Antarctica put its armed forces on high alert yesterday over fears that Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s newly unveiled sized-based foreign policy initiative would put the unassuming frozen land mass in the cross-hairs of the U.S. military.

“Iran, Cuba, Venezuela– these countries are tiny compared to the Soviet Union,” said Obama. “They don’t pose a threat to us the way the Soviet Union posed a threat to us.”

The Illinois senator’s comments, made at a campaign stop in Oregon, sent ripples through embassies worldwide as diplomats struggled with the implications. But in Antarctica, a clear and ominous message was received.

“We’re taking Senator Obama’s comments very seriously,” said Antarctica’s Defense Minister Walter Franklin, who also runs a novelty shop at the Prince Olav Harbour Research Station. “It’s clear that he intends to pursue a foreign policy based on land mass, and it doesn’t take an ice shelf geologist to figure out that Antarctica’s next on the list after the Soviet Union. Just because we live on a glacier doesn’t mean we’re slow.”

Franklin said that Antarctica had sent overtures to Canada and Greenland to form an alliance he called “The Axis Of Large.”

“We’re going to do what it takes to defend ourselves,” he said. “The Senator would be wise not to dismiss us as just another bunch of geeks studying penguin semen.”

Quite a bit of buzz about Absolut’s latest ad campaign in Mexico…

TNOYF has an exclusive peak at the ad slated to break in German cities next week…

And another that is planned for the mid-east region…

Yet another TNOYF exclusive: the final video from one of last weekend’s pet bazaar suicide bombers.

Editor: New footage of the testy exchange last week between reporter Helen Thomas and White House Press Secretary Dana Perino has emerged. TNOYF presents it here in its full, unedited glory.

______________________________________________________________________________

“..so, 5,700 troops will be home by the end of the year, so that is some troops coming home. The President said that troop levels are going to be made by commanders on the ground, and that we’re going to have to be-”

“SAN EEP NO MAPTO FAN EE WAN?”

“Helen, the American people have had a say. They elected a president, he is their Commander-in-Chief and is making decisions based on what his commanders on the ground are telling him-”

“FANN MOOP TEE RAY FLAN POD RAF CLON?”

“They elected a Commander-in-Chief, and the President is bringing home 5,700 troops based on the recommendations of his commanders on the ground. Hopefully in the future we can bring home more, but it’s going to depend on what General Petraeus says, and-”

“LAK RECOT FLAR TEP MAM OW NA?”

“Helen, I find it really unfortunate that you use your front row position– taking up three seats mind you– bestowed upon you by your colleagues, to make such statements. It is an honor and a privilege to be in the briefing room and to suggest that we are killing innocent people is just absurd and very offensive, particularly coming from someone who’s small, largely useless hands are not clean.”

“NAP MAH FOP TEN CLOT SHEOP?”

“Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean, but let me spell it out for you. Over the course of President Bush’s two terms in office, seven of our White House Press interns who disagreed with you have been mysteriously discovered frozen in carbon.”

“WAP LON FRON TIF VORK?”

“At last year’s ‘White House Tribute to Mark Twain’, upwards of thirty frogs went missing from the frog-jumping contest.”

“GERP LEAT FLAN LIT-”

“…their remains were found in your stool.”

“BLAN, TOR ERP LU! BLAN SHEE!”

“Fine, Helen. But what about the cache of Revlon Puppy Blood Crimson lipstick that was discovered in your lair? I’m looking right at the land mass that it has to cover, and let’s just say that you aren’t buying that amount of lipstick on a reporters salary.”

“DREL LON UN FREW OP TUN BAP LEEP BOL IRF TAP WAKY NAN FLON TO LOP POL CAR NOPYWAN TELOP WERP FANTWAN BON MORT FEL!”

…

“TORPLANFLENT.”

“Next question.”

The news that a British teacher in Sudan was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her students to name a Teddy Bear “Mohammed” reflects more than simply a clash of religious beliefs and cultures– it also reveals that the Muslim world fails to see the amazing untapped potential of the Mohammed brand.

It’s our belief that American marketers would be thrilled to create Mohammed-licensed products that generate new revenue opportunities and build bridges to the Islamic community. Conversely, this represents a unique opportunity for Islam to communicate the tenets of its belief system to the traditional American community.

It’s a win-win situation.

We’ve taken the liberty of creating some prototypes that reflect the amazing potential of this co-marketing relationship. CLICK ALL TO ENLARGE.

BABY MOHAMMED WETS-A-LOT

Be the envy of your entire madrassa with the new Baby Mohammed Wets-A-Lot doll from Haraamboro Inc.! 3 Realistic Action Settings — diaper-wetting, binky-sucking, and indiscriminate-stabbing– add to the fun of this terrific toy!

“MUTILATION” BOARD GAME

Does your youngster dream of getting his medical degree, setting up a practice in a Western nation, and then plotting the death of scores of infidels? Does he have a talent for genital mutilation that far outstrips his chronological age? Then Mutilation with Mohammed is the game to help harness his precocious energies!

METRO-MALIBU MOHAMMED AND HIS LIFE-PARTNER BARRY

Tired of the Q’aran’s archaic attitudes towards homosexuality? Do you find yourself answering “b” when the other junior jihadis ask you the question: Is that a suicide belt around your waist or are you just happy to see me? Then Metro-Malibu Mohammed is the doll for you! Comes in: Tramp Stamp; Reach Around; and Full Body Wax (pictured) editions. (Life-Partner Barry and Glory-Hole Allah sold separately.)

MOHAMMED 8-BALL

Unsure of the proper protocol for addressing insults to the Prophet? Have a question as to why the Q’aran refuses to follow the “q-u” rule? Just need another opinion on which country’s flag to burn at the demonstration this evening? Then the Mohammed 8-Ball is your choice! You and your friends will be treated to a variety of answers that include: “My sources say burn an American flag.”; “Slit the pig’s throat.”; and the very popular, “It was the Jews fault.”

“MOHAMMEDOPOLY”

Visit Papyrus Place. Take a stroll down the mean streets of Islamabad Avenue. Just be sure to avoid a detour to Israel! It’s capitalism-meets-genital-caning in the great new game Mohammedopoly that is sure to provide hours of fun for the whole family*. (*By “whole family,” we mean heterosexual males of violence-producing age)

PROPHET MINI-WHEATS

Plotting the new caliphate is difficult enough without having to worry about the functionality of your colon. Stay regular in an irregular world with new Prophet Mini-Wheats!

UPDATE: MOHAMMED BRAND CONDOMS! CLICK TO ENLARGE.

The American Women’s Bridge team’s anti-Bush protest in Shanghai last month is, by now, very well known (below).

What are less well-known are these other signs they held up…

As alarmed parents reacted to the news that the popular toy Aqua Dots was being recalled because it used a chemical that contained a date rape drug, one eight-year-old in Darien, Connecticut was agitated for a slightly different reason.

It seems Billy Cunningham was quite aware of Aqua Dots hidden powers and was planning some special activities for his ninth birthday party.

“You don’t get Suzie Arnold, Brittany Barker, and Vicky Ritter at a party and play Duck, Duck, Goose,” said Cunningham. “That’s opportunity knocking, and it’s where the nine-year-olds get separated from the eight-year-olds. A couple of Aqua Dots find their way into some juice boxes, or get accidentally sprinkled on a few sundaes, and Pin the Tail on the Donkey takes on a whole new meaning. You know what I’m sayin’?”

For her part, Billy’s mother Tonya Shaughnessy, was quite circumspect regarding Billy’s proclamation.

“Did he really say that? He is such a little devil! You know, ever since his father and I split up when he was seven months old he has really taken over the role of ‘man-of-the-house.’ I guess this is just one more example of how mature he is for his age. They grow up so fast. So fast.”

With the Aqua Dot option off of the table, Cunningham has been scrambling to find alternative party activities.

“I don’t want to give away all of my secrets, but I suppose I could drop a hint. Let’s just say that when one of the girls reaches in for a handful of popcorn from the container on my lap while we’re watching Toy Story II, Buzz Lightyear’s partner won’t be the only ‘woody’ in the room.”

Cunningham also predicted that a reformulated Aqua Dots would be dead-on-arrival at retail stores.

“You think that s&!% was a top seller because we all like to make gay little bead-crafts?” the eight-year-old asked rhetorically. “Sure. And I had Mom buy rubber cement because I like to make dainty flower collages.”

The Director of National Intelligence announced today that the public affairs position set to be filled by Pat Philbin, the orchestrator of last week’s fake FEMA press conference, had been determined to be fake as well.

“Hey, I love a good prank,” said DNI Director Mike McConnell. “and why should the guys at FEMA have all the fun? So I just called Pat and told him that there really was no job, we were just pulling his leg all along. HA! I think I caught him by surprise, cause he just sort of whimpered. But I bet he’s laughing now, knowing what a great sense of humor he’s got.”

A reporter pointed out to McConnell that Philbin claimed he was unaware the FEMA media advisory went out as late as it did last week, creating the need for fill-in “reporters” at the hastily arranged news conference.

“Oh, that Pat really knows how to keep a joke going, doesn’t he?” said McConnell. “OK, OK, I’ll play along. Uh, I didn’t know that Pat’s job was fake, either. But I’m in charge, so I’ll just have to bear the burden of his unemployment.”

Scott Beauchamp, the American soldier who penned diaries for The New Republic describing horrifically sadistic, abusive behavior on the part of U.S. soldiers in Iraq only to later recant, was killed today after accidentally detonating a concealed IED outside his barracks. According to eyewitnesses, the horribly disfigured Beauchamp staggered about for a few seconds before being mercifully run down by a Bradley armored vehicle.

“Private Beauchamp, aka Scotty Hemingway, is dead,” said Army investigator Captain Bill Higgins. “In all my years of investigating accidents, I’ve never encountered such an unusual sequence of events. And when you consider that every soldier on the base has come forward and claimed responsibility, you’ve got one tough case.”

The embattled Editor of The New Republic, Franklin Foer, offered a brief statement.

“By providing indisputable evidence of the types of transgressions described in Mr. Beauchamp’s diaries, his death clearly exonerates The New Republic from all charges of editorial carelessness levied by the right wing blogosphere.”

“Oh, and it sucks for Scott and all that stuff.”