means to infiltrate the former country. As one border patrol agent recently discovered, this was no idle warning.

“We’ve had our suspicions for quite some time,” said Agent Daniel Simpson. “First thing we noticed was that some of the illegals weren’t stopping for siestas on their journey. That puzzled us, but we wrote it off thinking that maybe they were just Colombian or something. Next we turned up a few copies of Camel Fancy magazine, and our radar really went up. But hey, everyone has their own thing. I’m not ashamed to admit I still get a bit tingly during The Crying Game. To each his own.”

Simpson continued.

“Then we began noticing some subtle language differences. For instance, when we captured them, many of the illegals were greeting us with ‘hola akhbar’. This might happen once or twice and be written off as a misunderstanding, but this was occurring too frequently to be an accident.”

However, at least one man disagrees with Simpson’s assertion.

“This is a most racist and disgraceful characterization, this gringo has made,” said Fernando al Tikriti bin Gomez. “By Allah’s beard I will remove the worthless pig’s head with my scimitar…is, ummm, what I would say were I anything other than an honest and upstanding Mexican national, looking to cross peacefully into the land of the Great Satan to find employment to support his family.”

CAIR representative Ibrahim Hooper was unavailable for comment, but his answering machine did contain a message that offered an official blanket condemnation against “any Westerner who: insults Islam; makes fun of Islam; has not yet accepted Islam; acknowledges Islam exists; and uses the words “I” and “slam” in a sentence together which would clearly fall under the category of an insult.

In spite of the fact that the new immigration bill has been moved off of the fast-track as it meanders its way through Congress, other special interest groups have seized the moment to press their respective cases.

Foremost among these is the Jersey City-based organization Homebound Italian-American Males for Justice which, according to their charter, ”advocates for the rights of our members to live at home with their parents until death, (God forbid) or the settlement from the insurance company over that car accident, do they part.”

“It’s very simple,” said HIAMJ spokesman Anthony “The Trix Rabbit” DeCavalcante. “If those Mexican peishaleeks are gonna get special treatment, then so should real Americans. We are merely asking for what is coming to us. As the original hyphenated Americans, we feel that we deserve better. The IROC-Z Visa that we are proposing is a great start.”

The IROC-Z Visa would provide the following for its holder:

• Forgiveness for back rent owed.
• Clothes washed and folded on a regular basis.
• No busting balls about getting a “real job.” Enough already.
• In the event that the visa-holder decides to get married, he will receive assurances that his new wife’s gravy will be thick, delicious, and a little bit tangy; just like mama’s.
• Amnesty for any ass-kickings delivered prior to the issuance of said visa.

In a related story, Senate members have been pushing for a ZZZZZ-Visa which would serve to severely limit the time that Senator Robert Byrd is allowed to speak on the floor.

U.S Border Patrol agents have begun putting the clamps on scores of undocumented aliens who attempt to leave this country illegally. The exodus is a recent phenomenon, and one that is causing a good deal of concern.

“They usually don’t migrate from north to south,” said Border Patrol spokesman Terry Dolance. “It goes against their genetic make-up. Something is spooking them and I’m not exactly sure what it is. It could be the recent spate of immigration raids. But I suspect it has something to do with global warming; just like that angry guy who spits a lot says.”

Global warming proponents agree that severe winter weather across the country could play a role in driving aliens out of America.

“Look, these folks are not prepared for the effects of global warming,”  said Berkeley professor of climatology Fig DuBois. “The record snowfalls. The extremely cold temperatures. The sleet and ice storms. They come from countries with warm climates. They are simply not equipped to deal with this.”  

Regardless of the reason for the exodus, the work can be risky although at least one man revels in the challenge.

“Is it dangerous?” asked Border Patrol officer Martin Solsberg rhetorically. “It can be. But the simple fact is these little buggers are more scared of you than you are of them. Given the opportunity they’d much rather run away and take a nap in the sun some place. However, when that sunshine is taken away and replaced with blizzards and wintry weather, they can be very unpredictable. ”

U.S. Border Patrol agents take three unidentified illegal aliens from Mexico into custody as part of the tougher immigration enforcement policy that President Bush outlined in his speech Monday night. This particular trio was caught by a quick thinking agent who noticed a “My Other Country Is a S***-hole” bumper sticker on the men’s El Camino.

Technorati tags: illegal immigration, immigration, illegal aliens, Mexico, border, Bush, Humor, satire

In an attempt to give our readers a balanced sense of the reactions to President Bush’s big immigration speech from last night, we spoke with a wide range of people including politicians, celebrities and everyday citizens to get their thoughts.

Here is what they had to say:

Representative Tom “Tank” Tancredo- “Bush missed a big opportunity last night to win back not only his conservative base, but also a great number of independents and moderate Democrats who are for a much firmer approach to border enforcement and illegal immigration. In fact, my polling data shows that 75% of U.S. citizens… that number clearly crosses party lines… 75% are not only for a greatly increased National Guard presence on the border, but also for the digging of a moat and the massive deployment of Florida alligators.”

Senator Ted “Tanked” Kennedy- “The House of Representatives… with a Republican leadership mind you… has effectively criminalized every foreign citizen who has come across our border illegally and in violation of our law. This amounts to nothing less than blanket illegalization and I categorically reject it. Furthermore, I have heard that Mr. Tancredo is suggesting that a moat be dug along the border. I do not have strong enough words to express how strongly I oppose this proposal.”

Paris “Skank” Hilton- “I like pistachio ice cream. But when I eat it too fast, the inside of my brain hurts.”

Representative Patrick “Tanked Junior” Kennedy- “I’d like to see all of the physical barriers along the border … barricades, fences, big rocks… removed. Although I have not attempted to do so yet, they look like a bitch to navigate while in a Tequila fog.”

Jack “If You Insert A Cutesy Nickname Here I Swear I’ll Cut Your Heart Out With A Rusty Hub-cab” Bauer- “There’s no time for answering questions now. This little ‘pre-emption’ of my work may have already cost millions of American lives.”

Rick Sanders (Home Depot manager from Phoenix, Arizona)- “As a Home Depot manager, I’m looking forward to tougher illegal immigration enforcement. Maybe now we’ll have some room in our parking lot for things like cars and trucks.”

Thurston Q. Worthington (Beverly Hills resident) - “This isn’t going to affect my landscaping is it? Oh, God I hope it doesn’t affect my landscaping.”

DNC Chairman Howard Dean- “If we don’t get a more humane immigration policy then we’ll go to Nuevo Laredo and Tijuana and Cozumel and Mexico City… hee-yaahhhh!!”

Thanks to: Mudville, The Anchoress, OTB, Point Five, Wizbang!, Samantha Burns

Technorati tags: immigration, illegal immigration, President Bush, Bush, speech, humor, satire, border, amnesty, conservative, Mexico

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has been all over the news recently due to his revolutionary approach to handling illegal aliens who cross the Mexican border into his county: he arrests them. Arpaio is no stranger to controversy having faced condemnation from the mainstream media in the past for housing his prisoners in tent cities and issuing them pink underwear.

We felt that America should know a bit more about this wildly popular, throwback of a lawman.

9. Arizona legend has it that famed counter-terrorism agent Jack Bauer is the result of a one-night stand between Sheriff Joe and an ill-tempered cougar.

8. While it is not true that Sheriff Joe once shot his mother in the leg for jaywalking, he did in fact tazer an aunt for failing to yield the right of way to a pedestrian. 

7. Although he is unquestionably heterosexual, the main wall in Sheriff Joe’s office nonetheless sports a life-size Tony Snow poster.

6. Sheriff Joe recently deputized a posse of pyromaniacs and tasked them with finding all of the news in The New York Times that is “fit to burn”.

5. While some of you may know that Sheriff Joe once guest starred in an episode of Scooby-Doo (as a zombie), you may not be aware of the fact that he coined the phrase “I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

4. Although he was eaten by wolves at an early age, Sheriff Joe survived the encounter. However, to this day he still cannot watch Lon Cheney Jr. movies.

3. Sheriff Joe cemented his reputation as a no-nonsense immigration enforcement officer years ago when he clubbed two members of Menudo with his nightstick for allegedly “lookin’ illegal”.

2. Although he does not claim any German heritage, Sheriff Joe still describes himself as an “uber-fan” of David Hasselhoff.

1. Contrary to popular belief the drummer from Def Leppard did not lose his arm in a car crash, but rather had it torn off by Sheriff Joe after violating a county noise ordinance by repeatedly tapping his drumsticks over his head.   

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Maricopa County, Arizona, sheriff, illegal immigrants, immigration, Mexico, enforcing the law, arrest, satire, humor, illegal aliens, tent city, pink underwear

  Reportedly disappointed and feeling a bit duped after discovering that the Minutemen are not in fact “the San Francisco treat”, U.S. President George W. Bush (right, shaking hands with Mexican President Vicente Fox) agrees to report information on the group’s activities directly to the Mexican government.

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: caption, Bush, Fox, Mexico, border patrol, minutemen, satire, humor, conservative

Tired of being looked down upon as “econdsay assclay” citizens, Pig-Latin Americans around the United States have banded together to fight for better treatment. Their newly founded organization, ReLinguista, seeks to pressure both major political parties into granting more rights to Pig-Latinos by demonstrating their unity as a minority group and drawing attention to their unique contributions to American society.

So far their tactics appear to be paying off.

“The Pig-Latino voting bloc has the potential to be a major factor in both the 2006 and future elections,” opined veteran political pollster Jack Dunaway. “They have largely been overlooked by both parties but you can clearly see that the Democrats are aiming to reel in the Pig-Latino vote and appear to be making some inroads. You can’t attend a Pig-Latino rally these days without being inundated by signs and fliers that read ‘Otevay Emocratday’. I am anxious to see the Republican response.”

Pig-Latino activist Omingoday Anchezsay, notes that Pig-Latinos are a major part of American society even though they have lived largely underground lives.

“For too long we have lived in shame,” Sanchez said via a translator. “Afraid to speak our native tongue for fear that we would be ostracized. Mocked. Ridiculed. But no more. From this day forward my brothers and sisters, when someone says to you ‘That’s an interesting accent, what nationality are you?’, I want you to hold your head up high and say with pride ‘Iway amway Igpay-Atinolay’!”

Thanks to: Mudville, OTB, Point Five, Wizbang, Samantha Burns, Stop The ACLU

Technorati tags: immigration, illegal immigration, satire, humor, conservative, Democrats, Republican

Tens of thousands of Mexican illegal immigrants skipped work yesterday and joined in the Uno de Mayo protest, a protest that seeks to restore the God-given rights of United States citizenship to Mexican nationals who have been lured north of the border by the siren song of unkempt lawns and filthy motel rooms. However, while they were busy marching the law of unintended consequences struck yet again as a score of Botswanan refugees stormed the nation and laid claim to the jobs that Americans will not do, and that Mexicans are too busy protesting to do.

The leader of the Botswanan contingent, Baruti Dabir, had this to say:

“Click click click. Click. Click click click click. Click. Click click click. Click click click… click. Click? Click click click!”

Many American homeowners are thrilled by the arrival of the Botswanans.

“Diego and Pablito have been so busy marching and protesting lately that my yard has gone to hell in a hand-basket,” said Phoenix resident Trevor Whitman, (pictured at right in his run-down yard with his new Botswanan gardening team). “Since Baruti and his countrymen have arrived I am already starting to see my lawn make a comeback, and they are willing to work for far less than my Mexicans would. I pay the whole tribe fifty shiny buttons and twenty yards of mid-grade, shiny fabric a month. Best of all, they have killed all of the mountain lions that sometimes hunt in the area.”

Technorati tags: illegal immigration, uno de Mayo, satire, humor, conservative, Mexico, immigration

As the sun rises across the fruited plains of the United States of America this morning, scores of documentally challenged Mexican-Mexicans will be hard at work protesting for their right to remain in the country that they love, like a real lot, don’t hate that much, want to reclaim for Mexico, currently live in.

While much of the media attention has been focused on the human protesters, a large contingent of their country-dogs have been busy organizing themselves in an effort to make their claim for a better life. Their organization, Chihuahuas Against Wearing Stupid F***ing Human Clothing, has already kicked off their own rally.

The following transcript is taken from, CAWSFHC founder, Mr. Snuggle-Buggles address:

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: My fellow Chihuahuas. For too long we have been treated very poorly by the dog owners of this country.

Crowd: Yes!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: On numerous occasions we have taken the pet-jobs that American dogs have refused.

Crowd: Yes!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: But I say, “Enough!” No more will we wear the dorky outfits that our oppressors put us in.

Crowd: Preach on brother!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: No more will we ride on their laps as they drive their Mercedes and talk on their cell phones.

Crowd: Yes!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: And no more will another Chihuahua be subjected to contracting syphilis-by-proxy as happened in the case of our sister Tinker Bell.

Crowd: Amen!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: Viva la revolucion!

End of transcript.

Thanks to: OTB, bRight & Early, Chez Diva, Iowa Voice, Reverse Vampyr 

Northern Mexican President George W. Bush listens intently as his Southern Mexican counterpart, Vicente Fox, demonstrates for reporters the size of the undocumented fish that got away.