“The truth is not something that one can just be allowed to uncover for ones self. It must be properly shaped and molded by those that know best what the truth ought to be and how things ought to be presented so that it is perceived that way by the maximum number of people possible. This is why the mainstream media exists, to be the gatekeepers of news and information. You can’t just have people going around undermining a carefully crafted meme with inconvenient facts!”

-Harry Reid on a lawsuit filed by the DNC that seeks to prevent Republicans from using  Democrats own words against them.

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“We also shouldn’t use inflammatory words like ‘terrorist’ and ‘attacked.’ President Bush says that ‘terrorists attacked’ us on September 11th. How would you feel if the President called you a terrorist, and said that you attacked his country? I would feel angry and upset if that happened.”

- Activist Flowers Bloom speaking out against war.

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“He was dressed in black. And he said there was a ‘new Santa in town’. That’s when the barbed wire went up, the late night card games with the Abominable Snowman started, and the new training program began. It was horrible. Elves are supposed to make toys, not drill with M-16’s. Can you rub my arm?”

- Santa’s former helper Dimple Foxburr alleging that Santa has turned the North Pole into a terrorist training camp.

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“This is common ground between our peoples. This action has shown that we have more in common than the conventional wisdom says.”

-White House spokesman Scott McClellan reacting to Iran’s decision to ban Kenny G and George Michael.

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“The box is over there, you miserable piece of human waste. Get your own damn doughnut.”

-Jack Bauer to a terrorist subject in the new, more realistic, season of “24″.

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“And don’t get me started on General Otman. You’d think a famous centaur like that would have his choice of lady centaurs, and even horses, ‘fer Christ’s sake, but he has a taste for the Jersey, if you get me meanin’.”

- Transplanted Jersey Cow “Betsy of Narnia” on the milking practices in her adopted land.

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“Having lost my soon-to-be-ex-husband to the Republicans, I decided to infiltrate their society with the intent of ultimately subverting it toward more noble, liberal ideas. I carefully executed my strategy. First, I purchased some new conservative clothes. Next, using my dog clippers and a couple of disposable razors, I shaved my armpits and legs for the first time in over 30 years and sold the sacks of hair to a company that makes wigs, netting enough money to pay for the clothes and a DVD player I’ve been wanting.”

- Peace Moonbeam

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“The last thing we need is to terrorize conquered French citizens. After all, the French army should be doing that, and they would be were they not still traumatized from the blitzkrieg ass-beating that the Germans put on them. I actually did support liberating France… before I didn’t. But anyway, we don’t expect a time line… but we do expect a ‘line of time’ for success. Did I mention I served in World War I?”

- John Kerry’s grandfather Kashen Kerry criticizing Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s decision to enter World War II.

Submitted by Jonathan Leffingwell at Crush Liberalism

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“Tookie certainly won’t be the first innocent man murdered by a Republican governor. Bush sent John Wayne Gacy to the gas chamber in complete disregard for all the pretty paintings he did of happy clowns while on death row. But if we as a society start executing people with cute and/or cuddly sounding nicknames, who will be next? Nipsey Russell? Soupy Sales? Captain Kangaroo, perhaps? Boomer Esiason has nothing to worry about, though. After all, he’s white, and Conan is huntin’ Negroes this holiday season!”

-Lawrence Chomstein on Stanley “Tookie” Williams impending execution.*

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* Not technically a “fake quote”, but we liked it.

“Howard only wants what’s best for our brave kids in the military. And he never said ‘lose the war’. He said ‘loose the war’- meaning fight it even harder. It’s a common error in spelling and yet another way that the right-wing attack machine is taking his words out of context.”

- An unidentified Howard Dean spokesman responding to Republican attacks on Dean.

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“He was always accusing me of stuff like ‘masticating in public’. I know I’ve never done that.”

- Jessica Simpson on her break-up with Nick Lachey.

Submitted by Rodney Dill.

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“Mr. Berger has often stuffed things down me, but this time I just feel that I cannot, in good conscience, keep my zipper shut!”

-Sandy Berger’s pants.

“Debate first. Debate last. Debate while the explosions are going off. We must try to keep an open dialogue with those who want to kill you us. Would we stop talking with the noble cobra simply because it has killed our friend and lashes out insanely at our legs?”

-U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan on his five point plan for combating terrorism.

“If I was gay or a Frenchman I wouldn’t be sleeping too soundly just now.”

- President Bush after being asked about major policy initiatives for his second term.

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“Gills, no vocal chords and a low tolerance for alcohol.”

- Senator Ted Kennedy on his ideal woman.