Larry Erb, a full-time college student and seasonal lentil vendor, claims that he discovered the face of Al Gore on a potato chip while attending a Dave Matthews concert with his girlfriend, Willow.

“About half way through the show I reached down into my bag of Lays, pulled out a chip, and there he was,” said the University of Vermont intramural ultimate frisbee competitor. “Al-freakin’- Gore! The prophet himself! I was like, WHOA! I shook my head really hard cause I thought I was seeing things, but when I looked back, there he was again, looking at me in that Al Gore way. I think he was looking into my soul, man.”

Erb said that despite the loud music, he had a lengthy conversation with the potato chip, which he said went as follows:

Gore-Chip: “Larry, I’m Al Gore.”

Larry: “No duh, dude! What are you doin’ on my sour cream and onion chip?”

Gore-Chip: “Larry, I need your help. The planet is getting hotter by the minute. Did you see my movie?”

Larry: “Uh, yeah. Fahrenheit 9-11, right?”

Gore-Chip: “No, Larry, that was Michael Moore. He’s…slightly fatter than I am. I know you’re baked out of your mind, but please focus.”

Larry: “HEY WILLOW! CHECK IT OUT! AL GORE IS ON MY CHIP! AND HE TALKS!”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY! SHUSH! You can’t let Willow know about me.”

Larry: “Aw, sorry, dude.”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY, PLEASE. I AM A SERIOUS MAN WITH A SERIOUS MESSAGE.”

Larry: “OK, dude. You’re getting all red in the face and it looks really creepy. Is that sweat? Way gross.”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY! ENOUGH! Listen to me. You know about carbon footprints, right?”

Larry: “Uh-”

Gore-chip: “It doesn’t matter. Larry, we need to not only reduce our carbon footprints, we need to reduce the number of carbon footprints.”

Larry: “I’m not following you, man.”

Gore-Chip: “Shocker. Larry, we have to make sacrifices if we are going to save mother Earth. And by ‘we’, I mean you and your ilk. Would you agree?”

Larry: “True that. That’s why me and Willow have been recycling bong water.”

Gore-Chip: “And clearly skipping showers.”

Larry: “SO RIGHT! How’d you know?”

Gore-Chip: “FOCUS, Larry! I need you to make a sacrifice.”

Larry: “Say the word, Weird Al Potato Chip!”

Gore-Chip: “You need to eliminate Willow’s carbon footprint.”

Larry: “Uh, how do I do that?”

Gore-Chip: “You need to kill her. For Mother Earth.”

Larry: “HUH? Willow? I can’t kill the Will-ster, dude.”

Gore-Chip: “Mother Earth, Larry. The very fate of mankind. And you’re worried about some half-baked sprite who makes pottery?”

Larry: “She’s a ceramic engineer, Mr. Gore. And you are a potato chip. Yum.”

Erb claims that he then ate the potato chip, but sat with TNOYF’s sketch artist to draw the rendering seen here.

U.S Border Patrol agents have begun putting the clamps on scores of undocumented aliens who attempt to leave this country illegally. The exodus is a recent phenomenon, and one that is causing a good deal of concern.

“They usually don’t migrate from north to south,” said Border Patrol spokesman Terry Dolance. “It goes against their genetic make-up. Something is spooking them and I’m not exactly sure what it is. It could be the recent spate of immigration raids. But I suspect it has something to do with global warming; just like that angry guy who spits a lot says.”

Global warming proponents agree that severe winter weather across the country could play a role in driving aliens out of America.

“Look, these folks are not prepared for the effects of global warming,”  said Berkeley professor of climatology Fig DuBois. “The record snowfalls. The extremely cold temperatures. The sleet and ice storms. They come from countries with warm climates. They are simply not equipped to deal with this.”  

Regardless of the reason for the exodus, the work can be risky although at least one man revels in the challenge.

“Is it dangerous?” asked Border Patrol officer Martin Solsberg rhetorically. “It can be. But the simple fact is these little buggers are more scared of you than you are of them. Given the opportunity they’d much rather run away and take a nap in the sun some place. However, when that sunshine is taken away and replaced with blizzards and wintry weather, they can be very unpredictable. ”

A new and particularly virulent form of global warming known as “arctic re-thermalization” has recently been detected by climatologists in the Central New York region. Unlike traditional global warming, this new strain involves severe  cold, heavy amounts of snowfall, and carries with it the threat of frostbite. 

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