Senate majority leader Harry Reid is calling for the United States to leave the United States by October 31st 2007, saying that country has inflicted “incalculable amounts of suffering” upon not only the rest of the world, but also it’s own people.

“The evidence is clear,” said Reid. “Since America has been at the route of the rest of the world’s problems, doesn’t it naturally follow that we are the cause of our own ills as well? I think we need to get our own house in order and the best way to do that is to separate us from ourselves in a timely manner.”

Democrats were vague as to where the more than 300 million Americans would be relocated to, but some sources expected that 2/3 would likely return to their native Mexico to “wait and see if the new northern occupants are open to diversity.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered a unique proposal for the remaining U.S. citizens.

“Some will go to the poles to repair the ice shelves,” said Pelosi. “Others will be fitted with leaves, bark, and howler monkeys and be sent to the rainforests of South America to replace the trees that have been so callously destroyed by the U.S.’s ravenous appetite for paper products. And finally, the remaining citizens will be sent to France and the Palestinian territory to receive immersion training in enculturation and tolerance.”

Plans for the former United States are still unclear, but Reid said that they will likely involve “a right of return for Native Americans and mastodons.”

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry emerged from his hole this past week while visiting some friends in Iran and promptly saw his shadow. Political experts believe this will mean a minimum of six more years of America bashing.

After recoiling in terror from the initial sight of his shadow, the senator composed himself and gave a well-received speech touting the benefits of hummus over hot dogs.

Guest Editorial By Butch Nicotera

Most of you have no idea who I am, so please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Butch Nicotera and I went to school with Dennis Kucinich, or as we used to call him, Penis Blew-spinach. I’m not some fancy writer. I don’t make my living commenting on political matters. I am just an everyday Joe who lives in Minnesota working a 9-to-5 gig.

What I do know, however, is the benefit of doling out a good ass-kicking. Back in elementary school my business was issuing beat-downs to whimpering, sniveling, whiners, and business was booming. Now, it has come to my attention of late that old Blew-spinach has started spouting off more of his namby-pamby garbage, and may need a refresher course in Shut Your F***ing Piehole 101. He’s in luck; I’ve kept my teaching certification up-to-date.

Apparently he is aiming to shove a “fairness doctrine” (which is really just another way of saying “Help everyone! My vagina is chafed!”) down the collective throat of the American people. Apparently I was a bit too lenient in the old days as old Penis seems to have forgotten the lessons I tried so hard to beat into his freakish head.

I know that you’re probably thinking, “Hey Butch, it’s not nice to make fun of the guy’s appearance. It’s not his fault he looks like the result of a one-night stand between Mr. Spock and Mitch Albom.” Horse-feathers. My daddy used to whup me with a hubcap just for having two eyebrows. Ol’ Penis is getting off easy. 

But I digress. When he ran for the House of Representatives, I let it go. I figured somebody there would make an example of him. When he ran for president in ‘04, I knew he’d lose and I was right.

However, when he announced his plan to run for president this time around I realized that I had to do something. Not because I think he’ll win, but because I cannot listen to another word coming out of his frustratingly un-bloodied mouth.

That is why I formed Swift Kick Veterans From Duluth. We are a group of everyday guys and gals who are coming together to bring back old-school drubbings to those who need them most.

We are currently seeking volunteers with proficiency in any of the following areas:

• “locker room style” towel-snap delivery
• atomic wedgie application
• proven flinch inducing techniques
• lunch money reallocation 

As is the case with my patience, time is short so please do what you can to help right now.

Jane Fonda, Gloria Steinem and Rosie O’Donnell have announced that they are partnering together to back a new liberal radio network called GreenStone that they feel can make headway in a medium that has historically been dominated by conservatives by attracting a large audience of female listeners.

“What we are going to offer is a natural counter-weight to Rush Limbaugh,” said Steinem. “Rosie is on board to provide the tonnage necessary to do so, and Jane and I will put us over the top. We’re going after his core audience: the left-wing, anti-gun, radical feminist listener that Rush has had a monopoly on up until now. But there’s a new sheriff in town. Actually, three new sheriffs in very comfortable shoes.”

Per GreenStone’s website, the station will provide programming that “women want to hear.” Projected topics that they will cover include feng shui, plastic surgery and spring cleaning tips.

“For too long Rush has had the market cornered on angry, feng shui addicted women with perfect noses,” added Fonda. “But we are here to say that those days are over.”

All three women were loath to make comparisons between the new station and the floundering liberal radio network Air America.

“Look, Air America is a money-hemorrhaging, screechingly left-wing, anti-American radio network with angry male and female hosts,” stated O’Donnell. “GreenStone is a soon to be money-hemorrhaging, screechingly left-wing, anti-American radio network with only female hosts, only some of whom happen to stand up to pee. It is a patently unfair comparison.”

Technorati tags: Green Stone, radio, Air America, Rosie O’Donnell, Jane Fonda, Gloria Steinem, Rush Limbaugh, conservative, satire, humor

In what can best be described as an attempt to move their party back towards the political center, the Democrats today announced the “Castro-Carter 2010″ initiative, which is quickly becoming known as the “Bearded Malaise” ticket.

“Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, George Soros, The Democratic Underground- they have really taken the party too far to the right,” stated Carter-Castro spokesman Nathan Lemieux. “What we hope to do is return the Democratic Party to it’s glory days of unrestrained capitulation towards anti-American aggression. We think that we have put together the right candidates to do just that.”

Although Castro is not technically a United States citizen, lawyers from the ACLU are working hard to find a loophole that would allow him to run.

“It speaks volumes about our country that in this day and age, a man of Mr. Castro’s accomplishments and stature can have his civil rights trampled on in such a way,” said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “I’ve defended pedophiles, murderers and pickpockets and I am here to state unequivocally that to the best of my knowledge Mr. Castro is no pickpocket. And if in fact he is not a pickpocket, doesn’t that entitle him to an opportunity… just an opportunity mind you… to lead this formerly great country of ours?”

When faced with questions about the rumors of Castro’s apparently imminent demise, Lemieux remained optimistic.

“Just for the sake of argument let’s say that the rumors are true- and I am in no way confirming them- and he is at death’s door,” Lemieux stated. “I think that it would actually be great for the campaign. Let’s take a look at some facts. Dead musicians are actually quite productive. Now I know Castro isn’t technically a musician, but he does enjoy music. John Lennon. Elvis. They are both raking in the dough and have fanatical followings. Tupac is more prolific now than he ever was alive. And don’t forget about Keith Richards. Hell, he’s still playing gigs and he’s been dead going on fifteen years. A Castro dirt bath puts this ticket over the top.” 

Hat tip to our good friend Jarhead John for the photo.

Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman was the target recently of what some are claiming is a blatant attempt to smear him as a racist, when Huffington Post contributor Jane Hamsher created a photo-shopped picture of the senator wearing black-face and sporting a minstrel outfit. 

For her part, Hamsher, maintains that people have misinterpreted the gesture that she says was intended as a tribute to Lieberman.

“I’m really not sure what the fuss is all about,” Hamsher stated. “When I created the picture of Tom Tancredo in a sombrero holding a leaf-blower in one hand and a burrito in the other, no one complained. Or how about the time that I made the picture of George W. Bush with slanty eyes and an armful of crisp, clean laundry pointing skyward with a word bubble that read, ‘Oh no! Rook! It’s Godzirra!‘. No one made a peep then either.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: some of my best friends are black-face wearing minstrels who don’t tow the Democratic Party line. Now please call off the right wing attack dogs.”

“Peace Mom” Cindy Sheehan wows the crowd at her new Crawford, Texas ranch with her patented “boa floss” move from her critically acclaimed burlesque show, “The Gastrointestinal Monologues.”

The performance was part of the larger week long festivities from the first annual “I’m Doing This All For You Casey! Pork Barbecue & Hunger Strike Housewarming Extravaganza“.

Technorati tags: Cindy Sheehan, Crawford, Texas, Bush, hunger strike, Code Pink, conservative, satire, humor

A fascinating audio clip of a conversation between former Democratic White House hopefuls John Kerry and John Edwards found it’s way into our hands late last night. After authenticating the tape and consulting with our editorial review board, we decided that the public had a right to be informed of the contents.

During the course of the conversation, the two men criticized President Bush and his handling of the Middle East situation in the strongest, most absurd terms possible. At one point Senator Kerry went as far as to say that had he been the Commander-in-Chief, the recent hostilities in Lebanon between Israel and Hezbollah would not have occurred.

But perhaps the good senator protested a bit too strongly and absurdly. The following transcript reveals what many have believed to be true for quite some time: that the verbal politico-diarrhea coming from many on the left is disingenuous and that Kerry, and likely many others, is nothing but an undercover shill for the Republican Party. 

Beginning of transcript:

JK: “So then I said, ‘If I were president this incident in Lebanon would never have happened’.”

JE: “No you did not!”

JK: “Oh yes indeed I did.”

JE: “With a straight face?”

JK: “Do I have a different kind?”

JE: “Good point. You better be careful though. I am getting the feeling that they might be on to us.”

JK: “I doubt it. Who would ever believe that we are clandestine GOP operatives?”

JE: “Umm. Anyone who listens to what actually comes out of your ketchup-hole?”

JK: “I think not. As long as we have ‘D’s’ after our names we are untouchable. All we have to do is keep up the crazy leftist charade for a bit longer and we’ll be on easy street, just like Karl said.”

JE: “Fair enough. So what’s next?”

JK: “Next we call a press conference and I’ll announce that if I were president that I would have gotten the hot dog makers and bun manufacturers together by now to address the issue of them packaging and selling their respective products in the same increments.”   

JE: “Uh-huh.”

JK: “Then I send Teresa on a multi-state speaking tour armed with nothing but a helium tank and ten cases of Jolt! cola.” 

JE: “Brilliant.”

End of transcript.

Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan and her confederates at Code Pink recently announced that they will be “sponsoring a hunger strike” beginning on July 4th that is entitled “Troops Home Fast”. The strike is designed to pressure governmental officials who are not particularly concerned over whether or not Sheehan starves to death, into changing effective foreign policy over the fact that a semi-sane woman who can afford to skip several meals has finally decided to do just that.

“It’s really going to be something,” Sheehan joked. “Jodie’s making her famous ‘nothings-in-a-blanket’. We’ll laugh and tell stories… it’ll be just like the sleepover parties I always wanted to have when I was a little girl if only the other girls hadn’t shunned me.”

Sheehan’s planned protest is gaining momentum with endorsements and promises of support from such Hollywood Squares hopefuls as Dick Gregory and the girl who played Joey Lawrence’s sister’s best friend on Blossom.

However, Sheehan’s international street-cred really soared when she received a coveted endorsement from Mexico’s Manuel Uribe. Uribe is both loved and reviled throughout the United States for his uncanny ability to smuggle illegal aliens in his skin flaps. His bold defiance of American authorities has earned him the nickname, “El Robin Hood de los Flesh”. Thrice named Mexico’s “Teat Smuggler Del Ano“, Uribe vowed to cut his caloric intake to 12,000 a day to show his support.

TNOYF placed several calls to Code Pink to inquire as to what exactly would require sponsorship at a hunger strike, but there have been no responses as this article went to print. 

Thanks to: Mudville

Guest Column

by Patrick Kennedy

First off I would like to thank those who have been so supportive of me during this most exciting time in my life. I must admit, attempting to complete the “12 Labors of Kennedy” is quite a daunting undertaking but with your support, Gaia willing, I will prevail.

For those out there who are unaware of the “12 Labors”, here is the Reader’s Digest version. As he enters adulthood, each young, male Kennedy must complete twelve “tasks” or “labors”(as determined by the Hepatic Oracle), to prove his worth to the family.

Theoretically, adulthood and the onset of these labors would begin in the late teen years but practically speaking, Kennedy men live in a adolescent bubble that typically lasts a lifetime so there really isn’t any big rush. Some of you are probably thinking, “Yeah right, Patrick. As a Kennedy you will be facing an assassin’s bullet at some point.” Let me assure you that I have no intention of achieving anything that would even remotely identify me as a target.

As most of you know by now, I recently completed my second through fourth tasks in a move that has been dubbed the “Kennebunkport Quartet” by getting trolleyed, crashing my car into a barricade, achieving a DUI and completing a stint in rehab. Dad says that this has never been done before and the look of pride in his eyes leads me to believe that he means it.

Although I am two thirds of the way to my goal, the journey is not over. Laser-like focus is key. I still have to have credible rape charges brought against me and use my influence to beat the rap. Still there is the Nemean Lion to contend with. I still must steal past the guards at Uncle Jack’s grave in the dead of night, unearth his casket and smell his decomposed (yet hopefully still Marilyn-scented) fingers.

And finally, I must eat three adult manatees whole as only one Kennedy in the last three generations (my pops) has been able to do. 

Once these labors are completed I will finally be seated at my rightful place to the right bar stool of my father.

Thanks to: Brainster, The Jawa Report, Riehl World View, Mudville

Technorati tags: Patrick Kennedy, DUI, conservative satire, humor

The Easter Bunny was attacked and severely beaten yesterday at an anti-war rally in Fayetteville, North Carolina. The rally was being held to protest the second anniversary of the Iraq War and was attended by literally tens of people. 

“Things were going along fine man until that Jesus freak showed up and started pushing his religion on all of us,” stated one tie-dye clad protester. “He had eggs man. Eggs! Little unhatched Eichmann’s in a basket. Huh?… wait… umm…hey I gotta go bro… I just heard that there’s a “Legalize Marijuana” rally over in Charlotte. I’m outty.”

A spokesman for the Easter Bunny told TNOYF that his client happened upon the protest by accident while he was practicing for “the big run this Sunday.”

Doctors expect Mr. Bunny to make a full recovery but he has been ordered to stay on bed rest for one month and to avoid “hoppin’ down the bunny trail” for at least 8 weeks.

Technorati tags: Easter Bunny, Easter, protests, Iraq War, hippies

Ted Kennedy: Are you working?

Crowd: Yes!

Ted Kennedy: Do you have a good job?

Crowd: Yes!

Ted Kennedy: Do you love your family?

Crowd: Yes!

Ted Kennedy: Do you love America?

Crowd: Do you mean “love” in the traditional sense of the word?

Ted Kennedy: I mean do you love America like I do. Do you love her enough to gut her laws. To trample her institutions. Do you love her enough to help me treat her citizens in a second class manner while extending every courtesy to those who have been forced by George W. Bush’s draconian immigration policies to come here in an undocumented way?

Crowd: Yes!

Ted Kennedy: Do you love tequila?

Crowd: Yes!

Ted Kennedy: Do you as a Democratic voting bloc, promise to drink only tequila for as long as you remain in America, keeping away from single malt scotch thereby leaving the supply of that delicious beverage intact?

Crowd: I guess so.

Ted Kennedy: To the senor’s out there. Have you ever been out drinking at night with a lady friend?

Crowd: Yes.

Ted Kennedy: And in the course of that evening have you ever had a bit too much to drink?

Crowd: Yes.

Ted Kennedy: And afterward, have you ever driven that special senorita home?

Crowd: Sometimes.

Ted Kennedy: Did you have to cross a bridge to get her back to her casa?

Crowd: On a couple of occasions maybe.

Ted Kennedy: Did you drive your car over the side of the bridge and into the water leaving your date inside barely clinging to life, while you ran away, failed to notify authorities and carefully prepared an alibi using all of your powerful political connections?

Crowd: No.

Ted Kennedy: Me either. Just checking.

Crowd: ?

Ted Kennedy: Hypothetically speaking, do you feel it would be wrong if an elected official… for the sake of this discussion let’s say a U.S. Senator… were to have erotic on-line conversations with an underage girl? I don’t mean underage like eight or nine…  I’m talking thirteen or fourteen. Would you have a problem with that?

Crowd: ?

End of transcript.

Thanks to: Ian via Hugh Hewitt , Mudville, Right Truth, Wizbang, Point Five & Samantha Burns

Technorati tags: immigration, rally, protest, Mexican, illegal immigration, Ted Kennedy, Bush, conservative, Republican, satire, humor

Even before losing the hotly contested 2004 Presidential election to George W. Bush, John Kerry’s dislike for his opponent had been well-documented. Since his failed run Kerry has kept a much lower profile, but insiders tell us that his feelings of animosity towards Bush have only grown in intensity.

Now it appears that Kerry is poised to renew his attacks on President Bush, but with a slight tactical change.

TNOYF’s Senior Liberal Condescension Correspondent is reporting that the Massachusetts’s Senator has begun an undercover offensive that is designed to undermine the President “from the grassroots level.”

The first wave was launched yesterday during a speech by Bush in Charlotte, North Carolina when an audience member professing to be “just your average Joe” mounted a Kerry-esque critique of the President. The man excoriated Bush for, among other things, “asserting your right to tap my phone, precluding me from drinking clean water” and “if I were a woman… restricting my… decision about whether or not I can abort a pregnancy.”

We have confirmed that the “audience member” in question was none other than Senator Kerry using his patented “if-I-close-my-eyes-no-one-can-see-who-I-am” disguise. Kerry might have gotten away with this ruse, if it were not for a quick-thinking Bush staffer who sensed something was amiss.

The staffer, Margaret Gregory, became suspicious upon hearing the striking similarities in both rhetoric and voice quality between the “audience member” and Senator Kerry, but was confounded by (what she later discovered was) his ingenious disguise.

“I knew something was up but I just couldn’t put my finger on it,” said Gregory. “So I followed him outside. He slipped up and opened one eye just as he was getting into one of those big stretch limos and I was pretty sure it was Senator Kerry. As he pulled away I read the “Ketchup Cash ” vanity plate and my suspicions were confirmed.”   

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: Bush, heckler, Charlotte, speech, conservative, Republican

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s… Hillaryman?

That just might be the new tag-line for former first lady Hillary Clinton after she was named the 2006 “Distinguished Community Health Superhero” by the Community Health Care Association of New York State.

Mrs. Clinton released the following statement thanking the CHCA:

“It is truly an honor to receive the Superhero Award from New York’s community health centers. When I look at all of the distinguished superheros that I beat out to win, I am truly humbled. There is of course The Ricket Rocket. Ganglion Girl. The Osteo Warrior, who has fought tirelessly to increase bone density in the geriatric community. And I would be remiss if I did not mention a man who has positively impacted my life through his fine work with STD’s, Captain Shanker.

These heroes and the centers they support do a fantastic job day in and day out despite the fact that President Bush makes their jobs nearly impossible by cutting funding to their facilities. You may ask, ‘Hey Hill, why would President Bush cut funding to health care centers?’ It’s simple. The majority of the people in this country are healthy, making sick people the minority. Bush hates minorities. Therefore, Bush hate sick people. Thanks again.”

Thanks to: Mudville, Conservative Cat, OTB

The results of a long-term study of nursery school children in Berkeley, California have recently been released and the findings may surprise you.

Researchers Jack and Jeanne Block spent over twenty years studying the personality traits of Berkeley pre-schoolers and their findings suggest that whiny, insecure children grow up to be conservatives while self-confident, resilient, self-reliant children grow up to be liberals.

While we do not doubt the reliability of a Berkeley funded study of Berkeley children by Berkeley residents that casts conservatives in a negative light, we felt that there may have been some additional survey results that required more attention.

We did some more digging around and found that to be the case. Listed below are some of the unreported results form this study:    

9. Although no one has actually been able to say the words “self-confident, self-reliant, liberal” with a straight face, you can write them fairly easily.

8. 27% of Berkeley parents surveyed replied that it was “okay” to date children as young as nursery school while 24% felt kindergarten was an appropriate age for this rite of passage. The remaining 49% regularly “cruise Chuck E. Cheese for some strange.”

7. The next “poll” of any sort that most of the children in this survey will become familiar with is the pole they will be dancing around for a living thanks to the one-two combination of their Berkeley education and permissive liberal parenting. 

6. Outside of their more functional uses in Berkeley, gerbils make great pets too.

5. It is nearly impossible to differentiate whiny children from their parents via phone interviews.

4. Whining increases exponentially when there are more than two fathers in a Berkeley household.

3. “Conservative” in Berkeley is defined as a woman who will not have an abortion after the seventh month of pregnancy. 

2. Only in the American halls of academia could someone make an entire career out of studying the whining patterns of children.

1. With proper instruction, kids as young as 4-years of age are able to make rudimentary comparisons of President Bush to Adolf Hitler.

Thanks to: Don Surber, Point Five, Wizbang!, Samantha Burns , OTB & Mudville

More at: Michelle Malkin, The Volokh Conspiracy, Junk Yard Blog, Dr. Sanity,

Technorati tags: Berkeley, conservative, whiny, satire, humor