Guest Editorial by The Berkeley Memorial Oak Grove Tree

By now many of you have heard the story of twenty-four year old Nate Hill who fell forty feet from the traverse-line that was being used to deliver food and water to him and the other protesters living in my branches on Sunday, and in the process, broke an arm and a leg. The group has been protesting against, in their words, “the fascist university’s decision to cut down the Memorial Oak Grove in order to further their greedy, capitalistic agenda.”

As you might imagine, I have been inundated with e-mails from his concerned supporters as to the true nature of the incident. One of the more common questions I have been asked is, “Was it George Bush or Karl Rove who pushed Nate out of the tree?”

Excellent question and, judging by the number of times I have been asked it, one that is clearly on the minds of many here in the Berkeley community.

The answer is…neither. I did it. Me. Moi. Yours truly. And I’d gladly do it again. “But why?” you ask. I’ll tell you why. When the double-crested cormorants crap on me, I don’t say a word. I figure that is part of the price of being a mighty oak. When the squirrels store their nuts in me, I let it go, even though I know I’ll have to endure merciless taunting and endless lewd jokes from all of the smart-aleck chipmunks in the grove. The way I see it, that goes with being an elder statesman in the arboreal community.

However, when I awoke the other day to the malodorous trifecta of stale bong water, hygienically-neglected ass, and white man’s dreadlocks, a line was crossed. Enough is enough. I’ve had a front-row seat for longer than I care to admit in this pathetic pit of misplaced activism, but this was the first time it found its way into my branches. I didn’t ask to germinate in f#**#ing Berkeley for God’s sake! That was just the “luck” of the draw, as it were.

Now, I’m sure good ol’ Nate and his basement-dwelling, employment-challenged compatriots have no problem with a woman having an eight-month-old fetus killed and ripped out of her a few days before she is set to deliver, but they get all choked-up if a tired old tree is set to be mercifully put down. Did anyone even bother to ask me what I wanted? I’m five-hundred and seventeen years old for Christ’s sake! I’m friggin’ exhausted. At this point in my life, just hearing the soothing sound of a chainsaw gets my trunk all sappy. Hell, I’m looking forward to becoming something cool and useful; like a chest of drawers, or a king-sized bed, or even a few hundred walking sticks. The operative word being “useful,” a term our hero and friends should familiarize themselves with, if they can break away from their hippie-lettuce and Chomsky for a few minutes.

Did I push him? Technically no, but I did take steps to insure he was not properly tethered to his line. However, I was able to definitively answer the age-old question: if a hippie falls in the woods does he make a sound? The answer is a resounding “yes.” And for the record, it is a whiny, screechy, mewling sound at that.

The Nose On Your Face has discovered that several environmental groups have begun targeting one of the most effective and time-tested weapons in the ongoing War On Odor: air fresheners. This initiative comes on the heels of those same groups’ continued refusal to bathe or use deodorant on a regular basis.

One key report notes the following:

“The environmental groups argue that in houses, offices and restrooms, Americans suffer significant exposure ‘to a veritable cocktail of dangerous and potentially dangerous volatile organic compounds. In cases of mold and damp indoor environments, air fresheners may hide an indicator of potentially serious health threats to the respiratory system.’”

Several student activist groups sprung into action upon learning of the dangers posed by the air freshening industry.   

“I think it’s about time that something is being done about the reckless use of air fresheners in this country,” said Hamilton College freshman Dane Wooderson, looking resplendent in caucasian dreadlocks and a ‘Legalize It!’ t-shirt. “If corporate America doesn’t give a damn about our respiratory systems, then we’ll have to take action on our own.”

However, many in the olfactory rights movement have expressed grave concerns over the potential ban on products such as Glade and Renuzit.

“This is nasal fascism plain and simple. And it is indeed a sad day for those of us engaged in the struggle against foul odors,” said Nelson Butterman of the Illinois-based activist musical group, We Don’t Want The Funk. “This is completely disingenuous. Of course  environmental rights activists are the ones leading the charge against banch-deterring products, much the same way that unfortunate looking, cloven-hooved feminists purport to be concerned that attractive, fit women are being exploited when they choose to use their good looks for their own benefit.”

Butterman added.

“If they are really concerned about ‘mold and damp indoor environments’ and ’serious health threats to the respiratory system,’ wouldn’t it make sense for these environmentalists to put down the monogrammed bongs and move out of their parent’s basements?”

Richard Branson and Al Gore recently announced a $25MM prize to help combat global warming.  Using our patented TNOYF mind-reading technology, we bring you the thoughts of this intrepid duo as they addressed the media yesterday.

Read the rest of this entry »

According to a recent New York Times poll, “secondary global warming” has moved up to second place on their readers list of the biggest concerns facing the country, overtaking convicted pedophiles who cannot access their E-NAMBLA.com dating accounts while in prison, and closing significant ground on President Bush. Former Vice President Al Gore attributes the rise in concern over non-traditional global warming to his own tireless efforts on behalf of the cause.

“This poll is a vindication of all of the years of hard work I’ve put in since I first discovered primary global warming,” said Gore. “This scourge is decimating our country. Our planet. And it’s not just happening in the usual ‘melting-the-ice-caps-destroying-the-ozone’ way; it’s bigger than that. Now we see the secondary effects can be just as devastating. I get letters from school children all of the time telling me how global warming ate their homework or pushed them down on the playground. I hear from elderly people who tell terrifying stories of how global warming conned them out of their life savings. And then there are the multitude of African-Americans who deal with the racial epithets thrown their way on a daily basis by global warming.”

Gore says that secondary global warming is the biggest threat facing the world today, and that people should not be misled by the fact that it only managed second place on the list. He went on to note some eerie commonalities between the top two NYT readers concerns.

“I am convinced that President Bush and secondary global warming are in fact one in the same individual,” said Gore. “They follow a strangely similar m.o.- both steal from old people; both hate children and African-Americans; and neither one can hold a tune. Furthermore, they have never yet appeared together in public.”

Rounding out the top ten biggest concerns facing America are:

4. Traditional global warming

5. America (the country not the band)

6. Westerns (that do not involve gay cowboys)

7. (tie) Stupid people who do not recognize the quality content on Air America

7. (tie) The extreme conservative slant in the mainstream media

8. SUV’s

9. Country music (except the Dixie Chicks)

10. The Star Spangled Banner

After his triumphant entry into the presidential campaign in New Orleans, John Edwards has embarked on an ambitious campaign tour that will take him to the front lines of the issues he feels are important to the country. TNOYF was lucky enough to accompany the former North Carolina senator as he traversed the globe….

Guest Editorial-

by John Q. Caribou

I have been watching the unfolding of political events in the lower forty-eight with a great deal of concern. As many of you no doubt are aware, one of the main planks of the Democratic platform has been and continues to be the prevention of drilling for oil in the ANWAR region of Alaska.

Ostensibly this is being done, according to new speaker Nancy Pelosi and others, to “protect the environment” and “save the caribou”. Interesting. I am in fact a caribou. All of my friends are caribou. None of us has ever been approached by anyone asking our thoughts about the notion of drilling in ANWAR. Which, according to our internal polls, is supported by over 97% of caribou.    

I can already hear the rebuttals from the left:

“But John, how can you support drilling in Alaska? It will destroy the pristine beauty of the wilderness!” If by “pristine” you mean “Godforsaken death tundra” then I agree. And by the way, last time I checked, none of you f***-biscuits were actually living in this “pristine” land.

“But John the oil might spill!” Good!! That might add a little taste to the damn snow we eat 24/7! Do you know what else caribou in this part of Alaska eat Ms. Pelosi? We eat our own turds. Do you know what we nosh on when we get sick of our own turds and want a little variety? We eat our friend’s turds. Think on that when you are sitting in your uppity Bay Area cafe pretentiously preaching about what my people want.   

“But John, some of my best friends are caribou!” Right. And I often slather my kids in honey and have the local brown bears babysit them.

Maybe, Ms. Pelosi, you can lend us some of that heavy machinery that you obviously employ to keep your face off of your neck, so that the American people and their caribou friends to the north will both benefit.

Thanks to: Dr. Sanity

    One surefire way to tell that spring is coming down under is the return of the australian rulis footbalis magpie more commonly known as the “rugpie”. These birds are known for their extreme toughness and their ability to lay eggs more than fifty times the diameter of their birth canals. Understandably, they are fiercely protective of their hard-birthed eggs and have been known to kill animals as large as lions and great white sharks who come too close to their future hatch-lings.

One year after Hurricane Katrina devastated much of the city of New Orleans, one man continues his  fight to resupply the area with the delicious Dutch brew that he feels will bring the city back to it’s glory days.

Many of you are likely familiar with the accompanying photograph of Bartholomew Jenkins taken during a post-Katrina (alleged) looting spree, however you may not be aware of Mr. Jenkins’ side of the story.

“It was a scary day for me,” reported a pensive Jenkins. “Katrina had just hit and people were freaking out. I saw a news report that said that along with the death and destruction, our Heineken reserves were at a dangerously low level. I know what Heiny means to this town. And even though I personally am a Colt .45 man, I knew I had to do something to help save the tourist industry. So I finished the rest of the human leg I was eating, I turned off the 72-inch plasma tv my friend had just given me, and I sprung into action.”

And spring he did. Although admittedly not a strong swimmer, Jenkins made his way up-river (past the Corps of Engineers who were hard at work flooding the town) to Alexandria where he found an intact cache of Heineken at Don Scammel’s abandoned beer distributorship. Jenkins took what he could carry (risking great personal injury by stuffing his pockets with bottles that he knew could break at any moment), and headed back to New Orleans. Jenkins modestly claims that he lost track of exactly how many times he made the trip during the following weeks, but suffice it to say that the shortage did not last.

“I knew we’d be able to settle up with Mr. Scammel later,” said Jenkins. “The important thing was getting the brewskis back to the Big Easy.”

One year later New Orleans continues the rebuilding process but Jenkins continues to hand deliver the beer just as he did when Katrina hit.

“It’s really just a ceremonially thing at this point,” said Jenkins. “But I think that it helps the morale of the city.”

Faced with flagging poll numbers in general and a divided base over his Supreme Court nomination of Harriet Miers in particular, President Bush announced early this morning that he intends to open up the strategic oil reserves located in the Northwest region of Michael Moore’s back. This move, our sources tell us, could cause oil prices to drop by as much as 40% and in turn boost Bush’s current job approval ratings back into the double digits.

“This is brilliant, politically speaking,” opined one pollster. “Since the advent of the mass-produced automobile, presidents who have kept gas prices relatively low have had high approval ratings regardless of other factors.” 

Proponents of the plan say that new and advanced technologies will enable the area to be drilled without harm to the ecosystem.  They also note that with a few minor diet modifications, the oil would actually be a renewable resource.

However, not everyone is happy about the president’s decision. Environmental activists claim that several endangered species populate the area set to be drilled and note that the heavy machinery and increased human activity could upset the delicate balance of life there.

“The Anmoore region is one of the most pristine and beautiful places in all of Moore,” stated Chakra Oleander. “To spoil it all just for some stupid oil is a criminal offense.”   

The White House noted that the smaller oil reserves located on Moore’s nose, buttocks and lower chins will remain untapped and held for emergency purposes. 

Thanks to Mudville, OTB, Basil and Stop the ACLU.

The ACLU has announced that they intend to file a lawsuit against President Bush over remarks he made in the days following Hurricane Katrina. In a statement released on August 28th, President Bush alternately referred to Katrina as a “disaster” and a “storm” as well as the decidedly non-politically correct term, “hurricane”.

“President Bush’s callous remarks have put even more pressure on the the already strained relationship between human beings and Tropical Wind Distribution Entities (TWDE),” stated ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “Many TWDE’s come from impoverished areas of the world. Areas that have been financially devastated by President Bush’s nearsighted foreign policy. If we take a good hard look at their upbringing in this context, can we really fault them for lashing out in anger?”

The ACLU’s suit seeks the following:

• The creation of a Looter’s Rights Defense Fund
• All U.S. troops out of Iraq
• One of President Bush’s kidneys   
• Ward Churchill’s likeness to be carved into Mount Rushmore
• Federally funded TWDE sensitivity training

In other news Baltic Avenue has seceded from the Monopoly board. No word yet on whether or not Mediterranean Avenue will follow suit.   

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to Mudville, Basil & OTB.

After careful deliberation and extensive research, a group of liberal bloggers have come to the conclusion that Hurricane Katrina (as well as all other hurricanes) are actually caused by President George W. Bush. An amazing feat for a man who reputedly signs important national security documents in red crayon to “show I mean business.” 

“For years we believed that hurricanes were merely intense low pressure areas that form over warm ocean waters and are fueled by water vapor that evaporates from the ocean surface,” stated one atmospheric scientist. “It never occurred to us at the time that this phenomenon could just as easily have been caused by a Republican president. This is a seminal moment in the study of meteorology.”   

However, at least one liberal intellectual takes the argument a step further.

“I am here to say that President Bush did not cause Hurricane Katrina,” opined the asinus wunderkind. “I maintain that George W. Bush is a hurricane.”

Let’s logically examine what we know. Bush is bad, hurricanes are bad. Bush kills innocent people, hurricanes kill innocent people. Bush refuses to speak with Cindy Sheehan, hurricanes don’t speak with Cindy Sheehan*. Bush hates blacks and other minorities. Where do hurricanes occur? In tropical regions of the world. Who lives in these regions? I rest my case.”

*Disputed point as Sheehan claims that she has the ability to “commune with the winds.”

Thanks to Basil, Mudville & OTB.

Several Greenpeace activists were injured in a potato incident off the coast of New Zealand earlier this week. Angry fishermen aboard the S.S. Trawl-’em-all loaded the large spuds into compressed air guns and aimed them at the Rainbow Warrior as a warning to the approaching environmentalists to stand down.

When the Greenpeace campaigners ignored the warning shots, the crew on the fishing boat took aim and fired.

“Not cool,” stated injured protester Chad Everetson. “We were just trying to stop those fascists from destroying the ocean and the beautiful creatures that inhabit it and then they started hucking potatoes at us. Really hard, fast flying potatoes. Russets I think. It wasn’t a total loss though. Steve-o was able to make a bong out of one of the bigger ones.”

As one might expect, the fishermen had a slightly different take on the matter.

“These waters are infested with protesters,” stated fisherman Ian McCullough. “It’s frightening really. We takes turns sleeping and keeping watch. But I’ll tell you what, as soon as we hear a bongo or get a whiff of b.o., it’s every hand on deck and man the tater cannons.” 

In a related story, following an anti-war rally in Norfolk, Virginia several protesters were taken to the hospital to have pineapples removed from their body cavities.

(Hat tip Right Wing News. Thanks to Mudville.)

The decision to drill for oil in ANWR has been approved by the Senate and seems likely to become a reality in the near future. That being said, the issue has come even further to the forefront of the blogosphere. Mark Noonan at Blogs For Bush called it correctly yesterday when he predicted that the vote would pass and Ace over at Ace of Spades HQ subtly encourages PETA members to hug a polar bear. Never ones to shirk responsibility, we here at The Nose On Your Face have done our part.

As a public service we present:

The Top 11 Side Benefits of Drilling in ANWR

11. May discover untapped pool of Eskimo rappers.

10. Alaska-Disney opens next year (they say it might bigger than the 1 in France).

9. Barbara Boxer’s head exploded when she heard the news.

8. More dead caribou means more caribou steaks.

7. More caribou jerky.

6. Playboy’s “Girls of ANWR” issue hits the stands July 1st.

5. More caribou burgers.

4. They may finally catch that wily Sasquatch.

3. People will have the opportunity to use the term “musk ox” more frequently.

2. Oil workers may get to meet Yukon Cornelius.

1. Hippie protesters face a much higher likelihood of frostbite in Alaska’s frigid climate.   

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 11″ lists and other organization’s “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 11, theirs have 10. Way different.)

In what many are calling the first substantial environmental policy of his administration, President Bush has called for a comprehensive, preemptive strike against all endangered species of animals.

The mission entitled, “Operation Drop Dumbo” , is being carried out, ironically enough, by teams of Navy SEAL’s.

“The spotted owl, the fur seal… the whole shebang. The kid gloves are finally off,” stated one visibly giddy SEAL commander.

Calls to several top environmental activists were not returned as of noon, but their parents did all promise to give them the messages when they woke up.

When asked about the reasons for this new initiative President Bush replied, “As you all know Republicans hate animals and the environment. I thought it was high time that our policies reflected these hatreds. I have the political capital to push this forward and I intend to use it.”

President Bush was evasive when asked about other major policy initiatives for his second term but did state that “if I was gay or a Frenchman I wouldn’t be sleeping too soundly just now.”

Note: Added to Monday’s Beltway Traffic Jam.